by C. W. Neill
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EXT. THE UNIVERSE
Huh, that’s strange. THE WORLD is not revolving around AMY.
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INT. MY BANK ACCOUNT
A TUMBLEWEED rolls by. A TUMBLEWEED.
You get it.
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INT. DORM ROOM
STACEY is sitting at her DESK hard at work on some HOMEWORK because she is a COLLEGE STUDENT at COLLEGE.
Her roommate ANDREA enters.
ANDREA
Hey, Stacey. I just got these drugs from my friend Gary.
Andrea holds up a bag of DRUGS.
ANDREA (CONT’D)
Do you wanna do them with me and then maybe explore our sexualities?
STACEY
Oh, no thank you. I wanna make sure I’m super-boring when I’m older.
Andrea nods like, “Oh, that makes sense.”
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INT. BANK
A bunch of PEOPLE stand in a line waiting to make any number of MONETARY TRANSACTIONS.
JOSEPH enters, and boy is he handsome. He immediately grabs the attention of everyone he passes. Probably because he has great HAIR and his CLOTHES fit him properly and he’s got this perfect little smile on his face that almost isn’t a smile but it’s definitely a smile, ya know? He just makes you go, “Wow, look at him.”
JOSEPH
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please?
Everyone turns and looks at him like, “Who’s this guy?” Then he pulls out a MACHINE GUN.
JOSEPH (CONT’D)
I’ll be robbing you now.
Ohhhhhhh, he’s a burglar.
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EXT. PARK
RACHEL and MONICA are going for a jog while also having a casual conversation.
They’re wearing athletic, tight-fitting TOPS, so their BOOBS look great and they’re kind of bouncing a little bit.
Then... somebody breaks up with somebody? I don’t know.
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INT. STAN’S OFFICE
PETER sits in a CHAIR across from STAN, who sits at his DESK. Peter has a look of shock on his face.
STAN
You’re fired, Peter. I’m sorry.
PETER
Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me, Stan, you’re firing me?! After all these years! After everything I’ve done for this goddamn company! Just thrown to the street like some kind of... outdated piece of equipment?! ’Cause I’m inferior technology, right? You can go out and replace me with some fancy new machine. Just let the machines take over. Is that it? Like, fuckin’... Terminator Salvation. Just let the machines run the world! Well guess what, Stan. Machines don’t run the world, people run the world. And you know what people like and appreciate? CUSTOMER. SERVICE. You can’t get that from the machines, no way. There’s no customer service in Terminator Salvation. You see that movie? Terrible customer service. Because it’s the fuckin’ apocalypse, dude. We let the machines take over, and the whole world goes to shit! We start sacrificing quality customer service, and the next thing you know there’s fuckin’ Terminators around every corner just waiting to smash your skull in with their metal feet. CRUUUNCH! That’s your future, Stan. All because you decided to terminate quality customer service.
A beat.
STAN
That was a really cool speech... but you’re still fired—
PETER
I KNOW that!
INT. SCIENCE PLACE
DR. THOMPSON and his LADY ASSISTANT are very carefully doing some SCIENCE STUFF.
DR. THOMPSON
Just one more science thing... and I’ll have cured cancer.
LADY ASSISTANT
Unbelievable. You really are an amazing man, Dr. Thompson.
DR. THOMPSON
Oh my god I know that already shut the fuck up for a second.
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INT. CASINO
A bunch of PEOPLE are GAMBLING and DRINKING and RUINING THEIR MARRIAGES.
DANNY OCEAN enters and he looks really cool. Then fourteen OTHER GUYS (Brad Pitt, Casey Affleck, etc.) enter dressed like CASINO EMPLOYEES and walk off in different directions.
NOTE: Depending on how many Ocean’s have been made, the number of Other Guys can change. If we’re still at Thirteen, take one out. If Fifteen’s already been made, add one. You get it.
At least one hundred MONKEYS enter.
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INT. ADOLF HITLER’S OFFICE
ADOLF HITLER sits at his desk working on his GENOCIDE.
Suddenly there is a bunch of LOUD NOISES and flashes of LIGHT and then, as if from thin air, JACK TRAVIS (Jason Statham) appears in the middle of the room. Hitler’s pissed.
HITLER
(in German)
What is this?! Who the hell are you?!
JACK TRAVIS
Sorry... I don’t speak dick.
Then Jack Travis shoots Hitler in the HEAD with a GUN and his head explodes everywhere and it’s awesome.
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INT. LIVING ROOM
KRISTIN is doing her daily Tae Bo workout. She moves around according to the instructions given to her by a BLACK MAN on her TV, and she’s really workin’ up a good hot sweat.
Then her roommate TANYA enters with a bunch of SOY MILK. Probably. Right?
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EXT. HOUSE
ROY is sitting on the porch enjoying a nice cool glass of lemonade on a beautiful summer afternoon.
An ALLIGATOR walks buy wearing a suit and carrying a BRIEFCASE. He notices Roy and tips his CAP.
ALLIGATOR
Afternoon.
Roy just stares at the Alligator in shock for a few moments; then he remembers that he did a bunch of DRUGS a few minutes ago, so he’s like:
ROY
Ohhhhhh, OK. I get it.
(to Alligator)
Hello, Mr. Alligator!
ALLIGATOR
It’s actually Dr. Alligator.
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INT. DINER – NIGHT
It’s another quiet night at this hole-in-the-wall diner, the only customers being a few sad-looking TRUCK DRIVERS and one MYSTERIOUS MAN who sits at the counter. A WAITRESS approaches him with a POT OF COFFEE.
WAITRESS
More coffee, darlin’?
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Sure. But the name’s not “darlin’.”
The Mysterious Man looks up dramatically to reveal that he’s actually:
HARRY POTTER
It’s Potter. Harry Potter.
Then Harry Potter pulls out a GUN and robs the place blind.
NOTE: “robs the place blind” is just a figure of speech. Harry Potter will not be blind in this film.
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EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE - MORNING
It’s a beautiful morning in Washington, D.C.
THE PRESIDENT walks outside with a CUP OF COFFEE in his hand. He likes to take in a little fresh air each morning before he starts his day. Then he hears a strange sound and looks up into the sky.
There’s a MISSILE headed straight for him.
THE PRESIDENT
Ah, dang it.
BOOM. The White House is blown to smithereens.
INT. TERRORIST HEADQUARTERS - CONTINUOUS
All the TERRORISTS celebrate via high fives. Except for the HEAD TERRORIST, who sits perfectly still. He knows this is only beginning of the:
TITLE CARD: “BEST WAR EVER”
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EXT. PARK
AMY (29, not that important) is on a walk. Then suddenly some STE
GOSAURUSES show up and start ripping her apart. They’re herbivores by nature, but they just couldn’t look at her stupid ugly face for one more second, so they ate her.
NOTE: This movie will require dinosaurs.
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EXT. OUTDOOR BASKETBALL COURT
A crowd of mostly young BLACK PEOPLE stand around the court getting “buck wild” (slang term) as nine BLACK GUYS and one WHITE GUY are on the court playing a heated, but clean, game of 5-on-5 basketball. And let me tell ya, the atmosphere is electric. I mean, guys are dunking, and dribbling, and behind the back passing and just overall “balling” (slang term).
WHITE GUY
Here you go, ball! Ball, ball! Ball, ball, ball!
But he doesn’t get the ball ’cause he’s a “buster” (slang term?).
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INT. BEDROOM
GEORGE and BETH are engaging in some sensual foreplay that we can only assume will lead to cool sex.
George squeezes her LEFT BOOB for a little bit, then her RIGHT BOOB for a little bit. Then he squeezes both boobs at the same time. Sweet. Then Beth’s like, “Oh yeah? Watch this.” And she puts her hand down his pants and touches his WIENER a bunch! Sweet. So George is like, “Oh yeah?!” And he does that thing where you take someone’s nose and show it to them.
GEORGE
Got your nose!
Sweet?
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INT. CLEOPATRA’S PRIVATE BATH HOUSE (BATHROOM?)
CLEOPATRA is taking a MILK BATH and she’s really into it.
Suddenly there is a bunch of LOUD NOISES and flashes of LIGHT, and then, as if from thin air, JACK TRAVIS (Jason Statham) appears in the middle of the room. Cleopatra is startled to say the least.
JACK TRAVIS
(so sexy)
Mind if I join you?
Cleopatra makes this face like, “Uhhhh, no I don’t!”
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INT. BOWLING ALLEY
A bunch of FAT SLOBS are BOWLING. This one Fat Slob, JOEY, is the best and everyone knows it. He’s just throwing one STRIKE after another, and EVERYONE ELSE is watching him and cheering.
STEVE “STRIKEMAN” JACKSON enters. Everyone gasps.
PERSON #1
That’s Strikeman Jackson! He’s the best champion that ever lived!
PERSON #2
Strikeman Jackson? I thought he retired!
PERSON #1
I guess not.
PERSON #3
Who the hell cares, Strikeman’s back!
REMINDER: Think of a better nickname than “Strikeman.” That’s fairly stupid.
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EXT. A PERFECT WORLD
Scoliosis is considered “really cool.”
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INT. OR EXT. WHEREVER.
Some PEOPLE are doing some STUFF.
Then some OTHER PEOPLE show up and they’re like:
OTHER PEOPLE
Hey. Stop doing that stuff.
And the first People are like:
PEOPLE
Excuse me?! You can’t tell us what to do!
Then they just kinda go back and forth like that for a while and, ya know, it’s pretty interesting. But then, it starts to get really crazy and it looks like all is lost. But then, some resolution happens. And everybody’s like, “phew.”
I mean so overall it’s gonna be a really good movie.
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INT. FANCY RESTAURANT
ASHLEY and NICK are on their first date. Nick seems really nervous. Probably because he thinks Ashley is just the most beautiful woman in the whole wide world.
Meanwhile, Ashley does not seem nervous. Probably because she thinks Nick is boring and ugly and stupid and probably listened to way too much John Mayer in college.
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INT. MY OFFICE
I’m interviewing BRAD PITT for a potential role in my upcoming HIT FILM and my HAIR looks better than his.
ME
Look, it’s nothing personal, I just don’t think you’re right for the role, B-rad.
BRAD PITT
Oh, come on man, please! I really need this. I wanna be in your movie so bad! Like, so bad. You are the best. You’re so good at making movies and I am literally desperate to be in one. Please.
I think for a moment then sigh.
ME
All right.
Brad Pitt is so excited he falls backwards in his CHAIR and gets super-embarrassed because he’s so insecure.
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EXT. CEMETERY
It’s raining.
TROY CARTER stands next to a COFFIN with a few other people around him. The contents of the coffin? His dead wife Melissa.
An unmarked car pulls up next to the funeral. Troy notices the car. He tries to see who’s in the car, but the windows are tinted. Something’s not right; he’s seen that car before. The tension builds a bunch as we cut back and forth between Troy’s face looking at the car and the car.
Then a bunch of DOVES fly in front of the car, and once they’re clear, Troy sees the window roll down just enough for someone to stick a GUN out the window. It’s MCMAHON (the bad guy).
TROY
Everybody down!
Troy pushes some OLD LADY to the ground right as the bullets start flying. He dives over the coffin containing his dead wife Melissa and pulls out his matching GOLD PISTOLS and starts firing at the car.
MCMAHON
(facetiously)
I just came to pay my respects!
*BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* (gunshots)
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INT. CASTLE OF KRIBERIA
Various PEASANTS and SLAVES walk throughout the castle completing any number of daily TASKS.
KING GREGARIOUS is on a casual walk with his son LEONUS.
KING GREGARIOUS
Someday, Leonus, this entire kingdom will be yours.
LEONUS
OK, yeah, cool. But what if, like, hypothetically, I wanted to be, I don’t know... a poet or a dancer or something? Hypothetically!
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INT. LIVING ROOM
JONATHAN
I’m sorry, son. I know I don’t deserve it, but I’d just really like to be a part of your life.
BRIAN
Oh, well sorry, Pops, a little too late for that! Where were you when I really needed you, huh?! Where were you when I was just a young, lonely, hungry child that needed nothing more than the loving touch and stern guidance of a father figure, huh? Where were you then?!
Jonathan doesn’t know what to say.
BRIAN (CONT’D)
Where were you when I started getting boners in fifth grade and I literally had no fucking idea what the hell was happening to me? I was terrified! I didn’t know what a boner was! And there was no adult male in my life that I felt comfortable asking what was happening to my wiener. I thought I was an alien or a mutant or something. Because my wiener was growing and getting harder. I thought I had a really weird superpower or something. Like I could maybe... use it as a weapon to fight crime. And I had to live with that really stupid idea in my head for years because you weren’t there to tell me that it was just a boner and everybody gets boners. It’s totally natural, it’s for sex.
(beat)
So no thanks, Dad. I don’t really need you in my life now. Because I already know what boners are for. Thanks for nothin’.
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EXT. STREET
DETECTIVE BROADWAY walks down the street. He’s wearing the coolest SHADES you’ve ever seen. They’re perfect for his face. And his hair? Amazing. Just flowing in the wind
. He’s wearing a suit, but he doesn’t look like a “Suit,” you know what I mean? He just looks good. Maybe a little too good...
He pulls a DETONATOR out of his pocket and pushes the RED BUTTON.
BOOM! The BANK behind him explodes but he barely reacts and just keeps walking, so I guess he’s a terrorist now...
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EXT. YANKEE STADIUM
It’s a beautiful day at Yankee Stadium as the Baltimore Orioles are in town.
Bottom of the fourth, one out. DEREK JETER steps up the plate. First pitch, and... CRACK! He hits it deep to right field. The right fielder runs back as fast as he can, but it doesn’t matter as the ball goes over the fence for a HOME RUN and hits AMY (29, dumb idiot) in the head and kills her.
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EXT. PARKING LOT
JASON pulls up in his STUPID CAR and parks.
Then he gets out and puts on his STUPID JACKET and even STUPIDER SUNGLASSES.
Then a COP shows up and arrests him for being THE WORST.
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INT. RESTAURANT
It’s Friday night, and TIFFANY, GRACE, and RITA are getting their proverbial “drink on” in an attempt to forget about how miserable their day-to-day lives are. You can tell they’re having a really good time because they are literally letting their HAIR down.
The WAITER approaches.
WAITER
Can I get you ladies anything else?
TIFFANY
Ooh! Yes. Could I get a decent man with a stable career, please?
Then they all laugh so hard that they start crying uncontrollably. On account of the laughter.
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INT. MY OFFICE
I’m talking to superstar celebrity JENNIFER ANISTON about potentially being in my next MAJOR MOTION PICTURE.
