Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)

by Dave Barry

  There is another popular uprising in…

  OCTOBER

  …when the people of California, by a large majority, vote to send incumbent governor Gray Davis back to his pod. They replace him with Arnold Schwarzenegger, who wins easily despite allegations that he gropes women, which he assures the voters that he will never do in his capacity as governor “without a really good reason.” In his victory statement, Schwarzenegger announces that he will appoint a stunt governor, who will handle the tasks that he is physically unable to perform, such as pronouncing words.

  In other California news, fires rage out of control in large sectors of the state, destroying hundreds of homes and an estimated twenty-seven thousand Starbucks.

  In Washington, Congress approves President Bush’s request for $87 billion to Iraqify Iraq so that it will be more Iraq-like. The money will also be used for the War on Terror, including $23.99 to pay for what is described as “a complete overhaul” of the U.S. intelligence community’s Magic 8 Ball.

  On the economic front, there is good news from the Commerce Department, which reports a sharp upturn in the nation’s economy, credited primarily to spending by North Korean troops.

  In the Democratic presidential race, Sen. Bob “Bob” Graham drops out of the presidential race, narrowing the Democratic field to 2,038 people if you count Dennis Kucinich.

  In a surprising development, conservative radio-talk-show host Rush Limbaugh shocks his millions of listeners when, confirming tabloid reports, he reveals on his popular syndicated show that he is, biologically, a woman. He promises to get treatment.

  In immigration news, federal agents in twenty-one states descend on Wal-Mart stores that are allegedly employing illegal immigrants. The agents emerge hours later, glassy-eyed, holding bags filled with hundreds of dollars’ worth of bargains but unable to remember what they went in there for in the first place.

  China, culminating a two-decade effort to develop a manned spaceflight program, puts its first astronaut in orbit. Work begins immediately on a program to develop a way to get him back down.

  In health news, authorities in Boston, Chicago, and New York report a rash of suicide attempts after the Florida Marlins, a franchise with essentially the same amount of tradition as Britney Spears, win their second World Series in six years. The Marlins are helped by a fluke play in the National League play-offs when a foul ball, about to be caught by Cubs outfielder Moises Alou, is deflected by a man who is later identified as a Fiesta Bowl official.

  And speaking of foul, in…

  NOVEMBER

  …a big political stink erupts over adding drug benefits to Medicare, with Republicans and Democrats battling fiercely to see who can pander the hardest to the crucial senior citizen voting bloc without letting the other voting blocs figure out how much they will have to pay. The Republicans prevail with the help of the AARP. This angers some AARP members, who attempt to burn their membership cards in protest but are unable to work those newfangled childproof cigarette lighters.

  In other political news, Democratic front-runner Howard Dean creates a stir when he says he wants to be the candidate of “guys with Confederate flags in their pickup trucks.” After harsh criticism from his 2,037 opponents, Dean clarifies his position, explaining that he meant “guys using their pickup trucks to take Confederate flags to the dump to burn them because Confederate flags are bad.” This prompts his opponents to charge that burning flags could be environmentally harmful. In the end, the only thing everybody can agree on is that there should be some kind of expensive program for senior citizens who have Confederate flags.

  In a move that outrages traditionalists, Massachusetts legalizes gay marriage. California, not to be outdone, outlaws marriage between heterosexuals.

  In a dramatic Thanksgiving Day surprise, President Bush makes a top secret trip to Iraq, where he serves turkey to the troops and delivers a moving speech thanking them for their efforts. The visit puts the troops in high spirits until about three minutes after the president leaves, at which point the turkey, which turns out to be a “suicide turkey,” explodes.

  Elsewhere on the international front, a group of “trade ministers,” whom nobody has ever heard of, gather in Miami to discuss something called the “FTAA,” which nobody understands, while outside thousands of people protest for reasons that run the gamut from extremely vague to outright delusional. Most of the protestors are peaceful, although some become involved in violent clashes with North Korean troops. After a few days, everybody goes home and the whole thing seems like a weird dream.

  In entertainment news, CBS cancels the made-for-TV movie The Reagans after conservatives object to the portrayal of Ronald Reagan, who is played in the movie by a heavily made-up Bette Midler. Similar charges are leveled against NBC for its movie about Jessica Lynch, who is forced to issue a statement stressing that, despite what the movie suggests, she had “nothing to do with raising the flag at Iwo Jima.”

  In other entertainment news, pop superstar Michael Jackson again finds himself in legal trouble when authorities in Santa Barbara order him fingerprinted and booked on charges of “extreme creepiness, even for California.” Jackson’s attorney expresses outrage, telling a press conference that his client “doesn’t even HAVE fingerprints.”

  And the strangeness only gets stranger in…

  DECEMBER

  …which begins on an upbeat note thanks to strong holiday retail sales, as measured by the economic indicator of Mall Shoppers Injured in Fights Over Sony PlayStations. In other positive news, the Commerce Department reports that the economic recovery has finally resulted in job creation. “So far, it’s only the one job, and it’s in urinal maintenance,” notes the department. “But if things work out, it could become full-time.”

  On the War on Terror front, the nation gets a chilling reminder of its continued vulnerability when more than two hundred federal airport security workers are hospitalized because of continued exposure to what medical investigators describe as “really funky passenger feet.”

  In a move that concerns legal scholars, the U.S. Supreme Court announces that it is switching to a new “reality” TV format, called Who Wants to Be a Justice, in which ordinary citizens will help the court decide cases. In its first decision, the court, by an 11 to 9 vote, raises the national speed limit to 140 miles per hour.

  In other entertainment news, Madonna kisses Cher, Emeril, Paris Hilton, Barney, Flipper, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

  In a medical breakthrough, a Houston-based team of surgeons, working for seventeen hours in a risky, first-of-its-kind operation, are able to separate a twenty-one-year-old woman from her cellular telephone. She expires within hours, but doctors report that the phone is stable, and they expect its condition to improve dramatically “once it finds a new host.”

  The month’s biggest surprise occurs when U.S. troops finally capture a filthy and bedraggled Saddam Hussein hiding in a hole along with eleven other members of the cast of the CBS “reality” show Survivor: Iraq. The former dictator immediately hires attorney Johnnie Cochran, who reveals that his defense strategy will be based on the legal argument that “if there’s no WMD, you must set him free.”

  The other big December surprise is another daring, hush-hush-secret holiday morale-building head-of-state visit, this one by North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, who secretly travels to Washington, D.C., where he holds a reception for occupying North Korean troops. The Department of Homeland Security, asked how Kim was able to enter the country undetected, speculates that “he must have removed his shoes.”

  Finally, in a heartwarming story of the season, on New Year’s Eve U.S. military radar detects a mysterious object streaking across the sky. A telescopic investigation reveals that the object is what NASA describes as “a heavily modified” 1953 Ford pickup truck, driven by Cuban refugees, apparently bound for the Moon.

  Here’s hoping they make it. Here’s also hoping that 2004 is a wonderful year, or at least better than 2003. />
  Which shouldn’t be hard.

  2004

  THE POLITICS, THE PASSION, AND PARIS

  Looking back on 2004, we have to conclude that it could have been worse.

  “HOW?” you ask, spitting out your coffee.

  Well, OK, a giant asteroid could have smashed into the Earth and destroyed all human life except Paris Hilton and William Hung. Or Florida could have been hit by twenty hurricanes instead of just seventeen.

  Or the Yankees could have won the World Series.

  But no question, 2004 was bad. Consider:

  We somehow managed to hold a presidential election campaign that for several months was devoted almost entirely to the burning issue of: Vietnam.

  Our Iraq policy, despite being discussed, debated, and agreed upon right up to the very highest levels of the White House, did not always seem to be wildly popular over there in Iraq.

  Osama bin Laden remained at large for yet another year (although we did manage, at long last, to put Martha Stewart behind bars).

  The federal budget deficit continued to worsen, despite the concerted effort of virtually every elected official in Washington—Republican or Democrat—to spend more money.

  As a nation, we managed somehow to get even fatter, despite the fact that anticarbohydrate mania worsened to the point where the average American would rather shoot heroin than eat a bagel.

  The “reality” show cancer continued to metastasize so that you couldn’t turn on the TV without seeing either Donald Trump or a cavalcade of dimwits emoting dramatically about eating bugs, losing weight, marrying a millionaire, or remodeling a bathroom.

  Perhaps most alarming of all, Cher yet again extended her “farewell” tour, which began during the Jimmy Carter administration and is now expected to continue until the sun goes out.

  So, all things considered, we’re happy to be entering a new year, which, according to our calculations, will be 2005 (although the exit polls are predicting it will be 1997). But before we move on, let’s swallow our antinausea medication and take one last look back at 2004, which began, as so many years seem to, with…

  JANUARY

  …a month that opens with all the magic, excitement, and glamour conjured up by the words “Iowa caucuses.” All the political experts—having gauged the mood of the state by dining with each other at essentially three Des Moines restaurants—agree that the Democratic nomination has already been locked up by feisty yet irritable genius Vermont governor Howard Dean, thanks to his two unbeatable weapons: (1) the Internet and (2) college students wearing orange hats.

  But it turns out that the Iowa voters, many of whom apparently do not eat at the right restaurants, are out of the loop regarding the Dean strategic brilliance. Instead they vote for John “I Served in Vietnam” Kerry, who served in Vietnam and also has many policies, although nobody, including him, seems to know for sure exactly what they are. Dean, reacting to his Iowa loss, gives an emotional concession speech that ends with him making a sound like a hog being castrated with a fondue fork. Incredibly, this fails to improve his poll standings.

  Meanwhile, the Bush administration, increasingly disturbed by the bad news from Iraq, cancels the White House’s lone remaining subscription (Baseball Digest).

  But the news is much better from Mars, where yet another spunky li’l NASA robot vehicle lands and begins transmitting back photographs of rocks that appear virtually identical to the rock photos beamed back by all the other spunky li’l NASA robots, thus confirming suspicions that the universe has a LOT of rocks in it. In other outer-space news, Michael Jackson, clearly concerned about his trial on charges of child molestation, dances on the roof of an SUV.

  In lifestyle news, the hot trend is “metrosexuals”—young males who are not gay but are seriously into grooming and dressing well. There are only eight documented cases of males like this, all living in two Manhattan blocks, but they are featured in an estimated seventeen thousand newspaper and magazine articles over the course of about a week, after which this trend, like a minor character vaporized by aliens in a Star Trek episode, disappears and is never heard from again.

  In sports, Pete Rose publishes a book in which he at last confesses to an allegation that dogged him throughout his baseball career: He’s a jerk.

  Speaking of shocking revelations, in…

  FEBRUARY

  …the nation—already troubled by bad news from Iraq, coupled with a resurgence in terrorism and a slow economic recovery—is traumatized by something that leaves a deep and lasting scar on the fragile national psyche: Janet Jackson’s right nipple, which is revealed for a full three ten-thousandths of a second during the Super Bowl halftime show. This event is so traumatic that the two teams are unable to complete the game, with many players simply lying on the field in the fetal position whimpering. It is a moment reminiscent of the JFK assassination, in that virtually all Americans can remember exactly where they were when it happened.

  “I was on the sofa,” they say. Or: “I was in the bathroom and missed the traumatic moment, but fortunately we have TiVo.”

  As the nation reels in shock, the networks ban all programs that feature any kind of nudity, including unclothed fish. Congress also swiftly swings into action: Democrats blame the Bush administration, noting that the nipple was revealed on Bush’s watch, while Republicans point out that during all eight years of the Clinton administration Janet Jackson clearly possessed nipples and Bill Clinton was almost certainly aware of this.

  Bush himself suggests the possibility that the nipples could have originated in Iraq. John Kerry notes that there were nipples in Vietnam.

  Elsewhere in politics, feisty Internet genius Howard Dean drops out of the Democratic race after losing seventeen consecutive primaries, despite leading in every single exit poll. Meanwhile, Ralph Nader announces that he will again run for president, a decision that is hailed unanimously by Nader’s support base, which consists of Ralph and his friend Wendell the Talking Space Turtle.

  In entertainment news, the feel-good hit of the winter is Mel Gibson’s wacky film romp The Passion of the Christ, although critics of product placement object to the scene where Pontius Pilate can be seen holding a Diet Sprite.

  On the cultural front, the mayor of San Francisco attempts to legalize same-sex marriage, which outrages those who believe that marriage is a sacred institution that should be entered into only by heterosexual people, such as Britney Spears and Mike Tyson.

  Speaking of fighters, in…

  MARCH

  …John Kerry sews up the Democratic nomination with primary victories in California, Florida, Illinois, Canada, France, Germany, and Sweden. Kerry’s closest rival, John Edwards, drops out of the race, but Dennis Kucinich stays in, saying that he intends to keep his idealistic grassroots campaign going until either all U.S. troops leave Iraq or he finds a girlfriend.

  In other political news, Russian president Vladimir Putin easily wins reelection, despite exit polls indicating the winner was Howard Dean.

  There is finally some positive news from Iraq, where negotiators reach agreement on an interim constitution, which guarantees that, for the first time ever, Iraq will be governed by a duly elected council of nervous men in armored cars going 80 mph.

  In domestic news, U.S. gasoline prices reach record levels when, in what economists describe as a freak coincidence, two drivers attempt to refuel their Humvees on the same day.

  On the legal front, a federal jury convicts Martha Stewart on four counts of needing to be taken down a peg. In what many legal experts call an unduly harsh punishment, a federal judge sentences Stewart to be the topic of two months of Jay Leno jokes.

  Speaking of punishments, in…

  APRIL

  …the Federal Communications Commission levies a $495,000 fine against Clear Channel Communications for a 2003 incident in which Howard Stern, on his nationally broadcast radio show, exposed his right nipple.

  But the big entertainment news comes at the end of the t
wo-hour season finale of the mega-hit reality show The Apprentice, when Donald Trump, in the most anticipated event of the year—and quite possibly all of human history—fires that one guy, whatshisname, and keeps that other guy. You remember. It was HUGE.

  Meanwhile, in another blow to the U.S.-led coalition effort in Iraq, Spain withdraws its troop, Sgt. Juan Hernandez. As violence in Iraq escalates, critics of the Bush administration charge that there are not enough U.S. soldiers over there. Administration officials heatedly deny this, arguing that the real problem is that there are too many Iraqis over there. In the words of one high-level official (who is not identified in press reports because of the difficulties involved in spelling “Condoleezza”), the administration “may have to relocate the Iraqis to a safer area, such as Ecuador.” John Kerry calls this “a ridiculous idea,” adding, “I wholeheartedly endorse it.”

  In economic news, the price of a gallon of gasoline at the pump reaches $236.97, prompting widespread concern that there is something wrong with this particular pump. Congress vows to hold hearings.

  Speaking of things gone wrong, in…

  MAY

  …world outrage grows in reaction to photos taken inside Iraq’s notorious Abu Ghraib prison showing U.S. soldiers repeatedly forcing prisoners to look at the video of Janet Jackson’s right nipple. As human rights organizations voice outrage, President Bush vows to “punish whoever is responsible for this, no matter who it is, unless, of course, it is Donald Rumsfeld.” Congress vows to hold hearings.

  The nation’s mood does not improve when the Department of Making Everybody in the Homeland Nervous raises the Official National Terror Index Level to “Yikes!” based on having received credible information indicating that al-Qaeda terrorist cells are, quote, “up to something” and “could be in your attic right now.”