What He Fears

by E. M. Denning

  Instead, he cleared his throat and shoved some scrambled eggs onto his fork. “Care to tell me about it?”

  Andrew shrugged a shoulder and lifted his gaze to meet Nick’s. “Not really.”

  Nick smiled. “You were dodging light poles and you slammed into a garbage can.”

  Andrew paled. “It wasn’t my finest moment.”

  “I’m glad it wasn’t. Things can only get better from there, right?” Nick winked, and Andrew’s cheeks flushed a little. He looked down at his toast as if it were suddenly extremely interesting. Nick smirked a little, then smoothed his expression. “Care to talk about it? You seemed to have a lot to say last night. Something about love. So come on, who broke your heart?”

  Nick watched Andrew finish his toast. He didn’t press him to answer. He either would, or he wouldn’t. Nick hoped he would. He wanted to help Andrew and it would be so much easier to do that if he told him what was going on.

  “I broke my own heart, I suppose. I fell for someone I couldn’t have, and he fell for someone else.”

  He. Nick wanted to smile at that but forced his expression to remain neutral. He’d hoped that Andrew would be interested in men, but he never liked to assume. The confession seemed to embarrass Andrew, whose face turned a sweet shade of pink.

  “I—ah. Shit.”

  “It’s okay, Andrew. I’m not here to judge you.”

  “Shit. I’ve never come out to anyone before. Well, no, that’s not true, Xavier and Everett, they know, sort of.” Andrew shoved his nearly empty plate to the side. “Thanks for breakfast, Nick.”

  Nick stacked his plate on top of Andrew’s and leaned forward, his arms resting on the table top. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, Andrew, but you look like you could use a friend. I’d like to be that friend.”

  Andrew shrugged a shoulder. “Might be nice to have a friend who isn’t head over heels in love with my little brother.”

  Nick whistled. “Shit. The best friend and the little brother. That sucks.”

  Andrew tried to wave it off. “I wasn’t Everett’s type, anyway.”

  Nick scrunched his face. “Is he blind? You’re gorgeous. You’ve got that whole, hot linebacker next door thing going on.”

  Andrew blushed and shook his head. “That’s half the problem. I’m built like a football player and he has a thing for the water boy.”

  Something struck Nick then, something Andrew had said. He scrunched his eyebrows together and rolled the name around in his head. “Everett? Skinny dude, platinum blond, cooks in the nude?”

  Andrew’s eyes widened. “You know him?”

  Nick wanted to scoff. Of course, he knew Everett. He’d done his best to avoid any and all interaction with him. Not because he was a bad guy, quite the opposite in fact. Everett was a nice guy, one of those genuinely good people, and he looked up to Rory which had become a source of jealousy and insecurity for Nick.

  Everett was everything Rory should want. Cute. Sweet. Submissive. He wasn’t a switch like Nick. He could give Rory everything, and Nick thought that one day they might fall into a Dom/sub relationship and Nick would be left out in the cold. “I know him. In a way. A guy I’m seeing does too. You might know him. Skinny guy, about forty years old, blue hair.”

  “Rory. Yeah, I know him.” Andrew cracked a smile, it was the first one Nick had seen on his face. “I used to avoid him like the plague. I was so fucking jealous of how comfortable they are with each other.”

  Nick tipped his head back and laughed until tears collected in his eyes. He sucked in a deep breath and wiped them away, then reached across the table and clapped Andrew on the shoulder.

  Andrew cocked an eyebrow. “You’ll have to help me out here, man.”

  Nick took a deep breath and grinned at Andrew. The inkling of a connection he’d sensed to Andrew had deepened. He found Andrew appealing. “We probably could’ve met a long time ago if we weren’t busy avoiding each other’s best friends. Everett is a nice guy, but I always worried that one day Rory would notice him and that would be the end of my arrangement with Rory.”

  “Arrangement?”

  “Rory and I see each other sometimes.”

  “You’re not together?”

  Nick shook his head. “Not exclusively. It’s complicated.” Despite not being with anyone else since long before he’d asked Rory to be exclusive, they had an open relationship. He still sometimes had a scene with a submissive in a private room at the club, but there was no sex, he couldn’t do it. Nick wanted to try to explain his relationship with Rory, but to do so, he needed to know how much Andrew knew. He leaned in closer and lowered his voice. “How much do you know about Rory and Everett? You know… their private hobbies.”

  Andrew’s face turned pink and his eyes darted down. “Not much. But I know Everett has some sort of in home kink room,” He shrugged.

  Nick breathed a sigh of relief. Andrew didn’t seem disgusted by what little knowledge he possessed, so Nick pressed on. “Rory is a Dom. He trains other Doms and works with submissives.”

  Andrew wrapped his hands around his coffee cup. “Everett is definitely not a Dom.” He paused. “And suddenly the leather bracelets make way more sense.” He didn’t look particularly happy about that revelation.

  Nick nodded. “Yeah. See, Rory is a Dom, and a damned good one. Everett is this perfect little submissive, and I’m a switch.”

  Andrew raised his gaze to Nick’s. “What’s that?”

  “Someone who needs both.”

  “And you don’t want to be exclusive with Rory because you swing both ways?”

  Nick sighed. “If he asked me to be exclusive, I’d do it in a second.” Nick ran his fingers through his hair. “Rory won’t give in. He’s the one who doesn’t want to be exclusive. He thinks I’d be settling.”

  “Is he right?”

  Nick tried not to ask himself that question. He loved Rory. He loved being on his knees, his back, strung up, tied up, flogged, everything Rory gave him he loved taking. He loved watching movies with him, with Rory curled into his side, or his head on Nick’s lap. And sometimes Nick liked taking a sub to a private room at the club and being the one to take charge.

  He loved the feel of taking control of someone, not because he could, but because they wanted to give him control. He loved the rush of dominance he got, standing over a kneeling sub, knowing the person trusted him enough to bring them pleasure, pain, and peace. He needed it as much as he needed to kneel and let go. He gave himself to Rory knowing Rory would always cherish Nick and look after him. He needed both and Rory would never kneel.

  Nick exhaled. “Probably.” He answered finally. Andrew surprised him by reaching across the table and putting a hand on his.

  “I don’t know you very well, but so far, you’ve been nice to me. Don’t settle, Nick.” Andrew swallowed. “And as much as part of me hates to admit it, Rory is a great guy for caring enough about you to not let you take less than what you deserve.”

  Nick nodded. Rory was great, it’s why Nick loved him, but Rory was also right, he wasn’t enough.

  Andrew covered his mouth and tried to stifle a yawn but wasn’t successful.

  “Come on.” Nick said as he stood up and fished some cash out of his wallet. He tossed the money onto the table, enough for the food and a generous tip. “Let’s get you home.”

  “This was nice of you.” Andrew said once they’d climbed into Nick’s vehicle. “I’ve never been driven home by the police before. I’ve led a sheltered life.” Andrew smiled softly as if he wished he hadn’t.

  “There’s nothing wrong with being a good boy.” Nick coughed to cover up the fact that he’d said that way huskier than he’d intended. He hadn’t meant for it to sound like something you’d hear in a playroom, but it did, and judging from the flush of pink in Andrew’s cheeks, he’d picked up on it.

  Nick dropped Andrew off outside his building. “Did you need a ride to get your vehicle later?”

  A
ndrew shook his head. “Nah, I didn’t drive there.”

  Nick wanted to tell him he was a good boy again. He wondered if Andrew’s cheeks would turn pink. He refrained. Instead, he followed his gut and the feeling inside it that told him he needed to know more about Andrew. “We should hang out. Give me your phone, I’ll give you my number.”

  A few minutes later Nick drove away with Andrew’s number in his phone and the vision of his face burned into his memory.

  Chapter Three

  Rory

  Rory rolled his shoulders back, exhaled, and tried to relax into the calm that usually awaited him when he meditated. But he couldn’t shut his brain off. Jealousy wasn’t an emotion he was used to feeling. It was an ugly and useless emotion and he’d always been secure enough with himself and in his relationships that he’d never felt it before.

  It unsettled him that he felt it now. He’d told Nick more than a year ago they couldn’t be exclusive, and he’d been fine with it. Okay, fine was a stretch. Rory begrudgingly accepted that Nick needed more than he could give him. As much as Nick needed the sweet sting of submission he’d always needed the other side of the equation to balance himself out. Nick had a driving need to dominate and while Rory would do anything for him—flog him, cane him, tie him up, beat him, fuck him, force him to his knees—he didn’t have it in him to be submissive, he wasn’t strong enough for that, not even for Nick. Rory’s need to be in control had never bothered him.

  Until now.

  Now, jealousy crept into the corner of his heart and nagged at him to do something to fix things with Nick before he lost him completely. Rory untangled his legs and flopped backward, stretching out on the floor of his bedroom. He stared at the ceiling and noted another not often encountered emotion, helplessness.

  If he could find it in himself to give up control, to let go, he could take control of the situation and seize Nick for his own. Then, Nick would have all his needs met, and he would be the one to do it. But the idea of being on his knees, of letting Nick strip him bare, of being completely controlled by nothing but the will of another human being made him break out in a cold sweat. It wasn’t that Nick hadn’t seen him laid bare before, with his soul flayed wide open, but it had always been on his terms, and he needed that. He’d never not need it.

  With a sigh, Rory rolled over and pushed himself to his feet. He showered and dressed in a pair of grey trousers that hugged his ass and a soft white sweater that made his blue hair stand out. He’d gone purple briefly but had switched back to blue since then. Blue was his go-to color.

  He understood it was childish, but when he’d started to grey at the obscenely early age of twenty-three, he’d started to dye his hair to cover it up. Steve bought him his first bottle of blue dye years ago and he’d never looked back. Though he usually went blue, sometimes he changed it up, but he always went back sooner or later.

  Rory arrived at his jewelry store to see Nick already parked and waiting for him. Sometimes, Nick met him there to enjoy a coffee and a quiet breakfast in Rory’s office before he had to open the store. Rory climbed out of his car and was greeted by a freshly showered, damp haired Nick.

  “Did you already go to the gym?” Rory asked as he raised himself up on his tiptoes to brush a kiss against Nick’s lips.

  “Andrew and I went for a run.”

  Jealousy stabbed at Rory. He wasn’t a runner, especially when it came to running with Nick. Nick’s legs were too long, and he couldn’t keep up. Not only that, but he preferred quieter, more controlled forms of exercise, like Tai Chi, or yoga, or shoveling strawberry sorbet into his face. “I’m glad you made a new friend.” He wanted to be glad, but mostly he felt left out. Nick had spent more of his free time the past couple of weeks with this new friend than he usually spent with anyone besides Rory.

  Rory unlocked the door and Nick followed him inside, throwing the deadbolt and leaving the sign on the door flipped to closed.

  “I wonder if you can get Andrew to stop hating me long enough to introduce me to him.”

  “Andrew doesn’t hate you.”

  Rory rolled his eyes while he unlocked his office, thankful that Nick couldn’t see. Of course, Andrew hated him. Rory had Andrew’s secret affection for Everett pegged within the first ten minutes of meeting him. Not that he ever told Everett his suspicions of Andrew’s feelings, but Everett found out anyway. Secrets always did have a way of coming out.

  The thought nearly prompted Rory to share the flicker of jealousy he experienced over Nick’s friendship with Andrew, but he decided some things were better left unsaid. “How’s Andrew doing, anyway? I heard from Everett that it was hard on Andrew when Everett and Xavier got together.”

  Nick laughed and followed Rory into his office. He perched on the edge of Rory’s desk and handed him his coffee. “Why don’t you ask blondie yourself?”

  Rory shook his head. “Asking Everett anything right now requires prying him away from his boyfriend.” He took the breakfast burrito Nick offered and gingerly unwrapped it. It warmed Rory’s heart that Nick drove halfway across town to get his favorite breakfast burrito from a little family run deli.

  “Still attached at the hip?”

  “And the lips.” Rory smiled softly as he brought the burrito to his mouth. He loved how into each other they were, but he’d admit to himself—and only to himself—that it made his chest ache to see Everett and Xavier so happy. He didn’t want Everett, they’d never been like that. Even though Rory was a Dom and Everett was a sub, it didn’t mean they were compatible. They’d never done a scene together. From the moment he met Everett he’d been like a kid brother to Rory.

  Rory watched something flicker through Nick’s expression, and he knew what it was. He knew Nick had been ready to settle down for a while now. Years, even. Rory’s breakfast turned to ash in his mouth. He should let go of Nick completely. He understood Nick would never find someone who could be everything he needed if he still hung onto hope that Rory would relent and let him settle.

  Not today. He would be selfish for a little longer. Then he’d cut Nick loose. Rory wanted to rub his chest to smooth away the knot of ache that formed there, but he refused to give his inner turmoil away in front of Nick.

  “Bring Andrew around. I promise not to bite.”

  Nick raised an eyebrow. “You promise not to go all super-dom on him? You’ll freak him out.”

  “Is he still as jumpy as I remember him?”

  “Like a scared rabbit, Roar.”

  Warmth surged through Rory upon hearing his nickname. That settled it. “Come on, bring him by.” If Andrew was going to be in Nick’s life, then Andrew couldn’t avoid Rory anymore. He saw Nick’s skeptical expression and gave him his most charming smile in return. “I’ll be on my best behavior. You have my word.”

  Nick considered the request for a moment, then eventually nodded. He knew better than to argue with Rory when he wanted something. Though it was unlikely that he would’ve pressed the issue, Nick understood him well enough to know when something was important to him.

  That’s how, three days later, Rory found himself sitting on the other side of a booth at a diner that Nick and Andrew had been meeting for breakfast at, quite frequently, staring at the blue-eyed beauty who he was certain he’d lose Nick to one day.

  Rory could tell when Nick got attached to people. Lucky for Andrew, he was oblivious to it. He never seemed to notice the way Nick looked at him, or the way Nick held the door open for him, or any of the tiny signals Nick sent out whether he realized it or not. He hung off Andrew’s every word and Andrew drank it in, never realizing how lucky he was to have the attention of such a beautiful man.

  Half way through breakfast, Andrew still hadn’t said much. Nick had been telling a story to them of the bar fight he’d broken up a few nights ago. Rory watched as Andrew listened intently while he packed the food away. He appreciated the way Andrew listened to what Nick had to say. Rory could see why Nick liked him. Andrew had always been a good-lo
oking guy and the time he spent working in construction had turned his body into a work of art. He had broad shoulders and narrow hips. His body was covered in lean muscles. Rory shoved his impure thoughts about the man aside and spread some raspberry jam on his whole wheat toast.

  The conversation had dropped off and that’s when Rory noticed that Andrew had been staring at him. He lifted his gaze and met Andrew’s. Guilt and perhaps a touch of sadness pinched Andrew’s features.

  “I think I owe you an apology.”

  Rory frowned and set his jam-covered butter knife on his plate. “For what?”

  “I hated you for no reason.”

  Rory tamped down the urge to laugh at Andrew, but only because he seemed so earnest. Some people pretended to be innocent, but when Rory looked at Andrew he glimpsed the truth behind it. Andrew was innocent, and it left him painfully open to causing himself heartache. He’d never laugh at anyone for their feelings, least of all someone whose innocence had caused themselves an undue amount of pain.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for, Andrew.”

  “I was a jerk.”

  Rory reached out and put his hand on Andrew’s much bigger hand. “It’s fine, Andrew. You’re allowed to change your mind about people.” In an attempt to steer the conversation into something lighter, Rory shot him a wink. “What do you think of me now?”

  Admittedly, Rory had dressed to impress. A pair of skinny jeans and a fitted button down did a good job of showing off his physique, even if Andrew didn’t check him out in an obvious way, Rory took pride in looking nice.

  “I think you’re fishing for compliments.”