Sinful Longing

by Lauren Blakely

  That was the question, wasn’t it? Last night as she’d returned home, she’d held tight to the notion of embracing the fun parts of their arrangement. She’d believed she was seizing the day and biting off a whole, yummy corner of a delicious chocolate cake. But the morning had rolled around, and she’d wanted something else.

  Something she couldn’t even name.

  “I don’t know,” she said softly, holding out her empty hands. “I think I just wanted to surprise you, even though I don’t want to go kayaking, Colin.”

  He reached for her hand, threaded his fingers through hers, and squeezed lightly. His touch was like turning on a light switch in a basement. It flickered briefly then started to light up the dark. Her heart fluttered for a moment, then settled into a peaceful rhythm. “Maybe some days you’ll want to kayak and some days you won’t, and whatever you want is fine by me,” he said. It sounded like a metaphor, and somehow it left her a little sad, a little wistful.

  The waitress arrived and set down their food. He dug in. “This is some fucking badass steel-cut oatmeal right here,” he said, and she laughed as she bit into her toast.

  When they were done, he took her to her car and kissed her good-bye, a fierce, hot kiss that felt different from the night before. Perhaps because it ended at that—just a kiss.

  Maybe that was the answer to why she’d been compelled to get out of bed and drive to Black Canyon at dawn. This trip had never been about kayaking. Perhaps she’d come to see if they could have this kind of moment—without contact, without lust, without ripping off clothes.

  She wasn’t sure why she’d needed to know this. She was well aware that this brief affair with Colin existed solely in the bedroom. But still, some part of her had been curious, and she’d needed to scratch that itch.

  She’d scratched it, right?

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Colin: That thing you want me to do to you…

  Elle: I’m all ears.

  Colin: Come over tonight.

  Colin: I mean, when can you come over? (See my attempt to be all polite rather than just demand your body, even though you want me to just demand your body)

  Colin: Let me rephrase. When can you come over so I can make you come countless times on my face?

  Elle: I’m sorry, what did you say? I was suffering from an intense bout of text message–induced lust.

  Colin: I have just the cure for that.

  Elle: You are the cure for all my lust.

  Colin: Excellent. Let’s keep it that way. So…tonight?

  Elle: I want to, but can’t. Busy with the boy. But my mom offered her services tomorrow night¸ so let me get back to you on a time. Actually, she offered her services anytime I want to get serviced by you!

  Colin: You better not get serviced by anyone but me.

  Elle: As if I need anyone else’s services.

  Colin: Also, that is an awesome offer. You should take her up on it.

  Elle: I know. I’m lucky that she wants me to have a booty call. Though, I don’t want you to think I’m only into your body. You have a nice brain, too. And you’re fun. :)

  Colin: Why thank you. I’m honored you’ve noticed more than my cock. So does that mean you’ll grace me with your presence for, say, Thai food after said booty call? You know, since that’s fun. :)

  Elle: As long as I can order the super-spicy, burn-your-tongue-off pad Thai.

  Colin: Like I’d order anything else.

  Elle: I can’t wait…for pad Thai and that thing I want.

  Colin: Hmm…Can’t remember now…what is that thing you want?

  Elle: What you said to me in the stairwell.

  Colin: I think I remember. You wanted a back rub, right?

  Elle: Yes. Absolutely.

  Colin: Or was it a foot massage?

  Elle: Please. I can’t wait for you to touch my toes.

  Colin: Or maybe, it was something else? Refresh my memory, please.

  Elle: Braid my hair. I want you to braid my hair.

  Colin: Ah, yes. I am going to braid it so good you sing my name to the heavens.

  Elle: You’re on.

  * * *

  The face was eerily familiar.

  Colin nearly stopped in his tracks as he rounded the corner on his way to the game room at the center. That guy. Walking toward him. Colin had noticed him shooting hoops a few times. He’d seen him in a math tutorial a couple of months ago.

  But he’d also seen him in a photo on Brent’s phone.

  His eyes widened as he studied the guy heading in his direction. That was the dude who’d been stalking his twin sister. Brent had taken a picture of him outside Shannon’s home one afternoon more than a month ago.

  What the hell?

  The hair on his neck stood on end. A primal instinct to protect his flesh and blood kicked in. He wanted answers. Wanted to know why the fuck a teen at the community center had been parked outside Shan’s house…more than once. The guy had dark eyes, dark hair, and ink covering his right arm. He wore jeans. His boots clunked on the linoleum floor.

  Colin hadn’t yet gotten Brent to resend the image so he could forward it to Elle. Now the guy was here, and Colin was going to cut out the middleman.

  “Hey,” he said to get his attention.

  The guy stopped short and peered around, like he was making sure who Colin was talking to. He pointed at himself and mouthed me?

  “Yeah. You,” Colin said, tilting his head. One part of him wanted to demand an answer. But the other part, the rational, logical, adult portion, told him not to jump to conclusions.

  Give him the benefit of the doubt.

  “What’s your name?”

  “Marcus,” the guy answered, shifting on the balls of his feet.

  Colin motioned him to the side of the hallway, next to the bulletin board layered with announcements for center activities. A poetry class. The free lunch schedule. Basketball leagues.

  Marcus joined him. Colin scrubbed a hand across his chin, then dived into business, meeting him square in the eyes. “This might sound weird. But I’m pretty sure you were hanging around outside my sister’s house a few times. Shannon Sloan. What’s up with that?”

  He answered immediately. “It’s not weird.” Marcus pulled up his right shirtsleeve. Colin flinched, but quickly relaxed when he saw the ink. It matched Rex’s arm. Protector. “I do safety patrols with the Protectors,” Marcus added. “If you saw me somewhere, that was probably why. We go to a lot of neighborhoods.”

  He blinked. “Really?”

  Marcus nodded. “Yup. We do. And I do.”

  A smile broke out across Colin’s face. Color him impressed. “Rex was telling me about the Protectors. Like the Guardian Angels.”

  “That’s where we got our inspiration from. Rex and I do patrols together sometimes. By the way, it’s nice to meet you officially.” He extended a hand. Something that looked like happiness flashed in Marcus’s eyes as they shook. Colin wasn’t sure what to make of it.

  “Sorry, I should have given you my name. Colin Sloan. I volunteer here. Good to meet you, too. Truth be told, I was worried you were part of the Royal Sinners. We thought you might be when I saw you outside Shan’s house. That you were targeting my sister for something.”

  Marcus held up both his hands, a sign he had nothing to hide. “No. God no. I want nothing to do with them. I was just checking things out. We’ve been scoping out a bunch of neighborhoods, even nicer ones. Just to make sure.”

  “Make sure of what?”

  “That the streets are safe. No matter what.” Marcus tapped his arm. “Always.”

  “That’s awesome. Keep it up, man,” he said. He couldn’t wait to tell Shannon and Brent that there was nothing to fear, and that this kid was doing a good thing for the community. Colin knocked fists with the young man. He started to walk down the hall, when Marcus called out to him.

  “Hey.”

  Colin turned around. Marcus swallowed then cleared his throat, as if he was about to
say something difficult. “I sat in on one of your math sessions a few months ago. When I first checked out the center.”

  “You did?”

  Marcus nodded several times and ran a hand over his chin, a gesture that Colin often did. Well, it wasn’t unique to him. Lots of people did that. Still, he felt as if he was looking in a mirror for a second, seeing a young man trying to do good. “Yeah. Learned some stuff about P and L statements. I’m going to college in the fall.”

  “Good. I’m glad. Let me know if you need any more help. Math is kind of my forte. I’d be happy to work with you if you need anything.”

  Marcus smiled briefly. “I will. Thanks. That means a lot to me,” he said, and his voice sounded like the very definition of the word hopeful. Odd, considering they were talking about math. For a moment, Marcus seemed as if he was about to say something more but he cut himself off. “I gotta run.”

  “Take it easy,” Colin said and turned the other way.

  He had an appointment with Rex to work on advanced algebra, thanks to the bet he’d won on the court the other day. As he headed to the homework room, his phone buzzed in his back pocket. His heart beat faster with the hope that it would be Elle, confirming a time for tomorrow evening. Then he nearly smacked himself for being so damn eager to see her.

  Take it easy. Play it cool.

  But hey, what man wouldn’t want to see the woman who willingly and beautifully embraced the kind of pleasure he and Elle shared? Memories of her flashed before him, but his hopes were dashed when his brother Michael’s name appeared on the screen with a text message.

  M: Detective wants to meet again tonight re: some new info. Ryan has some details. He’s going to call you a little later when he’s in a better cell zone. I’m going with you to see the detective.

  Colin heaved a sigh.

  It didn’t matter to Michael that the detective liked to meet with them alone to discuss the reopened investigation into their father’s murder eighteen years ago and his search for the suspected accomplices. Determined as ever, Michael would have his way. Colin suspected this was Michael’s means of making up for something that had never been his fault. After Colin’s drinking and pill problem came to light, Michael had blamed himself for the trouble that his brother had gotten into in high school, especially because of the company Colin had kept as a young teen.

  “You’re crazy. Those are my mistakes, and I’m taking responsibility for them,” Colin had said to him one night a few years ago, when his older brother told him how shitty he felt for not having known about his addictions. “I’ve accepted and moved beyond the fact that I made some bad choices and picked the wrong friends. Let’s just learn from the past and let it go,” he’d said, relying on the advice he’d leaned on in his recovery group.

  “Fine, but I’m here for you now. Anything and everything,” Michael had answered, like it was a new blood oath they were taking.

  Anything and everything apparently included meeting with the detective to discuss new wrinkles regarding drugs and murder. Michael was probably coming along as some sort of buffer between the past and the present, as if he could shield Colin somehow. Colin didn’t need that protection any longer, even when talking to the detective about the friends he’d had when younger. But Michael needed to be present more than Colin needed him, so he let his big brother be the big brother. That was part of Colin’s own letting go—accepting that the people he loved wanted to give of themselves in the ways that they could.

  He fired off a return text.

  C: Working with the kids now. Should be done in an hour or so and hope to catch Ryan then. Did he give you the details?

  As Colin walked into the game room, a reply arrived.

  M: The call kept breaking up. Something about that pattern. Sounds like it’s a hell of a lot more than a few names and addresses.

  The pattern again. That damn pattern Ryan had told him about. When he’d first learned whose names were in it, he couldn’t believe that he’d known both men many years ago. Now they somehow held clues to his father’s murder.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  A construction crew jackhammered outside her closed window, smashing the broken sections of the basketball court in preparation for smoothing them over with a fresh concrete surface. A pair of new security guards patrolled the block, courtesy of Colin. The sight of them brought a smile to her face—the man had moved quickly to make sure the center was safe during a time of transition.

  As Elle surveyed the signs of change, she chatted on the phone with some of the center’s biggest donors, making her round of calls to thank them for their contributions.

  She’d started sending letters and flowers earlier in the week, and was following up today with personal calls. She dialed another number and spoke briefly with a benefactor in San Francisco named Charlie, who’d attended the Beethoven event. “We couldn’t have done it without you. We’re already starting the work, and I’m thrilled to say it’s going well so far,” Elle said as she gazed out the window. “I’m watching them rebuilding the basketball court right now. And the boys spend a lot of time there, so your contribution is being put to good use immediately.”

  “It is a pleasure and an honor to help such a worthy cause.”

  “If you’re in Vegas again, I do hope you’ll stop by the center to see our work.”

  “I come to Vegas often. Once a week now, it seems, and I will take you up on it. And please, you can count on me to be a regular contributor. The center is a worthy cause, and it also allows me to right some wrongs from my past.”

  “It does?” she asked, curious as to what he meant.

  He sighed with a note of regret, but his voice seemed hopeful too as he answered her. “I made some mistakes when I was younger. I held onto a debt longer than I should have. This is my amends.”

  “I’m a big fan of making changes,” she said, smiling as they talked about redemption and all its possibilities. So refreshing to hear him speak openly about amends. Sam had never truly embraced that concept, though she’d desperately wished he had. Even during his rehab stints, he’d never tried to apologize for his past sins and omissions. His behavior sober was remarkably similar to his behavior when he’d been high—yet another reason why she’d never trusted his recovery. It had never stuck, and he never truly changed.

  Clearly.

  He’d died in her arms smashed on cocaine.

  Colin, on the other hand, seemed to live a recovering life. He gave of his time. He opened his heart. He’d learned from the past. The man she knew now was exactly the kind of man she could see herself falling for. Colin cared about kids, and he was kind, smart, passionate, and sexy as hell. For a brief moment, she imagined their relationship with no rules, no boundaries, no lines, and she could see Colin fitting seamlessly into her life.

  As more than her friend.

  She wondered, though, what he’d been like when he was addicted, and if she would even have recognized him. Not physically, but emotionally—was he the same guy she knew now? Or was he more like Sam? Or even Charlie, who also seemed determined to live a changed sort of life.

  After the call ended, someone rapped on her door, so she swept aside her musings about Colin and making amends. She rose and opened it, delighted to see Marcus on the other side. But her smile fell quickly—his face was white as snow.

  “I need to talk to you. Badly.” His voice shook.

  Worry coursed through her, a prickly flurry of nerves as she shut the door. “Of course, come in. What’s going on?”

  He sank onto her couch and dropped his head in his hand, running his fingers roughly through his hair. Her heart lurched toward him.

  “I need to talk. About some heavy shit. And you can’t tell anyone,” he said, raising his face.

  “Are you going to tell me something I’d need to tell someone else?” She looked him in the eye, making it clear that she’d keep his confidences if they didn’t cross certain lines. “Because if you tell me you’re going to hurt y
ourself or someone else, there’s no confidentiality.”

  “No. God, no,” he said with a brief laugh, but it was a joyless sound. “I just need this to be between us.”

  While she wasn’t technically Marcus’s social worker, she’d been trained as one. And as the center director, she strove to abide by proper guidelines. That meant she’d keep whatever they discussed between the two of them.

  “My family, who I’ve been trying to meet? My brothers? My sister?” he said, as if he needed to prompt her.

  “Yes.”

  He sighed deeply. “You know one of them.”

  She cocked her head, trying to figure out who on earth it could be. “I do?”

  He nodded and gulped. “You do. He’s a volunteer here, and I knew that when I first came to play hoops. He’s the reason I started coming around the center. To see what my family was like. To get a sense before I met them.”

  The world froze. Everything and everyone became a statue as she swayed, absorbing his news.

  “Colin Sloan is one of my brothers.”

  She clasped a hand to her mouth. Then it was her turn to sink down, as she fell into her chair and tried to rearrange her shock so she could lend her support.

  “My dad never wanted me to meet them,” Marcus said. “He always told me I was safer staying away from them. So I respected his wishes while I lived under his roof. I worry he’s going to be pissed when he finds out, but I don’t care. I have to do this. I need to go back and try again. Especially since I just talked to Colin in the hall.”

  “Does he know?” she asked, her voice papery.

  Marcus shook his head. “No. Not yet. But he seems like a good guy, and I want to do this right.” He talked more about his parents and the twisted tale of how his dad met his mom, and how his dad felt about her. When he was done, he took the biggest inhalation in the world, it seemed, and relaxed into the couch, spreading his arms across the back of it. “You’re the only person I’ve told about this. God, it feels good to finally say their names. To finally be able to talk to someone and share all the details.”