by Ivy Smoak
His fingers stopped on my skin. "I'd rather not talk about the past."
"It's not the past if it still haunts you." I knew that better than anyone. If I couldn't let go of my pain, maybe I could help him let go of his. Maybe I could help him move on.
He shifted his hand and ran his fingers through my hair. It seemed absentminded, and it made me wonder how many girls had been in this same position with him before.
I bit the inside of my cheek. I needed this. And I'm pretty sure he needed it too. "Please."
"What do you want to know exactly?"
I just needed to know about my grandmother passing and what he remembered after that. Instead, "The whole story," slipped out of my mouth.
"It's a long story."
I rested my head against his strong chest and breathed him in. "I have all night."
He shifted so that his chin was resting on the top of my head. His hand slid down my back, stopping at the base of my spine. I was so comfortable in his arms. It was like time had stopped. We were still kids, falling asleep in his tree house. There was no fire. There was no pain. My eyelids suddenly felt heavy. I was home again.
"When I was eight, she moved in next door," he finally said, breaking the spell.
I forced myself to keep my eyes open. I needed to hear this. I had always wondered what our relationship meant to him. For the past several years, I had convinced myself that he had never cared about me. I had told myself that I had made it up in my head. That my love for him was completely one sided. I realized I was holding my breath, and slowly exhaled.
"She was so full of life, I don't really know how else to explain it. The first time I saw her, she was running across the yard, chasing after a bunny. To clarify, she was younger than me. She was only six. Still, I don't know why she thought she could catch it."
I smiled against his chest.
"But that wasn't really the point. What I remember was how her hair caught in the sun. It was this really beautiful shade of red. When you looked at it in the sun, it seemed like it was made up of hundreds of different colors. You'll probably make fun of me, but that first moment I saw her, I was completely consumed. I mean, I was just a kid, I didn't really know what love was. But it kind of felt like love at first sight. Summer was the perfect name for her. She had so much warmth. So much joy. So much optimism." His voice seemed to falter.
I didn't say a word. I had never known that. I thought he hated me at first. It reminded me of my babysitter, Julie, claiming that love at first sight didn't exist. Maybe it didn't for her. But it sure as hell did for us. Because I had been in love with Miles Young ever since the first moment I laid eyes on him too.
"And since I was a stupid kid, I just did what stupid kids do. I was horribly mean to her for the first year I knew her. I wouldn't let her into my tree house. I called her names. For a whole month I pretended she was invisible. Every time she got near me I told her how annoying she was. And then one day, I found her crying by the stream in this little park in our neighborhood. She had slipped on the mossy rocks and cut her knee. There was blood everywhere because the cut had gotten wet. It tore me apart to see her like that. I remember thinking that I'd never let anything bad happen to her ever again. That I'd keep her safe."
I closed my eyes tight. I remembered him threatening to come visit me when I was in foster care. How upset he was when he thought someone was hurting me. Why did I turn him away? Why didn't I let him protect me?
"We were inseparable since that day. She was my best friend. We did everything together. But it was more than that. We were young, but, I mean...does that really matter? I try to look back at it and tell myself it wasn't more than that, but it felt real. I loved her. I truly did love her."
He loved me. He loved me and I pushed him away.
He cleared his throat. "When I was ten, her parents were in a car crash and died. I was there the night when the police officers came. It looked like all the life was sucked out of her. I mean, she was just a kid. We both were. It killed me to see her like that. I promised myself I'd protect her, but I couldn't take that pain away from her."
No one could take that pain away. It was supposed to get better with time. But that was a fucking lie. Everyone who said that didn't understand. It was like there was a hole in my heart. Maybe I just didn't have enough love in my life to come close to filling the vacancy.
"She moved in with her grandmother in another state. The distance was hard. We wrote to each other all the time, but we didn't really get to see each other anymore. She always put on such a brave face. I hated that. I hated that she'd erase things and write over them, like I couldn't see her previous thoughts. Like I couldn't see her pain. I hated that my mom wouldn't let me call her because it was long distance. I hated that I couldn't be there for her." He sighed. "I was a pretty angry kid."
I hadn't known that either. I thought his life was perfect. Star soccer player. Living, loving parents. Popular. I didn't know I had kept him down a notch. And I was angry too. I was angry for letting that have happened without even realizing it. I had ruined his life. I bit the inside of my lip. How could I have let that happen?
"But then her grandmother died too."
Just my grandmother.
"She went into foster care."
I'm not crazy.
"All that warmth and joy and optimism. It just disappeared as she went from family to family. We still wrote to each other all the time. But her letters got less and less detailed. I knew she was hurting. Or maybe someone was hurting her. I don't know. I tried to go see her and she told me no. I pressed it. I blame myself for..."
"Stop." I knew the rest of our story. I blamed Don for everything bad in the past few years. But this was on me. This was my fault. I should have let Miles come. I should have let him help me. I should have let him in. "You can't blame yourself if she didn't want your help."
He leaned back slightly so he could put his hand under my chin. He lifted my face to his. "I made a promise to myself that I'd protect her."
"When you were just a kid." I wasn't sure why, but I was suddenly angry. Angry about the situation. Angry at myself.
"Does that matter?"
"Yes." My anger had bubbled over into tears. I was hysterical. God, I was crazy.
He tried to wipe away my tears but I pushed his hand away.
"Of course it matters!" my voice cracked. He was too good. Way too good for me. I would bring him down. I'd pull him into the darkness. I climbed out of bed.
He ran his hand through his hair in that sexy way of his. "You're mad at me because I'm mad at myself for failing to keep a promise?" He looked exhausted.
"I'm mad at you for still caring." God, that sounded stupid. "I'm mad at you for not living your life. You have to move on."
"I'm trying to live it." He gestured back and forth between us. "Sadie, I'm trying to move on." He climbed out of bed and reached for my hand.
"Well, you can't move on with me."
"Why? I can see it in your eyes. You want to be here. So why are you running away? What are you so scared of?"
"You!" I wasn't sure why I was so mad, but I was furious at him. How dare he give up on his life because of me? How dare he stop living when he still had a choice? I already had enough on my shoulders. I couldn't live with that too. I couldn't. It felt like there were hands around my neck.
"Sadie." He took a step closer to me. "Please just talk to me. You know the doctors told me about the physical abuse. I saw the x-rays. I know..."
"I shouldn't have come here."
"It's the middle of the night. Just stay. Sadie, please."
Time seemed to freeze in my mind and turn over. It really did feel like we were back in his tree house. And he was calling after me as I ran through his backyard, away from my hopes and dreams, away from everything that had ever made sense. "You have to forget about her."
"I'm not upset about her. You brought her up. You wanted to hear the story." He pushed his hair off his forehead. "I'm up
set about you, Sadie." He looked pissed. And he probably deserved to be. I was the one that had shown up in the middle of the night. I was the one that had invited myself inside. Yet, I was the one freaking out.
"Then forget about me too." Apparently I had transported back in time and was acting just like an eight year old as well. What was wrong with me? I opened up the door and slammed it shut in his face. I knew exactly why I was angry. Because I made a promise to myself when I was still technically a child too. I promised myself that I'd kill Don Roberts. And no matter how much time passed, that promise was never going to go away. I was going to kill him. And I'd watch the life drain out of him just like he watched mine drain out of me.
Once that was done, there was no going back. If there was any piece of Summer Brooks left inside of me, that would kill her. And Miles couldn't love a person like that. I couldn't let him keep his promise to a monster. He deserved the brightest star in the sky. Not the darkness in between.
Chapter 5
Friday
I had no one to turn to. My last bridge had just been burnt. Last night I had made the decision to leave New York City, to try to lure Don out. But this city was the big leagues. Don wasn't going to leave. He had just sunken his claws in. He'd just send someone after me to kill me. He'd still ruin this city.
I waved my key in front of the scanner and the door clicked open. I stepped into the hotel room. At least I had the money my parents left me. At the rate I was going, I'd never graduate. I'd probably never step foot back on campus. I'd need this money. I sat down on the edge of the bed and collapsed backwards.
For once in my life, I wasn't going to run. I was going to stay and fight. I just had to figure out what was going on. Miles had helped with that. It was everything I thought I knew. Minus the part about him being in love with me too. That had felt like news.
I closed my eyes. I was not going to think about him. I took a deep breath and exhaled. The question was, why would Don make it seem like I died? I knew it was him. Especially since his criminal record had changed too. I bit my lip. Joan had mentioned that their leverage was Eli, Miles, and Kins. But what if she had just thrown some of those names in to get me off their tracks? I knew Eli was bad news. Liza had said that Eli's technology was next level. So if Eli was working for Don, then that meant Don had that technology. Which probably would have allowed him to alter files. Right?
I touched my forehead. That was a leap. Eli might not even be working for him. So who was he working for? Because despite Joan putting him on her list of my friends, there was something seriously wrong with him. The anger in his face. The fire in his touch. I shivered at the thought.
And what about Mr. Crawford? Was he hurt? I had this awful feeling that the blood on my bunny slippers was his. There was no way Mr. Crawford could have been bad. He had gotten me away from Don. He gave me all this money. I sat up in bed.
The money. Couldn't people track that? They could certainly track transactions. Shit. I wasn't safe here. They could find me. I ran to the door and was just about to throw it open when my cell phone bleeped in my pocket. I pulled it out and looked down at the screen.
"Not that way."
It was from V. How could he see me?
"There's a fire escape outside your window. Get to the roof. Now."
This was ridiculous. All of this was completely insane. If I couldn't trust Mr. Crawford, I certainly couldn't trust the vigilante.
A knock on the door made me jump. I looked out the peephole. There were two huge men in suits standing on the other side. Their arms were folded across their chests, making their muscles bulge. They did not look friendly.
I quietly backed away from the door and opened the window. There was a possibility that they were good guys. Maybe the police had decided to listen to me after all. But Detective Lewis hadn't dressed anything like these men. His suit pants were worn whereas these men were sporting suits with crisply ironed lines. And all I could think was that Don wore suits like that.
One of the men banged on the door a little louder.
I closed the window as silently as possible and started sprinting up the rickety fire escape. I tried not to look down. The warm wind made my hair flutter around my face. I heard a clanging noise, but I kept my eyes on the steps in front of me, refusing to look down.
I jumped onto the roof of the building.
The vigilante was standing there, his gloved hands on the ledge. "Shit." He was staring down the fire escape. "They're following you."
"Who is they?"
"We have to go." He turned around and starting sprinting across the roof.
Where the hell was he going? The only way down was the fire escape. I ran after him and watched him leap off the edge of the building. No. No way in hell am I doing that. I stopped at the edge and stared down at him. He was on the top of another building. But it was at last five feet away. I looked down. Shit, I shouldn't have looked down!
"Sadie, you have to jump!"
I shook my head.
"You have to!"
Damn it. I knew I had to. There was no other way. I backed up and started running again. I ran all the way to the edge and skidded to a stop once again. Shit!
"Jump, Sadie!"
"I can't!" I wasn't ready to die. My heart was beating out of my chest. I wasn't him. I couldn't make that jump.
"You can. Remember what I told you? You can do this. You're made of steel."
I was pretty sure I had proven that I wasn't made of steel last night. But his believing in me gave me a surge of confidence.
"I'm right here to catch you if you fall." His voice seemed to echo across the expanse.
I locked eyes with him. He'd catch me. How could I argue with that? I backed up from the ledge again and looked down at my Converses.
I held my breath for one second. If he could do this, so could I.
For two seconds. I was fucking made of steel, damn it!
For three seconds. I ran as fast as I could.
For four seconds. And I jumped into the air. It felt like I was flying. It felt like I was finally living again.
For five seconds. Until I realized I wasn't going to make it. My body slammed again the wall below the rooftop, several feet beneath the ledge. I took in a huge gulp of air as my hands made contact with sleek brick. I screamed at the top of my lungs as I slid down the building, searching for any crevice to lodge my fingertips in.
He promised he'd catch me. He promised! My life was going to end in a blink of an eye.
I felt something hit my back and I ducked my head as I went crashing through an open window in the side of the building.
It felt like all the wind was knocked out of me when something heavy landed on top of me. The familiar sweet scent of his cologne filled my nose. He caught me. Kind of. Barely.
"Were you trying to get me killed?!" I yelled.
"I'm not the one trying to kill you."
"You're fucking crazy!"
He put his hand over my mouth. "Jesus, just be quiet for one second," he hissed. He sat up but he was still on top of me, straddling me, holding me in place. He looked around the apartment.
Get off me! My heart was beating out of my chest. Tears started to prickle in my eyes. I couldn't move. Stop touching me! I tried to scream against his hand, but it came out as a muffled sob.
He immediately looked down at me when he heard the noise. There was concern in those eyes.
He wasn't Don. He wasn't trying to hurt me. He had just saved me. But I couldn't seem to stop the feeling of my heart beating out of my chest. And I couldn't seem to stop seething. He pulled his hand away from my mouth.
"Don't you ever touch me like that again," I said and shoved him hard.
He stood up and took a step back from me.
"Don't you dare put your hands over my mouth." I stood up and shoved him again.
"Sadie, I just needed to make sure we were alone. I needed to make sure we were safe."
And I slapped him. The sound ech
oed around the abandoned apartment. And as soon as it seemed to stop reverberating through me, I lunged at him. Like a wild banshee. Only...not. Not at all. Because as soon as my hands made contact with his strong shoulders, I was kissing him. He immediately groaned into my mouth.
I grabbed the front of his hoodie and deepened the kiss.
His lips seemed hungry and carnal. His tongue made my head spin.
"Am I permitted to touch you here?" His breath was hot in my ear as he shoved my workout shorts down my legs.
God, yes. My fingers dug into the back of his hoodie.
"What about here?"
I felt the leather of his gloves brush between my thighs. I whimpered.
"Because I think you love when I touch you. You're soaked."
I hated how cocky he was. But I loved it too. "Tell me your name."
He shook his head.
"Let me see your face."
He silently shook his head again.
God, he was infuriating. "Then just fuck me already."
He grabbed my hips and sunk himself deep inside of me.
Yes. I tilted my head back, exposing my neck to him. I didn't even try to see him this time. I just let him consume me. He trailed light, feathery kisses down my throat. It didn't make it constrict. It made it feel like I could breathe again. Take away my pain.
It was like he could inhale my darkness. And with each thrust I felt lighter. I climbed higher.
"Let go, Sadie," he whispered against my ear.
And I did. I fell. Harder than last time. Farther. But the warmth that filled into me felt even better than the fall. And for just one moment, one speck of time, I was completely whole. I was Summer Brooks again. I closed my eyes.
"You're toxic," I whispered against his lips. I didn't mean for it to, but it sounded like a confession. Almost like I hadn't meant to say it out loud. But I had meant it in a good way. He took away everything bad and put it on himself. He was saving me.
"I know." His lips brushed against mine. "Does that scare you?"
I opened my eyes and looked into his brown ones. "I'm not scared of you."
