A Life Apart

by Harriet Knowles

  She looked down. “I have been very foolish, leaving it so long. If I had replied, even briefly, to one of her letters, I might have found it easier.”

  He lifted her hand to his lips. “I will not have you berate yourself. You were very angry, much of it on my behalf. And your anger was justified and is still understandable, even though we have now worked out our differences.” He looked over the gardens.

  “I am just concerned that if you do not become reconciled with those of your family you once loved, that you might one day feel much regret.”

  “You are most perceptive, William.” She followed his gaze. “I am quite decided. If Jane is in London, I will contact her. I am, however, unsure as to how to do it for the best.” She bent her head. “After that letter to my aunt, I am surprised she, at least, did not write in return.”

  His handclasp was warm. “Perhaps you forget, Elizabeth, that you addressed it from Pitlochry. I expect any reply would have been sent to await your return to Pemberley. I have no doubt that an answer is likely to have been redirected here and is on its way.”

  “Oh, yes!” She felt better. “Of course it would take longer that way.”

  His clasp was still firm on her hands. “And it might be that your aunt delayed writing in return until she could inform you whether your sister has accepted the invitation.”

  Elizabeth nodded slowly. “So we might have to wait several more days before we hear from her?” She bit her lip. “I do hope she did as we asked and not mention my name as to why she invited her.”

  He leaned closer. “You were confident when you wrote that she would do as you suggested, were you not?”

  Elizabeth glanced at the house. She supposed they might be being observed, but she did not quite care at the moment, and leaned against him, taking comfort in his closeness.

  “But I do not know how it is best to see her,” she said. “It will be too difficult to put in a letter and I cannot just send for her.”

  He nodded. “We will think about it. If you prefer, I might invite her, with your aunt and uncle, for dinner. Then I can keep them in conversation to allow you to talk privately to your sister.”

  She lifted her eyes to his face. “But I cannot ask that of you. They did you a great disservice. I am surprised that you can even think about them being here.”

  “Elizabeth. They are your family. You have told me how close you have been to your aunt in the past.” His voice deepened. “I am sure she was only doing what she thought was best for your future security.” His voice sounded a little hoarse. “I admit I was very angry at the time, and perhaps not as polite as I should have been.”

  He lifted his hand to her face, tracing his finger along the edge of her chin. “But I have received a great blessing despite my anger. How else could I ever have met you, learned to love you so very much?”

  “Thank you, William. But I cannot think it would be right — at least the first time.” She sighed.

  “I think I must go there.” She hardened her mind. “It has not really been so very long, and I can endure anything if I need to.”

  She thought of something else. “But what of the gentleman you had thought might secure her affections?”

  “Mr. Bingley?” he smiled complacently. “He …”

  “Bingley?” she broke in. “I know that name, surely.” She thought back. Bingley, Bingley. Then it came to her. “Oh yes, it was when Papa told me the whole family was shunned. He said Mama had had great hopes of a Mr. Bingley who had taken Netherfield, but that it was all for naught, because of my ruin.”

  William laughed. “Yes. I was a guest at Netherfield when I came across you in the woods. I understand that your family did not attend the gathering that week and my friend became quite enamoured of the eldest Miss Lucas.”

  “Charlotte!” Elizabeth was quite excited. “Oh, I wish I had heard!”

  “No, no! Nothing came of it.” William shook his head. “Bingley’s sisters decided she did not suit him and insisted on his return to London, where they have been ever since. I will confess that they are determined he is for Georgiana, but those hopes are in vain.” His voice had hardened.

  “Why is that, William?” Elizabeth was curious.

  “He is a pleasant, amiable gentleman, and Georgiana finds him quite agreeable. But there is no affection there and I believe she is nervous of his sisters, too. She is too shy to be able to stand up for herself.”

  He squeezed her hand. “Do not allow your hopes to rise too high, Elizabeth. They may not find their affections stirred, but we can ensure that they at least meet, and we shall see.”

  “Very well, I shall keep my mind on our meeting, and then I can at least warn her of Mr. Collins, if nothing else.”

  “Bravo, Elizabeth.” His lips brushed her hair. “So, you have decided to call. Might I come with you? I may keep your aunt in conversation to allow you to speak to your sister.”

  “You would do that?” She could not believe it.

  “For you, Elizabeth, anything.” He sat up. “I will send a card round this afternoon, saying we will call tomorrow morning. Then we will not surprise them too much.”

  Elizabeth’s throat tightened. “What if Jane isn’t there?”

  He rose and offered his hand to assist her. “She will be. Come, let us go inside. I do not wish you to get cold.”

  Chapter 56

  Darcy watched his wife at dinner that night. She seemed outwardly calm and serene, although he could discern her nervousness. He was sure Georgiana and Richard suspected nothing.

  But he was sure she would not sleep very much that night.

  It was right to go the next day, he thought. It would mean that she did not have too long to be anxious. It might mean she had a restless night, however. He watched her as she toyed with her food, and wished the next day over.

  He sighed inwardly. It would be a long evening.

  It had been. But thankfully it was over, and he accompanied her up the stairs to their chambers. “I will be with you very soon,” he reassured her as they parted at the door to her apartment.

  “Thank you, William.” She hesitated and he wondered what she had wanted to say. But it would be easier to ask her once they were alone together and would not be disturbed. He lifted her hand to his lips and turned for his own chamber.

  He was anxious to finish his preparations and go through to Elizabeth, and he sent Mr. Maunder away as soon as the man had assisted him off with his boots and poured the hot water into the bowl for him.

  Shrugging into his robe, Darcy knocked quietly on the door to her chamber and went through. Quick as he had been, she was still ready. She sat at the small table near the fire, a shawl around her shoulders and a glass of water in front of her.

  She looked round and smiled at him, the leaping flames dancing in her eyes.

  He crossed the room to her, dropping to one knee beside her. “Perhaps you might wish to tell me now what you hesitated to tell me outside.”

  “Dearest William, I love that you are so concerned for me.” She smiled at him. “I know that you could sense I am uncertain how tomorrow will be. I may be a little restless tonight and I wouldn’t like to disturb you. Might you get more rest if you slept in your chamber?”

  Darcy got to his feet and drew her up into his embrace. “No.” He buried his face in her hair, her fragrance surrounding him. “Thank you for being concerned on my behalf, but I would not be able to sleep at all, thinking of you here alone.”

  “Oh.” It seemed she had almost expected that answer, for she drew back a little. “Well, we will have to be restless together, then, shall we?”

  “Perhaps.” Darcy picked her up. “We will see.” He carried her over to the bed. “Let me see if I can comfort you a little.”

  He laid her down, shed his robe and climbed in beside her, drawing the covers over them. He took her face between his hands, seeing her lips parting below him, and his breath caught. He drew her tightly into his arms. “I just want you to rest
, Elizabeth. Just rest. I will not ask anything else of you tonight.”

  “Thank you, William. Are you comfortable?” She settled herself in his arms and was still. He rested his chin on the top of her head and listened to her breathing, waiting to see if she would go to sleep.

  He was amused, listening to her quiet, regular breathing. He knew she was feigning sleep, there were none of the unconscious sighs and periods of stillness. He kept still, watching the shadows from the fire dancing on the wall opposite him.

  Finally, he could keep up the act no longer, and chuckled.

  “I thought you weren’t asleep.” Her whisper sounded as amused as he felt.

  “And I knew you weren’t,” he countered.

  “Well, I am giving up the attempt.” She rolled away onto her back and put her hands behind her head. “The fire is dying, I’ve been watching the shadows get dimmer.”

  “As have I,” he confessed. “What have you been thinking of?” He knew, really, but he wanted her to tell him.

  “I’m worried Jane will be angry with me for not writing to her before now.” Her voice was very quiet.

  He slid his arm behind her and drew her close. “Tell me about her, what you used to do together and how she was.”

  He listened attentively as she laughed and began to describe her childhood with her elder sister. He heard tales of her beauty and amiability and began to get a feeling that Elizabeth was most definitely not the favourite daughter.

  “And how did Jane feel when she thought your mother favoured her?” He was interested.

  “Oh, she did not like it. She used to berate Mama sometimes. But it served no purpose and in the end we agreed I would ignore the comments and Jane would not say anything, because it made things worse.”

  He had his answer, he thought. He’d wanted to know before he asked the question. “So, would the Jane that you knew then bear a grudge against someone who had wronged her?”

  “Oh, no!” Elizabeth turned her head towards him. “Jane is the most amiable and kind-hearted soul you will ever meet.” She smiled reminiscently. “I often used to say to her that she was unable to see any wrongdoing in anyone.”

  “Well, then.” Darcy kissed her. “What makes you think she will have changed so much as to berate you for your imagined wrongdoing?”

  She was silent for a few minutes. Then she laughed. “I suppose you are right, William. I have been imagining her with my own hot temper and resentments. She will be kindness itself — which will make me feel even worse at what I have done to her.”

  “You will not,” he assured her. “I am convinced you will be able to renew your affections with little difficulty. You must push away any regret you have, or it will make your sister more anxious.”

  There was a long silence after he spoke and he wondered if she might soon be able to rest. When she did reply, she sounded happier.

  “So my task is to make this as easy for Jane as possible?”

  “That’s right.” He smiled and caressed her hair. “I know you had begun reading her letters so you have some knowledge of what has been happening in her life.” He thought for a moment. “Your intention for tomorrow is to actually speak to her, so that she is happy to continue the friendship, and you are content. Catching up on your news might wait until the meetings following the first.”

  “So, if I am able to invite them for dinner, may I do that?”

  Darcy rolled towards her. “You are the mistress of Darcy House, Elizabeth. You may invite anyone you wish, at any time.”

  Laughter bubbled out of her. “Except my mother!”

  He chuckled. “Even your mother, if you wish.”

  “But you hope I will not.”

  “That is not true, Elizabeth. If you wish to invite her, I will be the perfect host. I only ask that you inform me so that it is not too much of a surprise.” He let the smile sound in his voice. He knew she was happier now, and thought she might sleep soon.

  He closed his eyes and wondered what the morning might bring. He would be speaking to Mrs. Gardiner, to give Elizabeth time to talk to Miss Bennet, and, after the events at the wedding breakfast, he was not at all sure how she would receive him.

  He would not be so concerned if he had not been so determined that whatever he said must assist Elizabeth to rebuild the relationship. But it would be no good trying to imagine how the meeting would be, he would have to do the best he could with whatever circumstances presented themselves.

  At least Mr. Gardiner was not likely to be there. He had enquired into his business interests at the time and knew he worked very long hours in his warehouses.

  Now that Darcy had overcome his instinctive distaste of those in trade, he quite respected the man’s hard work to ensure his children could truly become gentlemen and ladies. He supposed Bingley’s father had been the same sort of man.

  Bingley. He must write to him tomorrow. He might not know they were back in London.

  Chapter 57

  She allowed William’s hand to support hers as she climbed into the carriage the next morning. At last it was time, and she just wanted the next few hours to be over.

  She hoped very much that everything would be easier as soon as the greetings were done, and she was so grateful that he had suggested he come too.

  She wondered if Jane would find his presence difficult, might it make a difference to how they were able to speak? But he had said that he would talk to her aunt, to give her privacy with her sister. She frowned.

  “William?”

  He smiled down at her as the carriage jolted over the cobblestones. “It will soon be but a memory and you will be happily reconciled.” He bent his head to hers. “You are a strong and resourceful lady, and you must not worry so much.”

  “It is not that, though I thank you. I have just remembered that you said you will talk to my aunt, and we have not mentioned once what a dilemma that might be for you.” She shook her head. “I am so sorry to have been so caught up in my own concerns that we did not discuss what you might need to say.”

  His hand was on hers, warm and comforting. “I decided I would not mention it to you — or it would have prevented you from getting what sleep you did manage last night!” His teasing voice made her smile.

  “But …”

  He shook his head. “I will do what has to be done, Elizabeth. I cannot know until we are there what will be expected of me. But you may rest assured that I will do nothing, nothing at all, to prevent your happy reconciliation with your aunt and uncle, as well as your sister.”

  “Thank you.” She looked out of the carriage window and shivered a little. “The river is very grey today.” They were driving east along the Embankment.

  He smiled. “I asked the coachman to bring us this way. It is the way I came to see you the day I was forced to renew my offer to you. The river looked the same on that day, and look what happiness it has now brought me.”

  She turned to face him. “You were very angry then.”

  “I was. I was convinced it was the end of whatever chance of happiness I had ever had. But I am thankful of it now. I was proud and arrogant. I would otherwise never have considered I might find such love in a family so — you must forgive me — so far beneath what I thought my station in life.” He lifted her hand to his mouth. His lips seared her skin as his gaze pierced her heart.

  She smiled nervously. “And will you tell my uncle that?”

  “Do you think he will be there?” He sounded surprised. “I had thought he might be about his business.”

  “I think Aunt Gardiner will have requested that he stay at home today. She will be anxious, too.”

  “Then I will do what needs to be done.” He smiled. “But if he directs me to join him in his library, you may have your aunt as well as Jane.”

  She laughed. “I am looking forward to being on the way home later. I will be much relieved when it is all done.”

  The air was still very cold as the coach drew up on the frosted cobblestones
, the horses’ breath steaming from their nostrils as they snorted and shook their heads. William left the coach first and turned to assist her. She climbed down, seeing a movement behind the curtain of the drawing room.

  She lifted her head, wondering if she had been right to acquiesce to William about wearing such a fine gown. She had first donned one of her old gowns and he had requested she change it before they began their journey.

  “I would not have it that your family think ill of me, that I have refused to provide for you as is befitting.”

  She had not thought of that, explaining that she wanted to show that she was still the same Elizabeth. But he had shaken his head.

  “No. Of course you are the same Elizabeth. But you are also Mrs. Darcy. I would be mortified if you were ashamed of it.”

  She hadn’t demurred further, choosing the finest of her new gowns. Not for anything would she wish to embarrass her husband.

  Her heart was racing as they climbed the steps. Soon the initial difficulty would be over. She was so grateful for William’s calm presence beside her, and she knew it had been right that they came here and hadn’t expected Jane to come to them.

  The front door swung open and the butler bowed. They did not have to wait for their calling card to be carried through to the drawing room and to be escorted through. Aunt Gardiner was waiting for them in the hall.

  “Oh, Lizzy! I am so happy you have called!” She hurried forward, her hands extended. She did not try to kiss Elizabeth, or embrace her, instead just taking her free hand in both of hers. There were tears in her eyes. “Oh, I am so happy you’re well!”

  She raised her voice. “Jane! Jane, dear, Lizzy is here!”

  Elizabeth was watching for Jane to appear, but she did see the slightly apprehensive glance that Aunt Gardiner cast at William.