by C. W. Neill
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EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY
I’m driving down the road in my vintage ’65 FORD MUSTANG with my beautiful girlfriend, YASMINE BLEETH, at my side. I’m wearing cool sunglasses and my hair looks great and I do not have scoliosis.
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INT. ART SCHOOL - CLASSROOM
AMY (29, super-average-looking) enters and sits down in a chair. She’s nervous as this is her very first art class.
PROFESSOR WHATEVER enters.
PROFESSOR WHATEVER
Hello, class, I’m Professor Whatever. Welcome to Art 101. For those of you that used this class as an excuse to break up with your boyfriend who wants nothing more in the world than to love you and make you happy—how can you live with yourself?
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EXT. MIAMI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
Tired, and very much in need of a shower, BRIAN exits the airport and is immediately startled by a grinning WILL SMITH.
WILL SMITH
Welcome to Miami.
Will Smith hands Brian a copy of BAD BOYS II.
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EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Hundreds of YOUNG PEOPLE, most of them ASIAN, line the road while cheering and doing drugs. In the middle of the road, two CARS are in position to street race. They both look super-awesome, which is to be expected as outward appearance is very important in the world of street racing.
Suddenly three VELOCIRAPTORS show up and start eating some of the young Asian people.
NOTE: This movie will require dinosaurs.
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INT. CENTRAL PERK
ROSS and RACHEL enter and they are in a fight.
RACHEL
I can’t believe you would do that!
ROSS
Excuse me?! I can’t believe you would do that!
GUNTHER
(under his breath)
I can’t believe she would do you.
Then Ross just starts beating the shit out of Gunther.
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EXT. BACKYARD
A bunch of 20-SOMETHINGS have gathered for a HOUSE PARTY. Everyone is drinking DRINKS and smoking DRUGS and trying as hard as they can to eventually have SEX. Needless to say this party is so far off the hook it doesn’t even know where the hook is anymore.
Then all of a sudden THE COPS show up and they’re like:
COPS
Everyone FREEZE! You’re under arrest for partying too hard!
But all the PARTY PEOPLE are just like:
PARTY PEOPLE
Shut up, no we’re not.
So the Cops are like:
COPS
Dang it. OK.
And then they put their GUNS down and start partying, and now the hook is just long gone.
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INT. THE CAVE OF DESPAIR
OSTERIUS enters the cave, ever so carefully, sword drawn. He knows full well the evils that live within such dark and scary places. He won’t be fooled again.
Suddenly from the depths appears THE DRAGON. His giant, fiery EYES are an unfortunate and familiar sight to our hero.
Osterius pulls at his SHIRT COLLAR with his RIGHT HAND and makes this face like, “eeeeeyyyikes.”
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INT. KITCHEN
DERRICK is making some PASTA. Suddenly he realizes something—
DERRICK
Well, this is just too much pasta.
Then he realizes that he can just save some for lunch tomorrow and he nods like, “Good thinking, Derrick.”
Then he realizes how completely meaningless his life is.
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INT. BEDROOM
CHRIS and JULIE are lying in BED cuddling. Chris has his RIGHT ARM around Julie and he’s touching her BOOB and it’s cool (the boob).
Then, out of nowhere, Chris rips a MONSTER FART and it’s awesome (the fart) but Julie’s like:
JULIE
Ugh, GROSS!
So Chris is like:
CHRIS
Whatever, you’re gross. Get your boob outta my hand.
Then they get in a fight and decide to call it off (the wedding).
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INT. BATHROOM
TRAVIS (28, a grown adult man) stands in front of the mirror trying to shave, but he keeps screwing up and cutting himself.
TRAVIS
Man, I sure do wish my father would have taught me how to shave.
(beat)
I wish he would have taught me a lot of things...
Then Travis tries to cry, but he can’t because his father never told him it was OK for a man to cry sometimes, which it is.
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INT. HOUSE
OK, so it’s a murder scene. There are some FORENSIC GUYS walking around doing science stuff. There’s also some REGULAR COPS taking notes and drinking coffee. Plus there’s a DEAD BODY on the floor and it’s gross.
ACE VENTURA enters in a nice SUIT and a good HAIRCUT. Everyone stops what they’re doing and looks at him.
ACE VENTURA
All right then... what do we got?
And then the title’s like BOOM:
“ACE VENTURA: REGULAR DETECTIVE”
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EXT. STREET
BRAD and KEVIN are walking down the street. They just got off WORK, where they didn’t actually do any work, and now they’re probably going to meet some DUMB SLUTS at a STUPID BAR.
Then a TYRANNOSAURUS REX shows up out of nowhere and eats them both in one quick bite. EVERYONE ELSE starts to panic, but the Tyrannosaurus Rex has this look on his face like, “Nah, don’t worry about it, I’m full now.”
NOTE: This movie will require dinosaurs.
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INT. MY SUBCONSCIOUS
There are mozzarella sticks everywhere.
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EXT. GOLF COURSE
THE GUYS are enjoying some well-deserved HOLES (eighteen to be exact). It’s something they like to do at least once a week. They just love getting outdoors, taking in some fresh air, and engaging in some “friendly” competition—haha yeah right.
Not to mention, their KIDS are morons and their WIVES don’t ever shut the hell up.
So... Golf.
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EXT. BUILDING
ROSCOE and JACKSON run out of the building and take cover behind a GARBAGE TRUCK.
ROSCOE
See ya later, alligator.
He flips the switch on a DETONATOR and the building they just ran out of explodes to Kingdom Come.
Once the dust clears, Roscoe and Jackson look at each other for a few seconds and then say:
JACKSON ROSCOE
In a while, crocodile! In a while, crocodile!
Then they laugh uncontrollably for three minutes.
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EXT. HOT TUB
I’m sitting in a hot tub with five BEAUTIFUL FRENCH MODELS. None of them are wearing their BIKINI TOPS and I have the perfect amount of CHEST HAIR. It’s super-hot and wild and sexy, and I have a BONER, and it would have never happened if I was still dating Amy.
THANK GOD THAT’S OVER.
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EXT. SECTOR 43 - PLANET Z
TEMPLETON and RUIZ carefully walk through SECTOR 43, which is a FOREST ENVIRONMENT full of weird PLANTS and TWO-HEADED BIRDS because this is an ALIEN PLANET.
Suddenly, they hear something rustling behind a PURPLE BUSH. They turn, LASERS drawn, ready to defend themselves. Then, out of the bushes, appears this really tall ALIEN LADY and sh
e has three BOOBS and they’re huge. TEMPLETON’s all like:
TEMPLETON
Whoa...
But Ruiz is like:
RUIZ
Ugh, gimme a break.
Ruiz is a woman.
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INT. BAD GUY PLACE
All the BAD GUYS are hanging out doing bad guy stuff like running with SCISSORS, sitting too close to the TV, and taking the Lord’s name in vain.
Suddenly the GOOD GUY bursts through the door and he’s like:
THE GOOD GUY
Freeze, you bad guys!
And the Bad Guys are like:
THE BAD GUYS
Uh... no.
And then they just go right back to doing their bad guy stuff. So the Good Guy’s like:
THE GOOD GUY
Dang it. All right.
And he leaves.
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INT. DANCE HALL
All the SEXY GIRLS are dropping their BUTTS to the floor and all the FELLAS are going “aye yai yai.”
This one girl, FELICIA, has such a juicy butt that BRAD just can’t control himself and he starts grabbing for it like, “gimme gimme gimme.” But Felicia’s all like, “nuh uh,” and she does that Dikembe Mutombo finger thing.
Overall, Brad’s disappointed but he gets it. As much as he wanted to touch Felicia’s butt, he respects her for not letting him. Plus there’s plenty of other available butts.
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INT. A PLACE
MAIN CHARACTER (age, brief description) enters. He seems pretty upset.
MAIN CHARACTER
ANGER! FRUSTRATION!
COMIC RELIEF (age, brief description) pops up from behind a THING.
COMIC RELIEF
Uh, excuse me, something witty.
Main Character is so startled he drops all of his BAGUETTES.
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INT. MY PANTS
The party is in full swing.
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INT. OFFICE
RON sits at his desk, finishing up a REPORT. Once he’s done, he leans back in his chair and lets out a sigh of relief.
Then he looks at the clock—9:24 A.M. He just shrugs and says:
RON
Welp, that’s Mondays for ya.
Then he cries for like twenty minutes.
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INT. CLASSROOM
A bunch of rambunctious TEENAGERS are waiting for class to start. They clearly have no respect for authority, as they are throwing PAPER AIRPLANES, blowing BUBBLES with their BUBBLE GUM, and drawing WIENERS on their DESKS.
MR. B enters and he is BLACK and hopefully SAMUEL L. JACKSON.
PUNK KID
Who the hell are you?
Mr. B just punches the kid right in his STUPID UGLY FACE. Everyone is shocked.
MR. B
My name is Mr. B. I’m ya mothafuckin’ substitute teacher.
(beat)
Any other questions?
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EXT. STREET
Best gal pals JESS and MANDY are walking down the street getting in some good exercise and even a few laughs while they’re at it.
Up ahead they spot these two HOT GUYS headed their way and they get real excited and start thinking about what their WIENERS might look like (right?).
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INT. BALLROOM
There’s a big fund-raiser happening for kids or breast cancer or something. A bunch of FANCY LADIES and UPTIGHT GUYS are standing around drinking champagne and telling dirty jokes.
Suddenly a bunch of THUGS burst into the room and shoot their guns in the air. All of the Fancy Ladies and Uptight Guys start panicking, except for CHARLES. He knows exactly what he has to do. Good thing he brought his BALLPOINT PEN.
He pulls it out of his pocket and throws it across the room, hitting a power box and killing the lights.
THUG #1
Hey, what’s going on?!
*WOOSH* *WOOSH* *THUMP* *SMACK* *FWIP* *FWIP* *FWIP* *THUMP*
ALL THUGS
AGH! HEY! WHAT?! UGH!
Suddenly the lights turn back on, and all of the Thugs are dazed and tied up and have wieners drawn on their faces.
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INT. FANCY RESTAURANT
I’m on a date with a HOT BABE, again.
It’s going really well because I’m so charming and attractive and not balding. It’s clear now that the Hot Babe is gonna let me have sex with her, and honestly, I can’t wait. There’s nothing I would love to do more and there’s no reason I might cry afterward.
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EXT. BASEBALL FIELD
It’s a beautiful day at the BALLPARK, and a small CROWD has gathered to watch a BALL GAME. The HOME TEAM is in the field while the VISITING TEAM bats. The score is something to something else, it’s an inning, and there are some outs (maybe).
BATTER #4 steps up to the plate.
UMPIRE
PLAY BALL!
REMINDER: Find out if the Umpire really says that every time.
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INT. LIVING ROOM
JULES is finally putting it all together.
JULES
Oh my god, it all makes sense now! I knew he was cheating on me, I knew it! I would come home from work, and I could just tell someone had been in the bed, or that someone had just taken a shower, but his hair wasn’t wet or anything. No way he just took a shower. He was cheating on me, and he knew I was putting it together. He knew I would have divorced him right on the spot and taken every last cent. He had to get rid of me to protect his money.
(beat)
It was her... she’s the one who killed me. Oh my god! So all I gotta do is figure out how to pin the murder on her and I can finally cross over! That’s my unfinished business!
(beat)
And you’re gonna help me.
WHOOPI GOLDBERG
Oooooh, no! I am NOT doing this again!
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INT. OFFICE
PETE and KYLE are standing by the water cooler, shooting the proverbial shit.
STACY enters, and her BOOBS look super-fuckin’ sweet.
Pete and Kyle are all like, “whoa.”
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INT. MY WALLET
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Hello? Is anyone there?
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INT. MONICA AND RACHEL’S APARTMENT
MONICA and RACHEL are sitting on the couch talking about something really boring.
PHOEBE’s running around like an idiot.
KRAMER enters. What?!
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EXT. RANCH
ALAN is leading a herd of cattle into the corral.
His eldest son, JACK (28), brings up the rear, assuring no strays leave the heard. His middle son, TAYLOR (25), loads bales of hay into the feeding troughs. While his youngest son, RILEY (19), is apparently a “dancer” now.
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EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - STREET
DETECTIVE BECKETT is in a high-speed car chase with a WHITE VAN full of ROBBERS (four). They’re zigging and zagging through traffic, endangering the lives of INNOCENT BYSTANDERS. Detective Beckett is able to keep up with them just fine, but he knows he has to do something soon or people will die.
DETECTIVE BECKETT
Here, Rookie. Take the wheel.
The nervous ROOKIE (22, a rookie) takes the steering wheel as Beckett reaches into the backseat and grabs the ROCKET LAUNCHER. Then he rolls down his window and climbs out.
DETECTIVE BECKETT (CO
NT’D)
Keep ‘er steady, rook!
ROOKIE
OK.
Beckett waits for a clear shot, and... WHOOSH! He hits the van dead-on, and it explodes 100 percent and goes two hundred feet into the air. Beckett climbs back into the car and brings it to a stop.
DETECTIVE BECKETT
(to the Rookie)
Lesson number one: don’t forget that we have rocket launchers.
ROOKIE
OK.
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EXT. SHOPPING MALL - PARKING LOT
There’s CARS everywhere. I’d say at least two hundred. And that doesn’t even include the ones that are either coming or going. It’s urban chaos. (good phrase, remember that)
A large CHARTER BUS pulls into the lot, and it’s completely full of OLD PEOPLE.
Uh-oh... Here we go again!
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INT. ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S BEDROOM
PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN puts on his jacket and heads for the DOOR because he’s going to catch a PLAY.
Suddenly there is a bunch of LOUD NOISES and flashes of LIGHT, and then, as if from thin air, JACK TRAVIS (Jason Statham) appears in the middle of the room. President Lincoln is terrified.
JACK TRAVIS
Listen up, Mr. President. My name is Jack Travis and I am from the future. Your life is in danger and you need to come with me right now.
PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Ooh... yeah, it’s just- I gotta go catch this play. Can it wait?
Jack Travis makes this face like, “good grief.”
