Little White Lies
Page 7
Mom, to her credit, parlayed Beyoncé into teachable moments. I learned about the wonders of hair extensions at a remarkably young age. My mother also enlisted Beyoncé to educate me about the appropriate times to wear clothes and when it was okay to just walk around in your underwear. And before I even started school, Beyoncé helped me comprehend the nuances of the word “naughty.”
My mother never tried to steer me away from Bey, either. She accepted the Beyoncé phenomenon the same way she did boy bands, the color pink, and princesses—as an immutable force of influence on her daughter from which there was no way to shield or protect her, but which would surely diminish. (In recent years, I’ve tried to keep my continued Beyoncé worship from her. I’ve indulged alone or with my best friend, Rachel. I also recently invented the statistic that Americans between the ages of 12 and 48 are exposed to images of Beyoncé an average of 3.4 times per day.)
The first CD I ever owned was her solo debut Dangerously in Love. Mom bought it for me. I remember, because it got released the day before my seventh birthday. Even though my official birthday was still a day away, she took me to Target after school—no doubt to shut me up about it.
At least I’ve outgrown princesses, boy bands, and the color pink.
But Bey is still my boo. I don’t own any of her other CDs, but I’ve purchased all her other albums on iTunes, and with my own hard-earned money. I know she doesn’t need my money. But she has given me and the rest of the world so much over the years—not just as an entertainer but as a paradigm of power, confidence, beauty, and strength for black women to emulate—that I believe paying for her music is the least I can do to show my respect and support. Perhaps I’m an unwitting victim of the Beyoncé conspiracy, after all.
So when I got the “SURPRISE” Instagram message just after midnight, I had no choice but to dive in headfirst. Geopolitics paper be damned. My amateur analysis of the Syrian civil war can wait. As of right now, this night belongs to Beyoncé. And because of my newly standardized Blog Before Homework policy (jk, teachers! ) I have no choice but to devote these remaining hours of darkness to exploring the 14 songs and 17 videos of Beyoncé’s “secret” album. Of course I’ll be sharing my thoughts about the songs and videos with you, dear reader, in my first all-Beyoncé installment of LWL.
Please bear with me, as I am very much a novice at writing about music. I may have written a few clever lines about Kanye, but I’ve never even attempted to write a proper music review. And that’s not what I’m about to do here. Rather, I will share my immediate impressions of the work at hand. I may not even write in complete sentences. But hey, it’s the Internet. And it’s very late and getting later.
Btw, since BEYONCÉ is being touted as a “visual album,” I’ll focus on the videos and leave writing about the songs to the millions of music critics out here in the blogosphere. Now without further ado, let’s do this!
Note from Karl: Dear reader, if you wish to see more of the Beyoncé post—and trust me, it’s worth it—please consult Appendix 2.
Friday, December 13, 2013 (Gchat):
Coretta White - 3:12 PM
hello there
Karl Ristoff - 3:12 PM
well hello
so what did you think?
Coretta White - 3:22 PM
I liked it.
Karl Ristoff - 3:24 PM
You did? whew. We are talking
about the Beyoncé conspiracy, right?
Coretta White - 3:24 PM
yes. ha
Karl Ristoff - 3:24 PM
Any feedback from your pals at school?
Coretta White - 3:25 PM
Did you write that with your opinions or what you thought mine would be? Everyone at school freaked out about it. they woke up to find that the album had dropped, and also that LWL had covered it overnight
Karl Ristoff - 3:26 PM
That stuff about your mom was completely imagined of course but if it was way off, I figured you’d change it. was surprised at your light editing touch
Coretta White - 3:26 PM
I actually did have beyonce albums when I was young … but I never liked pink. My mom asked me about that, and I said I just added it for layers
My favorite color was and is gray. I imagine yours is green
Karl Ristoff - 3:27 PM
It is. Not that I’m obsessed with making money, but I do enjoy spending it. How’d your paper go?
Coretta White - 3:28 PM
meh, nothing to write home about I think my teacher was impressed because of the blog post so thanks for getting me points!
Karl Ristoff - 3:29 PM
I hear that. What did YOU think of the Beyonce album? And all those videos!! you’re welcome!
Coretta White - 3:29 PM
I think Beyonce is making a statement
Karl Ristoff - 3:29 PM
it was fun to write. not easy, though
Coretta White - 3:30 PM
and she is changing her image
Karl Ristoff - 3:30 PM
What is her statement? And from what to what?
Coretta White - 3:30 PM
it was that she was just the queen, and there was no need to talk about others. Now i think there is an underlying theme of “I’m the baddest bitch. WHAT” And I’m a bad bitch, nasty bitch, queen bitch, lady to J-Hova
Karl Ristoff - 3:31 PM
She is a bad bitch for certain.
Coretta White - 3:31 PM
and classy of course I think she is now just a representation of every side of a woman that is desirable
Karl Ristoff - 3:32 PM
Yeah, maybe there’s some healthy rivalry going on between them, too. that’s going keep both of them motivated as individuals, and even stronger as a team. She def covers a lot of bases.
Coretta White - 3:32 PM
Never stops. I’m not like beyonce I’m like … Demi Lovato or something just waiting for a breakdown
Karl Ristoff - 3:33 PM
Ha, Demi Lovato?? Her people wanted me to tweet for her, but they wanted me to audition, and I wasn’t into it.
Coretta White - 3:34 PM
good choice on your part
Karl Ristoff - 3:34 PM
See, I do have some standards.
Coretta White - 3:34 PM
“rehab is great! dolphins!”
Karl Ristoff - 3:34 PM
Tweet that! @demilovato
Coretta White - 3:35 PM
Are you going to tweet for me?
Karl Ristoff - 3:35 PM
I think you need to chime in on black twitter with some of this beyonce stuff too. I just stayed up all night writing that blog! You tweet. Bt is on fire today.
Coretta White - 3:35 PM
“black twitter” OK, I will tweet. i’ll remind you that I’m going through puberty and high school right now it’s on fire about bey?
Karl Ristoff - 3:36 PM
oh yeah.
Coretta White - 3:36 PM
i suppose i should fan the flames
Karl Ristoff - 3:37 PM
fan em for sure. And also, see what people are saying, and especially what they’re rt’ing. If you see stuff you like, or someone whose voice resonates, rt rt rt!
Coretta White - 3:38 PM
Will do. I’m not very familiar with twitter (gah, I know) Feel free to monitor my progress
Karl Ristoff - 3:38 PM
The key is to get in and get out quick. No point lingering, it’s a terrible time suck. You’ll do great. You are great. I should let you get back to school and adolescence.
Coretta White - 3:40 PM
They are both quite time-consuming drags I should let you get back to.…? writing for people?
Karl Ristoff - 3:41 PM
let’s leave it at “?” see you in the cloud
Coretta White - 3:42 PM
nebulousbye
Karl Ristoff - 3:42 PM
bye! :D
Saturday, December 14, 2013 (Gchat):
&nbs
p; Karl Ristoff - 1:58 PM
Peter O’Toole died today. Though I guess that has nothing to do with LWL.
Coretta White - 1:57 PM
Yeah, I don’t think it does. Are you a big fan of his?
Karl Ristoff - 1:58 PM
I’m a fan of his name more than his work
Anyway, never mind. Nice work on the bey tweets
Coretta White - 1:59 PM
I just pulled up his wikipedia I’ve maybe seen Lawrence of Arabia. OHHH da tweets!
Karl Ristoff - 2:00 PM
yeah, 8 nominations for Best Actor. Never won!
Coretta White - 2:00 PM
Yeah, I was trying to be clever.
Karl Ristoff - 2:00 PM
you are clever. yet not shallow. back to biz.
Coretta White - 2:00 PM
You really can only like Beyonce on social media. I love that hbo documentary. She works really hard. When she was talking about her dad in the back of the SUV. Oy.
Karl Ristoff - 2:04 PM
Oy? You never told me you were Jewish. But Beyonce was also able to convince me that she is an authentic human being. A real person.
Coretta White - 2:04 PM
Yes, and if she isn’t, then she is even more impressive. The album coming out of nowhere made a little more sense. And my best friend is Jewish.
Karl Ristoff - 2:07 PM
Could you imagine having your dad be your manager?
Coretta White - 2:07 PM
NO. Well, yes, and no. sometimes i feel like he is my manager I just have no money to manage
Karl Ristoff - 2:08 PM
Ha, right. Won’t be long though …
Coretta White - 2:08 PM
She had to pretend not to be the very best in destiny’s child. be humble and pretend she didn’t know why she’s the one getting the interviews.
It’s like Justin Timberlake and N’Syncit’s awkward until they really are just a solo artist
Karl Ristoff - 2:09 PM
Right! They seem to eventually break out and do their thing. And then the good ones maintain without self-destructing.
Coretta White - 2:10 PM
Exactly Let’s neither of us self-destruct. So why are you so into beyonce? You’re a walking contradiction. I assume you can walk, but i guess I don’t know.
Karl Ristoff - 2:14 PM
Oh, I’m just in a 5-day Bey phase. This too shall pass. I am fully ambulatory. I can walk away from Beyonce at any moment
Coretta White - 2:16 PM
I just mean that you’re a middle-aged white guy who is really into beyonce
Karl Ristoff - 2:16 PM
I know what you meant. There are tons of middle-aged white guys into beyonce. Most of them are gay.
Coretta White - 2:18 PM
I guess I need to expand my circles. I can’t wait for college.
Karl Ristoff - 2:18 PM
Yeah, you’ll meet tons of middle-aged gay dudes in college. They’re called professors. Kidding, of course! Though come to think of it, most of my favorite professors were gay.
Coretta White - 2:20 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I don’t know why that’s funny, but it is. Let’s hope I get into a college
Karl Ristoff - 2:20 PM
As I like to say, “Love making gay jokes. Hate homophobia.”
Coretta White - 2:21 PM
That’s the next blog post … kidding of course.
Karl Ristoff - 2:22 PM
Why? Cuz that’s not bad
Sunday, December 15, 2013 (Gchat):
Karl Ristoff - 2:22 PM
You going to watch the Mandela funeral today?
Coretta White - 2:23 PM
I’m not planning on watching it I will read coverage and watch videos. I’ve studied apartheid it’s ludicrous
Karl Ristoff - 2:24 PM
I think the perspective of someone who has grown up post-apartheid might be pretty compelling
Coretta White - 2:24 PM
I want to see the movie. eerie timing, right?
Karl Ristoff - 2:25 PM
Yeah. Not sure if I’ll go or not. I do like Idris Elba though—come on, The Wire???
Coretta White - 2:25 PM
I’ve never seen the wire. My parents probably wouldn’t want me to watch it.
Karl Ristoff - 2:25 PM
Sometimes i forget I’m chatting with a 17-year-old
Coretta White - 2:26 PM
I never forget I’m chatting with a 40-something white man
Karl Ristoff - 2:27 PM
On Internet dating EVERYONE watches the wire. HA HA
Coretta White - 2:27 PM
YOU DATE ON THE INTERNET?
Karl Ristoff - 2:27 PM
I mean, HA HA what you said about not forgetting who I am. How else am I gonna get a date?
Coretta White - 2:27 PM
Tinder, OkCupid, Match
Karl Ristoff - 2:28 PM
Wait, how do YOU know about these sites, young lady??
Coretta White - 2:28 PM
I don’t know what you look like … so I guess if walking around and asking someone out isn’t an option … or FB …
Karl Ristoff - 2:28 PM
I’m not sure I want to get involved with your FB page. Certainly not your personal page—do you even do facebook besides LWL? How could you have time?
Coretta White - 2:31 PM
I have a FB page i link my LWL posts to it It also helps because my friends share the links, which helps it spread. My parents look at my FB page, so it’s super boring
Karl Ristoff - 2:32 PM
let’s not be friends ok?
Coretta White - 2:32 PM
ahahahah, yes, let’s not be friends
Karl Ristoff - 2:32 PM
Right: let’s not friend each other in the FB sense.
Coretta White - 2:32 PM
I think the less ties we have, the better, right? You’re like a genie
Karl Ristoff - 2:32 PM
FB is going to be over soon anyway.
Yeah, let’s keep it business.
Keep it direct message only.
I’m trying to slim down.
Coretta White - 2:33 PM
Are you fat?
Karl Ristoff - 2:33 PM
Oh you mean genie, like, magical?
Coretta White - 2:33 PM
yes I just mean you appeared out of nowhere and you are helping me like a magical genie I don’t see you as a fat genie though
Karl Ristoff - 2:34 PM
Oh, well. Happy to help. I’m not that fat. Just kinda husky. Think about Mandela! Think about gay stuff too! I mean, you know what I mean.
Coretta White - 2:38 PM
I will think about all gay stuff
Karl Ristoff - 2:39 PM
LBGT is the new vanguard of civil rights. just sayin … I mean LGBTQ anyway, we can talk about gay stuff later. keep on keepin’ on …
Wednesday, December 18, 2013 (Gchat):
Karl Ristoff - 3:39 PM
Yo what’s up with Target? I just saw a thing on Pulse TV about them not carrying the Beyonce album after her flash release? Okay, I know, enough about Beyonce.
Coretta White - 3:40 PM
I don’t watch Pulse TV. I think I’m going to write something on the Obama selfie/Mandela story
Karl Ristoff - 3:41 PM
Good idea! You really don’t watch Pulse TV?
Coretta White - 3:41 PM
The selfie story seems really relevant.
Karl Ristoff - 3:41 PM
Totally relevant. This is the year of the selfie isn’t it? And that was like Selfie of the Year.
Coretta White - 3:42 PM
I haven’t seen the actual selfie, only a picture of said selfie I hope it was good. If my mom caught me taking a selfie at someone’s funeral … Oooo lawd
Karl Ristoff - 3:43 PM
Is it online? You’ve got to friend that white lady! Yeah, selfies at funerals. Not a good look. Even fo
r Heads of State. Or maybe, especially for Heads of State.
Coretta White - 3:45 PM
Yeah, but I’m also going to work on stuff on Mandela … you know, since it’s quite a bit more important
Karl Ristoff - 3:46 PM
Have you noticed they tend to crop out the white guy in that photo of the offending selfie? Maybe to make room for Michelle’s reaction … I wonder if he’s cropped out of the selfie itself. You’re right. In the grand scheme of things, Mandela trumps Selfie.
Coretta White - 3:47 PM
it’s all about the story to be told Michelle has to look like a mean black bitch while barack schmoozes with a blonde woman blonde: the whitest kind of woman