“Ma’am, are you okay?” He asked me with concern.
I nodded my head and smiled. “I’m sorry. You just... You reminded me of someone I knew once. Thank you.”
I took my bag from him and walked to my car. I used to know Brian. I really knew him.
Do I still know him? Do memories count? Dreams? Wishes?
I knew him.
* * *
“What’s taking Mommy so long?” Jessie asked, her voice close to whining.
“I’m here. Here I am. Mommy’s here!” I slid into the booth, just as Jimmy was starting to answer her. “Sorry, guys. I found exactly what I wanted, but I didn’t want to be stuck carrying it around, so I ran it out to the car.”
“It’s cool. We ordered drinks, Mom. I got you a sweet tea. Is that okay?” Jimmy asked.
“That works!”
“And we got some nachos too.”
“Oh, cool. Sounds good.” I was suddenly starving.
“So what did you get Mrs. Klevan?” Claudia asked me.
“I found a really nice black suit and a gorgeous blouse. My favorite color too.”
“Blue-green! Mommy’s favorite color is blue-green.” Maggie chirped.
“Yep, that’s what Daddy always said. Blue-green just like her eyes,” Jessie recalled.
I smiled, and enjoyed the feeling. Hearing the kids talk about Brian was getting easier. I didn’t want them to forget the good times. And I feared they would. Especially if I cried every time they mentioned him. For a while, I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. But this day? This day felt different.
I missed him. I missed him with all that I was. But the hole, that hole in the pit of my stomach seemed a little less empty on this day. And it felt good.
“Daddy did say that, didn’t he?” I asked the girls, squeezing their hands over the top of the table.
“He did! And for Mother’s Day, he always looked for that jewelry he said you were pretty in. What was it again, Jimmy?” Maggie was puzzled.
“Turquoise, Mag Pie. Dad always bought Mom a piece of turquoise and silver jewelry for Mother’s Day.”
It was a bittersweet moment.
“Daddy got us some earrings like that, right, Mom?” Jessie asked.
“He did. For your birthday last year. Aren’t you wearing them today?” I leaned over and moved Jessie’s hair out of the way to peer at her ears.
“I am! Look, Claudia. Aren’t they pretty?” Maggie leaned over and showed Claudia the tiny silver wolves with turquoise around their necks.
Brian had been thrilled when he found them, saying they would be perfect for the girls, who had just gotten their ears pierced. I remembered how excited he was. He didn’t even wait for their birthday party. Instead, he gave them to them that morning, telling them they would be as pretty as me, and that the color was beautiful on them. The girls loved those earrings. They wore them almost every day.
“Maggie. Those earrings are beautiful!” Claudia was genuinely interested. “I like them a lot. And they look so pretty. Here, you should do this to your hair so everyone can see them.”
Claudia pushed Maggie’s hair behind her ears, and sure enough, the tiny earrings sparkled. Maggie preened, and Jessie quickly did the same to her hair. My girls.
“Hey, I have an idea. Daddy bought you those earrings here. Let’s finish up dinner and go pick out some new earrings.” I offered.
“For me?” Jessie asked.
“Me too?” Maggie joined in.
“Sure! I think I would like a new pair as well. Claudia, how about you?”
“Mrs. Klevan, you don’t have to do that!” But I could see the excitement in her eyes.
“I know, but it will be fun. Jimmy’s father bought me a piece of turquoise jewelry for Mother’s Day for almost 18 years, and I love each and every piece. I don’t want the tradition to stop. So why not? I’ll continue it!”
After that, dinner was lively. The kids talked about school. They told horrible jokes, and we laughed. After I paid the check we got up and made our way to the tiny jewelry store that only sold silver. Everything Silver. Horrible name, great stuff.
“Mommy, I like these!” Maggie excitedly pointed to some tiny butterflies with turquoise wings.
“Oh. Those are pretty! They would look good on you, Mag. I like these.” Jessie pointed to flowers with blue petals.
And then I saw them. Silver hoops, with turquoise inlay. Gorgeous.
“Claudia, find anything?” I asked.
She shyly pointed to some tiny roses, similar to the pair Jessie coveted.
“Those would look beautiful on you,” Jimmy pointed out, and he was right. The turquoise would be lovely with her pale skin and thick red hair.
“Looks like we all found our earrings,” I declared.
The sales associate helped us with our purchases, and the three girls all decided to wear theirs right away. I put mine away and decided they would bring me luck in my search for a job. These earrings represented acceptance to me. I would cherish everything we had, all that Brian gave us, but I was also coming to realize that I had a choice to make. I could see him around every corner and hear his voice at night. Or I could hold on to the good times and remember that he would want us all to make new memories and figure out our way without him. He would hate it if his death broke me, so I was making a choice not to let it. In a way, I felt it was the only choice I could make. If I continued to wallow in my own pity, the kids would do the same. They would start to think that the good times brought too much pain, and that is all they would come to associate with their Dad. How could I do that to them?
“Mommy?” Jessie was tugging on my arm.
“Oh, sorry. What’s up?”
“Can we go play putt-putt? Instead of the movie?” Jessie asked, but the four kids all looked at me expectantly. “Please? And ride the bumper boats?”
“You mean Funland?” Ugh. Funland on a Saturday night?
“Please, Mommy? We haven’t been in a long time!” Jessie urged. She was right. I didn’t even remember the last time we went to Funland. Though that was more Brian’s thing than mine. Way too much going on there. The noise. The lights. It always drove me crazy. But...
“Okay. Sure. Why not?” I was game. How bad could it be?
* * *
Really bad! I think everyone had the same idea as the kids. There were at least 10 people at each hole on the miniature golf course, and the kids waited in line for 35 minutes to ride the bumper boats. But they laughed, and joked, and waved to friends. I ended up sitting on a bench, looking at a magazine I had bought at the mall. And finally, the kids ran up to me breathless and laughing.
“Mom, thanks a bunch.” Jimmy gave me a quick hug, “We had so much fun!”
I smiled and hugged him back. “I’m glad. You guys done?”
“Mommy!” Jessie and Maggie cried in unison and climbed onto the bench.
“We got our own bumper boats. And I beat Jimmy and Claudia at golf!” This from Maggie, who was just as competitive as her father, maybe even more so.
“You did!” I was surprised, but I thought it was hilarious.
The kids gathered me up off the bench, and we made our way to the car. They regaled me with stories from the miniature golf course, and told me about the nasty kid on the bumper boats that chased them down. Everyone climbed in the car, and I sighed happily as I got behind the wheel.
This was a really great night!
Chapter 8
His eyes flew open, and he struggled to breath. His head hurt. He tried to bring his hands up to his head, but he winced in pain as his arms smashed into something—something above him.
The air was musty, but his eyes were adjusting to the blackness that surrounded him. His throat was dry.
“Thirsty...” It took too much effort to get the word out, but with each breath he took, he felt stronger, more alert—more... alive!
He took a deep breath and pushed his arms up...
Chapter 9
T
he next few months were busy. The four younger kids finished up their classes with their friends. Carey and Jimmy were able to pull up their grades, which had understandably fallen after Brian died. The girls trudged right on ahead, happy to be with their friends, and glad that it finally seemed to be okay to laugh again. There were birthday parties and end of the year parties, and slammed doors when I told Carey that he was not going to the beach with his friends with no parental supervision.
I got to wear my new suit a few times. Since the kids were starting to smile more, I found myself wanting to just enjoy that. So my new suit hung in my closet and made an appearance for only a handful of interviews. If truth be told, my job search was really half-assed. For the time being, I was going to enjoy the feeling of healing. The job search could wait.
Sam found a job and signed up for classes at the local community college. It was a sore spot with us. I assumed he would transfer to one of the local universities near us, and he didn’t see a point in paying all that money for his general education classes. We went back and forth, and I vented to Amy and Bee.
“Seriously! He goes from Duke to junior college! What the hell?” I was angry, and yet I didn’t understand why I was so annoyed.
“Jules,” Bee, ever the calm one, said, “relax. There’s nothing wrong with junior college.”
“I went to junior college my first two years.” Amy pointed out.
“No, I know.” I looked at Amy trying to assure her that I meant no offense. “It’s just that Duke was their dream!”
Brian and Sam were all about Duke. Duke basketball, Duke soccer, even Duke football. They had T-shirts and pennants. They went to games. It was their dream, and now that dream was over. And I said as much to my friends.
Amy shook her head and held up her glass for a refill. “No, it isn’t, Jul. That dream is on hold. It isn’t over.”
Margarita night with the girls. I poured more into Amy’s glass.
Bee picked up the train of thought. “Amy’s right. Sam misses his father, and let’s be real... that was always their thing. They did it together. He might feel… well, weird pursuing this without Brian.”
Maybe they were right.
I nodded, and, with mixed emotions, replied, “I get it. And no one says he can’t go back next year, right?”
“Exactly!” Amy clapped her hands. “Or his junior year. And, Jules, even if he doesn’t go back, it doesn’t mean that he won’t remember what Brian wanted for him. It doesn’t mean that the memories will mean nothing.”
“You guys...” I wiped the tears on my face. “No, no. I’m just glad I have you. Without the two of you, I don’t know if I could have gotten through all of this.”
“Yes, you would have. You’re stronger than you know.” Bee smiled at me and reached across the table to take my hand.
“She’s right, lady. You have balls of steel. You would have been okay, with or without us. We’re just here for a little moral support.” Amy joined our hands together, and I looked at my friends with gratitude.
“Thanks, guys. Whatever would have happened, I’m glad I didn’t have to find out. I’m glad you guys were here with me.” I shook my head, as if to clear my thoughts, “Okay! Enough of this! Let’s drink some more!”
The girls and I whooped and hollered. We laughed and teased each other, and it was just like old times. No, but’s… it was just like old times.
* * *
“You’re lucky I live down the road!” Bee laughed as she struggled into her thin sweater. “What was in those things?”
“You’re a lightweight, and you know it,” Amy teased Bee. “You say the same thing every time. As if you’re gonna fool us at this point.”
“Whatever...” Bee trailed off and gave Amy the finger.
We all laughed, and I watched my two best friends walk down the driveway, and into the night. I shook my head and laughed quietly.
“Mom?” Sam called from upstairs, “Are they gone?”
I peeked my head around the corner and looked upstairs. “Seriously? You’re hiding upstairs? From three women?”
Sam came down the stairs and shot me a look. “No, Mom. I wasn’t hiding. I was just giving you ladies your girl time.”
I nodded at him and dismissed him with a wave of my hand. He followed me into the kitchen.
“Mom, are we cool?” He asked me, and I saw the worry in his eyes. “About school, I mean.”
“As in?” I wanted him to continue.
“As in you’re cool with me going to community college?”
I took a deep breath and put down the bowl I had been carrying, “I am. To be honest, I don’t even think it had anything to do with you or what school you attend. I’ve never been one to think that college is a must. Neither was Dad. We just want you to be happy.”
He came around the kitchen island and stood next to me. “I know, Mom. And right now I want to be at home. With you and Carey and J and the girls. I don’t want to be 4 hours away.”
Even though I had to look up to see his eyes, he was still that little boy that used to cling to me so tightly in the daycare. And then he was the little boy that waved at me from the bus window. He was the young man that shyly asked me to teach him how to slow dance when the girl he liked said yes to the Homecoming Dance. This was our son. I hugged him tightly and rubbed his back.
“Sam, if being here and going to community college is what you need right now, I’m cool with that,” I tried to assure him.
He searched my eyes looking for a lie, and when he saw none, he relaxed visibly. “Thanks, Mom. Umm... Where’s the blender?”
“Oh, it’s still outside. Can you grab it for me?” I asked, as he moved toward the French door.
* * *
“What the fuck?” He had just stepped outside when I heard him.
I ran to the door when I heard the disgust in his voice. “Sam?”
“Mom, stay back. Oh, this is gross. What the hell?”
“Sam, watch your mouth.” I said more out of habit. “What is it?”
“I think it used to be a cat.” Sam bent down. “Mom, turn on the light.”
I flipped the switch and light flooded the brick patio.
“Oh my god!” I shrieked when I saw the pile of fur and blood. I covered my mouth as if by doing so I could block out the horror that lay on the ground.
“Ugh! This cat looks like it was torn apart.” Sam looked it over and moved to the other side. “This wasn’t here earlier, was it, Mom?”
“Of course not! We wouldn’t have sat outside if it had been. What did that?”
Sam shrugged. “I don’t know. Should we call someone?”
I looked out into the dark yard. “Come inside. It was just put there.” I suddenly felt an urgent need to yank Sam inside and lock the door. I wasn’t one to deny my instinct. “Sam get inside... now!”
Sam heard the urgency in my voice and hurried inside. Once he was safe inside, I closed the door and locked it.
“I’m going to call the police, just to be safe. Go check on your brothers and sisters.” I ran to the phone and dialed 9-1-1. Not once did I stop and think I was overreacting. Something had put that poor animal on my patio. Something, or someone had climbed an 8 foot fence or had opened the lock on the gate to bring that to my doorstep. I wasn’t going to take any chances.
“9-1-1. What is your emergency?” The faceless operator answered.
“Someone or something put a dead animal on my back porch. I was just outside with friends ten minutes ago, so this just happened!” I exclaimed.
“Okay, ma’am. Can you verify the address from which you are calling?”
I promptly provided our address.
“Everyone’s fine, Mom. Asleep, no one heard anything.” Sam whispered to me as he came back into the kitchen.
The operator continued, “Alright. I’ve dispatched a nearby squad car to your location. Can you stay on the line with me until they arrive at your address?”
I agreed to stay on
the line, and Sam I only had to wait a few minutes before we heard knocking at the front door.
“I think they’re here. I’m going to send my son to open the door.” I said this to the operator, as I was nodding toward the door, indicating to Sam that he should go answer it.
“What’s going on?” Carey came into the kitchen with Jimmy close on his heels, “Who’s at the—”
“Why are the cops here?” Jimmy asked talking right over Carey.
Sam followed two young officers into the kitchen. I acknowledged the officers’ arrival to the operator and hung up.
“Ma’am? Can you show us the animal?” One of the officers asked.
“I’ll show you. I found it.” Sam answered before I could say anything. He moved in front of the officers and opened the back door.
“Julie?” I heard Bee call from the living room.
I ran out to the living room and saw Bee and Anthony standing there. Bee was still dressed in her jeans and T-shirt, but Anthony had on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pants, and a Batman T-shirt. I stopped and stared.
“Hey! It’s what I sleep in, give me a break!” He must have noticed me eyeing his outfit.
Bee rushed over and gave me a hug.
“What’s wrong? I saw the police pull up when I took Pansy out.” Pansy was her Yorkshire Terrier, and Bee always took her out at night before bed.
“Are the kids okay?” Anthony, normally such a quiet man, asked me with uncertainty in his voice. I could see him scanning the room.
I was shaking, and I let my friend hold me. “They’re okay. I don’t know what it is! Sam and I were talking, and then he went out to get the blender for me. Next thing I know, he says... he’s telling me that he thinks there is a dead cat on our patio. Bee, if this was a cat, it... it was torn to shreds. I don’t even know what could have done that.”
“Oh my lord.” Bee shook her head and gave me another hug. “Sam didn’t see anyone? Hear anything?”
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