What He Fears

by E. M. Denning

  Over the past few weeks, he’d grown to appreciate Nick’s easy friendship. There was no baggage to haul around. No wounded feelings to mask. Andrew was thrilled to see Everett so happy in his new life. Xavier and the dog they adopted had become the family Everett always deserved to have and Andrew was grateful to be a part of it. But despite coming to terms with their relationship, Andrew found he liked spending time with Nick. Not because spending time with Everett was hard, but because spending time with Nick was easy.

  He liked running with Nick. He liked it best when they ran and said nothing. It wasn’t awkward at all. And as a delightful change of pace, Andrew’s brain was blissfully blank. He never got that when he ran alone. Every mile he ran was paved with chaotic thoughts. But Nick quieted all that. There was only the two of them and the sound of their shoes hitting the pavement. On chillier mornings, their breath puffed out in little patches of fog that quickly dissipated. He felt comfortable with Nick, maybe because Nick had seen him at a low point in his life and didn’t judge him for it.

  He chanced another glance at Nick and watched Nick pump his arms. He watched the grace of his movements as they ran toward the center of the park. Andrew looked away again.

  “What’s on your mind?” Nick didn’t break stride.

  Andrew looked away and kept his attention on the path ahead. He supposed he could use the internet to search for answers, but he hated the internet. One link lead to another, to another, and soon he’d fallen down a rabbit-hole that lasted for hours and unearthed no answers. He’d rather ask a person. Everett and Xavier were out of the question. He sighed. That left Nick.

  Nick Young whose laughter sounded like a song. Nick, who was kind, and strong, and who Andrew had been comfortable around since they met. Maybe it was because that first night, when he’d been drunk out of his head, staggering down the street, Nick had been kind and gentle. His concern for Andrew the next morning had warmed him and he couldn’t say no when Nick said he wanted to hang out again.

  He only understood the basics of Nick’s relationship with Rory. They saw each other frequently but weren’t exclusive. That left room for someone else, didn’t it? If he’d learned anything from falling for Everett, it was that not saying anything wasn’t an option this time. He wouldn’t keep how he felt inside. He wouldn’t dodge phone calls on bad days when he wanted nothing more than to lean on his friend.

  Not saying anything to Everett may’ve been a mistake. He’d never know now. But his feelings for Everett had faded. He liked seeing his friend happy. Instead of being painful to hang out with him and Xavier, it felt nice, like they were his family. Maybe it never would’ve worked with Everett for that reason.

  Andrew’s footfalls slowed to a stop and after a few strides Nick lurched to a stop. He turned, concern etched his face.

  “You okay?”

  Andrew couldn’t do it here, in the middle of a park, could he? It seemed as good a place as any, but he realized with horror they were both covered in sweat. What kind of moron waited until he was sweaty and red-faced from running to pipe up with hey, I have a habit of falling for my friends, not all of them, only certain ones I feel especially comfortable with, care to go on a date? Please say yes.

  “Andrew?”

  He raked his hand through his hair. “Uh, nothing. Let’s head back, okay.” He tried to side step Nick, but Nick grabbed his arm. The contact of skin on skin stilled Andrew, and he sucked in a deep breath.

  “What’s going on?”

  Nick’s concern nearly killed him. Two seconds ago he’d been ready to tell him, but now, he couldn’t, could he? Nick wasn’t the type to throw away a friendship because feelings weren’t reciprocated.

  Nick’s hand stroked down Andrew’s arm. His brain recognized it as a gesture of comfort, but his stomach flipped and blood rushed to his cock.

  “Andrew, talk to me. What is it?”

  Andrew kicked himself. This was the kind of thing you were supposed to rehearse for hours in your bathroom mirror so you could study the inflection of your voice and pick the right thing to say. I think I like you. I think I like it when you touch me. I want you to touch me more. I want you to kiss me. He said none of that. Instead, he chanced a glance at Nick so he could watch his expression.

  “Why do I keep doing this?” His stomach twisted and fell. His heart slammed against his ribcage.

  Nick furrowed his brow. He didn’t move closer, but he didn’t move away. He gave Andrew space to form his thoughts and sort through them all. He chanced a glance at Nick when he spoke. “Why do I keep falling for my friends?” He choked on a laugh. “Candice. Gloria. Everett.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “You.”

  Nick stilled.

  This was it. The moment Andrew should’ve prepared himself better for. Of course Nick wouldn’t be interested. He had Rory, a guy who knew who he was and what he wanted. He wasn’t some idiot who was pushing thirty who couldn’t decide what or who he wanted, if anyone, most days, and had a tendency to get inconvenient crushes on his friends.

  “I hoped I wasn’t wrong,” Nick said after a moment.

  Andrew felt compelled to look at Nick. He searched his features for any sign of insincerity, and of course, found none. “What?”

  Nick smiled at him. The hand that touched his arm travelled lower and the tips of Nick’s fingers tickled the palm of his hand. “I kept getting this vibe from you, not all the time, here and there. I thought you might like me. I hoped so, anyway.” Nick furrowed his brow and though he feared Andrew would pull his hand away, it stayed, lightly holding Nick’s. “You’re afraid?”

  He nodded.

  “Of what. You can tell me, you know that, right, Andrew? You can tell me anything.”

  He sucked in a breath and pulled his hand away from Nick’s. He missed the comforting touch, but he didn’t feel like any of this was real. Nick hadn’t minded Andrew’s confession. He seemed excited about it.

  Andrew looked out at the pond and watched the ducks swim. Further down the shore an old man tossed something in the water for the ducks to eat. He didn’t want to be that old man, alone on a bench. He didn’t tell Nick about the fear that sat in his stomach like a stone or the terror that felt like ice in his veins. He didn’t want his fear to hold him back, and he worried that if he gave it a voice, it would gain power over him again.

  “I don’t want to be him.” He nodded toward the old man on the bench. “He’s here every day, alone. I don’t want to be alone, but I’m like… I’m not good at this, Nick. I’m not good at letting people in.”

  Nick moved closer. “So we’ll go slow. I’ll earn your trust.”

  Andrew had moved at glacial speed his whole life and no good had ever come of it. Everyone got tired of waiting for him to warm up to them, for him to open up, to give them the pieces of him that they wanted. But he couldn’t. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to. He didn’t want people to think of him as frigid or say he had frosty defences or that he built walls and kept people out. He tended to get stuck in his head and he knew it. He understood he kept people out, but it wasn’t because he wanted to. He simply didn’t know how to let them in.

  “I’m tired of going slow.” He forced the simple truth out of his mouth and let it linger between them for a beat before he turned to face Nick. “And I already trust you. That first night, Nick, when I was drunk out of my head and feeling entirely too sorry for myself, you didn’t judge me. You didn’t look down on me. You took me for breakfast and you listened to me. I have no reason not to trust you. I just… I know you’re seeing someone, but you’re not exclusive, right? So we could go out, together, on a date or something, right?”

  Andrew was blown away by the depth of Nick’s happiness when he smiled at him. “I’d like that.”

  “Just not dancing,” he added. “I mostly suck, and I sort of hate it. Everett thinks it’s the gay bar scene that I don’t like, but it’s the dancing.”

  The side of Nick’s mouth curled up in amusement. “We can do wh
atever you want. I only like to go dancing so I can watch Rory. I don’t do much of it myself.”

  “Thursday night. Do you work?” Andrew spoke before he could back peddle. He wanted to take Nick somewhere he’d never taken anyone. He didn’t want to be that impossible to know person anymore. Loneliness choked him. It coiled around him in his sleep and it sat on his shoulders when he was awake. He couldn’t escape it. He never would if he didn’t start doing things differently. His fear had held him back for too long and Andrew was tired of being alone and afraid.

  “I can do Thursday.”

  Andrew grinned. “Well. It’s a date.” He exhaled and looked down the trail then headed back the way they came. “Race you back.”

  “You cheat.” Nick laughed and quickly caught up to Andrew.

  By the time they got back to their vehicles they were sweaty and breathless, and Nick had let Andrew win, but the bigger victory was the way Nick smiled at him with a light in his eyes that Andrew knew he’d put there.

  Andrew used the bottom of his shirt to towel his face off, and when he tugged it back down into place, Nick stood there, closer than he had been a minute ago. He leaned close to Andrew. His heart pounded and he willed Nick to lean closer, to close the distance all the way and kiss him. He wanted it like he’d never wanted anything. Wanting it made him feel as if he’d die if he didn’t get it. And he didn’t understand the need that Nick ignited in him with only a look.

  Then Nick leaned closer and his lips touched Andrew's. Soft and warm. Then they were gone and Andrew stood there, unable to breathe.

  Nick’s hand brushed against his as he turned to leave. “See you Thursday, Andrew.” He said as he walked away.

  Andrew climbed into his vehicle, took a deep breath, and another. Fear turned to ice in his veins, but it was worth the risk.

  Chapter Six

  Nick

  “I’m not sure I understand your problem.” The voice on the other end of the conversation commented.

  Nick adjusted the phone that was pressed to his ear and rifled through his closet for a third time. He was probably overthinking his wardrobe choices for his date with Andrew, but he wanted to look his best.

  “I don’t know how to explain it in simpler terms, Sam. I’m with Rory, but we’re not exclusive. I Dom at the club, but I don’t fuck the subs, not because I can’t, but because I don’t want to. But Andrew isn’t a sub and I’m going on an actual date with him, and I want to enjoy myself, but I feel like I’m cheating on Rory, even though we have permission to see other people. We’re not official boyfriends, we just… date, I guess.”

  Nick heard Sam sigh and he could picture him pinching the bridge of his nose. “If you’re not exclusive with Rory, then you’re not cheating on him.”

  “But I feel like I am.”

  “And what would Rory say about it?”

  Nick frowned. He’d told Rory about the date with Andrew and Rory had smiled at him. Smiled. He expressed delight at the idea of Andrew and Nick hitting it off. He’d hugged him and wished him luck. “He was okay with it.”

  “I fail to see the problem, Nick.”

  Of course Sam would fail to see the problem. The problem was Nick was a greedy asshole who wanted to have his cake and eat it, too. He’d wanted Rory for so long he didn’t know what it was like to not want him anymore. And now there was Andrew. Sweet, innocent, Andrew whom Nick suspected would one day beg to be used. He’d look so fucking good wide-eyed and covered in cum that Nick’s cock twitched at the idea of it.

  “Seriously, Nick. I need to go. I don’t have time for this. Decide what you want, then go after it, but quit pissing around because I don’t know how many more of these conversations I can have with you.”

  “Gee, love you too, Sam.”

  “You know I love you, Nick. Now quit being stupid. I have to go.”

  The line went dead and Nick tossed his phone on the bed, then turned his attention back to choosing an outfit for his date with Andrew. He’d received a text from Andrew the night before telling him what he needed to wear. It intrigued him that he needed to bring something casual, but restaurant worthy, and his gym clothes.

  Nick dressed in a pair of loose fitting basketball shorts and T-shirt. In his bag he packed a pair of black jeans and a white Henley, and because you could never be too prepared, he tossed in a condom and a couple packets of lube. He took them out again, thinking that might be too presumptuous, then put them back in again and left them there. Better safe than sorry.

  Nick grabbed his phone off the bed and read the text he’d received from Andrew earlier. He reread the address and the instructions one more time, not wanting to miss anything. Clearly, Andrew had gone to a lot of trouble to set up the perfect date for them. Nick shoved his phone in his bag and headed out to his vehicle.

  He arrived at his destination a few minutes early, but still didn’t manage to beat Andrew. He parked next to Andrew’s car and got out of the truck, bringing his bag with him. “So this is an interesting location.” Nick nodded toward the large, nondescript grey building.

  Andrew’s cheeks flushed. “I always wanted to bring a date here, but I’d been with Gloria at the time and well, this wasn’t her thing.”

  Nick grinned and followed Andrew as they started toward the building. “Sounds like fun. I haven’t done this before. It explains the need for a change of clothes.”

  Andrew shrugged a shoulder. “Yeah, I didn’t think going out to eat after in our sweaty gym clothes sounded very appetizing.”

  Nick nodded, and the idea of cleaning up in the gym shower with Andrew made his pulse race. Memories of the kiss they shared flared up in his mind. The kiss had been soft and sweet, and it made Nick want to do things to Andrew that would probably scare the man, though Nick suspected Andrew might be more curious about the lifestyle than he let on. He’d have to do a little digging and gauge where Andrew sat on the kink-o-meter. As hot as Andrew was and as much as Nick liked him, he couldn’t do vanilla for an extended period.

  Shoving all thoughts of kink and kissing aside, he signed in with Andrew. They listened to the safety lecture, delivered by a short, disinterested blonde. Nick glanced at the waiver, then scrawled his name across the bottom, promising not to sue them if he fell and broke his neck.

  Andrew led him to the locker rooms where they stored their bags, then out into the main room. The walls were lined with hand and foot holds that stretched up to the ceiling. Some walls remained flat while others were shaped to mimic more natural rock-like shapes. A few wide columns in the middle of the space also stretched up to the ceiling, and judging from the skill level of the climbers Nick saw, reaching and stretching over distances that seemed impossible, Nick guessed they wouldn’t be starting there.

  “Wait here.” Andrew was only gone for a minute before he returned with two harnesses. He handed one to Nick.

  “And what am I supposed to do with this?” Nick said as he eyed the tangle of straps.

  “Just watch me and do what I do.” Andrew arranged the straps, then stepped into them and slid them up his legs.

  Nick handed the tangled-looking contraption back to Andrew. “You’re going to have to help me.”

  Andrew’s cheeks flushed as he took the gear back from Nick. Nick had mercy on him and laughed. “I’m kidding.” He said as he snatched it back. He stepped into the harness and slid it up his legs. “I’ve been zip lining a bunch of times.” Nick adjusted the harness until it was sitting right and not too tight. Then he clapped his hands together and looked around. “So, where do we start?”

  “Over here.” Andrew pointed to a section of wall that was currently unoccupied.

  Nick’s gaze followed the different colors of handholds all the way to the ceiling. “It’s a good thing I’m not afraid of heights.”

  Andrew laughed as he fastened the rope to the carabiner on Nick’s harness. “Well, then we’d have to attend the kickboxing class that starts in ten minutes.”

  Nick laughed at that. �
�You had a back up plan?”

  “I always do. Now, you’re new to this, so you’ll want to take the route with a five-point-five rating. Take the same color all the way to the top, or you know, as high as you can go.”

  “And you’re just going to stand there and hold the rope?”

  He flashed Nick a mischievous smile. “And stare at your ass the whole time.”

  “Now I know why you’ve always wanted to bring a date here.”

  Andrew shrugged a shoulder. “You’ll want to chalk up first.” He led Nick to a stand, and spread the chalk over his hands. “It’ll keep your hands from getting sweaty so you can keep your grip.”

  Nick clapped his hands together and produced a cloud of chalk dust. “Okay, teach, what do I do first?”

  For the next few minutes, Andrew stood on the floor and instructed Nick. He held the rope and called up instructions and encouragement to Nick, who only managed to make it two thirds of the way up the wall before the burn in his arms made him descend.

  When Nick was back on solid ground, his legs quivered with exhaustion and relief. “Shit, dude. That was harder than it looks.”

  “You did great for your first time.”

  Nick took the rope from Andrew, barely resisting the urge to imagine it wound around Andrew’s limbs, twining around them, forming patterns on his skin. Another time. Maybe. Hopefully.

  Nick forced himself to pay attention when Andrew walked over to the wall and started up a different route than the one Nick had taken. Andrew started to climb. Nick still felt the residual burn in his limbs. They seemed to ache with sympathy as Andrew ascended.

  The view of Andrew’s ass was excellent. Nick loved that Andrew had chosen something that made it socially acceptable to ogle your date’s ass. He watched Andrew climb, graceful and without hesitation and he wondered how climbing made Andrew feel. He wanted to know what Andrew got out of it besides a hell of a work out. He made a mental note to ask him.