The Midwife's Longed-For Baby

by Caroline Anderson

  He turned towards her, and she shifted her head so she could look into those sad, stormy eyes.

  ‘And I miss you,’ he went on softly. ‘All the time. I know I hurt you, and I know you hurt me, but I still miss you, and I never stopped loving you, which doesn’t mean I see us getting back together, but maybe we can find something else, forge a friendship—I don’t know. I don’t have the answers, Liv, I wish I did. I just know that what I have now isn’t working for me, either in terms of job satisfaction or personally, and I want more. I want something better. And one way or another, I want you in my life.’

  She held his eyes, her own filling. ‘I want you, too. I’ve missed you every single day. And even though it was horrible by the end, I still loved you. I’ll always love you. And I want something better, too, because there has to be something better than this.’

  He gave a quiet, heartfelt sigh. ‘That’s why I came back, but just because we love each other doesn’t mean it works, Liv, and we’ve hurt each other enough already. The last thing I want is to make it any worse.’

  She gave a soft huff of empty laughter. ‘I don’t think that’s possible,’ she said honestly, and he sucked in a breath, his fingers tightening on hers.

  ‘Don’t say that. I didn’t want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you.’

  Their eyes were locked, his sorrow and regret plain to see until in the end he sucked in a shuddering breath and looked away.

  ‘Oh, Nick. Come here,’ she said softly, and he shifted, putting his arms around her with such fierce tenderness it made her want to cry. She turned her face into his chest, breathing in the scent that was so unmistakably Nick, holding him close.

  ‘I miss you so much,’ she admitted. ‘My life’s so empty without you. All I have is my work, and I love it, but I’m still empty because you aren’t here.’

  His arms tightened a fraction, his chest shifting as he sucked in a deep breath, then let it out on a ragged sigh. ‘I’m empty, too, but I don’t want to go back to what we had.’

  ‘Then let’s not. Maybe we should try again, Nick. Not for a baby, but for us, to see if we can make each other happy like we used to. Because we did. We were very happy, once. Maybe we could be happy again, if we wanted it enough. Maybe we just didn’t try hard enough at that.’

  He lifted his head and searched her eyes, then his closed and he swallowed hard.

  ‘I don’t know. I don’t know if we can even remember how to be happy any more.’

  ‘But we should try. We owe ourselves that much.’

  She drew his head down, touching her lips to his, and with a quiet sigh he kissed her back, a gentle, lingering kiss, not platonic but not passionate, either.

  An apology, from both of them, for all that had gone before?

  Then he pulled back a little, staring down into her eyes. ‘I’m sorry I blew it,’ he said quietly. ‘I honestly never meant to hurt you. I thought leaving would make it easier for you, but it didn’t, did it? And I don’t want to risk hurting you again.’

  She sighed quietly, wishing she could see an easy way forward, dreading how she would feel if they couldn’t. ‘Life hurt us both, Nick, but only because we let it. We’re older now, wiser. Why don’t we just see where this takes us? You’re here for a while now. Maybe we just need to turn back the clock far enough, rediscover what it was about each other that we fell in love with. Maybe that’s all we’ve ever needed. And if we can’t have children, we have our jobs and they’re filled with babies, all the babies we could ever want. Maybe that should be enough for us. We need to find what it was we had, and then perhaps we’ll be able to make sense of it all.’

  ‘Maybe. But I’m not making any promises. Not yet. And I don’t want to rush into anything, either. As you said, I’m here for a while. Let’s just take our time.’

  He dropped another kiss on her lips before rolling away from her and standing up—to distance himself from a conversation that was becoming uncomfortably deep? Probably, because he changed the subject then, his voice firmer, deceptively casual.

  ‘By the way, did you know Daisy’s pregnant again?’

  ‘Yes. I’m really pleased for her. She had a miscarriage a few months back, and they were gutted. It’s really good news.’

  ‘Ben didn’t tell me that,’ he said quietly, his attempt at casual banished in an instant. ‘That’s really sad. Miscarriage is horrible.’

  ‘It’s obstetrics, Nick. It happens. Pregnancy is never a certainty until you’ve got a healthy baby in your arms, and that’s just the start of all the trouble. They have to grow up safely, and that can be a challenge. Their little boy Thomas fell out of a tree last year and broke his arm.’

  ‘I didn’t know that, either. I can’t believe he’s old enough to climb trees.’

  ‘No. You disappeared off the radar, Nick, not just for me but for everybody. It would be so good to have you back, even if it was just as a friend. I’ve really missed your friendship.’

  She reached out a hand and he took it, folding it in both of his, bowing his head to press a firm, lingering kiss on her knuckles.

  ‘Let me think about it, Liv. Don’t let’s rush this. The last thing I want to do is make any more mistakes.’

  She nodded, not wanting to give him time but knowing she had no choice if she was going to stand a chance to win him back. And she really, really wanted him back. She knew that now, with bone-deep certainty.

  But first, it was time for a change of scenery, a breath of air, a bit of emotional space for both of them.

  ‘I need to walk around for a bit or I’ll just seize up. And I’m starving. How about some lunch?’

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  SHE WANTED HIM BACK—and he wanted her. That had never changed.

  But to try again? He wasn’t sure if what he felt was trepidation or anticipation.

  Or both. But there were still things she didn’t know, things he wasn’t sure he wanted to tell her until he knew it was relevant, and the knowledge was eating a hole in him.

  He made them lunch, just a simple salad with the things he’d picked up in the local shops on the way back, while she sat in the garden munching almond thins and drinking her tepid coffee on the swing seat under the tree where they’d often sat together in the good old days.

  Not so much in the bad old days. She’d tended to retreat to it then, and he’d let her.

  A mistake? Probably, but he’d been struggling to stay afloat himself then, and it had all been about self-preservation. He picked up the plates and went out to her.

  ‘Can you manage this on your lap? It’s pretty much fork food.’

  ‘That’s fine—it looks lovely. Thank you.’

  ‘You’re welcome. How are you feeling now?’

  ‘OK. I feel a bit woozy if I bend over, but not bad. I can move around which has to be a good thing. I might go for a stroll later. I don’t want to seize up.’

  ‘Don’t overdo it.’

  She rolled her eyes and went back to her salad, and when she’d finished eating she went into the sitting room to watch the television while he cleared up the kitchen and dealt with his emails.

  Mostly spam and trivia, but there was one from Ben with the detailed job description attached, dangling the carrot under his nose again. He read it through carefully, more and more sure that he wanted it if Simon didn’t come back—so long as this thing with Liv didn’t blow up in both their faces.

  He’d do his best to avoid it, but his track record wasn’t great. Could they pull it off? He really, really wasn’t sure, but the best way to make it work was to take it slowly and give themselves time to adjust, to get used to each other again rather than jumping in the deep end. That way at least they could still be friends, and anything more would just be a bonus.

  * * *

  He stayed there that
night, justifying it to himself on the grounds of her head injury—which, considering how well she looked, could have seemed a bogus excuse, but he wasn’t prepared to risk it. At the very least she had concussion, and it wasn’t too late for a slow, encapsulated bleed to flare into a full-blown crisis, so he talked himself into it and slept in the spare room with the door ajar—just in case.

  He woke in the night and went to check on her, and found her fast asleep with her arms wrapped round a pillow.

  Better that than him, he thought morosely. A lot, lot safer. Safer still if he found himself a flat. He’d check online tomorrow, see what there was. He went back to bed, ridiculously jealous of the pillow, and finally fell asleep again, to be woken by the brush of her hair over his face and the touch of her lips on his cheek.

  ‘Rise and shine, sleepy-head. I’ve brought you a cup of tea. I thought you might want it before you go back to the hospital to see Judy Richards again.’

  Judy! He struggled up out of the bedclothes, stifling a yawn and the urge to pull her down into the bed with him and take advantage of his early-morning erection. ‘What’s the time?’

  ‘Eight thirty.’

  ‘Damn. No time for tea. Shoo.’ He grabbed the bedclothes, gave her a pointed look and waited until she was out of the room before throwing them off and getting out of bed.

  He definitely needed a place of his own.

  He showered in record time, went to the hospital and satisfied himself that Judy was all right and her baby was stable, then on the way out his phone rang.

  ‘Nick? It’s Sam. What are you up to?’

  ‘I’ve just seen a patient and I’m leaving the hospital now—why?’

  ‘Because I’ve been thinking, Ben said you were supposed to be staying with them until you could find a flat, but you didn’t sound overjoyed, and after talking to you and Liv yesterday it’s pretty obvious you feel awkward staying with her, so why don’t you come and live here while you do your locum? We’ve got a cabin in the garden that’s doing nothing and you’ll love it—it’s right by the sea wall. You probably know it, it used to be James and Connie’s house and I lived in the cabin when I first came up here, before I bought the house off them. It’s got everything you’d need—a shower room and a small kitchen, a decent bed, free wi-fi, and it would be great for you.’

  A place of his own? He felt a wash of relief, but held it down. For now. ‘I didn’t know you’d bought it—but then I don’t know anything about your life now, so that’s hardly a surprise, is it? And hadn’t you better ask Kate before you start offering me the cabin? She might hate me.’

  ‘Nah, of course she won’t. She’s itching to meet you, and anyway, it was her idea. Why don’t you come down now? I’ll make you a fancy coffee and Kate’ll feed you cake while I talk you into it. Five minutes?’

  ‘Sam, I haven’t even had breakfast yet!’

  ‘Perfect. Nor have I. You can have a bacon roll and cake.’

  He laughed and gave in, trying not to let himself get too excited by the idea of a place of his own. ‘OK, but I need to tell Liv I’m not going back yet. I’ll see you shortly.’

  * * *

  Sam was right.

  The cabin was exactly what he needed, bigger than the studio flat he’d lived in for the past two years and right by the sea, as he’d been told. It didn’t overlook the water, set down as it was behind the sea wall, but with the windows open he could hear it, and it was instantly soothing.

  After he’d been introduced to Kate and the delightfully smiley Isadora, they’d settled down in their big sitting room with the sea stretched out in front of them as far as the eye could see, and eaten fat, juicy bacon rolls followed by cake washed down with copious coffee, and then Sam took him up onto the sea wall.

  They strolled along to some railings and leant on them, listening to the soft suck of the sea on the shingle and watching the gulls wheeling over the water. ‘Look at that—how can you resist it?’ Sam asked with a grin, and Nick laughed.

  ‘I don’t even want to try. What sort of rent are we talking about?’ he asked, and Sam looked incredulous.

  ‘What? You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. Why the hell would I charge you money to stay here?’

  ‘Because I’ll be using electricity for heating and hot water, I’m invading your privacy—it’s not fair.’

  ‘It is fair. You can come sailing with me when I find a boat. Then I won’t have Kate on my case about going out alone.’

  He laughed and gave in. ‘Well—if you’re sure, and if Kate doesn’t mind—’

  ‘She doesn’t. She really likes you. She says it’ll be fun.’

  He smiled at Sam. ‘I really like her, too. You’re well suited. How long have you known her?’

  ‘Oh, not long. We met last January, but I didn’t see her again until I started work here in April. Liv said you left in March, so I must have just missed you.’

  ‘Yes, you must. So how does the maths work?’ he asked, his mind ticking. ‘Because Isadora’s—what, five months old?’

  Sam grinned. ‘Yeah. Well, let’s just say it was love at first sight and leave it at that. Whatever, we couldn’t be happier. So, when are you going to move in?’ he asked, changing the subject, and Nick shrugged.

  ‘I don’t know, but to be honest I need to get out of there, for all sorts of reasons and the sooner the better. I’m working all week and I’m probably on call next weekend, but I’m not doing anything today, and Liv seems fine now. I could go and empty my flat and come straight back here tonight. Is that OK, or is it too soon?’

  ‘No. Whenever. Makes no difference and if Liv’s worried she can always call me. I’ll give it a clean this morning, and you can have it as soon as you like. Do you need a hand with moving your stuff?’

  ‘No, I’ll be fine. I don’t have a lot, it’ll easily go in the car. And don’t worry about sheets and towels, I’ve got all that.’

  ‘Great. I’ll give you the key now and then it’s all yours.’

  * * *

  ‘How did you get on with Sam?’

  He smiled fleetingly. ‘Good. It was a bit weird going down to the harbour. I didn’t realise how much I’d missed the sound of the sea—it sort of felt like I’d come home.’

  There was something sad about the way he’d said that which tugged at her heartstrings. ‘It could be home again,’ she said, a little tentatively because she didn’t want to push it, but he just nodded.

  ‘Maybe. I hope so. The cabin’s lovely, by the way, and Sam said I can have it as soon as I like, so I thought I’d go and empty my flat and move in there today, if you’re feeling OK?’

  He was moving out today? She’d thought—or maybe not thought, just hoped—that he’d stay a little longer.

  ‘Yes—yes, of course, if it’s what you want, but is there really that much of a rush?’ she asked, curiously reluctant to let him go so soon. Or maybe at all? ‘Why not leave it till next weekend? And what about Judy Richards?’

  He was silent for a moment, then his eyes met hers fleetingly and flicked away again. ‘Ben’s going to keep an eye on her—he’s on call this weekend anyway, and Sam says you can call him if you’re worried or need anything. I’m working all week and I might be on call next weekend but I’ve got the opportunity today and I don’t know when I’ll get another one. And there’s no rush, but now you’re feeling better it might be wise for us not to be spending too much time alone together.’

  ‘Wise?’ Why wise?

  ‘Yes. Wise.’

  His eyes met hers again, and this time she saw the slow burn deep in the back of them, and heat flooded her body. She looked away hastily.

  ‘I want you, Liv,’ he said softly, ‘but we’re not ready for that yet. We need to take our time, be sure before we commit. And it’s not as if we don’t know how good it u
sed to be.’

  He was right, of course, but she felt a stupid surge of disappointment. ‘So how about lunch, then, before you go?’

  ‘Actually, I might just go now,’ he said. ‘We had bacon rolls and then Kate fed me a ton of cake so I really don’t need to eat. Which reminds me, will you have enough food or do you want me to shop for you before I go?’

  ‘No, it’s fine, there’s still some food in the fridge and I suspect the second your car’s off the drive Gwen’ll be round with a casserole or an apple pie to get the low-down anyway.’

  He gave a wry chuckle. ‘I don’t know how you tolerate it.’

  ‘Oh, they mean well, and I know it seems nosey but it’s quite harmless. They’re sweet, really, and they’ve been very kind to me.’

  ‘Which is more than can be said for the hedge. He’s tortured it into submission.’

  She laughed, and once again his eyes caught hers and she saw the heat flaring in them. This time it was him who looked away.

  ‘Are you sure you’ll be all right if I go?’

  ‘Nick, I’m fine. I’m better. I’m going back to work tomorrow.’

  He frowned. ‘Really? So soon? Are you sure?’

  ‘Yes, I’m sure. I haven’t even got a headache today. And I’ll be fine. Go, get your stuff, get settled in. It’s a good idea.’

  He held her eyes for a second, then nodded. ‘OK. Right, I’ll get my bag,’ he said. He ran upstairs, and she heard the slight creak of the boards as he went into the spare bedroom overhead, then moments later the stairs again as he came back down.

  ‘That was quick.’

  ‘I travel light. Don’t get up. I’ll let myself out.’

  ‘No. I want to give you a set of keys before you go.’

  She found them in the study—his study, in the top drawer of his desk—and handed them to him. It felt weirdly symbolic.

  ‘So you can come and go whenever you want,’ she said. ‘No strings.’

  He hefted them in his hand, met her eyes, his own unreadable again, and slipped them into his pocket.