Life is Short But Wide

by J. California Cooper

  This was a long time ago, so Myine was only going on seven or eight years old. She was reading well, and could write. She loved words and pictures. Tante's old books were almost worn out, though still well cared for. Aunt Tante sent new books, including large art and sculpture books. Even school books for teaching calculus, and Latin.

  Aunt Tante wanted Myine to go to college. “I'll pay for it!” she wrote. She lived in Europe now, but asked for pictures of her sister and niece all the time.

  She sent many things, beautiful fabrics, buttons that had struck her fancy. Ribbons, hair clasps, scarves, everything that a big girl and a little girl might want from Paris. But she did not come home … herself.

  Leroy and Tonya were growing closer. Well, all they had to do was make love and laugh together. Rose cooked his food, washed and cleaned his clothes. She took care of him when he was not well, and worried mightily when she would see him looking sick. Or even too tired. All Tonya had to do was concentrate on moving her hips, and she loved doing that.

  Leroy made love at home when he grew ashamed of neglecting his wife, and Rose looked at him with confusion and hurt on her face. In those intimate moments with Rose, Leroy felt his love for his wife. He could not understand why he kept Tonya. He would promise himself he would let Tonya go, be faithful to his wife. Somehow in Tonya's company he forgot his family, and his promise.

  Rose knew something was wrong, but she was not used to the different ways a man can change. She would think, “I haven't changed, I still love him just like the day I married him.”

  Tonya had always been poor, every day of her life. Struggling to survive, one day, one week, sometimes even for one hour at a time. She had always wanted, dreamed of, the kind of life Rose had, just in general. Now, Tonya's dreams and desires became stronger. Satan was really working on her. In fact, he had plans for her; plans for everybody, including Rose, Leroy, and Myine. Satan thinks large.

  Tonya looked at the life Leroy lived, and wanted it for herself. “That house! Now he got a car, even if it is used. He got nice clothes, an he don't buy me none! He done even got bigger on his job at that hospital.”

  She counted, in her head, the money she thought he took home. “He give me a lil money, now an then. My cleanin jobs don't pay me much.” (She hadn't had time for school so she couldn't read except for a few words, nor write very well at all. She had hated school.)

  Tonya hated, and envied, Rose. Coveted her life. “Of cou'se she got it easy! Cause she got that house. And that's why her life so easy. She prac'ly rich!”

  It took over a year, but Tonya convinced Leroy that Rose was in their way to true happiness. She tried a few magic spells on him; she gave that up because magic didn't work fast enough.

  Then she began to withhold her loving from him; not too long, because she knew there were many yea-yeas out there who would love to catch him between their legs.

  She always gave in to him, at the right time. Gave in, in a dramatic loving way. They would hold tight to each other; she for one reason, he for another. She kept whispering into his ear, and into his dumb, blind heart. He listened, actually without intending to, until even Leroy did not know how the thing went so far. Some mojo must have worked. They were planning to get rid of Rose. Forever. He, half heartedly, but Tonya was persistent.

  Rose was naive, and her daughter was much like her. She did not tell Myine the truth, as she knew it, about life. The ugly things that lay beneath the surface of people. About the choices that came in so many ways, in so many things on earth. Nor the ugly things that lay beneath the surface of even very nice people.

  Myine was doing well in all her studies. She had always been around books. She was now mentally beyond all her mother's classes. As her Aunt Tante wanted, she was dreaming of college. She was dreaming of becoming a scientist; she wanted to study the ocean, the land, even the heavens. She loved all the mysterious life on earth.

  Her mother had taken her to see the ocean a few years ago. They went on a bus ride, supposedly to the Pacific Ocean, but arrived and sat by the Gulf of Mexico, really, all day. They were immensely pleased with the expanse and depth of magnificence. Then they ate a hot meal, boarded another bus, and went straight back home.

  Myine browsed through her two new books, thinking, “Just to see a piece of that huge, beautiful body of water that God created, and all the magnificent, unusual, wondrous life in it.” Of course, they also saw some of America. Juliet loved to hear about the trip, and see the pictures as often as possible. She borrowed them to show to Cloud, to dream about going one day.

  Rose mailed all Myine's letters to Tante. Myine kept the ones she received from Tante, and read them over and over again. They were fertilizer for her dreams. They were about college, and going one day to meet her aunt. And so Rose and Myine dreamed.

  Bertha, meanwhile, did not know what to do. She did not want to hurt her friend, Rose, by telling her about Tonya. She knew because even ailing Joseph knew from his friends. Juliet had told Bertha, “Mama, if you really are her friend, you have to tell her that Leroy is not doing her right. He got another woman, He ain't livin his married life right!”

  Rut Bertha would reply, “You ain't sposed to meddle in nobody's business, Juliet. They grown.” Juliet would not let her off the hook, “Mama, what is a friend for if they not sposed to tell you when somebody is lying to you? And hurting your life?”

  “Hush, girl! That's jes the way life is!”

  “I don't believe that, Mama. They sposed to have some Christians in this world, and that's sposed to mean something more than what you're saying. And a friend is sposed to help a friend.”

  “You don't know what you sayin, Juliet.”

  “Rut I know what I'm talkin bout, Mama.”

  And so it went, but Bertha did not tell her friend Rose. She didn't want to hurt her.

  No one told Rose.

  •

  Slowly, day by day, Rose became sicker. Didn't go to the doctor until a few weeks had passed. Leroy kept saying, “I work at the hospital, head of my own department, and it's lots of people have come down with the flu or a virus. The doctor say you just have to wait it out. Drink a lot of juices, and soups. Wait it out is all you can do, Rose.”

  Rose heard him calling her “Rose,” instead of “Baby,” as he used to. She missed him. She still loved him so much, and blamed herself for not being well enough to make him a better home.

  Then, one day, he told her, “I'm gonna get one of the ladies from the hospital to come over here and help us out with things, so you don't have to worry none.”

  In a very weak voice, Rose said, “I guess we could stand a little help cleaning the house. Rut that would only be once a week or so.”

  Leroy patted her shoulder as he planned his lie. “Let the help-lady do that, and fix your lunch so you don't have to eat no cold sandmich.”

  “Who is it, Leroy? Have I met her? How are you going to pay her now that I'm not making any money to help the house?”

  “Rose, I don't want you to worry none. Jes let me take care it … for a little while, til ya get well. It's gonna be that little ole lady what goes to the church. Mz. Willis. She need a little help. She ain't gonna do much; just keep the house from gettin too messy is all.

  “I'm gonna send you food from the hospital so don't nobody have to worry bout no cookin. That way I know ya gonna get the very best food to get well. Cause ya know hospital food got to be good to make everybody well. Myine will pro'bly eat with Bertha cause she over there all the time now. I told her not to be round ya too much, til we know what virus ya got.”

  Rose raised her head, weakly. “But my students, I've got to get back to work.”

  Leroy turned his head, dismissively. “I told all them kids to tell their mama that you was sick, and school was out … until you get well.”

  Rose dropped her head back down on the pillow, and tears filled her eyes. “Ohhhhh, my kids. My kids, who depend on me, will suffer.” After Leroy left, she cried into her pil
low. “Oh, God, I feel like I'm dying. I don't want to die. I want to live to help my baby grow up. Oh, God, I don't want to die. Help me get well, please.” And so her prayers went. Leroy began to sleep in another room. She cried throughout the nights.

  Bertha knew Leroy hadn't really cared for Rose, lately. He didn't know what Bertha or Joseph knew about him and Tonya. But Bertha offered to bring her own good food to Rose, her friend. “I know jes what she like, Leroy. Shoot, I'll be glad to do something, anything, for Rose. Ain't no sense in paying nobody to do what I want to do, be my joy to do.”

  “Well, thank ya, Bertha, but we better leave things like we got em, cause nobody don't know how long Rose gonna be sick. I'll be gettin somebody to come in already, if I need em. They say, what she got last a long time. But I sure do thank ya, and Rose thank ya, too.”

  Bertha started to speak. “Won't matter how long …”

  “I say ‘thank ya’ Mz. Bertha, but we gonna be jes fine! And I hope Mr. Joseph is feeling much better. I been seein em at the hospital sometime when he come in to see his doctor.”

  Bertha stood at their front door, and it was open and shut before she could plead her case.

  Rose was upstairs, a little thrilled because her husband was really taking care of her. “Oh, God, I thank You for my good husband. I know I'm going to be alright as soon as I find out what is wrong with me.”

  No one told Rose anything about her sickness; and no doctor came to visit.

  Then Leroy told Rose he had a cousin. “She need a job. I was helpin her get one, but I was wonderin if maybe ya could let her help ya, til the one I get for her come through? She a good worker. Her name is Tonya. Ain't that a crazy name for a' old woman? But, she a good worker! We need a little cleanin up round here. I try to do it, but I got a full-time job.”

  Rose was continually getting weaker. She said, “Leroy, you are so good to me. God bless you, my husband. But we could ask Bertha. She can use the money, and I know her ways. I haven't seen her lately. I miss her. I want to see her any …” Rose started choking on something that had come up in her throat, and couldn't talk anymore.

  “Rose, Joseph ain't doin so good; he ailin. She got her hands full. So I'll tell my cousin to come on, an get started. She be in here today to fix your lunch so ya don't have to eat no cold sandmich.”

  Rose put the rag she had coughed into down and reached out, expectantly, for her husband to hold her a little bit, and kiss her check. “What I would really like is you staying at home these nights and make me a married woman again.” She smiled pitifully up at him.

  He stepped back from her, patted her hand, saying, “Rose, I'm workin at the hospital; don't want to give ya nothin I pick up out from there. Jes hold on, we gonna be together real soon. I cain't wait myself. Been a long time. Now ya just need to concentrate ya mind on that! Cause I'm gonna be here, waitin.”

  A tiny shiver of a thrill went through Leroy's heart; he had loved her, he remembered their first love. “I'll stay home tonight, baby. I didn't think you missed … my lovin. But, Rose, ya too weak for me to fool around with ya. It takes all my stren't to stay away from ya, but I got to do it cause I want ya to be well again.”

  She fell back into her pillows. “I miss everything about you; me and Myine miss you.”

  Leroy looked at Rose, hard, for a few moments. Then he said, softly, “Ya know, once ya had you a baby … ya forgot all about me.”

  Rose's voice was weaker from her exertion. “I didn't forget about you; Myine added to us; all three of us were one together. I still sleep with you every night you come home.” Her eyes widened. “Where are you when you don't come home, Leroy? Juke joints don't stay open all night. Where do you go? Who are you with?”

  “Rose, I stay out cause I don't blive ya miss me. An we jes be sittin round talkin bout shit … nothin. Okay, I'm gonna stay home tonight.” He turned to leave the room, then said, “Don't forget ya said ya'ed let my cousin work here, part-time, for us … you. We got money in the bank. I'm gonna be home more, watchin to see if she works good. That way I c'n get to see bout my daughter, too.”

  And so it came to pass that Tonya came to cook, and care for Rose every day. Leroy even paid her. Said, “Don't ya do nothin to my daughter. Nothin! Don't ya make no mistakes.”

  Tonya began to hate Myine then.

  (She didn't want that man to love his own daughter!)

  Tonya was thrilled to be in that house. She looked around every room with delight. Hardly able to keep from shouting the words out loud, “This gonna be mine! Mine! One day soon now.” Her own daughters stayed at her old shack; she left them alone many nights.

  She often stayed with Leroy, sleeping downstairs behind the kitchen on the porch. Far enough from Myine's and Rose's rooms not to be heard. They made love stealthily. And the loving was good! It got better, because it was stolen, and she thought they were making a fool of Rose.

  By this time Rose had much poison in her system; Tonya was doing it slowly. They did not want the doctor to be suspicious. Leroy had called the doctor, at last, because too many people knew Rose was sick.

  Remember, in those times small police departments did not think of poison. They were used to guns, knives, fights, and beatings. Usually no one suspected poison among Blacks; and there were so many strange diseases everywhere. With all the drugs Leroy brought from the hospital, Rose was almost already dead as she slept.

  She heard nothing, not even the loud moans that Tonya made, on purpose, on the nights she slept there with Leroy. Leroy tried to keep his hand over her mouth, but sometimes he lost his concentration on his hand, replaced by his concentration on the business in his hand.

  In the next few weeks Rose tried to eat the nice-looking lunches Tonya prepared: chicken and dumplings; meat loaf; lima beans with pork neck-bones. Things not really good for the ailing; things easily mixed with poison. As little as Rose was able to eat, Tonya spoon-fed her; she ingested more than enough of the poison.

  Rose grew weaker and weaker. She often vomited up her meals, slimy glucose, green and yellow, streaked with blood. She cried often, from bewilderment, and frustration, and the lack of her husband and love. Finally Tonya had to move to the house full-time, stay every night, to take care of her.

  Bertha had tried again, and again, to see Rose. She cringed, and ached inside her heart when Tonya moved in her friend Rose's house. She knew what was going on in there. Juliet had given her mother a dirty, accusing look when Tonya had moved in, and Bertha did not do anything to stop it from happening.

  Bertha's second mistake was to try to hide some truths from Myine that would be very important to Myine's life.

  Being older, Juliet was able to take care of herself much better. Bertha now had a steady job. After keeping Joseph supplied with his medicine each month, she was able, with credit, to buy a good wheelchair for Juliet.

  That wheelchair made the poor little family very happy. Especially Juliet! Juliet was in her early thirties, and could, at last, go outside on her own whenever she wanted. She loved to sit in the chair, in the wind, and listen to the sounds of trees, birds, and just life. Just life. Cloud visited and began to dream deeper dreams with her.

  Juliet was almost independent. And, too, Cloud visited regularly, almost every day. Myine was usually there, also, because Tonya would run her out of the house. “Stop all that cryin and fussin round yur Mama! Ya gonna worry her to death! Get on out. Go play or somethin! Ya got all this big ole yard! Get!”

  Myine, a young child, was confused, bewildered. She had never known such attitude and treatment in all her days on earth. “Who is this woman who can do anything she wants to do in this house?” Myine began to do something she had never done before: talk back to Tonya. She had the feeling Tonya would not hit her.

  Rose tried to control some things. But her strength was gone; she sometimes blacked out, and one day turned into another day without her understanding how or when. She was helpless; her end was very near. She began to understand that, when she
was too weak to do anything about it. Leroy seldom came into her room. It was now her room. Alone.

  Juliet was nearly going crazy; she was frustrated and angry. “I can't knock that woman down, nor go up them stairs either. The doctor never comes so I can't tell him, and I don't even know his name to look him up. Oh God, Oh, God!”

  She wished for Herman to come by, but he was busy with problems that took up his whole mind, keeping him away. Juliet found out he had recently moved, and had been married. But she had no way to find him. He didn't come to her church anymore, and she seldom went to the church herself.

  She wanted to tell Rose, “Don't eat what that woman gives you no more!”

  Juliet asked her mother to try to find Herman, and Bertha tried, to no avail. Joseph was sick also. Well, he was old. He had worked very hard all his life, eating poor food, and getting little rest. He was dying, also. Bertha counted on Juliet to take care the house and Joseph. Bertha had to go to work because there was nothing or no one else to count on. “What will I do when my man is gone, God, and my friend is gone, too?”

  Then, one evening, Myine came downstairs bringing the tray with two soup bowls she and her mother had used. She had fed her mother, dripping most of the soup onto Rose's nightgown. She came into the kitchen as Tonya was cooking steaks for Leroy and herself. Leroy had his hand possessively on Tonya's behind.

  Her mind was shocked; this was her father! Then it became clear in Myine's mind, but she couldn't have explained how or what was clear. She just knew! She watched as her father leaned over to kiss a smiling Tonya, who was pressing her hip into Leroy's crotch.

  Myine set the tray on the table, hard. Her father turned at the sound, as he let Tonya's behind go. “Baby! Ya want some'a this steak?” Myine broke into tears, shook her head “no,” and ran from the kitchen.

  He started after her, but Tonya stopped him, saying, “I been thinkin, we betta get her to go stay some'eres else for a lil bit. Rose bout to die, and I don't need to go through all what's goin to be goin on in this house!”

  Leroy looked alarmed. “This is my chile. Where ya gonna send her off to?”