The Idea of You

by Darcy Burke

  “I’m not.” She was disappointed, however. Even though the situation wasn’t ideal, she still wanted a baby, and going from maybe I’m pregnant to definitely not pregnant was a letdown. Worse than that, however, was how she felt about leaving Evan and the stilted text conversations they’d had the past few days. They went something like this:

  Alaina: Hey! Just thinking about you and hoping you’re well.

  Evan: Good, thanks.

  Or

  Evan: I saw you on the Oscars. You looked great.

  Alaina: Thanks!

  Or

  Alaina: Good morning! How was your workout?

  Evan: Great, thanks. How was yours?

  Alaina: Really good.

  She winced. They were both to blame for the complete lack of communication. She longed to talk to him, to see him, to touch him. But she didn’t know where to start. How about with “I’m not pregnant”?

  “Spill,” Crystal said, stirring the margaritas on the rocks before handing one to Alaina. “Not the drink—I did a really good job on these.”

  Alaina cracked a smile at her stupid joke. “I would never spill one of your margaritas.”

  Crystal picked up her glass and clacked it against Alaina’s. “To drinking with your best friend.” She took a drink, set the glass on the counter, then leaned forward. “It’s Evan, isn’t it?”

  Alaina sipped her drink and then took a longer pull before setting it down. “I’m that transparent?”

  “Only to me. But I have to say that I haven’t seen you this hung up on a guy since . . . since forever. This is the point when you bail—but maybe that’s what you did by leaving on Sunday.”

  Alaina tossed her a glare. “I had to come back, or don’t you remember calling me at four in the morning about the Academy Awards?”

  “Hey, don’t get mad at me. I didn’t hold a gun to your head or anything.”

  Alaina stuck her finger into her drink to push down an ice cube that was sticking up. “Sorry, I’m not mad at you.” No, she was mad at herself for being in a funk. And maybe, just maybe, she was mad that Crystal was right. This was the most hung up she’d ever been on a guy. And lucky for her, he just happened be the one guy who couldn’t tolerate her lifestyle and career and had no interest in sharing her dream of a family. She sure knew how to pick ’em.

  She licked her finger and took another drink of the margarita. “Might need another one of these.”

  Crystal watched her intently for a moment. “So this guy’s different. Why is that a bad thing?”

  Alaina hadn’t told her anything beyond the condom-breaking fiasco. Crystal didn’t even know that he was on the autism spectrum. “What if I told you the guy I was seeing—”

  “Evan? Saying his name isn’t going to jinx anything or make the situation worse. Tell me what’s wrong.”

  “Evan’s autistic.”

  Crystal blinked. “Like Rain Man autistic?”

  Alaina exhaled sharply. “No! Don’t stereotype!”

  Crystal held up her hands. “Hey, I have zero experience with this. So tell me about him.”

  “His brain works differently than ours. He has trouble processing sensory information and communicating in a typical manner. He’s mostly fine.” She shook her head. “No, he’s totally fine. He’s just different. He’s honest in a way most guys can’t possibly be. When he says or does something, you know it’s true and real. There are no games, no uncertainty. What you see is absolutely what you get.” For better or for worse, since he didn’t sugarcoat anything.

  “That sounds pretty awesome actually.”

  It was, but because there was no such thing as perfect, there was more to it. “He’s socially unaware, sucks at relationships by his own admission, and has these sensory meltdowns if he gets overwhelmed. Social situations, even with his own family, can aggravate him. And he doesn’t ever want children.” She looked over at Crystal with a sad smile. “See how we’re a match made in hell?”

  Crystal came around the island and sat beside her. “I’m sorry, Lainie. That sucks. Why doesn’t he want kids?”

  “He says it’s because he’s worried about genetic stuff, but I suspect he doesn’t think he can be a good dad with his . . . I don’t know what to call it. Disability, I guess, but he doesn’t seem disabled. So many of the things that make him quirky are the things I like most about him. His ability to cut through all of the bullshit and just be in the moment. I’ve never met a guy like that.”

  “I know,” Crystal said softly. “They’re all too hung up on Alaina Pierce, gorgeous movie star.”

  “Exactly. Evan doesn’t do that. I’m not even sure he sees me like that at all. When I got all dressed up in the outfit you sent, he seemed a little shocked.” She smiled at the memory of his appreciative gaze when he’d seen her step out of the limo.

  “You’re smiling. That must be a good thing,” Crystal said.

  “Just thinking about last weekend with Evan.” She turned to look at Crystal. “He is pretty special.”

  “Then tell him so. Shouldn’t you call him about the test anyway?”

  “I will. After dinner.”

  “Then we shouldn’t drink too much more. Unless you want to drunk dial.” She grinned at Alaina, who rolled her eyes in response.

  “Good point. I’ll go call him now.” Her insides wobbled with uncertainty. “But first, tell me about your call with Nolan’s assistant.”

  Crystal reached for her glass and took another drink. “It was good—short. We set up a lunch meeting for Monday afternoon at one. She’s sending the script over on Friday so you can take a read beforehand.”

  “And it’s sci-fi fantasy?”

  Crystal smiled. “Yep, just what you’ve always wanted.” Her grin faded. “But, Alaina, if you do this movie, you have to delay your plans. The movie won’t come out for at least eighteen or twenty months—award season of next year. The promo tour will take weeks, then there’s all the awards shows.”

  She’d be thirty-two before she could even get pregnant, maybe thirty-three before she had the baby. If she was lucky enough to get pregnant. Given her total fail over the weekend just a few days after ovulating and on Clomid, she had to assume it might not be in the cards for her. And that disappointed her maybe even more than losing Evan.

  “I see the wheels turning in your head,” Crystal said. “You don’t have to do this movie. Focus on Rainy Day. You’re so excited about this pilot you and Sean are vetting.”

  That was true. She loved working with Sean and steering her own ship. Still, the Nolan movie could be the pinnacle of her career, and wouldn’t that be a great way to go out? “I am, but I can’t ignore Christopher Nolan. I don’t want to. So I put my dream off a little longer. I’m not canceling it, just postponing.”

  Crystal lifted her glass and gave her a skeptical look over the rim. “Don’t be surprised if something else gets in your way.”

  Alaina glared at her. “What the hell does that mean?”

  “It means maybe you don’t really want to have a baby right now. Or maybe you shouldn’t. I don’t know.” She shrugged. “You think your career is on a downward turn, but you’re still super bankable, and you’ve never been better. Are you sure you really want to walk away?”

  “Yes. There’s more to life than this.” Like love and family. She’d seen the Archers, and damn it, she wanted that. Crystal wouldn’t understand because she had that. “There has to be more than this.”

  “Even more reason for you to figure out a way to make this work with Evan. You’re obviously in love with him—at least it seems obvious to me.”

  Was it possible? Yes, but she hadn’t let herself entertain the idea, not after the way things had gone. She’d nailed it when she’d said they were a match made in hell.

  She polished off the rest of her margarita and stood. “Do you mind dealing with dinner while I go call Evan?”

  “Not at all. You could call from here, that way I’ll hear half the conversation and y
ou’ll only have to tell me what he said.”

  Alaina laughed. “Nice try.” She strolled from the kitchen.

  “Hey, you used to tell me everything. I want the full story. I deserve the full story!”

  She did, and Alaina would give it to her. She only hoped it would be worth telling.

  THE BUZZING OF his phone drew Evan from his computer screen. He rubbed his hands over his eyes and blinked. He glanced at the time and realized he’d been writing for five hours straight. He’d been doing a lot of that since Alaina had left. The words just seemed to flow, and he was actually nearing the end, something he hadn’t thought possible just a few short weeks ago.

  He looked over at his phone, and his chest caught. It was Alaina. If he didn’t pick up in a second, it would go to voice mail. He snatched it up and swiped his thumb over the screen.

  “Alaina?”

  “Hi.”

  God, he’d missed the sound of her voice. He’d watched some interviews with her online this past week, but it wasn’t the same. She sounded different when she was in publicity mode. Or actress mode. Or whatever mode she was in when she wasn’t with him in Ribbon Ridge. Maybe that was a mode, and he didn’t know the real her at all.

  He pushed that fear down and told himself to focus on the moment. Again, the irony of that wheedled through his mind.

  “How’s it going?” she asked.

  “Fine. Busy.”

  She blew a breath into the phone, and he imagined her next to him. Her lips against his cheek, his jaw, his throat. He could almost feel her. Taste her.

  “Can we not pretend we’re strangers?” she asked. “I called to tell you something important. I had a pregnancy test today.” She didn’t really hesitate, but the gap of time between that statement and her next words felt like an eternity during which Evan’s guts twisted into knots and his blood roared through his ears. He felt like he was about to take a swan dive off the world’s tallest building into an unknown abyss.

  “It was negative,” she said.

  Relief cascaded through him. “Thank God.”

  “Yeah, good news.”

  It sounded like that was maybe the end of the conversation, but he didn’t want it to be. He’d avoided calling her, had been reserved in their texting, but with this baby thing resolved, he felt enormously better. And he wanted to see her again. “Any chance you’re coming up to Ribbon Ridge soon?”

  “I don’t know. I have some stuff here—an important meeting on Monday.”

  “Is that with Sean? I know he has to be in LA on Monday.” Evan hadn’t talked to him about it after Tori’s suggestion, but it made sense that Alaina would be involved, since they owned the production company together. “Maybe you could come up here for the meeting instead?”

  “Actually, it’s not with Sean. He’s meeting with someone else about Kyle’s show. I think we’ve found a home for it on the Travel Channel. We’re pretty stoked.”

  Disappointment curdled through Evan’s chest. “That’s too bad—about not coming here, I mean. That’s great about the show.”

  “Thanks. Maybe you could come down here with Sean?” she asked.

  Had she and Tori been talking? Evan didn’t want to know if they had, but he couldn’t see Tori doing that behind his back. “Maybe.”

  “I’d love it if you did. You could see where I live.”

  He heard the hope in her voice, felt it echoing inside him. “I’ll talk to Sean.”

  “Great. Let me know what you decide. You can stay here if you want—I have a couple of guest rooms.” So he wouldn’t have to sleep with her.

  “Thanks. I’ll let you know.”

  “Okay. Bye.” She sounded hesitant, like she didn’t want to end the call. He didn’t really either, but there was nothing else to say. He just had to decide if he wanted to visit her. Doing that seemed like a commitment, like he was agreeing to something . . . more. He wasn’t sure he wanted that. He wanted her, but that wasn’t the same thing.

  “Bye.” He hung up and went downstairs for a snack, because his head had been completely pulled out of the book.

  Oddly enough, he ran into Sean in the kitchen. “Hey, what brings you here?” Evan asked, though he quickly guessed as he took in Sean’s brightly colored cycling outfit.

  Sean finished filling his water bottle from the front of the fridge. “Just getting a refill before I head home. Rob and I took an evening ride around the property.”

  Dad was an avid cyclist, and he was thrilled that his son-in-law’s passion for cycling nearly matched his own.

  “I’m glad I ran into you like this—just us guys,” Sean said, turning from the fridge. “Tori said you might want to come to LA with me. To see Alaina.”

  Evan wanted to be irritated with Tori for telling Sean, but he knew she was just trying to be helpful. He couldn’t fault her for that. “I was thinking about it.”

  Sean rested his hand on the island. “I know we don’t know each other all that well, but I’m here if you want to talk. Especially about Alaina, since I know her so well. I’d like to be here for you—I know how close you are to my wife.”

  His wife. Sometimes it was hard to think of Tori as married when she’d only ever been Evan’s sister, his protector. “Thanks. I appreciate that. I’m not a great talker.”

  Sean chuckled. “I know, but we guys often aren’t. I’m a special case, since I’m English.”

  Evan arched a brow at him. “More chatty?”

  “My mother’s influence, I’m afraid.” He took a hit off his water bottle. “I’m leaving Sunday afternoon, if you want to come. Heading back Monday afternoon. It’s a short trip, so if things don’t go well, you can get the hell out of there. Or if they do, you can always stay.”

  The thought of flying filled Evan with dread. “Think I can get a first-class seat?”

  “Probably. That’s what Tori booked for me the other day. She insisted.” He glanced down before inching toward Evan. “Listen, I don’t want to butt my nose in where it doesn’t belong, but I hope things work out with you and Alaina. I’ve seen her date other guys, and she’s never been this comfortable, for lack of a better word. She’s usually on her guard. She keeps herself and her feelings close to the vest, if you know what I mean.”

  Evan knew exactly what he meant. It’s how he typically operated, too. “I’m different?”

  Sean nodded. “Seems like it to me. If there’s any chance you have feelings for her, I’d tell you to go after them. You might not find that again.”

  Evan hadn’t expected to find it ever. He still didn’t know if this was love, but he didn’t doubt that his chances of finding whatever it was again were pretty slim.

  He thought of Alaina’s offer to stay with her. Suddenly the idea of sleeping with her seemed possible. At least, he wanted to try. If he didn’t, he’d never know if he could. Evan was a lot of things, but scared wasn’t one of them. He was logical, and logically he didn’t want to miss an opportunity he might regret.

  Worst-case scenario he could evacuate to another room. His mind began to churn with possibility, with plans that involved tomorrow—or actually several days from now. A future that wasn’t what he anticipated. And that didn’t fill him with fear—it filled him with excitement.

  “Would you ask Tori to book me the seat next to you?”

  Sean grinned before clapping him on the shoulder. “You got it. And hey, if it ends up being a boys’ getaway, so be it. I’ve got your back—Alaina’s my friend, but we’re family.”

  Evan began to wonder if Alaina might be family, too, at least to him.

  Chapter Nineteen

  THE DOORBELL RANG, startling Alaina from her pacing. Evan had buzzed the intercom at the gate, and Alaina had spent the last several minutes waiting for him to come up the drive and park.

  She looked up at the video screen by the door out of habit and smiled at the image of Evan in his black leather jacket holding flowers. Her heart tripped over itself.

  She opened the doo
r. “Hi. You didn’t have trouble finding the house, did you?”

  He stepped inside. “No, but the crowd of paparazzi outside your gate made it easy.”

  Her reaction to his presence was almost visceral. The scent of his cologne, the baritone of his voice, the sight of his chiseled cheekbones and strong, sensual mouth set her pulse to thundering. “There’s a crowd?” she asked, a bit surprised she could still find her voice.

  “Like four or five. I guess that’s not really a crowd.” He shrugged, and she realized just how much she’d missed him. “To me, one is too many.”

  She wanted to hug him, to touch him at least, but didn’t want to overwhelm him. “Me, too.”

  He handed her the flowers. “I brought these for you.”

  She took them and sniffed the rose-like fragrance. “You remembered I love peonies.” Her heart skipped again. “They’re gorgeous. Let me put them in water.” She turned and headed toward the kitchen. When she didn’t hear him following, she looked back over her shoulder. “Aren’t you coming?”

  “Sure.” He seemed hesitant but came forward.

  In the kitchen she looked under the sink for a vase. She thought there might be one or two down there but honestly didn’t know for sure. Thankfully she was right. She pulled one out and filled it with water. “Thank you for the flowers. That was really thoughtful of you. How’s everything going with The Alex?”

  “Good. The mural at the hotel is coming along nicely. I helped Chloe paint some of it yesterday.”

  She hadn’t realized he could paint, too, but wasn’t surprised. He was incredibly artistic. “Really? I can’t wait to see it.”

  “Does that mean you’ll come back to Ribbon Ridge?”

  “I’d like to. I really loved it there.”

  He nodded. “I’m glad to hear that. I wasn’t sure. You seemed pretty upset, and then you were gone.”

  “I was upset. You said some things that made this—us—seem impossible. You pretty much said you couldn’t see a future with me.” And then there was the whole kid thing . . . But she didn’t say that. One thing at a time. If he couldn’t handle her, there was no point discussing anyone else.