Lost

by Christina Draper

  “I’ll say!” One of the boys teased her.

  “Mrs. Klevan, this is one of our friends, Gyle,” Lessa said as she eyeballed a boy sprawled out on one of the benches.

  I’ll be honest, I was amazed at the manners going on. We had taught Carey to be polite, but as we’d seen in the past, that can sometimes get lost when he’s with his friends. It was nice to see how polite these kids were. On the other hand, I wasn’t foolish enough to think they weren’t on their best behavior since a parent was there.

  Carey introduced the rest of the kids, and they made small talk with me for a few minutes.

  “Hey, we were going to see a movie. Can you come?” Lessa asked Carey.

  “Well, I need to get some jeans and some new shoes...” Carey trailed off.

  “Yep, Carey just got a job.” I told the kids with excitement.

  “Oh, cool. Where are you working?” Lessa asked.

  “Umm... I’m gonna be working for your dad.”

  Lessa just smiled and nodded. I noticed something going on in her mind.

  “Well, how about I give you some money, and you get a pair of jeans and some shoes? Then you can do your thing with your friends and call me when you’re done.”

  “Oh, I can take him home, Mrs. Klevan.” That was from Gyle. He seemed like a nice enough kid, but I didn’t know him.

  “You’re going into 12th grade right?” I asked him.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Then you know the rules, right? Only one passenger with you when you’re under 18,” I reminded him.

  “Yes, ma’am. I know, but everyone else either has a car, or they are riding together. It’s just me, and I live right around the corner from you.”

  “Mom, it’s cool. I promise.” Carey looked me in the eye and nodded.

  I took a deep breath and gave him my permission. I wanted him to get out with friends, and this was his chance. I gave him some money and told him if that wasn’t enough to call me.

  “If you’re going to miss dinner, text me, okay? Any later than say 11, and I want a phone call, alright?”

  He promised me, and after a quick kiss on the cheek, he was off with his friends.

  * * *

  Well, I guess I didn’t need to hang out at the mall after all, so I went out to my car.

  I sat in the car for a minute and put my hands on the steering wheel. Brian had bought the car about five years ago. A steal is what he told me, and though it needed a lot of work, it brought him so much joy. He would give me part numbers as he worked, and we would buy them as we could. I would sit outside with him while he worked on the car. I was never much help, but he said just keeping him company was enough.

  After he got the car painted, and we got it back, he made sure I knew how to change the tire if need be. He showed me how to check the oil and the tire pressure. He reminded me to only put “the good shit” in the gas tank.

  I used to tease him every time he mentioned that he needed something for the car. I’d tell him I was beginning to hate his car.

  “It’s not my car. It’s our car.” He would tell me.

  “Really? Or are you just saying that so I don’t bitch about the money?” I’d typically say in return..

  And he would wink at me and give me a kiss. Though I complained at the cost and teased him that it was like a mistress, the truth of the matter was I loved the car as much as he did. I loved that he put in the extra work to make it a convertible, because he knew that’s what I had been hoping for when he started looking for a car to restore.

  We used to go for rides, just the two of us, and when we hit the highway, he would gun it. I loved the rumble and the feel of the wind on my face.

  I started the car, but took a left. The grocery store could wait. I was going for a ride.

  “Nice car!” I heard a voice call out to me as I sat at the light.

  I looked over at the group of young men in the car next to me, and I could see them appraising the car, giving it the appreciation it deserved. I put on my sunglasses.

  “I know.” I returned with a grin, and when the light turned green, I took off. I laughed as the wind whipped my hair around, and I felt the power of the 426 Hemi engine Brian had so lovingly restored. I drove around for about an hour and enjoyed every minute of it. Then, I directed the Charger toward the grocery store.

  “Remember all the fun we had in this car?” I asked. I believed with every ounce of my being that somewhere, somehow Brian could hear me. “You loved this car—almost as much as you loved me. I used to tease you about it.”

  God, I love this car.

  I promised myself that I would drive Brian’s car more. He would want that, and I wasn’t going to disappoint him. He would want us enjoying life and all that he had provided us. He would want us happy!

  I was thankful that the kids were starting to get back into a routine. In the summer, so much of their days had been tied to their father. All three of the boys worked with him, spent weekends at the lake house with him, did projects around the house with him, and so much more. But this summer was different. It was just the six of us, and I wanted the boys to start finding their own way. Jessie and Maggie had occasionally joined the guys at the lake house and even helped with some little things around the house, but their summers were often filled with day camps and sleepovers with friends. They were finally coming back out of their shells a bit and were doing more of the things they used to.

  And then there was me. In past summers, I spent my time shuttling the girls around, occasionally having lunch at whatever site Brian had taken the boys to, shopping with Bee, or going to have lunch with Amy. I could still do some of that. Brian had made provisions for the employees to take over the company in the event that something happened to him, and four of them did just that. We had received generous compensation from that as well, so the business was out of the picture for us. So, for the time being, I still drove the girls around, and I still went out with Bee and Amy occasionally. But it was the nights I dreaded. During the day I would occupy my time, but at night, when the house was quiet and when my friends were asleep, I laid in our bed waiting. For what I didn’t know—sleep I suppose. But I would lay there and feel restless. Like I was forgetting to do something or forgetting to prepare to do something the next day. But I was slowly coming to the realization that my restlessness had less to do with me actually forgetting something and more to do with me being lonely. I was in no way ready to “get back out there” as all my women’s rags—Brian’s words, NOT mine—say, but I missed having someone next to me. I missed being held.

  * * *

  I pulled into the grocery store and grabbed my bags before I jumped out of the car. I walked up to the entrance and grabbed a cart. Walking into the store, I spied a display of gaudy red, white, and blue flowers. They made me smile, and I decided to buy a few bunches to put around the house. I would have Sam put up our American flag, and maybe we would even have a barbecue. I figured one of us could figure out the grill.

  I went up and down the aisles getting fresh fruit and cookies for the kids to snack on. I got meat for dinner and plenty of milk and bread. When I was done, I headed to the front to pay.

  “Julie?”

  I turned around when I heard my name. “Becca. Hi!”

  Claudia’s mother pulled her cart up next to me. “Thank you so much for taking Claudia out with you guys the other night. She had a blast!”

  “Oh, anytime. Truth be told, I had a great time too. She’s really a wonderful young lady.”

  “Thank you. Listen, I was going to call you, but since I ran into you, we are having a little cookout next weekend, and Claudia was hoping Jimmy could come.”

  “The Fourth?” I wanted to be sure.

  “Yeah, we don’t go anywhere for fireworks. We drove to Richmond once, and it was a madhouse trying to get out of there. Never again!”

  “Oh, I know. Same here. We sit on our porch and just watch the ones that Busch Gardens shoot off.”

/>   We chatted for a bit longer, and I assured her I would ask Jimmy and have him call Claudia. I was sure he would be thrilled, but he was getting older, and I didn’t want to make plans for him. I pulled out my phone and texted the plans to Jimmy. I just didn’t want to forget, and at least this way it was out there.

  When it was my turn, I put my things on the counter and waited while the cashier rang them up.

  “That’ll be $178.53, ma’am,” the young lady behind the register told me.

  “I was just in here. I swear my kids inhale food,” I joked and pulled out my debit card to run through the machine.

  The cashier laughed. “That’s what my mom says too.”

  I thanked her and the young man that bagged my groceries and pushed my cart out to the parking lot. I fished my keys out of my pocket when I got the strangest feeling.

  It was quiet outside—too quiet for a busy grocery store on a Friday—but I felt like I was in the eye of a hurricane. It was still, unnaturally still, and the quiet was disconcerting. Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw something by the fence. Something big. Something that moved quickly. I turned slowly, sure I would see something I didn’t want to see.

  Nothing.

  I suddenly heard the cars pulling into the lot, people putting their carts up, and the air itself felt lighter. I shook my head and brushed it off.

  Just tired, I said to myself. Just really tired, Jules.

  I popped the trunk and put my bags away. I slammed the trunk closed when I was done and put my cart up. I stood by the door for another minute, wanting to be sure that everything was as it should be.

  It was, and I opened the door, started the car, and drove home.

  Chapter 13

  Later that night

  It was dark outside—and wet. He smelled the damp earth. It wasn’t an unpleasant smell, but it was overpowering. The sun still hurt his eyes, and he had found a place to sleep during the day. He was healing, though much slower than he thought he would, but he was feeling stronger.

  He didn’t know why he watched her, but he did—and had for weeks. He spent the nights praying she would come outside, hoping she would. She was... something. It was right there. His head still hurt. Maybe when it finished healing, things would come back to him.

  Chapter 14

  After the kids were fed, and they told me about their day at the waterpark, I put a movie on for them. Jimmy and the girls were splayed out all over the family room watching it. Sam had gotten home a bit earlier than he thought he would, and he was upstairs taking a shower. Carey still wasn’t home yet.

  I took a beer out of the fridge and went outside. The lights were all on, and the backyard was almost blindingly bright. I felt safe standing on the patio in the harsh glare of the lights, so I moved to the table and pulled out a chair. I leaned back and took a long drink of the Corona. It was the only beer I would drink.

  I sat back and looked up at the sky.

  “Carey got a job today, B. At Tony’s! How cool is that? Sam seems to enjoy his job at the vet. I might ask him to be on the lookout for a puppy. I think it’s time, don’t you? A puppy might be nice to have around. Something big and fierce.” I blew out a breath.

  I imagine most widows and widowers talk to their spouses like I did. I didn’t feel crazy or that I was doing something wrong. I felt... comforted. I felt like Brian was actually listening to me. And though I never got a response, I kept talking. I told him about taking Jimmy and the girls to Funland with Claudia, and I told him about Maggie getting gum stuck in her hair and Jessie trying to cut it out for her, which resulted in a trip to the beauty salon. Maggie now had a cute bob, while Jessie still had her long curls. It was the first time they’ve had such different looks. I told him about Carey’s crush on Lessa, and that I was pretty sure the feeling was mutual. And I even told him about the present that was left on our patio the night before.

  “I miss you so much. And I’ll always love you,” I said as I withdrew from the one-sided conversation.

  I sat in the silence for a bit longer, and then took one last drink of my beer. Talking to Brian didn’t bring me to my knees the way it used to. A part of me wanted to fall to them, but I held myself up.

  I was healing.

  Chapter 15

  “Mom, do I look okay?” Carey ran into the kitchen, dressed in his new jeans, the T-shirt Tony gave him, and his new shoes.

  “How much money did I give you the other day?” I asked him looking at his shoes.

  “$60. Why?” He asked.

  “Because those are Dr. Martens, and they cost more than sixty bucks.”

  “Oh, these? Lessa helped me pick them out. I used some of my own money.” He showed them off proudly. “You don’t like them?”

  “No. No, I like them. Good shoes. Sam wears them all the time, and they hold up. I just didn’t think you would... like them, I mean.”

  “Well, I figured I would get a good pair, and then I could wear them to school too.”

  I grunted at him. He bought them for one reason and one reason only.

  “Hey, nice shoes,” Sam told Carey as he came back into the house.

  “Have a good run?” I asked, and then I swatted him with my spatula as he tried to kiss me. “God. Gross, Sam. You’re all sweaty!”

  “Oh... Mom!” He wiped his forehead and pretended to fling sweat at me.

  Maggie and Jessie were at the table, and they laughed, though that quickly turned into high pitched screams as Sam ran toward them.

  “Okay. Okay! Really? It’s too early for that. Settle down,” I fussed at them.

  “Oh, Mommy. You’re no fun.” Maggie pouted.

  “Yeah, Mommy. No fun.” Jessie got in one last pinch, and Sam jerked.

  “Yeah, yeah... whatever. Quiet.” I barked at them, only half-joking.

  “Hey, Sam? Can you drive me to work?” Carey asked his older brother, his mouth half full of cereal.

  “Sure. What time?”

  “Nine.” Carey answered.

  Sam looked up at the clock. It was still a safe 8:30. “Okay. I’m gonna jump in the shower. Give me ten minutes.”

  Carey nodded and kept eating.

  “You should buy a car. Then you don’t have to beg Sam to take you places.” Maggie told Carey.

  “Yeah,” Jessie chimed in. “Maybe if you had a car, you could get a date too.”

  Carey looked at me, pleading with me to step in. I shrugged and smirked as I turned away.

  “Well, it’s not that easy. Cars cost money, and then there is insurance.” Carey tried to reason with them.

  But at almost nine the girls weren’t going to be reasoned with. “You’re on Mom’s insurance. And Sam’s car didn’t cost that much.”

  Sam had an old Jeep, and the girls were right—as far as cars go, it wasn’t that much.

  I stepped in. “That’s true. Sam only paid $500 for his car, but it was Grandpa’s old car, and Grandpa gave him a good deal on it. Plus Sam had to do some work for Pop-Pop to make up for the car being so cheap.”

  “Amy said Ben was selling his car. I bet he would give Carey a good deal.” Jessie said this off-handedly.

  Carey perked up, but I held up a hand.

  “When did you talk to Amy?” I asked Jessie. Amy and Ben refused to have any of the kids call them Mr. or Mrs. Settler—said it made them feel old.

  “The other day, when we came back from the water park. We stopped there ’cause Mrs. B wanted to give Amy something. And we got out to play for a little bit. Ben was cleaning his car, and Amy said he was going to sell it because he wants to buy an Outtie.”

  “Audi, dummy,” Carey pointed out, laughing.

  “Really? Carey, is that necessary?” I shot him a dirty look as I chastised him.

  “Fine. Sorry,” he relented. “Can I call Ben and ask him what the deal is?”

  “Sure, but if this goes down, it’s on you. You need to figure out the terms, and all the other crap that comes along with this. I’ll help you wit
h the insurance company, but if you want a car, it’s on you.”

  He nodded, and I continued, “And let’s see how the job goes, okay? You haven’t even worked your first day.”

  “Yeah, dork. If you mess up and get fired, you won’t even be able to buy gas.” Jessie was relentless on this morning.

  “Yeah. You’ll have to beg Mom for money, and then no one will want to be your girlfriend,” Maggie told him as she brought her plate to the sink.

  “Mom? Come on.” Carey was at a loss.

  “Okay, girls. Enough! Stop teasing your brother. Go get your stuff for camp.”

  They both ran over and kissed Carey on his flushed cheeks.

  “Good luck today, Carey,” Jessie told him.

  “Love you,” Maggie added.

  And with that, they ran out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

  “They have at least two personalities apiece, Mom. You know that, right?” Carey was always amazed at how quickly the girls could change course.

  “Nah, they’re just girls.” Sam supplied as he walked into the kitchen, his hair still wet. “You ready?”

  Carey ran over to the sink and put his bowl on the counter. He straightened up his shirt and looked at me for confirmation. I nodded with a smile, and he ran off to get his wallet.

  I heard the girls squealing again, as Carey ran past them on the stairs.

  “I’m gonna drop the girls off at day camp, then run over to Bee’s house for coffee. What’s on your agenda today?” I asked Sam.

  “I guess I’m gonna drop Carey off, then run and get my paycheck. I was going to meet a friend for a late breakfast—maybe hang out a bit. I can get the girls if you want?”

  “Yeah? That would be awesome!” I gave him a quick kiss of thanks. “I think I’m going to run by the salon, and do something with my hair.”

  “Cool. See you tonight,” he called out as he met Carey by the stairs and headed to the door.

  I turned to the sink to put the dishes away, when I felt someone behind me. I spun around, but it was just Carey.