“We will, Mom. We’ll see you in a few days,” Sam assured me.
Again, I nodded, and I stood with Jimmy and the girls as Sam and Carey pulled out of the driveway.
“Well, It’s just us. What should we do?” It was Saturday, and the whole day stretched in front of us.
“Can we go to the mall, Mom? I could really use some new jeans.” Jimmy rarely asked for anything, content with hand me downs from Sam and Carey.
“That sounds like a great idea! We’ll make a day of it.” I bent to envelope the girls in a tight hug. “We should get you guys some new clothes too. Maybe a pretty sweater? A new skirt?”
“Yes, Mommy!” Maggie said with excitement.
“Can I get a purple one?” Jessie pleaded.
I laughed, and it startled me. It felt good to laugh. It felt good to plan a trip to the mall with the kids, to anticipate something simple.
“You can get a purple sweater! I think I’ll look for a purple sweater too. And then we can have lunch, and maybe even see a movie. How does that sound?”
The kids all nodded their agreement and ran into the house to get shoes on. I went upstairs to my room.
My room. It wasn’t our room any more.
Chapter 6
Taylor Swift came on the radio, and the girls started singing. They didn’t know all the words, but they gamely tried their best. I even heard Jimmy humming. We were healing. If I was being honest, a part of me was relieved. It felt good to be able to put one foot in front of the other, to move forward without knowing we were going to have to take two steps backwards. Brian had a large insurance policy, and to be honest, it would keep us comfortable for a while. The girls were wrapping up second grade, and realistically, I didn’t have to go back to work, but maybe that’s what I needed. Maybe doing something would feel good, something more than being the young widow with five kids.
“J?” I asked Jimmy, and he turned to look at me.
“Mom?”
“How would you feel if I went back to work?”
“I would feel fine, Mom. If it makes you happy, it will make all of us happy.”
I cut to the heart of the matter. “Well, I’ve decided then. Monday, I think I’ll start looking. Maybe I’ll buy a new suit today.”
“Great... Wait? Does that mean I have to sit around while you try on suits?” Jimmy didn’t seem to be looking forward to that.
“Yep. A man’s eye always helps.”
He rolled his eyes, but I caught a quick smile out of the corner of my eye.
Healing.
Chapter 7
My phone rang three hours later as we were standing in some surf shop, or skateboard shop, or just a really loud store as Jimmy tried on jeans.
“Hello?”
The store’s music was growing louder.
“Hey, Mom! Can you hear me? Where are you?”
I could barely hear, and I motioned for the girls to stay where they were as I walked out into the mall. “Hi, Carey! I took the kids to the mall to get a few things. I don’t know where we are. Some store that your brother wanted to go into. You guys okay?”
“Yep, we’re good. We’re in North Carolina. I think we’re only about an hour from Durham.”
“You guys eating, or just stop for gas?”
“No, Sam wanted to go to some hot dog joint. Mom, it’s so funny. There’s a picture of Dad and Sam on the wall. Dad has like four hot dogs in his mouth!”
I could hear the laughter in his voice, and a part of me was jealous. Carey could look at a picture of Brian and remember the good times, the laughter, the joy. I wanted to be there with him. I wanted to remember the happiness he gave me, the joy we shared, yet I was glad that Carey was in a place that allowed him to do that. I didn’t like to see the kids hurting. I could hold my pain inside, close to my heart as we all healed.
“Yeah, didn’t they stop at a restaurant a while back to do a hot dog challenge?” I quizzed him.
Carey laughed, and I could hear Sam in the background, “Yeah, but Sam failed epicly! Dad finished it though. Hey, wait a second—”
Carey’s voice got smaller, and then I heard Sam come on the line. “Hey, Mom. Almost there.”
“So I heard! You guys made good time.”
I knew he could hear the reproach in my voice. You better not be speeding was what I was really saying, and Sam caught that.
“We did, Mom.” He soothed my fears, “I promise we aren’t driving too fast or recklessly. There’s been almost no traffic. Not even through Richmond.”
He was a good boy. No sighing. No “God, Mom!” He understood where I was coming from.
“Okay. Well, I took the kids to the mall to get a few things for school. Let me go see how Jimmy’s doing, and you guys call when you get to Duke, okay?”
Sam assured me they would. “Mom?” He called to me before I hung up.
“Yeah?”
“I love you.” He sounded so young in that moment. I pictured a tiny little boy in an impossibly small suit. On our wedding day, Sam had stood at the altar with us. I wasn’t just marrying Brian. I was accepting this little boy as my own, and more than once over the years, I have realized that it wasn’t blood that made us family. It was so much more than that.
“I love you too, sweetie. Be safe!” I answered him, and we hung up.
I sagged against the wall. “Brian,” I said quietly, “you’re missing it.”
I allowed myself another moment to sulk. Then I took a deep breath, pushed myself up, and went into the store.
“Mommy, Jimmy is taking FOREVER!” Maggie complained.
“Yeah, what’s taking him so long?” Jessie chimed in.
“I’m done!” Jimmy came out of the dressing room holding two pairs of jeans. “Okay. Now we can go, and you brats can get your green sweaters.”
Jimmy smiled at the girls, and they caught his teasing, “Purple!” They shouted in unison.
“We want purple sweaters!’ Jessie clarified. “Green is for boys!”
“Really? But you two goobers would look so cute in green and brown sweaters.” He let it hang. Their two least favorite colors.
I took the jeans from him and pulled him to me. “I love you, kiddo.”
He slid his arm around my waist and squeezed. “Me too, Mom. Me too.”
God, I hope the boys never get too cool to give their mom a hug.
I left Jimmy and the girls to their teasing and went up to the counter to pay for the jeans.
* * *
“Eighty-four dollars!” I exclaimed in mock anger as I handed the bag to Jimmy. “I could have bought you four pairs for that at Old Navy.”
“Oh, if that’s too much, Mom, it’s cool. Just return them…” Jimmy looked stressed out.
I laughed. “Honey, I’m teasing. It’s fine. They look great on you.”
“Yeahhh...” Maggie sing-songed, “Maybe now Claudia will pay attention to you.”
“Oohh… you want her to look at your butt!” Jessie thought her addition was hilarious.
I looked at Jimmy, who was a bright shade of red. “Jimmy Klevan! Do you have a girlfriend?”
“No, but he likes a girl named Claudia. We heard him talking about her with Ant.” Maggie interjected before Jimmy could respond.
Ant, short for Anthony, had been Jimmy’s best friend since kindergarten. The two boys shared everything, and Ant had really stepped up when Brian died. When so many of the kids’ friends had nothing to say, Ant had been there for Jimmy, Carey, the girls, and even for me. He and his parents were true friends.
“Really?” I turned my attention to the girls, who apparently had the scoop. “And who is this Claudia?”
“She’s a girl in Jimmy’s grade at school. She came to Daddy’s funeral,” Maggie informed me.
I searched my memory. Brian had been well-liked in our community, and his funeral was well attended, but someone stood out.
“The girl with the long red hair?” I asked Jimmy, who again blushed. “Oh, Jimmy. She�
��s pretty!”
* * *
And she was. At the funeral, a tiny girl with long red hair and luminous green eyes had approached me as I stood with Amy. Ant’s parents—Anthony, Sr., and Bee—were also with us. I remember because Maggie was distraught, and I was struggling to hold her. Anthony, Sr., had just offered to take her when I felt a small hand touch my shoulder.
“Mrs. Klevan?”
I turned around to see a young lady with her eyes full of tears.
“Yes?” Curiosity must have filled my voice. I had never seen the girl before.
“My name is Claudia. I’m a friend of Jimmy’s...” She paused for a moment. “I just wanted to tell you that I was sorry for your loss. Your husband came on our class field trip last year, and he was really cool.”
I remembered that! I was going to chaperone the field trip to Busch Gardens, a local amusement park, but I had gotten sick, and Brian had gamely filled in.
I gave her a hug and thanked her.
“He was pretty cool, wasn’t he?” I smiled through my own tears.
“Yes, ma’am. Some of the kids didn’t have enough money for lunch, and I remember he just said, ’Lunch on me!’ He paid for the whole class! Even the teachers. He rode on all the rides with us and danced during the shows. He was so much fun.”
She stopped, and I just let the tears trail down my face.
“Oh… Mrs. Klevan. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry! I wasn’t trying to upset you.”
“No!” I said to her, “Thank you for sharing that with me. I needed that.”
And I did. For just a moment I pictured Brian riding the roller coasters with Jimmy and his friends. I pictured him buying lunch for 50 kids, instead of just the few that didn’t have money. And I smiled. The image of my vital husband broken and battered in the morgue was gone, and for a moment all I saw was his smile.
She hugged me one more time and told me again how sorry she was for our loss, and then she walked away.
* * *
“Jimmy! She’s pretty!” I teased him.
“Mom, really? Please don’t encourage them!”
I could see the girls were gearing up for another round of teasing, and I held up my hand.
“Girls, okay. Jimmy’s right. If Jimmy wants to wear fancy jeans so some girl checks out his butt, that’s okay, right?”
The girls and I burst out laughing, and Jimmy tried in vain to hold it in, if only to give us dirty looks. But that didn’t last long, and before I knew it, Jimmy was laughing along with us.
“Jimmy?” I heard a tentative voice behind us. “Jimmy! Hi!”
Speak of the devil. I turned around, and guess who it was?
“Hey, Claudia.” To his credit, Jimmy sounded cool. “You remember my mom? And these are my younger sisters, Jessie and Maggie.”
“Hi, Mrs. Klevan. It’s nice to see you again.”
Boy, this girl was polite.
“Hi, Claudia. Nice to see you again as well.”
She turned to Jessie and Maggie. “Hey, you guys like Forever 21 too? I just got the coolest shirt there!”
And that was it. The girls fell in love. I could see how excited they were to be accepted by this beautiful teenager, and just like that, Claudia captured my heart as well. If Jimmy didn’t want to date her, maybe Carey would!
“Umm... Jimmy, what are you doing later?” Claudia asked shyly.
“I don’t know.” He turned to me. “Mom, what are we doing later?”
“Well”—I looked at my watch—“it’s almost 5. We could get something to eat. Or maybe see a movie, if there’s anything playing.”
“Sounds good,” Jimmy answered and looked at me, raising an eyebrow. And just like that I knew what he wanted. I nodded my head.
“Claudia, want to come with us?” Jimmy asked. Boy, he was smooth. His older brothers were teaching him well.
“Umm... I’m here with my mom and dad. I have to ask them.” She gestured to a couple coming out of Old Navy, and waved them over.
“Claudia, introduce us to your friends?” Claudia’s mother said as she gave me a perfect smile.
“Mom, Dad, this is Jimmy, his sisters, Maggie and Jessie, and his mom.” Claudia, who looked just like her mother, gestured to each of us in turn.
I stuck my hand out. “Please call me Julie. It’s nice to meet you both.”
Her mother warmly grasped my hand, and for just a second I saw the sympathy in her eyes.
Please don’t say it. Please don’t say it!
“Julie, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Becca, and this is my husband, Sal.”
Claudia’s mom was okay in my book.
I turned to Claudia’s father and smiled at him. He shook my hand and smiled back at me. Then he turned to Jimmy.
“I’ve heard a lot about you, young man.” His tone was warm, and Jimmy returned his gaze.
“Yes, sir. It’s nice to meet you.”
I was enjoying this. Seeing Jimmy talk to Claudia’s parents. Watching him interact with Claudia. It was a sign that Brian and I did something right. Well, maybe a bit of Sam and Carey thrown in for good measure.
“Mom, it’s okay if Claudia comes with us, right?” Jimmy asked.
“Sure, if it’s okay with her parents.” I turned to Claudia’s parents. “We’ll probably just get something to eat. We were thinking about a movie, but I don’t even know what’s playing today.”
Becca nodded with a smile and began, “It’s fi—”
“Mom, can we see The Croods?” Maggie piped up, “Please! Heather said it was so funny!”
“Oh, Mags. I don’t know if Jimmy wants to see that,” I told her.
“No, sounds good to me. I heard it was pretty funny as well,” Jimmy replied and was rewarded with beaming smiles from his little sisters, “Claudia? What do you think?”
“Works for me. Sounds like fun!” She seemed game for anything.
“Well, I guess it’s dinner and The Croods,” I relayed to Becca.
Jimmy had his phone out and was already checking the time, “Next one starts at 8. Since it’s only 5, we have plenty of time to eat.”
“Mom? I’ll text you when the movie starts,” Claudia petitioned her mom.
“And I can drive her home after the movie since it may be a bit late. Of course, if that’s okay with you both,” I added.
“Sure! Works for me,” Becca noted as her husband nodded in agreement. “Sounds like they’ll all have a wonderful time. Are you sure it’s okay?”
“Absolutely,” I assured her and got out a pen and found a piece of scrap paper. I scribbled my cell phone number on it and handed it to Becca. “Here is my cell number, if you need anything.”
She looked at me, and again for just a second I saw the pity. But only for a second, and I appreciated how quickly this woman seemed to grasp my desire for normalcy. I didn’t need to constantly be reminded that I was a widow. She thanked me for allowing Claudia to tag along, and I saw her hand some money to Claudia.
And then it was the five of us heading out in search of some food.
* * *
“Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!” The twins chanted when I asked what everyone wanted.
“T.G.I. Friday’s?” Jimmy asked me.
I shrugged.
“Cool.” Jimmy led the way while Claudia and the twins followed tittering and giggling. I brought up the rear and simply enjoyed the moment.
“Oh crap!” I remembered what I wanted to get at the mall in the first place.
Jimmy got off the escalator and turned to me, “You okay, Mom?”
“Yeah, I just wanted to get something for Monday. Remember?”
He nodded and was about to say something, but I cut him off.
“You guys just go ahead. I’m going to run to the store real quick, and I’ll meet you there.”
“Mom, it’s cool. We can come.” Jimmy was trying to reassure me.
I waved him off. “Nope, I think I saw something in Ann Taylor that is exactly what I had in mind. I’ll be quick.
Go ahead and order an appetizer and your drinks, something like that. I’ll be right there.”
I was already heading to the escalators when the kids waved and headed into the restaurant. It didn’t look crowded, so hopefully they could get a seat relatively quickly. I spied the store ahead of me, and I quickened my pace.
And then I saw him. Up ahead, for just a second, I saw a man. His hair was longer, and he was thinner, but—
Brian? My hand went to my throat, and I stopped. I stopped so abruptly that someone bumped into me.
“Oh. I’m sorry.” I turned as a young man looked at me and kept walking.
I looked ahead again, but the man was gone. Right after Brian was killed, I saw him everywhere. Every man that was about his height, that had a shirt like his, or hair the same color. I saw Brian at every turn. I would wake up at night and still feel him close to me, and my heart would break. For months I slept on the same set of sheets, refusing to wash them. I left the laundry in our hamper and would find myself holding his favorite work shirt, and for just a moment I could feel him in it. But I had started to move forward these past few weeks. I thought I was making some progress.
No! NO! I wasn’t going to fall back down the hole. Brian had blond hair and blue eyes as do lots of men. It’s bound to happen. I shook it off, looked around, and walked into Ann Taylor.
Twenty minutes later, I was the proud owner of a smartly cut, black suit and a gorgeous turquoise blouse. My favorite color. Even if I didn’t get a job, I would look good trying. I slung the suit over my arm and carried the bag containing my blouse with the other hand. I decided to run out to the car and put everything away before joining the kids. I hurried to the mall exit, which was just a few doors down and opened the door into the unusually, warm February air. The change in temperature took my breath away for a moment as I struggled with my bags.
“Here, let me grab that for you.” A deep voice came out of nowhere.
It was him! The man I saw. The man I thought was Brian. I stopped and stared and saw the differences. This man was shorter than my husband, and thinner. His hair was darker, and he was younger.
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