Explicit Memory

by Scarlett Finn

  ‘He won’t get far,’ Flick said, knowing that Jansen was still out there.

  ‘You must go,’ Charles said to Rushe.

  ‘Father—‘

  ‘Yes,’ he said, cutting off Flick and coming to full height to look at Rushe. ‘I can have trusted security here within ten minutes. They will take responsibility for the mess here tonight.’

  ‘But—‘

  ‘Jansen will take responsibility,’ Rushe said. ‘News of his injuries were exaggerated to take the heat off, but he’s capable of firing a gun. In saving Serendipity, he learned about what was happening here tonight. Simone’s not going to confess to what went on. I’d be surprised if she said anything at all.’

  ‘Very well,’ Charles agreed. ‘You must leave quickly. From my understanding, you are all involved in a much greater plot here. If the police become involved in Rushe’s life—‘

  ‘Yes,’ Lucia said, thrusting up to her feet. ‘You have to go or they’ll arrest you, and your friends.’

  ‘We do not need to mention your presence here tonight,’ Charles said.

  ‘Why would you do that?’ Eric asked. ‘Why would you cover for Rushe?’

  ‘He saved our lives,’ Beverly said. ‘And those responsible will be held accountable for their previous misdeeds.’

  The sight of her family standing in solidarity with her lover made Flick blink, and hot drops fell from her lashes.

  ‘You have to stay here, Kit,’ Rushe said, and when he used her hand to whip her around, Flick had to swallow the sob from her throat. ‘The police know that you came here with Robert when you left the station. You have to stay. Tell the truth about everything, Antoine had you here to coerce your testimony. He held you hostage for the evidence Jansen held.’

  They could tell the truth of what happened, substituting Rushe’s name for Jansen’s, who was already involved with the feds.

  ‘Rushe,’ she sighed.

  ‘Get Antoine,’ Rushe said, and nodded at Eric, who darted out to do as instructed.

  ‘It’s a shame that he escaped, injured,’ Charles said, holding eye contact with Rushe for a few seconds. Charles had to feel somewhat responsible for this, since he allowed Antoine to enter their fold, and now he was doing what he could to make amends.

  Flick tightened her fingers between Rushe’s. ‘You’ll come back?’ she croaked.

  ‘Once I’ve taken care of him properly,’ Rushe said, with a fixed glare on the door Antoine had used to depart.

  ‘I have to speak to the staff,’ Charles said.

  ‘They’re restrained in the pantry,’ Rushe said. ‘I didn’t trust any of them.’

  ‘What about Roger?’ Lucia asked.

  ‘He’s with them, Martin too.’

  ‘He’s alive?’ Vivian shrieked, and Rushe nodded. Charles left the room with Robert not too far behind, and Vivian quickly ran after them.

  ‘Lover,’ Flick said in a voice so small that his concentration was shattered, but her tears were overwhelming.

  ‘Explain,’ he said, catching a drip from her chin. ‘Do you think I won’t come back for you?’

  ‘I don’t feel right when we’re not together... if something happens to you, and...’

  ‘You trust me too much to doubt me, Kit. You promised never to do that again. Stay here and help your family. I’m gonna take this guy and finish the job for you, just like I promised you I would. I won’t let you down.’

  ‘You never have.’

  Eric was out the room, her father was taking care of the staff, and presumably of Roger too. All Flick wanted to do was tuck her hand into Rushe’s pocket and follow him out of here. But she couldn’t.

  In her peripheral vision, she watched Liam take Tawny out. Her troupe was leaving, her gang, her true family, and she was being left behind.

  ‘Get,’ she murmured, knowing that Rushe was reluctant to leave her.

  His features relaxed to a fleeting smile, and he ducked down to kiss her again. Then before she could relish their warm joining he left her, Rushe turned and was gone, out of the room and away. Flick prayed for a swift return because already she was bereft.

  ‘Ok,’ Lucia said, coming up at Flick’s side. ‘What do we tell the cops?’

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Her father was commanding in dealing with the police, and Robert certainly did his part keeping everything together. Everyone was required to give a statement, and the paramedics came to check them all over. Other than minor wounds everyone was healthy enough.

  The crime scene investigators were crawling all over the house by the time the police had finished with the statements, so Charles Hughes ordered everyone to a hotel for the night.

  One night ended up being three, but by the time they were allowed back home, the Hughes’ house was sparkling clean and it was as though nothing at all had taken place there.

  The feds had accepted that Jansen had escaped the hospital to save his woman, and then discovered that the Merciers were holding the Hughes family hostage for the information they believed Jansen possessed.

  By day five Flick was getting antsy, very antsy, as she hadn’t heard a peep from any of her cohorts, not from Liam, or Tawny, or Eric, none of them. Then as though right on time, a steward knocked on her bedroom door and told her that she had a guest who refused to enter and was waiting for her outside. Flick knew immediately who that would be, and she couldn’t get down the stairs fast enough to satisfy herself.

  ‘You came to the door,’ Flick said, when she arrived on the front portico to witness Rushe propped against one of the columns flanking the stairs. ‘Why didn’t you come in?’

  ‘I almost didn’t come back at all,’ he said.

  Angling her head as her brows came down to a frown, she scrutinised that hardened shell he’d established around himself. ‘I was getting nervous about not hearing from you for so long. I assumed you were with Antoine.’

  ‘I was,’ he said. ‘That’s taken care of now.’

  ‘Good. Thank you.’ The blink of surprise cleared his barriers for a split second, but they were quickly erected again. ‘Why the delay in coming for me? It’s been five days; I started to think that you’d forgotten about me.’

  ‘You’ve had time to make a decision,’ he said.

  ‘You think that because we were separated for five weeks and I’ve been back in this life that maybe I want it again?’

  ‘I checked out Morse, and he’s a good guy. You could have a good life here with your family.’

  ‘You are my family,’ she said. ‘My parents and sisters are ready to accept us now. We’ll never be invited over for Sunday brunch with the neighbours, but... they’ll leave us alone, Rushe, let us be together without judgement.’

  ‘I don’t want their acceptance,’ he spat out, like the words were poison on his tongue. ‘I want you to have a decent life.’

  ‘I have a life with you,’ she said, barely recognising the bass of her own tone.

  ‘It’s no life for you,’ he snapped, and the strength of his reaction astonished her. ‘This is what you were always meant to have – security, family, and a guy who can provide for you.’

  ‘You’re doing what they did. You’re asking me to marry a man I don’t love and live in a life I don’t want. Just like my parents did, as Robert, and my sisters did, just like Antoine did.’

  ‘No,’ he said, and though the steely resolve remained, she saw his adam’s apple bob when he pushed away from the pillar. ‘Being away from me is better for you.’

  ‘No,’ she said, bounding forward when he took half a step backward toward the stairs. ‘If you walk away from me, Rushe, I won’t be able to find you.’

  ‘Yes, you would,’ he said. ‘You’re like a bad penny.’

  ‘You were supposed to come back to collect me, to accept me, not to push me away.’

  ‘You’ve got fire, Sweetheart,’ he said with a subdued awe. ‘You faced them all, every time. You never backed down, never once.’

  ‘Don’
t say goodbye to me, Rushe,’ she murmured. ‘You’ll never forgive yourself.’

  ‘It’s too late for that.’ The touch of his gaze circled her, and even without words, she knew his thoughts. He would never forgive himself for all she’d been through, what he thought he’d put her through, subjected her to.

  ‘You love me.’

  ‘Yeah, but I should’ve fucked Simone. I should’ve fucked her in that house, and I should’ve walked away from you. Why couldn’t I just walk the fuck away?’

  The question might have been rhetorical, but as Flick carefully crept toward him she saw the flare of yearning that he quickly dampened with self-disgust.

  ‘Do you think I don’t love you?’

  ‘I know you do,’ he said. ‘But you shouldn’t.’

  ‘I can’t help myself. I have to tell you a secret,’ she whispered, now close enough to let her fingernail graze the stitching of his jeans pocket. ‘It’s something I never thought I’d admit to you, but...’

  ‘What?’ he snapped, clearly ready to hear her confess a horrible truth.

  ‘You are an excellent teacher.’ His own facade faltered to a frown. ‘You taught me that if something is right, then it’s worth fighting for, and this is right, Rushe. Us. You and me. It’s right, and I will fight for our relationship.’

  ‘You don’t have to fight. I want to give you the chance to make your own choice, now, with everything you’ve seen. When I’ve tried to get rid of you in the past myself, you’ve never let me walk away.’

  ‘And I never will,’ Flick said.

  ‘You always push back and call me out. If I hadn’t come back here, you’d just have come after me.’ He stared at her, into her, absorbing everything he could from her. Then he took his hand to her head and stroked downward, watching his fingertips as they drifted out of her locks.

  ‘I would follow you, yes,’ she whispered, and his eyes floated up to hers. ‘I wouldn’t sit here playing the dutiful wife to some pretty boy because you’re not man enough to admit that I’m the best thing you’ve ever had in your life. You’re the best thing I’ve ever had in my life, Rushe, and I’m no coward.’

  ‘You saying I am?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said, in spite of the snarl in his voice. ‘I think it would be easy to walk away and tell yourself that you’re doing the right thing, that you’re doing what is best for me. But it’s a crock of shit. You’re scared that you might lose me. You’re scared that something you do or say will put me in danger or hurt me. You’re the only one with the power to hurt me, Rushe, and you’re doing it right now by implying that I’m not worth fighting for.’

  ‘I didn’t say that,’ he grumped, and shifted back a step.

  ‘You’re a bad guy, Rushe, isn’t that what you think? If you’re so evil, then why do you spend so much of your life trying to do the right thing? I love you,’ she said. ‘I want to be with you.’

  ‘How can you possibly...’ he grumbled through gritted teeth, his eyes blazing with self-loathing. ‘After everything that went on here, everything you saw... what you saw me do... what you know I did… Do you know how long Antoine took to die…? He felt pain in every second that I detained him.’

  ‘You didn’t do it for fun, Rushe. I don’t care how much pleasure you took in torturing Antoine; he deserved it. He treated all of us horribly – me, you, Lucia, my family... our family... He was selling innocent women for profit and loving every moment of it. All you did was show him the other side. That’s what you always do, isn’t it? Show the perpetrator what it’s like to be the victim. He deserved it, Lover, and I’m proud of you.’

  His whole body came up against the column when he backed away further, but Flick stalked forward, and digging her hands deep into his pockets she pushed her body flat onto his.

  ‘I love you. I’m proud of you, and I won’t ever be ashamed. Nothing you could ever do would disgust me, or repulse me, because I trust the essence of who you are. You are my man.’

  ‘Flick—‘

  ‘Say it, Rushe... Please... say you are my man.’

  The thump of hope from her heart and dread from her gut collided in her diaphragm and repeated in every silent second that passed between them. The glow of her eyes met the dull uncertainty of his.

  ‘You might be big and scary on the outside, Rushe,’ Flick said. ‘But you’re not invincible. I’m the only one around here who’ll remind you of that. And I’d never lie to you. If you tried to ditch me... I’d get myself into so much trouble that you’d be forced to come back to bail me out.’

  ‘Yeah?’

  Flick nodded and sunk her hands deeper as she squeezed her breasts together and against him. ‘Then when I was safe, you’d be angry at me for getting myself into hot water, so you’d fuck some sense into me.’

  ‘That never works.’

  ‘I think it does,’ she said. ‘I think you fuck it into me and out of you. What sense would there be in trying to walk away from the only woman on the planet who can gratify you? You’d never be able to have sex with another woman, because you’d never know if I was going to walk into the room and catch you at it. I’ve already threatened her life, whoever she is, and I don’t give you permission, let’s get that clear now. No one touches my stuff... and after we had sex you wouldn’t be able to leave me again, because you’d remember how much you love me... and how hot the sex is.’

  ‘I never forgot either,’ he grumbled.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘I told you if you came with me you would get hurt.’

  ‘And I told you that I didn’t care. You’re worth the risk. How many times do you think I would get hurt if I was out there alone looking for you? But it wouldn’t stop me from doing it.’

  ‘You’re crazy,’ he mumbled. ‘You’d take all those risks to track a man who doesn’t want to be found? A man who isn’t worth it.’

  ‘Oh, he’s worth it.’

  ‘How do you know?’

  ‘Because I do,’ she said, allowing a smile to pierce her face. ‘You know I won’t be happy without you, Lover. And you’d do anything to make me happy.’

  ‘You still wanna be with me. You actually still wanna... that’s your decision?’

  ‘The only thing that’s different is that there are a few less depraved individuals walking this earth. You’ve done humanity a favour. I could never be ashamed of you, Rushe. Please don’t offend me anymore by assuming that I’m interested in changing who you are. I want you to stay the same as you were the moment we met. I don’t want to live my life in fear of losing you, either your physical being, or the truth of your soul.’

  Considering her for a long moment, he eventually sucked in a nasal breath. ‘There’s someone I want you to meet.’

  ‘Ok,’ she said.

  ‘The first guy I killed, he was raping a woman in New York, I just... it was an accident, but... I wasn’t sorry.’

  Flick rested all of her weight onto him now. ‘He was committing a crime. You saved her.’

  ‘I ran off,’ Rushe said. ‘I wasn’t hanging around for no cops... A couple of weeks later she walked into the shelter where I was staying. I didn’t know it was her, I wasn’t paying any attention until she came up with this guy... her father. I didn’t know who she was until he told me, and I thought I was dead. I was ready to run, but he got hold of me, and... thanked me. They didn’t call the cops.’

  ‘They were grateful.’

  ‘He gave me money, a couple hundred bucks. I thought I’d won the lottery.’

  ‘How old were you?’

  ‘Fourteen, maybe fifteen...’

  ‘Did you get close?’ Flick asked. ‘Do you want to tell me the story?’

  ‘It’ll take a while,’ he said, taking his hand to the top of her head with uncharacteristic caution. ‘If you ever change your mind, I’ll never—‘

  ‘Yes, you will,’ she said. ‘Or you better. If I start to doubt how much I’m worth to you and try to walk away, then you better be damn ready to fight for me. We’
re a team, a package deal, remember? There is no me without you.’

  ‘Doubt your worth,’ he said, threading his fingers down through her hair until they rested against her breast. ‘You’re the best thing I’ve ever had in my life.’

  She sensed his wit but chose to ignore it. ‘Don’t forget it, buddy... Come inside, I’ll get my things together and we’ll leave.’

  ‘I’ll wait in the car.’

  The bubble of uncertainty, of mistrust, that she’d had when he said things like that in the past grew until it burst. ‘In the car?’

  ‘I’m not subtle, Sweetheart. If I was gonna take off, I’d toss you aside and do it now.’

  ‘But why—‘

  ‘It doesn’t pay to get attached, Kit.’

  Not changing who he was meant accepting that some things would always remain the same. Her family had let her down when they cast her out, and Rushe would never forget that. He’d never trust them, and Flick’s own doubts about just how like her family she was intensified when she sat in that house with them.

  Yes, it was nice to know that they wouldn’t be as judgemental of Rushe, because there was a chance all of their paths would cross again. But Flick didn’t want the life that the Hughes offered; it didn’t make her happy.

  So she went inside alone, gathered her possessions, and said her goodbyes. She and Rushe had their own life to get on with, and no matter what that entailed, as long as they were together, Flick knew that she’d always be happy.

  Epilogue

  ‘Hey! Guys paid to stick it up your ass in the eighteen nineties,’ Tawny said, when Rushe reached the side of the couch that Flick was sitting on with Tawny.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Rushe asked.

  ‘Reading.’

  ‘Why?’ Rushe asked.

  ‘Because it’s fun,’ Tawny said, as Flick peeked over her shoulder to draw her eyes to her love.

  ‘I read all the time,’ Flick said to him. ‘You told me it was sexy.’

  ‘Yeah, but you’re…’ Both women twisted to look up at him. ‘Forget it,’ he said. ‘You, upstairs.’

  ‘Me?’ Flick asked, though he was very obviously glaring at her.