The Midwife's Longed-For Baby

by Caroline Anderson

  Sure, it was a wonderful and joyous thing to do, but on a personal level it killed him a little bit more every single time—and watching Liv, he knew she felt it, too.

  There was a tap on the door behind him, and he took a deep breath, blinked away the tears he hadn’t even known were there and opened the door.

  ‘Hi, Ben. What’s up?’

  ‘Nothing, I just saw that Amy Zacharelli’s come in. I wondered if you knew.’

  ‘Yes, she’s had the baby, I was there,’ he said, and turned away, flicking through a file on his desk because he wasn’t sure his feelings weren’t written all over his face. ‘Straightforward easy delivery, mum and baby both doing well. I left them in Liv’s hands. She knows where I am.’

  ‘Good. Great.’

  There was a pause, and Nick frowned and turned back to look at Ben. ‘Was there something else?’

  ‘How are you and Liv?’

  He blinked. ‘What’s that got to do with the price of fish?’

  ‘That’s not a straight answer to a straight question.’

  He shut the file and forced himself to meet Ben’s eyes.

  ‘I didn’t think it was a straight question. I would say it was thoroughly loaded and probably none of your business.’

  Ben studied him thoughtfully for a moment, then nodded slowly. ‘OK, fair enough, but it’s kind of relevant. Off the record, Simon’s not coming back. Jen’s doing OK, but he says it’s going to be a long haul and whichever way it goes, they need to be near the family for support, so I’m going to have to advertise the post. I’m going to be blunt, I want you back but only if you and Liv are OK with it. You fit in well, you know your way around, you’re a team player, you have additional skills which we need—we don’t need to look any further, but I need to know that you’re going to stick around if we appoint you. Assuming we do appoint you, which I think is pretty much a given, but we have to abide by the rules and advertise.’

  His heart was thumping in his chest, because a part of him wanted this so much it was eating him alive. The other part was still wondering if he and Liv stood a prayer of making it work.

  ‘Of course you have to advertise it. And you don’t know what that’ll throw up. You might get someone extraordinary apply.’

  Ben shrugged. ‘We might, although I doubt very much we’d get anyone better than you, but the bottom line is I can’t even consider you for the post if you and Liv are going to find you can’t hack it, because that’s no good for either of you and it’s no good for the department. I need to know that you’re in it for the long haul.’

  He couldn’t give Ben an answer. Not yet, not without talking to Liv.

  ‘You said it’s off the record.’

  ‘You can talk to Liv. She’s the soul of discretion and anyway, her support is key. I realise that.’

  He nodded. ‘OK. Thanks for the heads up. I’ll let you know. When’s the closing date?’

  Ben laughed. ‘Realistically, until we get a suitable candidate, but probably a month at the outside? If you don’t apply, we’ll have to keep the advert open until we get someone. Talk to Liv, think it over. I don’t want to put you under pressure.’

  That made him laugh.

  ‘Yeah, right,’ he said drily, then shook his head slowly. ‘Leave it with me, Ben. I knew it was a possibility, but I hadn’t really let myself consider it, so this is a bit of a game-changer.’

  ‘No hurry. This needs to be the right decision.’

  He nodded again, but didn’t say any more because there wasn’t really anything to say. Not until he’d spoken to Liv, and he wouldn’t do that until they could talk about this properly, in private.

  * * *

  Leo, Amy and baby Rocco left the hospital at three, just at the end of Liv’s shift.

  To her surprise Nick came to say goodbye, and Leo put the baby carrier down and hugged them both.

  ‘Thank you so much. I’m so, so grateful. So’s Amy.’

  ‘Absolutely,’ Amy chipped in. ‘I can’t believe I didn’t need a section, I really didn’t think it was going to happen. I’m so glad you let me try, and that you were both there. It made me feel so safe, and that made a massive difference, and so has not having had a section. I couldn’t have done it without you, either of you.’

  Tears welled in her eyes, and Liv hugged her gently and told Leo to take her home. ‘Go on. Go and show the girls their little brother. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to bits.’

  ‘I’m sure they will,’ Leo said, his smile a little crooked. ‘I know we are. Look, I don’t know if you like eating out, if it’s your thing, but if you want to come down for dinner to the restaurant any time, just phone up and we’ll find you a table. It would be great to see you again.’

  ‘That’s very kind of you, Leo, thank you.’

  ‘It’s nothing,’ Leo said. ‘Remember, any time.’

  ‘That would be lovely,’ Liv said, reaching up and kissing Leo on the cheek. ‘Thank you. Now take your wife home, please, and spoil her a little. She’s done really well today.’

  They watched them go, Leo with one arm round Amy and the other carrying their precious cargo, and Liv felt Nick’s hand on her shoulder, giving it a quick squeeze.

  ‘You did well today, too,’ he murmured. ‘Thank you for coming in early.’

  ‘You don’t need to thank me, Nick. I did it for Amy. I knew she’d feel better with people she knew around her, especially under the circumstances. That’s all the thanks I need.’

  ‘I’m still thanking you. What are you doing later?’

  ‘I don’t know. Are you going to tell me?’ she asked, looking up and catching a fleeting glimpse of worry in his eyes. ‘Nick? What is it?’

  His hand dropped from her shoulder and he shook his head. ‘Nothing. Nothing to worry about, but there’s something we need to discuss and we can’t do it here. Yours or mine?’

  ‘Come to the house. I need to put some laundry on and I could do with washing my hair. I didn’t have time this morning. What time do you finish?’

  He laughed. ‘How long is a piece of string? Hopefully by seven anyway. Judy’s OK, so I’m starting to relax on that front, and I haven’t got any other mums I need to worry about at the moment—well nothing urgent anyway. I’ll give you a call if I get held up but you should probably eat without me to be on the safe side.’

  ‘OK. I’ll see you later.’

  * * *

  It was much later.

  He rang at six to say that Judy’s blood pressure had risen suddenly and the Doppler scan of her placenta showed marked deterioration.

  ‘You weren’t worried earlier. Famous last words?’ Liv said, knowing what was coming next, and he gave a tight laugh.

  ‘You could say that. Anyway, I’m going to have to deliver the baby and I know I’m not supposed to be here tonight but I promised her I’d look after her and after we’ve got her this far I’m not going to let her down.’

  ‘Of course you’re not, you old softie. Get something to eat before you take her into Theatre, and I’ll see you later, maybe.’

  ‘OK, but don’t hold your breath. I might have to take a raincheck.’

  ‘OK. That’s fine. Just let me know.’

  She put the phone down, examined the contents of the fridge and decided to make a Thai chicken curry with cauliflower rice. She knew he liked it, she had all the ingredients and he could reheat it when he got there or she could freeze it.

  It didn’t take long, and after she’d eaten hers the evening seemed to stretch out endlessly. There was nothing she wanted to watch on the TV, she still hadn’t washed her hair, and she really fancied a nice, long, lazy bath.

  Probably with a glass of wine, but there wasn’t any in the house, so she made a fruit tea and took it up with her, ran the bath, added bubb
les and found her book before climbing in.

  Luxury.

  She wallowed until the bubbles had all gone, the water was tepid and her book was all but finished, then pulled out the plug, washed her hair in the shower and dried it.

  Did she bother to dress, or should she just put on her towelling robe and slippers and assume he wasn’t coming? Probably a safe assumption. She could lie on the bed and finish her book while she waited.

  By the time she’d turned the last page there was still no word from him, and it was after ten. She might as well just go to sleep.

  * * *

  The house was in darkness, apart from a light in the hall.

  Should he go in? He really needed to talk to her, but she wasn’t at work tomorrow so he wouldn’t see her then, and Ben’s words were gnawing at him.

  And she’d given him keys.

  He let himself in, and swore as the alarm started its entry countdown. He flipped down the cover on the control panel and punched in his old code on autopilot, but it carried on beeping, the seconds ticking down. ‘Dammit, of course, she’s changed the code—’

  The alarm gave up waiting and wailed into life, and he frantically keyed in the new number and sighed with relief as it went quiet. Not before the light went on in Bert and Gwen’s house, though. Damn. That was all he needed.

  ‘It’s only me,’ he called, as their front door opened.

  ‘Is everything all right?’

  ‘Yes, it’s fine, Bert. No problem. Sorry to disturb you.’

  He shut the door as Liv appeared at the top of the stairs, hastily belting her robe, her hair tousled. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have set it but you didn’t ring. Was Bert cross?’

  ‘No, worried I think. I expect he thought I’d broken in to give you another black eye.’

  She laughed and shook her head. ‘No, they know I was knocked down by a car. I told them.’

  ‘Well, thank God for that, I thought he was about to call the police. And I’m sorry I didn’t ring you. I thought I’d left it too late, but I just needed to talk to you, and then I saw the hall light on and I thought you might still be awake.’

  ‘Oh, that’s my fault as well, I must have forgotten to turn it off.’ She ran lightly down the stairs and kissed his cheek. ‘Have you eaten? I made a Thai curry for us and there’s some left.’

  ‘That sounds amazing. I grabbed a piece of toast from the ward kitchen but that was hours ago.’

  ‘Come and eat, then, and you can tell me all about Judy.’

  ‘She’s fine, and the baby’s fine,’ he said, following her into the kitchen. ‘Small, but pretty well. She’s in SCBU but she’s over thirty-four weeks so it’s not too much of a worry. She’ll just need a bit of support.’

  ‘Well, that’s good. I bet they’re really happy.’ Liv took a bowl out of the fridge and put it in the microwave and turned to him with a concerned smile.

  ‘So what was it you wanted to talk to me about?’

  He hesitated, then went for it. ‘Simon’s not coming back,’ he said, studying her face for her reaction. ‘Ben wants me to apply for the job, but there was a sort of caveat that I’m not going to do another runner.’

  ‘And are you?’

  He sighed heavily. ‘I don’t know, Liv. It all depends on you and the baby thing. If we jump through all the available hoops, have every test, go through every procedure and still fail, will you be to deal with it?’ he asked softly.

  ‘Yes—because we love each other, and we’ll be all right.’

  ‘Sweetheart, you don’t know that. I’ve seen level-headed, reasonable people take each other apart over this, and it’s not because they don’t love each other. Look what happened to us before.’

  She hitched up onto the stool beside him. ‘But we weren’t talking. We’d stopped communicating with each other—you didn’t even tell me you’d had semen analysis, for goodness sake! We should have shared that right at the beginning, when you had the first test, talked about the result and what it meant.’

  ‘But I didn’t know what it meant. I didn’t know if it was bad enough to make a difference, so I tried to improve it, I changed my lifestyle—’

  ‘And it still didn’t work, so instead of talking to me and sharing your fears you shut me out. How much of an improvement was that?’

  He stabbed a hand through his hair.

  ‘It wasn’t. I know that. But I felt guilty—’

  ‘That’s ridiculous, it wasn’t your fault—’

  ‘It was my fault, or it could have been. You’re right, I should have talked to you about it when I had the first test, never mind the second. But I didn’t, because I couldn’t, because it was falling apart all around us and we weren’t talking about anything by that point.’

  ‘Oh, Nick. Come here...’

  Her arms slid round him, and he turned on the stool and took her in his arms, resting his cheek against her hair. It smelt of sunshine and apples and Liv, and he buried his face in it and breathed deeply. He wanted her so much. Needed her so much.

  ‘I just feel—this is a real chance for us, Liv, but I can’t muck Ben around, so I have to tell him yes and stick with it or give up on us and get another job somewhere else.’

  ‘You can’t do that!’ she said, her voice a desperate whisper. ‘You can’t walk out on us now, Nick. Please? I love you. I need you. And you said you needed me.’

  His arms tightened round her. ‘I do, more than anything else.’

  ‘So apply for it. From the way Ben’s talking, it’s yours for the asking, so ask. We know we can work together. If we find we can’t live together, then we’ll deal with it.’

  ‘You make it sound so easy, but it’s not. It’s the job I always wanted, the job I’d just secured when we split up. I’m lucky he’s even giving me a second chance at it, and I’m so, so tempted, but—he wants me to be able to commit to something I just don’t know the answer to and I don’t want us to feel trapped. We felt trapped before and it nearly killed us.’

  She pushed herself away so she could look up at him, and he met her eyes, open, honest, and so revealing.

  ‘We won’t feel trapped,’ she promised him. ‘Not this time, because this time we’ll be going into it with our eyes open. Have you told him about us? About the baby thing?’

  ‘No. That’s why I went private for the semen analysis. You know what the grapevine’s like.’

  ‘Don’t you think you should tell him?’

  He swallowed hard. ‘They’re just about to have their third child. His fourth.’

  ‘So? It’s not a competition.’

  ‘It feels like it sometimes—and you know that. It’s why you wouldn’t come to the conference. Anyway, it’s none of his business and it’s not relevant to whether or not I can do the job, so he can’t legally use it as a reason for not offering it to me.’

  He sighed and rammed a hand through his hair.

  ‘The trouble is I just feel I don’t have a choice. There aren’t any other decent jobs out there and that’s taken away any choice over whether or not I apply for this one because I need a job, one way or the other, or I can’t pay the mortgage and you’ll be homeless. We’ll be homeless. I can’t do that to you.’

  ‘You can’t do this just for money, Nick, and I won’t let you! I could pay the mortgage—or rent something, if it came to that. If we want to be together and can accept the fact that we might never have children, and I think we both feel like that, then we should be together, either here or somewhere else. Anywhere, so long as we were happy, but you can’t take this job just because you need to earn a living. It has to be because it’s what you really, truly want, and only you can decide that.’

  He reached out a hand and rested it lightly against her cheek, over the faint yellow stain left by the bruise. He frowned a
nd traced the stain tenderly with his thumb.

  ‘It is what I really, truly want,’ he said softly. ‘That, and you, as a package. But you first. Always you, front and centre.’

  A frown pleated her brow and her eyes were troubled. ‘Then what’s the problem? Life doesn’t come with guarantees, and Ben knows that, but you’re talking as if you’re expecting it to go wrong between us. It can’t work with that attitude. We both have to be behind it one hundred percent, or it won’t work. It can’t work.’

  ‘I am behind it,’ he said. ‘I was behind it before, and look what happened.’

  Her hand caressed his face, her fingertips gentle against his cheek. ‘Yes, look what happened. We didn’t talk, we didn’t say “I love you”, we didn’t take care of each other. We just let everything between us grind to a halt because I didn’t get pregnant. And we won’t do that this time. We can’t do that this time, because that’s not what it’s about. It’s about the fact that we love each other and want to be together, and we can’t let that fail, so why don’t we just kick this baby thing into the long grass and concentrate on us? Because I miss you, Nick, I miss you so much.’

  His fingers stroked her cheek tenderly, sliding down to cup her chin as he shifted towards her and touched his mouth to hers in a gentle, lingering kiss.

  ‘I miss you, too,’ he murmured gruffly. ‘And you’re right, we can’t let it fail this time. We’ll give it everything we’ve got, no holding back. But on one condition. This baby thing—I don’t want to think about it or worry about it until we’re feeling confident and settled and we know we’re strong enough to face it. I’m almost one hundred percent sure that we’ll need help in some form or another, and I don’t want to start down that road until we’re both sure we’re ready. If we ever are.’

  She nodded slowly. ‘I’ll buy that. It’s a good idea.’

  He kissed her again, the caress tender and sensuous, the passion reined in. But it was there in her, too; he could feel it simmering just below the surface, ready to explode at the slightest provocation, so he drew back.