Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)

by Dave Barry

  FIRST EXPERT: Bill, I think we may be seeing the bottom here, unless the market goes lower.

  SECOND EXPERT: I agree, Bob. If the market does not go any lower, then this is the bottom. But by the same token, if the market DOES go lower, then this is not the bottom. We can say whatever we want and people will take us seriously, because we’re on TV and we’re wearing suits.

  FIRST EXPERT: I like to say “bottom,” Bill. Bottom bottom bottom.

  SECOND EXPERT: Ha-ha! But seriously, Bob, if the market goes higher from here, then we can say this is…

  And so on, day after wary day. We became even warier when we found out that some large corporations had essentially the same business ethics as Bonnie and Clyde. It got so bad that we even became wary of Martha Stewart, who hit her own personal bottom (we are speaking figuratively) during a June appearance on the CBS early-morning show. Martha was trying to chop some cabbage for a salad, and the show’s host, Jane Clayson, kept pestering her about her alleged insider trading, and finally Martha emitted what was probably the most poignant quote from all of 2002: “I want to focus on my salad.”

  In a way, Martha was speaking for the entire nation. We all wanted very much to focus on our salad in 2002. But it was impossible with so many things making us wary. In addition to being wary of terrorism and economic uncertainty, we were wary that our children would be abducted, that a sniper would shoot us, that Saddam Hussein would attack us, or that we would attack him. We were wary of asteroids, wary of wildfires, wary of floods, wary that American Idol was fixed, wary of fast food, wary of global warming, wary of Florida elections, wary of professional baseball, wary of the West Nile virus, wary that at any moment, some evil, vicious, sick, twisted mind with no regard for the norms of human decency would decide to make a sequel to Scooby-Doo.

  But, somehow, one wary day at a time, we got through 2002. Now we are poised to enter a new year, which, according to Wall Street analysts, will be 2003, so we would not bet on it. But before we move ahead to wherever we’re going, let us take one last, wary look back at the year just completed, starting with…

  JANUARY

  …which begins on a hopeful note in Europe, as the nations of the European Union replace their individual currencies with the new “euro,” which is expected to boost the European economy by tricking clueless American tourists—who were just starting to figure out the old currencies—into leaving unintentionally gigantic tips. The euro is an immediate success in Paris, where an elderly Ohio couple orders two coffees at a Paris café and discovers, by the time they have settled the bill, that the waiter now owns their house.

  But the economic news is not so good in the United States, where President George W. Bush and the Congress discover that the federal budget surplus, which only moments earlier had been trillions of dollars, is now…missing! Everybody looks high and low for it, but the darned thing is just GONE. Iraq is suspected.

  In other executive action, the nation gets a scare when President Bush chokes on a pretzel, which is immediately wrestled to the floor by Secret Service agents. The president is unconscious for about thirty seconds, during which time Vice President Cheney appoints 173 federal judges.

  But the big domestic issue is Homeland Insecurity, which is most noticeable at airports, where the Department of Transportation, having determined that every single 9/11 hijacker was a young male from a Middle Eastern country, has implemented a shrewd policy of hassling randomly selected elderly women.

  Meanwhile, al-Qaeda fighters captured in Afghanistan are flown to the U.S. Naval Station at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, for detainment. This outrages various perpetually outraged human rights organizations, which issue a statement charging that the prisoners are being kept under inhumane conditions, including “a lack of even the most rudimentary volleyball equipment.”

  In other terrorist news, American Taliban fighter John Walker Lindh is hired as a marketing consultant by Major League Baseball.

  On a positive military note, specially trained U.S. forces score a major victory when, after days of brutal fighting, they capture what is believed to be the headquarters of Enron, although they acknowledge that there are probably “many smaller Enron cells still operating throughout the nation.” The stock market drops 87 points.

  Dave Thomas flips his last burger. In sports, Mike Tyson, appearing before the Nevada Athletic Commission to plead for a boxing license, expresses deep remorse for his past misbehavior, and informs the commissioners that if they turn him down he will have no option but to eat their children. The Department of Homeland Insecurity responds by placing the nation on a Code Fuchsia Alert (“Relatively High”).

  Speaking of effective tactics, the month of…

  FEBRUARY

  …opens with a World Economic Forum meeting in New York City, where angry protesters, determined to rid the world of poverty, hunger, disease, and pollution, attack the obvious root cause of all these problems: The Gap. In other economic news, Argentina, seeking to avert bankruptcy, makes a payment of $27.42 toward its Visa bill, currently $48 billion.

  In happier economic news, Americans enjoy the wacky and hilarious spectacle of Enron executives being sternly lectured about financial responsibility by members of the United States Congress. Meanwhile, President Bush, seeking to reassure Americans concerned about losing their retirement savings in the plunging stock market, proposes a bold series of federal initiatives designed to “develop nutritious, low-cost recipes using peanut butter.” The stock market drops 153 points.

  In the War on Terrorism, security personnel at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport wrestle would-be passenger Merline A. Grelpner, ninety-one, to the ground after an alert screener notices that she is carrying an object that is later confirmed, by the FBI, using spectrographic analysis, to be a pretzel. The Department of Homeland Insecurity places the nation on a Code Magenta Alert (“A Tad Higher Than Relatively High, But Not Totally High”).

  In sports, the New England Patriots win the Super Bowl, thus using up all the sports luck that New England has been accumulating for decades and thereby guaranteeing that the Red Sox will not win the World Series for another 150 years.

  But the big sporting event is the Winter Olympics, which brings thousands of athletes and spectators from around the world to Salt Lake City to celebrate the official Olympic theme: “A Salute to Metal Detectors.” The games go smoothly at first, except in the alpine events, where the competitors, their skis having been confiscated by airport security, must slide down the mountain on their butts. But the big scandal occurs in pairs figure skating, where the Canadian team clearly outskates the competition, only to see the gold medal awarded, in a judging decision that creates an international uproar, to…Iraq.

  And speaking of international tension, in…

  MARCH

  …the situation worsens in the Middle East as Israeli tanks, following a series of Palestinian attacks, surround Yasser Arafat’s headquarters, cutting off the electricity, telephone service, water, and pizza delivery. This is roughly the twenty-fifth time the Israelis have had Arafat surrounded, but the crafty leader persuades them to let him go by promising to take a shower, a pledge he immediately violates.

  Meanwhile, the United States is treated to an amazing but absolutely true Homeland Insecurity development when, on March 11, a Florida flight school receives formal notification from the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service that the INS has approved student visas for Mohamed Atta and Marwan al-Shehhi, both of whom are currently deceased, having hijacked airplanes and flown them into the World Trade Center exactly six months earlier. Stung by the intense criticism that follows, the INS director vows that the agency will implement tough new procedures for reviewing visa applications, “including, if necessary, actually reading the names.”

  In other government action, Congress passes a campaign finance reform law, thus guaranteeing that, henceforth, politicians will not be influenced by money. Also, the sun will rise in the west. Meanwhile, the Whitewater investig
ation, which lasted six years and cost $70 million, finally comes to a close with the special prosecutor issuing a five-volume report concluding that Hillary Clinton “probably” dyes her hair.

  In business news, investigators probing the Enron scandal finally track down the accounting firm of Arthur Andersen, which had sought to evade prosecution by changing its name to “Arthur Smith” and disguising its corporate headquarters with a gigantic red wig and sunglasses. Troops are sent to capture the firm, only to discover that the top auditors have escaped to…Iraq. The Department of Homeland Insecurity responds by ratcheting the nation up to a Code Ocher Alert (“Deeply Concerned”). The stock market drops 381 points.

  On the religious front, the Catholic Archdiocese of Boston pays $23 million to a man who alleged that his parish priest, on more than a dozen occasions in the 1970s, exposed him to the soundtrack from Grease, and now he can’t get it out of his head.

  In entertainment news, the surprise TV hit is the The Osbournes, in which viewers follow the wacky antics of zonked-out rocker Ozzy Osbourne, played, in the performance of his career, by David Hasselhoff.

  In the Academy Awards, the Oscar for best picture goes to A Beautiful Mind, the uplifting story of legendary mathematical genius John Nash, who received a Nobel Prize decades after his descent into insanity, caused by attempting to do his own income taxes. On the music front, the U.S. recording industry is buoyed by a report that fourteen-year-old Jason Plempitt of Knoxville, Tenn., went into a music store and actually purchased a CD, making him the first teenager in three years to pay money for a recording rather than download it for free from the Internet. The humiliated youngster quickly informs his classmates that his computer is broken.

  On a sadder note, two beloved public figures pass away: Milton “Mr. Television” Berle, who was ninety-three, and Britain’s Queen Mother Elizabeth, who was 247. They are laid to rest in identical dresses.

  But there is little rest to be had in…

  APRIL

  …when Secretary of State Colin Powell travels to the Middle East to (1) restore peace to the troubled region and (2) receive a plaque from the Association of Troubled Middle East Travel Agencies honoring him for making the five-thousandth official U.S. peacekeeping trip. At the awards ceremony, Powell jokes: “We expect to get this thing resolved any day now,” which gets a big laugh, punctuated by mortar fire. On Powell’s arrival back in Washington, President Bush hails the trip as “a major success,” noting that the secretary of state brought home “much of his original luggage.” The stock market drops 518 points.

  In France, the first round of the presidential elections produces alarming evidence of a right-wing resurgence in the country when the second-place vote getter, finishing just behind incumbent Jacques Chirac, is Pat Buchanan.

  In other international news, a euphoric Argentina president Eduardo Duhalde announces that he has received an e-mail stating that Argentina can make a surefire $500 million via a foolproof plan. All Argentina has to do is send $10 million to the top name on the e-mail list, which is…Iraq.

  On the domestic terrorism front, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service, tightening up its procedures, quietly reverses its decision to grant a student visa to Osama bin Laden. This decisive action enables the Department of Homeland Insecurity to ratchet the nation’s Color Code Security Status all the way down to Mauve (“Calm But Tense”).

  Things are not so peaceful, however, in professional baseball, where a dispute between players and owners threatens to ruin the season and, with it, the social lives of thousands of fantasy baseball dweebs. At issue is what the players and owners can do to restore the goodwill and trust of pro baseball’s increasingly alienated fans.

  Ha-ha! No, really, the issue is how each side can snag the most possible money before the game goes completely into the toilet. The talks open on a tense note, as the owners’ charges of steroid abuse are met with vehement denials by players’ union representatives, who quickly reduce a large oak conference table to kindling.

  In cultural news, Oprah Winfrey announces that she is discontinuing her book club because she has run out of good titles to recommend to her audience, as evidenced by her final selection, Fifty Fun Celery Recipes.

  Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes hip-hops off the big stage.

  And speaking of the entertainment industry, in…

  MAY

  …the big news is the release of the fifth installment in the Star Wars series, Star Wars II, which continues to express creator/director George Lucas’s artistic vision, summed up by the statement: “I don’t understand Roman numerals.” The movie seems to be an effort by Lucas to connect with younger audiences, as evidenced by the exciting action scene in which Anakin Skywalker battles the evil Count Dooku in a deadly high-stakes game of Quidditch.

  In other film news, al-Qaeda, apparently seeking to disprove reports that its leader is dead, releases its latest video, The Osama bin Laden Fugitive Workout. The Department of Homeland Insecurity decides to ratchet the nation’s Color Code Security Status up a notch to Key Lime (“Partly Cloudy”).

  In other War on Terrorism developments, the Federal Transportation Security Administration opposes a proposal to let airline pilots carry guns, the official reasoning being that, hey, what if terrorists got on the plane and in their struggle to kill the pilots so they could take control of the cockpit and fly the plane into a building and kill a lot more people a pilot fired his gun at them but missed? Somebody could get hurt!

  On the international front, President Bush and Russian president Vladimir Putin sign an arms reduction treaty under which the U.S. will destroy about two-thirds of its nuclear arsenal and Russia will “make every effort, within reason,” to try to find out who, exactly, HAS its nuclear arsenal.

  America observes Mother’s Day in traditional fashion, with an estimated 125 million families taking their moms to dinner at an estimated three restaurants.

  In economic news, Merrill Lynch agrees to pay a $100 million fine for luring naïve investors into buying stocks in risky Internet companies. The firm will raise this money by luring naïve investors into buying stocks in companies that have not yet tanked. The market responds by dropping 1,247 points.

  In South Florida, efforts to create a new artificial reef out of the decommissioned navy ship Spiegel Grove go awry when the 510-foot vessel, instead of sinking as planned, is elected lieutenant governor. It’s “back to the drawing board” for the state’s beleaguered elections officials.

  In entertainment news, the surprise hit TV “reality show” of the spring is India and Pakistan Threaten to Start a Nuclear War. But after a few weeks of waiting for something to happen, viewers become bored and go back to watching the perennial ratings favorite, Amateur Video of Police Officers Beating Up a Motorist.

  In sports action, the World Cup gets under way with defending champion France playing Senegal—a lowly underdog and former French colony—in an exciting match that ends in a stunning upset win by…Iraq.

  Sam Snead finally reaches the 19th hole.

  And speaking of icons, in…

  JUNE

  …Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II celebrates the fiftieth year of her reign at a star-studded gala concert featuring performances by Paul McCartney, Phil Collins, Eric Clapton, and Ozzy Osbourne, who, in the dramatic highlight of the evening, bites the head off one of the Queen’s Welsh corgis.

  But the mood is not so jubilant in the Middle East, where, following a series of Palestinian attacks, Israeli tanks again surround the headquarters of Yasser Arafat and slowly press against it until it is the size of a twin bed. The crafty Arafat escapes again by claiming he has a dental appointment.

  Speaking of close calls: On June 14, a giant asteroid, discovered only three days earlier, passes within seventy-five thousand miles of the Earth. Congress immediately holds hearings, with the Democrats charging that the Bush administration should have known about it sooner and the Republicans noting that the asteroid had been heading this w
ay during all eight years of the Clinton administration. The CIA acknowledges, under questioning, that at one point it was tracking the asteroid but lost the file. In the end, all parties agree that airport security needs to be tightened.

  In another alarming story, wildfires rage out of control in Colorado and several other western states, burning thousands of acres and destroying dozens of homes. Investigators searching an area where one of the largest blazes originated find a Zippo lighter bearing a thumbprint belonging to…Iraq.

  The nation’s Color Code Security Status is quickly raised to Maroon (“Dark Brownish Red”).

  On Wall Street, the bad news continues. First, WorldCom announces that it has improperly accounted for $3.9 billion and has “at least six” movies seriously overdue for return to Blockbuster. Next, Xerox, under pressure from investigators, admits that its second-quarter profits were actually a copy of its first-quarter profits. Next, Martha Stewart is linked to a string of bank robberies. The stock market drops 11,600 points.

  Ann Landers dies but continues to dispense commonsense advice.

  In legal news, a Dayton, Ohio, jury, in a unanimous verdict, orders five cigarette companies to pay $128 billion to a sixty-seven-year-old man, despite the fact that the man (1) is not a smoker, (2) has not sued anybody, and (3) is in fact on trial for littering. The Association of Trial Lawyers of America hails this as “a major victory for our Porsche dealership.” In California, a federal appeals court rules that schools cannot compel American schoolchildren to say the Pledge of Allegiance, on the grounds that “allegiance” has too many syllables.

  And speaking of legal trouble, in…

  JULY

  …two pilots scheduled to fly an America West plane from Miami to Phoenix are ordered from the cockpit at Miami International Airport and found to be drunk. The pilots aroused suspicions when they made a preflight announcement asking if any passenger “happens to have a corkscrew.”