If You Leave

by Courtney Cole

  It’s what caused the secret that I’m afraid of. I’m afraid of anything that can decimate a person like Gabriel.

  I feel his lips moving against my hair.

  “Thanks, Maddy. Maybe someday.”

  But don’t count on it.

  He doesn’t say that, but I’m sure he’s thinking it. I would bet any amount of money that he’s never planning on talking about it, that he’s going to keep everything buried as far down as he can for as long as he can. I know that’s dangerous. You can’t do that with something so big. If you do, it will explode.

  And then what will happen? If it affects him as violently as it does right now, what will happen when it explodes?

  I close my eyes again. I can’t answer that question. It’s so important and so scary, but I don’t have it in me to think about it tonight.

  So instead I inhale him, enjoying his masculine smell. I know I’ll never forget his scent now; it smells like the outdoors, like musk and cedar. Like everything strong and good in the world. It’s delicious.

  But I can’t sleep. Even though I’m warm and safe with Gabriel, I’m restless and I know the reason why. Because I know that the second I fall asleep, he’s going to leave.

  “If you leave, I won’t be able to sleep,” I tell him. “So I think we’re just going to have to lie here together, both of us awake until morning.”

  He chuckles again, tightening his hold on me. “Somehow, Maddy, I feel like you won’t be a pleasant person to be around if you don’t get any sleep.”

  I start to protest, but then can’t even deny it.

  “Fine, you’re right,” I grumble. “I’m a bitch when I don’t sleep.”

  “Thought so,” Gabriel answers smugly. “But that’s OK. I like your bitchiness.”

  I jab him in the ribs and he laughs, while I snuggle back into the crook of his arm. I lie still for a minute, just savoring his nearness before I feel the need to share something.

  “You’re not the person I thought you were.”

  Gabriel startles, then his words are quiet. “And what kind of person am I?”

  My answer is immediate. “You’re someone who won’t hurt me.”

  I hope.

  Gabriel is silent for a moment, then he exhales a ragged breath. “I would never hurt you on purpose, Maddy. Did you think that I would?”

  I hesitate. “I, um. I thought you were a different kind of person. I thought you were a bully and I seriously hate bullies.”

  Gabe lets that sink in. “Pax told me a little bit about your father. Is that why you hate bullies so much?”

  I freeze, my hand unmoving on Gabriel’s chest. I can’t believe that Pax would tell someone. I’m not mad, just taken aback. It’s not something any of us talk about.

  I have a brief flash of my father’s fist hovering above my mother’s face, droplets of blood on her dress, and I force the taste of fear out of my mouth.

  Even the memory of fear tastes bad.

  “I guess,” I finally answer. “I loved my dad. But he had an anger problem.”

  Gabe’s question is hesitant, yet his words are strong. He sounds pissed, but like he’s reining it in. “Did he ever hit you?”

  My heart squeezes in my chest and I don’t want to answer. I don’t want to admit it out loud, but at the same time I don’t want to lie. Not to Gabe.

  “Only once. But once was enough.”

  It’s enough that I close my eyes and stilt my words and it’s very obvious that I don’t want to talk about it. Gabe takes the hint and holds me closer, his strong arms incredibly gentle.

  “It’s OK. You don’t have to tell me about it. I’m not like that, Maddy. I won’t ever hit you. That’s not me.”

  I relax now, letting my body soften against his.

  “I know,” I tell him honestly. “I’m not worried about that. I was more worried that you would be controlling like him, violent when you’re angry. I can’t take that kind of man. But that’s not you. I know that now.”

  He doesn’t ask why I would think that and I’m grateful. Because then I don’t have to explain that I search for my father’s traits in every man.

  I don’t have to explain how it makes me weak, how always being afraid of those traits gives me a vulnerability. A vulnerability that I don’t want.

  I close my eyes again, reveling in the comfort that Gabe brings me, surprised by it, actually. I never expected to find someone who affects me the way Gabriel does. It’s like an unexpected gift.

  Gabe seems tense though, his body stiff, and I figure it’s because I scared the shit out of him by talking about my feelings… by sharing some of my past with him. I gently shake him.

  “It’s all right,” I tell him softly, teasingly. “I’m done talking about deep stuff. I just wanted you to know that I misjudged you and that I’m sorry for it.”

  He relaxes, his hard body slumping against me. “You don’t need to apologize. Everyone judges people when they meet them. It’s normal.”

  It only takes me a couple of seconds to respond to that.

  “What did you think about me?”

  Gabe thinks about it for a minute. “I thought you were drop-dead fucking gorgeous and I couldn’t figure out why you wanted to go home with me. You didn’t seem like the kind of girl for a one-night stand. But I thanked God for my good fortune anyway.”

  I’m OK with that answer. It’s not deep, but it’s such a man answer. At least he’s honest.

  “I’m not the kind of girl for a one-night stand,” I admit. “That was your sister’s idea. She thought I needed to hook up and blow off some stress. But I met you instead. And that might’ve been a really good thing. I’m not trying to get serious or anything so don’t get worked up, but what are we doing here, Gabe? What is this? You and I have been playing cat and mouse since we first saw each other. But I’m tired of playing games.”

  He’s quiet for a second, then bends to press a kiss on the top of my head.

  “This is you and me, Madison. This is just you and me. We might be fucked up in some ways, but like Jacey says, we’re good people. We’ll figure it out. Everything will be fine.”

  I nod and count his breaths, then listen to his heartbeat for a while. I count the steady beats and while I do, I can’t help but ponder how everyone has issues. Some are more horrible than others, and so often, people just walk around with their painful secrets buried deep down inside because they are so ashamed of them.

  Just when I’m almost asleep, I ask one last question.

  “Is everyone in the world broken, Gabriel?” Even to my own ears, my whisper itself sounds broken in the velvety night. I can feel the weight of Gabriel’s gaze as he stares down at me in the dark.

  “I think so,” he finally answers. “In their own way.”

  He pulls me close, kissing me softly on the mouth, before I settle back into his side. Before long sleepiness does overtake me and I slip into the oblivion that only sleep can offer.

  When I wake up, the sunlight is streaming through my windows, and Gabriel is gone.

  Chapter Twelve

  I sit up and stretch, basking like a sated cat in the sunlight pouring across my bed. I’m warm and perfectly comfortable. Except for the fact that Gabriel isn’t here. But that’s no surprise. He told me he couldn’t stay.

  There’s shit you don’t know about me.

  That may be true, but I’m not going to worry about it right now. I’ve put that away because it doesn’t matter today. Gabriel is gone and last night was amazing.

  I stretch and throw the covers back, picking up Gabe’s pillow and holding it to my nose. It smells like man, musky and outdoorsy. Like him. I inhale it, then toss it back in place.

  As I move, I realize that I’m a little sore down there. But that’s not a surprise. I haven’t had sex in quite a while—and last night was… er… vigorous. My cheeks flush as I remember Gabriel bending me onto the table outside. I’d better remember to wipe that thing down before I use it next.


  I pad into the bathroom and brush my teeth as I wait for the shower to heat up. Staring at the water, I can’t help but remember Gabriel bending me over in the shower as well. I blush harder.

  Pretty soon I won’t be able to go anywhere in my house without blushing. If I’m lucky. I have to smile at that, picturing Gabe and me christening every room in the house. It’s an interesting thought and as I daydream about it, I dance around my bathroom singing “I Love Rock and Roll” at the top of my lungs.

  I can’t help it. I feel so happy today that dancing like a lunatic seems to be the logical thing to do, sore crotch or not. I feel lighter and happier than I’ve felt in a long time.

  He did that.

  Just as I’m spinning around by the shower door, I catch a glimpse of someone big and dark in the bathroom doorway. A shadow.

  I startle, then freeze as I realize who the shadow belongs to.

  Gabe leans casually against the doorjamb, his eyes glinting with amusement.

  “Good morning,” he says glibly. “I see someone’s in a good mood.”

  He’s here.

  My heart practically sings, but just as quickly almost dies from embarrassment when I realize that he just witnessed my personal little karaoke/dance party.

  My face explodes into a thousand shades of red and I turn so I can spit my toothpaste into the sink.

  “What are you doing here?” I stammer. “I thought you weren’t staying.”

  He grins again. “I wasn’t going to. Did you know you’re cute when you dance in the bathroom in your underwear? You can’t hold a tune, though.”

  I shake my head and grin back. I might as well laugh at myself, right?

  “Don’t worry. I won’t quit my day job, I’m just in a good mood.”

  Gabe stares at me wryly. “Well, you might not be in a good mood for long,” he tells me. “The road’s flooded. That’s why I’m still here. We can’t get out.”

  I stare at him blankly. “What? You’ve gotta be kidding. The last time that road flooded was years ago.”

  Gabe shrugs. “I don’t know about that, but it’s flooded today. It’s been raining for two weeks straight. It’s not that big of a shock. But it boils down to the fact that we’re not going anywhere.”

  We’re stuck here. Gabe and me.

  Together.

  As I think of the possibilities, I grin broadly.

  “There are worse things,” I announce, thinking about my daydream of christening every room. I smile impishly at him. “I can think of some things to do.”

  Gabe rolls his eyes. “Judging from that grin, I’m afraid to ask.”

  I’m about to respond when a distracting thought suddenly occurs to me that makes me panic.

  “Mila. I’ve got to call and see how she’s doing. I won’t be able to get to the hospital.”

  I rush to my cell phone and drop onto my bed as I call the hospital, my foot bouncing nervously as I wait.

  I had put her out of my mind last night when Gabe and I were… together. I had been so focused on my own pain, my own fear, that I lost myself in him.

  How could I have done that? What kind of person am I?

  After I’m transferred to Mila’s room, Pax answers the phone on the second ring.

  “How’s Mila?” I ask by way of greeting.

  “Good morning to you too,” Pax replies. “She’s fine. Calm down, Maddy. I can tell by your voice that you’re freaking out. Mila slept through the night, they gave her fluids and they’re releasing her today. She’s going straight home to bed. And if you see her up at any point, you have my permission to beat her.”

  “I don’t need your permission,” I grumble. “I knew her first. But I don’t know if you’ll be able to get home. My road is flooded. I don’t know about yours. I can’t even get out.”

  “Ours is fine,” Pax answers. “But I’m sorry that you’re stuck. Don’t sit there and stew about it. There’s nothing you can do about it anyway.”

  “I’ll try not to,” I promise, as I eye Gabe. He stands in front of me, his muscled torso at eye level. To be honest, it’s hard to think about anything but his exquisite body for the time being. It’s a little distracting. “Is Mila awake?”

  “Yeah, but the nurse is giving her a sponge bath. I’ll have her call you when we get home.”

  We hang up and I turn to Gabe. “I’ve just got to make a couple more calls and then we can figure out what we’re going to do. I wonder how long the road will be closed?”

  Gabe shrugs. “It’s hard to say. Do you have anything to eat?”

  “I have a year’s supply of frozen burritos,” I tell him. “And maybe some rice.”

  “So we won’t starve,” Gabe points out. “We’ll be fine. I’m going to go call Jacey while you make your calls. I’ll need to get Brand to stay with her while I’m stuck here.”

  He ducks out of the room and I call Tony. His part of town wasn’t flooded at all, so he’ll be able to get to the Hill.

  “And I saw on the news that it’s only on your side,” Tony tells me. “So the Hill will be fine. I’ll call you if we need anything, not that you’ll be able to do anything about it.”

  “Haha,” I grumble. He chuckles, then hangs up.

  I throw some clothes on, a T-shirt and shorts, and find Gabriel in the kitchen, looking through the fridge.

  “You weren’t kidding,” he says. “You practically do have a year’s supply of frozen burritos.”

  “I told you.” I shrug. “I already know the irony of owning a restaurant and not being able to cook. You don’t have to tell me.”

  “OK, I won’t,” he chuckles as he turns around. “I’m making some coffee. I figure you might need it. It took you forever to fall asleep last night.”

  I sniff at the freshly brewed coffee smell and glance at Gabe in appreciation.

  “If I didn’t love you before, I do now,” I tell him jokingly. If I didn’t know better, I’d think that his knuckles just turned white as he gripped his coffee cup harder. But that can’t be right. I was just joking. Surely he knows that. I snatch a coffee cup from the rack and pour myself a cup.

  “What should we do?” I ask dubiously. “We’re going to get awfully bored if we’re stuck here long.”

  Gabriel lifts an eyebrow. “Seriously? We’re in a nice house on the edge of Lake Michigan. We’ll find something to do.”

  I look around doubtfully. “You think this house is nice?” In my head I picture Pax and Mila’s palatial beach-side mansion. This place is a shack compared to theirs.

  “Of course,” Gabriel answers. “You don’t?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know. It was my parents’. I guess I haven’t given it much thought. When they died, Mila and I inherited it. Mila didn’t want it because she had a little apartment over her shop, so she let me have the house. I keep thinking that I need to renovate or something, to make it mine, but I haven’t gotten around to it.”

  “You’ll get there,” Gabriel tells me knowingly. “When you’re ready.”

  If that ever happens. It’s been four years.

  But I don’t want to think about that.

  “I want to go outside and look at the flooding,” I tell him as I push away from the table. “How close is it to the house?”

  “Not very, at least not right now. Have you ever seen it get close?” Gabe asks as we walk out the front door. I nod.

  “Once. Years ago. I think we still have those sandbags stacked in the basement.”

  I suck in my breath as I step out on the front porch and take in the scene in front of me. There’s water everywhere.

  Fast-moving water has completely covered my road, the kind you can’t drive through or it will carry your car away. The murky water is also lapping at the front edge of my lawn, watery fingers that are even now trying to grab at more ground, moving quickly toward absorbing everything between the road and my house.

  “Holy shit,” I breathe.

  “Where did you say those sandbags were?” Gabe look
s down at me. “We’re gonna need them. That water has moved at least three feet toward your yard since I looked at it fifteen minutes ago.”

  “The basement,” I tell him as I spin on my heel and dart toward the basement door. I jog down the steps and find everything just as my parents left it in my dad’s dark underground workshop. The sandbags line the very back wall, at least twenty rows of them.

  “There was a bad flood ten years ago or so,” I tell Gabe as I grab