Dear Olivia

by Fontaine , Bella

  “Please don’t let them take me,” I begged.

  “We have to. He has to go back to the detention center,” the officer cut in.

  Joe placed his hand over mine and gave me a gentle squeeze. He must have seen I was a lost cause.

  “Look, son, go with the officers and I’ll come visit you tomorrow and we’ll sort this out, okay?” He nodded and looked like he cared.

  “Will you?”

  “You have my word. I promise you.”

  It was the way he looked at me that told me he meant it, and that was the first time in my life when I truly believed I had people who cared about me.

  “Okay.” I glanced over at Ray, who was seething.

  I didn’t know what would happen next now that there were actual witnesses of his rage. Whatever it was, I hoped like hell I’d never have to live with him ever again.

  I hoped I’d never have to feel fear like tonight ever again.

  Chapter 6

  Sam

  Present day…

  It was official. I’d lost my damn mind. I must have gone completely crazy and lost my mind. Why else would I think it was a good idea to full on kiss Olivia right there in the office?

  The whole morning I’d willed myself to just focus on business but I couldn’t. Being near her made me want to air the elephants out of the room. It made me want to sort out the mess and make her understand why I did what I did.

  Now I just confused everything because I couldn’t get her out of my damn mind, and I couldn’t tamp down that need for her.

  I wanted her, all over again. Worse than before, when she was actually mine.

  If I didn’t end that kiss, I knew I wouldn’t have cared where we were. Location would have been the last thing on my mind if I’d gotten the chance to rip her clothes off her perfect body and indulge in her.

  And she kissed me back. She kissed me back, and kissed me like she used to. Like she wanted me, too.

  Getting involved like that was the worst idea. Yesterday I felt like a fraud even before I opened my mouth. Today was worse because I was the fraud.

  I was no different from Bradley, sitting there trying to hold onto an invention he stole.

  That fucking asshole was going to make everything harder than it already was. If he wouldn’t agree to access, it would mean breaking into Concubus, or hacking his systems, or doing some shit I really didn’t want to do.

  We didn’t want to break into Concubus because that would ruin the rest of the plan and the whole concept of being covert. I wasn’t simply going to walk in and snatch the chip. I was going to make a dupe. To do that, I needed access. Bradley had all sorts of firewalls I’d never seen before set up, protecting his work at the company. Firewalls that, sure, I could probably get around, but it would take time to write an algorithm to do it.

  We’d hoped that the promise of the money would get him to agree to access, but that fucker was smart. Smart, but desperate. It was that desperation I was hoping to work with. That’s why I stood my ground. He might have walked out, but he’d be back. People always backed down when they were in a corner. All we knew was the man needed money. Lots of it. Two million. That was the proposed offer for research. A two million deposit paid into his account up front for research.

  If I was wrong and Bradley was as stubborn as he was, I’d have to come up with another plan. At least… I went back, saw Olivia despite the kiss and stuck to the plan. Tomorrow I’d see how everything played out before I made my next move.

  I drove back to the beach house I had rented for my stay here. It was the kind of place I would have bought if I lived here. A stone throw away from the beach that had that island-feel with the wooden floors and a less-is-more interior.

  It was the kind of place I could see Olivia liking.

  She thought I didn’t love her. That was what snapped me. It snapped me and brought me out of that front I put up.

  Seeing that she thought I didn’t love her. Nothing was further from the truth.

  She was all I ever thought about at one point in my life. When I left L.A., I headed to Culiacan, Mexico. The kind of place you’d retreat to if you needed to get gone and stay off grid. I didn’t want anyone to find me. She was all that was on my mind. How I disappointed her, how hurt she’d be because I left, but mostly because I couldn’t protect Coop. Olivia loved her brother so much.

  My nerves spiked as I looked ahead, up my drive, and saw a car parked outside my house. A black Jag.

  It was only when I pulled up next to it that I saw a man sitting on the steps leading up to the front door, smoking a cigar.

  I tensed in an instant. It was Joe.

  I sat in the car, staring, just looking at him, not quite knowing what to do. The last time I saw him, Coop was alive. His son was alive and we were joking around about fishing.

  The next time I was to see Joe was supposed to be a day later when I’d set myself the goal of telling him about Olivia and I and asking for his blessing to marry her.

  It felt like I was thinking about someone else. A different guy. Someone else’s story that could never be mine.

  He looked on at me, inclined his head to the side and blew out a cloud of smoke in that cool, casual, Joe way.

  I froze up the same way I had when I saw Olivia. Perhaps worse, on some level, because this man had treated me like his own. He was a parent to me. He made up for the mother who abandoned me and Ray, my very abusive foster father.

  Building courage, I opened the door and stepped out. No need to guess that Olivia had told him she’d seen me. I kind of preempted that happening. What I never factored in was that he, himself, would come and find me.

  He stood and smiled. I guess that was a good sign, since I imagined all the things that could have happened when I next saw Joe and none of them included him smiling at me.

  It wasn’t just my fault that Coop died. It was my fault he became bad in the first place. There are some things in this world that have an irrefutable causal link and that was one of them. Before Coop met me, the guy was a grade-A student, had skipped two grades and was on his way to doing well in life. Within a few years of my influence, he deteriorated into what I could only call the darkness.

  “That’s it, lieutenant? You just gonna look at me?” Joe asked. He stepped forward and the sun beamed down on his hair, now a salt-and-pepper color. He looked cooler. His eight-years-older self looked cooler. Cooler and more confident.

  “Never expected to see you.” My voice came out in a rasp, probably from nerves.

  “Word has it you were back in town. I came to see if the rumors were true. It’s funny, I searched for you everywhere for years. Looking high and low.” He smirked. “But today it took me less than half a day to find you. Place has been leased for a month, but I was told you might not be staying as long as that.”

  All I could do was stare in complete surprise.

  “Joe, I…” my voice trailed off. I really didn’t know what to say. I was a torn man. Broken. And part of me wanted redemption, but the other part wanted to stay in this state of penance where I lived in continual blame and guilt.

  “What? There must be something more to say than that.” He chuckled. “Come on, son, help an old captain out.”

  “Captain?” I breathed. Joe was a detective when I was last here.

  He shrugged. “Yep, had to move up in ranks somehow. I worked hard, but I think in the end it was obvious that I was the eldest, wisest, meanest, and the job was made for me. Although Captain St. Claire makes me sound more like a pirate. Maybe it’s fitting, though, because pirates are always in search of one thing or another. I was looking for you.”

  The backs of my eyes stung and I pulled in a deep breath.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered. There was so much to be sorry for. So damn much.

  “I’m sorry, too, because it looks like you were going to drift on by and leave without us knowing you were even here. Hide, same way you hid the fact that you were seeing my daughter for years an
d didn’t tell me.”

  I bit the inside of my lip. My skin heated up, adding to my discomfort.

  He laughed. “Don’t worry, I didn’t come here to bite your head off about that. And way back when, when I found out about the two of you, I would have been damn proud to see my girl with a guy like you.”

  I struggled to blink back the tears. Shit. I did not cry. I wasn’t the guy you would find crying in some corner. There were only a handful of times in my life when I cried. Most memorable was when Coop died in my arms, then at his funeral that no one saw me at. I was too ashamed to show my face.

  He walked forward, right up to me now, arms out.

  I leaned into him as he gave me a hug, and I could have been that fifteen-year-old boy again who was so happy to see him when he came to visit me at the juvenile detention center. I could have been that kid who thought he suddenly found hope and something that might resemble a future.

  Joe pulled back, gripped my shoulders and stared at me long and hard.

  “Joe, Coop was…” I could barely say his name.

  Joe shook his head. “No, son, let’s not. Not today. Not today. I will tell you this, though… It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your fault.”

  I grimaced and, damn it, a stupid tear ran down my cheek. “It was, Joe. Coop died because of me.”

  He tightened his grip on my shoulders. “Sam, did you shoot him?”

  “No, but you know what I mean.”

  “I know what you mean, but truth is truth. Sam, Coop died because of Coop. If there’s anyone to blame, it’s me. You were his best friend; I’m his father. Any failure is on me. Not you.”

  Again I was reminded of years ago when he rescued me from Ray. That night I ran out to the woods was awful. It was the first time I felt terror like that and it was because I’d reached a stage where I knew something had to change, but I didn’t know what.

  Then Joe happened. I went to live with the St. Claires when I came out of juvie. I stayed with them until I was nineteen and Coop and I got our own place. Coop went to UCLA and we got off-campus housing. It was a bad idea. The worst, because that was when Coop reached the point of no return. It felt like that moment in life when you were given a choice. He dropped out of college, turned to harder drugs and the worst crowd, and I joined the Marines.

  “I wish I could have saved him.”

  “I wish I could have moved heaven and earth to get him back on the right track, but I couldn’t.” Joe nodded. “It doesn’t make me feel any less guilt, but it’s the truth. Anyway… Let’s not go down that road today. It’s been awhile. I’d love to hear what you’ve been up to. You have that troubled look again.”

  He didn’t know the half of it, and he wouldn’t, either, because the situation at hand was one I couldn’t share.

  I guess, though, that there were other things to talk about.

  * * *

  We sat out back on the terrace, talking until late. I didn’t know what time it was but night had fallen long ago.

  We talked while we ate, talking about what had happened over the years. His police stories of his encounters on the job always fascinated me. He talked about his family too. Mainly Neal and Brody. His brothers. Brody was who I first got the inspiration from to join the Marines. The man was still serving after thirty-five years and had no plans to retire. Maybe I would have been like that had I stayed, but I had other things in mind.

  I liked the whole aspect of intelligence analysis and wanted to get into that a little more. I wanted to serve the five years I served, but thought about joining the cybercrime unit at the FBI. It sounded cool. I did a computer science degree while I was on active duty and did what I could to prep myself. It seemed like the natural course my life would take. Plus it tied in with my plans for having a family.

  It was just after I was discharged from service that I asked Olivia to marry me.

  I had all these plans. I never thought I’d end up being the person I was today. I guess still doing something I enjoyed. Something meaningful that mattered, because the crew and I had stopped all manner of shit from going down. Anything from terrorist attacks to cybercrime. They found me years back, deep in Mexico where I didn’t want to be found. I joined because the worked resembled something similar to the person I used to be.

  When the conversation rounded back to the present, my discomfort returned because anything I said about my return to L.A. would be a lie. Lying to people who’d been like family to me twisted my insides.

  “So, we haven’t actually talked about Olivia.” Joe straightened up and took out another cigar. He held out the box to me but I refused it. I stopped smoking awhile back.

  “Nothing to talk about. She hates me.”

  “I doubt that. She’s just in shock.”

  Shock was yesterday. Today I was certain she’d added more hate to what she already felt for me because of that damn kiss.

  The kiss. I knew I shouldn’t have kissed her, but, truth be told, I would do it again. I would do the same thing if it happened all over again.

  “Sure.”

  Joe chuckled and ran his hand through his hair. “So I was never going to mention this ever, but when I first started looking for you I searched through your apartment and found a receipt from Tiffany’s for an engagement ring.” He held out his hands and blew out some smoke.

  He held my gaze, but I broke eye contact and looked out to the darkness that spread across the shoreline. I’d gotten the most beautiful ring for Olivia. It suited her. It was like it was made for her.

  “I have a real bad habit of messing things up.” I returned my gaze to his.

  “I wouldn’t say that.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I actually thought you would have been against us seeing each other. Mainly because of my past.”

  “No. I wouldn’t have. Besides, I would have had to be some kind of fool if I didn’t know she thought the sun revolved around you. And you gave yourself away from the way you looked at her. Right from when you were kids.”

  “You knew from then?” Because I didn’t. I never started seeing her that way until she was about sixteen. And while Joe seemed cool now, I was certain he would have killed me dead if I tried anything with her. I was twenty-one when she was sixteen and had no business even contemplating her in my thoughts. The older she got, the worse it became.

  “She had a lot of questions about her Uncle Neal and Aunt Barb with their ten-year age difference,” he laughed. “It wasn’t that hard to guess she was thinking about you. I don’t think she ever looked at anybody the way she did with you.”

  “And she can do so much better.”

  “Well, if you aren’t sticking around, I’m inclined to agree. What are you up to, Sam? This job of yours doesn’t seem all there. Business development?”

  Great, he was suspicious. Definitely not what I needed.

  “Business development,” I replied, deciding I’d say no more. The less I said the better.

  “Well, if it’s what works for you then who can complain. This should be interesting seeing how this plays out. You working with Olivia on some level.”

  “You think that’s interesting, Joe?” I grinned. I really couldn’t imagine what could be so interesting. But then, he could have been right. Today’s mayhem most likely put that wheel in motion and I wasn’t sure what to do when next I saw her.

  “Don’t you?” He looked me over with curiosity.

  “I really think that I’ve done enough damage, and I…guess I just want to do what I came here to do and…”

  “Leave?” he offered. I didn’t miss the crestfallen look on his face.

  I lifted my shoulders slightly. “I’m not the guy I used to be, Joe.”

  “Is that a good or bad thing?”

  “My mindset has changed a lot.” The crew did a lot. A lot that could be deemed as the impossible, but for the last eight years it felt like I’d lived an aimless life with no real direction. I did my best on these missions, was glad I could us
e my skills for whatever good I could, but what was it all for?

  When you always took your personal feelings out of the equation, the only thing you were was a mindless automaton who did as you were told.

  “Alright. So how long do we have you for? Realistically.”

  “Two weeks tops,” I answered. This had to be done and dusted in two weeks. Any longer would be too difficult.

  “Well, you should see Olivia. Rekindle friendship. Outside work, I mean. It would be a good thing.” He offered a kind smile.

  I ran my hand over my beard and rested my hand in my lap. “She looks happy. She looks like she made it and she’s happy.”

  “Looks can be deceiving. She’s happy with her career, but we don’t really talk about life. Not the way we used to. I guess that’s because a big part of her life went missing when we lost Coop, and you left. Trust me, you should go see her.”

  Maybe he was right, but not for the reasons he intended. I should at least go see her and apologize for today.

  Even if I wasn’t sorry.

  Chapter 7

  Olivia

  Jada hugged her knees to her chest and leaned into the love seat. She just looked at me. It was the same response she gave me earlier when she first got here.

  At least she was here.

  She came over to my apartment, here to rescue me after I called her.

  All day I’d walked around like I was walking on a rope that was about to snap. Treading carefully because my poor brain had to work overtime to think straight.

  I thought about Sam and that kiss all day, until it consumed me.

  It may have been crazy stupid to someone else because it was just a kiss. To me it wasn’t, though.

  Somehow I went from A to Z, skipping over the path of logic and reasoning and found myself making out with my ex in the boardroom, just after my top client walked out of our meeting.

  “Jada, please say something,” I begged, grabbing another cupcake. This was my tenth one. She’d come armed with comfort food.