You Were Mine

by Abbi Glines

  I didn’t know there were tears running down my face until she reached over to wipe them away and pulled me into her arms.

  “I had no idea that’s what you thought. You were so young and scared. I should have explained things to you better.”

  I held on to her arms as I finally broke down and grieved for the baby I never got to hold. The guilt and shame I’d felt for so long slowly released me, and I cried harder. So many times, I had wished I’d never let them give me the shot that I thought was meant to put me to sleep for the abortion procedure. I had been lying there on that table, thinking about ways I could have the baby. Ways I could make it work. I would beg Aunt Darla. I was going to tell the nurse that I didn’t want to do it as soon as she got back. But I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

  When I’d finally woken up, I was at Aunt Darla’s with a thick pad on, and she’d let me know the baby was gone. There was a hollow place inside me from that moment on.

  “I didn’t kill my baby,” I finally said, needing to hear it out loud.

  Aunt Darla held me tighter. “Of course not. That’s not something you could have handled. I’m not sure I could have lived with myself, either. I just wish I’d known that was what you thought happened.”

  A weight was lifted. A weight I’d been carrying for eight long years. That one decision I’d thought I made had led to a series of events that destroyed not only me but others around me. The guilt of Jace would never leave me, but I reminded myself daily that he loved me. Even though I was acting insane, he still loved me. He chose for me to live, and I owed that to him. I couldn’t let his death be for nothing.

  “I want you to go home and rest today. Let this sink in, and spend some time alone. I don’t think you’re ready to face people just yet. But this doesn’t change what I said about Tripp. He left you once, and I watched you crumble. Don’t trust him with your heart again.”

  I nodded. She didn’t have to warn me about that. Tripp was moving on. But I had to bite my tongue to keep from defending him. He had been a kid then, too. We’d both been reckless. If he hadn’t left, his parents would have shipped him off to Yale. I would have miscarried the baby regardless. It wasn’t meant to be. Nothing could have stopped that.

  I had nothing to blame Tripp for. The wall I’d built to keep out all the memories that came with him finally crumbled and left me completely raw.

  Tripp

  Woods had texted me last night to meet him at the course at eight this morning to play a round. I hadn’t played golf in years until I moved back to Rosemary Beach. Other than surfing, there wasn’t much else to do here. I sucked at it, especially compared to Woods. He played daily.

  The truth was, I needed to talk to someone, and this was a good opportunity. When we got together off the course, Della was normally around, and so were other people.

  Bethy’s face as she looked at me the other night at dinner was stuck in my head, and I couldn’t get over it. Either it was wishful thinking, or she looked genuinely upset about London.

  Woods was waiting at the clubhouse when I walked up. He didn’t have a caddy with him. He never did. He said he didn’t need another man to carry his shit and tell him what club to use. I had to agree with him.

  He was alone, and although I had expected to see Rush or possibly Grant or Thad with him, I was relieved they weren’t there.

  “It’s just us. Rush was coming, but apparently, Blaire isn’t feeling well this morning,” he said, tugging the strap of his bag up his arm. “Ready?”

  “Lead the way,” I said, waving him on.

  “Heads-up. Bethy is working this morning. I saw her loading the drink cart when I arrived,” Woods said as he stopped at the first hole.

  She was here. OK, good. That was good. I could get my water from her. No big deal.

  “You and London seeing each other again, huh? Wasn’t expecting that,” Woods said as he pulled out the driver he needed.

  I set my bag down and glanced around to make sure there were no drink carts in the vicinity. This was not a conversation I wanted Bethy to overhear. “We ran into each other here last week. Been out a few times since. I needed to see if I could move on, but I’m not sure I can. It isn’t working. I think I’m OK, and then I see Bethy and realize I’m still completely fucked.”

  Woods nodded, then focused on his ball before taking a swing. It landed and rolled close to the green. Not surprising. “Didn’t look like Bethy was real thrilled about you having a date, either. I was worried she was going to dump food on someone, she was so distracted by you.”

  “That’s the thing that fucks me up. At the wedding, we made progress. Real good progress, but she put a stop to it out of the blue. Told me there was no chance, even after I told her I loved her.” I lowered my voice for the last part.

  Woods’s eyebrows shot up. “You told her you loved her?”

  “Yeah. I did. I do. I always have.”

  Woods let out a whistle and shook his head. “Damn, dude. I wasn’t going to lie, I had planned on trying to get you to give Bethy one more chance. You seemed so happy the night of my wedding when you came to say good night. Then, watching Bethy ogle you the other night, I figured someone needed to give in. But I didn’t know you pulled out the big guns and she shot you down.”

  That wasn’t helping. I jerked a driver out of my bag and walked over to the tee. I didn’t have a reply for that. I focused all my energy on beating the hell out of the ball. Unfortunately, that sent it flying over to the nearest trees.

  “The hole is that way. Where the flag is,” Woods said with a chuckle.

  I stalked past him and shoved my club back into the bag. We headed to the trees, since my ball was closer to us. Focusing on this game wasn’t going to be possible if I was thinking about the finality of things with Bethy.

  “Can I ask you something?” Woods broke into my thoughts.

  “Sure, but doesn’t mean I’ll answer.”

  “When you think about your future, kids, wife, house, et cetera, who is it you see beside you?”

  That was easy. “Bethy. Always has been. Since that summer.”

  Woods stopped when we neared my ball. Luckily, it wasn’t blocked by any trees just yet. It was right there on the edge. I could still salvage this shot. “Things worth having don’t come easy,” Woods said. “You have to fight for it until you’re tired of fighting, and then you take a breather and fight some more.” He squeezed my shoulder. “Don’t give up. You’ll regret it.”

  I hadn’t known how to reply to Woods’s advice, but it wouldn’t stop replaying in my head. He only beat me by twelve strokes on the front nine, and we were headed into the back nine when the drink cart came over the hill. Woods noticed it, too, and glanced back at me. He didn’t say anything, but I could see him silently reminding me of what he had said.

  Bethy slowed down and parked the cart. She glanced at me nervously as she stepped down and walked our way.

  “’Morning, Bethy. Heard you felt bad yesterday and Darla sent you home. Hope you’re better today,” Woods said as she approached.

  Bethy’s eyes shifted to me again, then quickly back to Woods. “I’m better today. Thanks,” she replied. “Can I get y’all a drink?” Her focus was on Woods.

  “Yeah, I’ll take a Gatorade. Blue, if you have it,” he replied.

  Bethy looked over at me. I wanted to hold her attention, but I didn’t want to make her any more nervous than she obviously already was. “Water is fine,” I replied.

  She nodded and headed back to the cart. I followed her, not glancing back at Woods to see his expression. I wanted to ask what was wrong yesterday, but I didn’t want to do that in front of Woods.

  She opened the back cooler, then jumped when she saw I had followed her. “Oh,” she gasped, and her cheeks turned pink. “I didn’t hear you behind me.”

  I closed the space between us until we were almost touching. “What was wrong yesterday? Are you well enough to be working today?” This was why I’d followed her for
so long. No one checked up on her and made sure she was OK. Did anyone fucking take care of her yesterday? Or was she just home sick by herself?

  “I’m fine,” she said, then paused and chewed on her bottom lip like she wanted to say more. “I, uh, wasn’t really sick. I just found out something that sent my emotions into a bit of a spin. I needed some alone time to think.”

  “What did you find out?” I asked, knowing I was probably stepping over the line she’d drawn.

  She glanced over my shoulder at Woods, then looked up at me. “This isn’t the place to talk about it.”

  Well, shit. So she would tell me if we weren’t at her place of business? I was half tempted to ask Woods to dismiss her for the day so I could find out what was going on, but she’d be upset. I had pushed her away once already.

  “Here.” She handed me the water and stepped around me to give Woods his Gatorade.

  I watched her walk off. I would be lying if I didn’t admit to watching her ass like a starving man. She filled out those shorts really, really well.

  “Got nine holes left for me to smoke you,” Woods called out when I didn’t make a move to return.

  Bethy turned around and headed back to the cart. She did good things for the shirt she was wearing, too. Shit. I was getting nowhere with getting over her.

  “I have some guys on seven and three I need to serve,” she said, climbing up into the cart.

  “You’re OK today, then?” I needed some kind of reassurance that she wasn’t about to jump off a cliff. She had too much already haunting her; she didn’t need something new fucking her up.

  She smiled, and it was a real smile. Not one of those forced ones I had seen enough of lately. “I’m good. I’m actually better than I’ve been in a very long time.” And then she drove off.

  She was better than she’d been in a long time. And I was living in my own personal hell. The one where I got to watch Bethy move on with life without me in it. What would I do when she started dating again? If she got into a serious relationship? This was bad enough.

  Bethy

  I was as prepared as I could be for this. Della had made sure I knew Tripp was bringing London to the barbecue and that they had been seeing each other. That was fine. I was going to be fine. I could deal with this. Aunt Darla was right—he would have left me again for someone like London eventually. He told me he loved me and within three months was dating someone else. If he’d been sleeping around, having one-night stands, I would have handled it better. But seeing the same girl, the one he was in a relationship with in high school, proved Aunt Darla’s point. He wasn’t in love with me. If he was, he wouldn’t be moving on so fast.

  I locked the door to my car and stuck my keys into my purse before heading for the Kerringtons’ house. I could smell the barbecue in the breeze. This evening would be fun. My friends were here. And I was a new person.

  Della opened the door almost immediately after I rang the bell. She was glowing and more beautiful than normal. When she hugged me, I was a little surprised, but I returned her embrace.

  “He’s here. Outside with the guys. She’s glued to his side. Come into the kitchen with us girls,” she whispered in my ear.

  I felt bad that my friends thought they had to protect me from Tripp and his date. I had been handled as fragile for too long now. No more. I didn’t need their worry or pity. “I’m good. Heck, I’ll go have drinks with them outside to prove my point,” I said good-naturedly.

  Della studied my face a moment and apparently believed me, because she seemed relieved. “Good. Blaire’s mixing margaritas. Let’s go gossip. Give me your purse, and I’ll stick it in the hall closet,” she said, holding out her hand.

  I gave her my purse and let her put it away while I made my way to the kitchen. Blaire was standing with an apron on over her shorts and blouse, with limes in her hands, which she was squeezing into the blender. Her eyes met mine as I walked into the room, and she grinned. “Good to see your face,” she said.

  “Ditto,” I replied, and took the seat across from her at the bar.

  “Harlow just went to get Lila Kate from her stingy daddy. I’m trying to hurry up so I can hold her.”

  I rarely got to hold Lila Kate. I smirked at Blaire. “Take your time. I can hold her until you’re done.”

  “OK, I got her!” Harlow announced as she walked into the kitchen. “If you want to hold her, you’d better act fast. I’m not sure how long Grant will stay outside before coming in here to hover.”

  I jumped up and went to take her from Harlow. “Me first,” I said as Harlow handed her to me.

  “She’s not a fan of lying back. She thinks you’re trying to make her go to sleep, so she fusses. She likes to see things.”

  Even at six months old, she was still tiny. Her eyes were huge and looked so much like her mother’s. But she had her daddy’s eyelashes and dimple. “Look at how big you are,” I said, sitting down with her in my lap. She reached for my hair and grabbed a handful, but she didn’t tug on it. She just wanted to feel it.

  Her eyes studied my face, and I realized there was no dark twist in my gut. Nothing heavy weighing on me. As much as I loved Nate and Lila Kate, every time I had held them or even been around them before, I’d felt a heaviness on my heart. I’d never wanted to accept it, but I knew why it was there.

  But now I was free of that. I could watch her little expressions without sadness or guilt. She let go of my hair and patted my neck. Grant’s laughter carried through the windows, and she started straining to see over my shoulder.

  “You hear your—”

  “Don’t say the D word. She’ll realize he’s not around and start fussing,” Harlow warned from her spot at the bar.

  That was too cute.

  “Enjoy it. I’m almost done, and then she’s mine. I have a rambunctious toddler who would rather fist-bump me than hug me, so I need to hold something small and sweet,” Blaire said before she turned on the blender.

  Lila Kate jumped at the noise and swung her little head around to see what was going on. Her hand squeezed my arm, and she laid her head over my chest. I wanted this. I could admit that now. I wanted a baby. I wanted to be a mom one day. The fact that I could even think about it without having guilt eat me alive was so freeing I almost burst into tears right there in the kitchen.

  I ducked my head and blinked away the tears quickly. Maybe one day, I would explain the past to my friends, but I wasn’t ready yet. I hadn’t even told Tripp. I had almost expected him to call me and ask me about it after I’d talked to him at the golf course. But he’d either forgotten or gotten too busy.

  The blender stopped, and luckily, my eyes dried up. I kissed Lila Kate’s face and inhaled her baby smell right before Blaire came over with her hands out and a big goofy grin on her face, saying, “My turn.”

  I handed her over just as Grant’s laughter came through the window again. This time, Lila Kate started trying to twist around to find him. Her lips stuck out, and she scrunched her nose like she was about to cry.

  “Oh, no you don’t. We don’t need him. Come on, let’s go explore,” Blaire told her as she walked off with Lila Kate in her arms.

  Harlow filled two margarita glasses and brought me one. “You want one, Della?” she asked.

  Della was washing fruit and putting it into a large bowl. “No, I’m good right now. Thanks,” she said.

  Harlow bit back a grin and sat down beside me. “You look good,” she said.

  “Thank you,” I replied before taking a sip.

  “No, I mean your eyes. You look . . . well, the empty look is gone.”

  I set my glass down and decided to be as honest as I could without telling them anything. “I’m healing. Learning to let go and live again.”

  Harlow smiled. “I am so glad to hear you say that.”

  “Me, too,” Della said, then popped a grape into her mouth. “I’d fix you up, but apparently, I’m bad at that, so I’m not going to try it again.”

  I kne
w she was referring to Charity, but that only reminded me that Tripp was outside with London.

  “He seems to have found his own date. And he’s worse at it than you are,” Harlow said with a frown.

  “I know, right? I was thinking the same thing,” Della replied.

  Grant filled the doorway, and his eyes went straight to Harlow. “She OK? Where is she?” he asked, scanning the room like she would be up and walking around on her own.

  “Blaire has her. She’s fine,” Harlow said with a laugh. “Go back outside.”

  Grant walked over and pressed a kiss to Harlow’s head. “You good in here?”

  Harlow grinned up at him. “I’m with my friends drinking a margarita. What do you think?” she teased.

  “Good point,” he said, then pressed a kiss to her lips this time.

  “Oh, for God’s sake, get a room! You’re the worst one of the bunch,” Della said, laughing.

  Grant flashed a smug smirk.

  “Uh-oh, I didn’t know you were in here,” Blaire said as she walked back in.

  Lila Kate got one look at Grant and started reaching and fussing to make sure everyone knew who it was she wanted.

  “There’s my girl,” Grant cooed, and went to take her from Blaire.