First Love

by G. L. Snodgrass

  “That’s right Mom, I wasn’t a demon,” I said as I held her hand, bent forward slightly, encouraging her to go on.

  “No not a demon, not my baby. I was wrong. … You are Mary. That is why they wanted me to kill you. They wanted to stop you.”

  Michael sucked in a deep breath. I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t turn away from my mom, afraid I might miss something.

  “What do you mean Mom, my name’s Sasha, not Mary? What did they want to stop?” I held my breath.

  “Not Sasha, you are Mary … The mother of god. Your child is going to be Jesus and bring us home to him. Is this Joseph?” she asked as she glanced at Michael. “He must be strong to protect you. They will do anything to stop you from having god’s baby. That’s the reason they told me to hurt you. I should have known they were wrong. I was so wrong.”

  My world crashed in as if a skyscraper of bricks had been dropped on my head. Burying me under a pile of despair. This couldn’t be happening.

  Chapter Twelve

  Michael

  The look of shock and pain that crossed Sasha’s face will haunt me to my death bed. Her eyes widened and threatened to spill over into tears. She had come so far, risked so much, for this. For bat crap crazy.

  My heart ached for her. I wanted to hold her. To take her away. Remove her pain. I searched frantically for some way to fix this. To make her pain go away.

  I don’t know what I would have done, I will never know because we were interrupted by someone pounding on the front door.

  “Sasha,” he yelled as he used his fist to hammer the door into next week.

  Sasha’s face turned white as her eyes frantically searched for escape. Mrs. Stanislav looked frantically at the door then back to Sasha.

  “Nicoli,” she whispered. Her face creased with fear and wonder.

  “My father,” Sasha hissed at me. Her eyes had gone from hurt shock to fear shock in a blink.

  “Sasha, let me in. Carla?” The deep voice said.

  All three of us looked at each other, No one moved. We had gone from touching reunion, to full on crazy, to outraged father bent on revenge. I felt like a ping pong ball in a clothes dryer.

  “Let him in, it’s his house,” Mrs. Stanislav said as she nodded towards the door.

  I shot Sasha a look, silently asking for her acceptance. She sighed as her shoulders slumped in defeat. She nodded her head towards the door just like her mother.

  Opening the door I stepped back and let the large man in. I noticed big beefy hands, wide shoulders that looked like they held the weight of the world and a scowl that could melt iron. He shot me a glance to freeze me in place, silently telling me my death would be long and painful. Seeing I was no threat, he rushed to Sasha to pull her out of the chair and into his arms for a bear hug.

  “Natasha, my Sasha,” he whispered into her hair

  She hesitated for a moment then seemed to sink in on herself as she collapsed into him and began to cry. A week’s worth of tension, guilt, and fear were released like a Nile flood, engulfing both of them.

  “I’m sorry, Sasha. I wanted to stop this, I didn’t want …”

  “It’s all right daddy. I’m sorry, I should have known. I didn’t think.”

  The two of them stood there for several minutes. Rocking each other and whispering ‘sorry’ over and over. Finally he stepped back holding her at arm’s length to examine her from top to bottom, obviously searching for any injury or insult. Once completed he looked at Mrs. Stanislav and then at me.

  “You I will deal with later,” he said to me. My stomach tightened.

  Some people say the most dangerous animal in the world is a Cape buffalo, others argue it’s the Lion. Both are wrong. Nothing is more dangerous than an outraged father who thinks someone has hurt his little girl. If looks could kill, I’d be torn into small parts and scattered to the four winds.

  I swallowed hard and forced my feet to remain in place.

  “Daddy, No!” Sasha said as she put a restraining hand on her father. “Michael helped me. If it wasn’t for him I’d be buzzard food in Arizona. He has been the greatest. I was so lucky. Nothing happened. He is just a friend.”

  I tried not to wince at that last statement.

  “I should probably get on the road Sasha,” I said. I don’t think I’ve ever said harder words. She didn’t need me anymore.

  Her face fell as she realized this was goodbye. A thousand thoughts flicked across her eyes. I knew she was thinking about us. What might have been? I had to cut this short. I wasn’t going to stand here and wallow in the pain of losing her. It looked like she had more than enough to keep her busy. And with her dad here I could leave her with her crazy mom.

  At least I’d helped her. I could take that with me. It would have to be enough. At least this time I’d helped.

  Her frantic eyes looked at her dad then at her mom. She blanched and nodded. “Okay, I understand,” She mumbled. “Let me walk you to your truck. I need to get my bag.”

  .o0o.

  Sasha

  He was leaving. Really. My heart ached and I was having a hard time breathing. Everything was happening to fast. I couldn’t get my mind wrapped around it all.

  Michael was leaving. My mom was still sick. My dad was here, looking at me like I’d let him down. My life was about as far from normal as possible. I couldn’t blame Michael but that didn’t make the pain go away.

  We walked down the sidewalk towards his truck. Our shoulders only inches apart. Oh how I wished he’d put his arm around me and tell me everything will be fine.

  What did I say? I could I tell him how much he meant to me. How he was my prince, my hero, my friend. Do I tell him I love him before he rides off into the sunset or do I hold that secret?

  “Are you going to be okay?” Michael asked. “Do you need me to stay until you get everything worked out?”

  There, that was it, the life line I needed to keep him here. I could tell him I loved him, beg him to stay and stand beside me. I think he would do it. He’d stay to save me. That was the kind of guy he was I realized. A born knight in shining armor.

  Instead I said the words that needed to be said.

  “No, I’ll be okay. My dad and I will work it out. Get mom the help she needs. You need to go find your new life. A life with less drama.”

  He slowly nodded “If that’s what you want.”

  My insides let go. This was the end. Really the end. I had a pile of crap to go back to. I wasn’t running anymore. My mom might never be fixed. But that wasn’t my fault. None of it was my fault. That didn’t mean I didn’t have to try and fix it. There was a difference I was learning. A difference between fault and responsibility.

  I pulled my backpack out of the truck, I could feel the pepper spray and my dismantled phone rattling around in the bottom. Under the clothes he had bought me at Goodwill.

  Looking up at him my heart broke. He had a sad smile and I swear his eyes had gotten a little misty. Maybe he would miss me a little. That was good. Heaven knew I was going to miss him.

  “I’m glad we made it. I’m sorry about your mom,” he said.

  “Thanks, I couldn’t have made it without you.”

  “What are you going to do?” He asked. His brow creased in concern. That knightly demeanor leaking through.

  Laughing weakly I patted his chest. I couldn’t stop myself from touching him one last time.

  “It’s going to be fine. My dad’s here. We’ll figure out what to do. As a family no less. I think he’s been paying for things. Keeping an eye on her. I was wrong about him. That is two times this month. It is becoming a habit.”

  He laughed and pulled me into his arms.

  “I hate goodbyes,” he said as he kissed the top of my head. He took piece of paper and pen from his glove box and wrote a phone number.

  “So let’s make this short and sweet. If you ever need anything, anytime, anyplace, you call me. Agreed?”

  Don’t agree Sasha, I thought to myself. Ma
ke him stay. It’s what you want.

  He stared into my eyes until I nodded. I knew he wouldn’t go until I did.

  I couldn’t do that to him. Not Michael.

  “All right, I agree. If I need a knight in shining armor I will call you.” The pain coursing through me made me want to cry. Please, please leave before you see me cry. Please, please don’t go.

  “You take care,” I said as I stepped back “Go find that normal world. You deserve it,” I said.

  He nodded then turned and got into his truck.

  “I mean it Sasha, anything, any time, call me.”

  All I could do was nod. I stood there on the sidewalk and watched him ride off. My world broke into a million pieces and I started crying.

  Turning for mom’s I wiped my eyes and squared my shoulders. One crisis finished. Now the next one. Hopefully it would be easier than this.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Michael.

  The cold January wind made me pull my coat in tight as I left the Attorney’s office. Boston was way colder than California had ever thought about being. The kind of cold that bit into a man like it hadn’t eaten for days.

  I could feel my smile reach my eyes. For the first time in a year I was free. The weight of the world had slipped off my shoulders. I didn’t have to look behind me, worried about who was following me. Didn’t have to fear the knock in the middle of the night. I could even pass a cop without worrying about him arresting me on the spot.

  The money was safe and if they wanted it they could have it. Once they jumped through a million hoops.

  Dad would understand. If he didn’t then he was going to have to learn. Besides the money was from my long lost great uncle Harold. Not my dad.

  The Attorney thought I was crazy. Putting all of Uncle Harold’s money into a trust and the profit going to Mental Health charities. Real ones. The kind that achieved something. He kept shaking his head as I signed the papers.

  “Are you sure Mr. Travers,” he kept saying. “That is a lot of money. Once you sign this you can’t get it back.”

  “I’m sure,” I’d answered. My hand didn’t even shake as I signed for the thirteenth time.

  It had been a tough six months but I had done it. Gotten my High School diploma. I was all set to start college full time in a few weeks or next fall if I wanted to take a break.

  Throughout the tough times I hadn’t touched Harold’s money. Instead I’d worked my butt off in two jobs. Studied when I got the chance and worked.

  When things got real tight I still refused to dip into the inheritance. I knew once I started I’d never stop. Instead I sold my truck. It didn’t really feel right in Boston anyway. They weren’t exactly pick-up truck type people. A memory of Sasha and her beat up cowboy hat flicked through my mind when I handed the guy the keys. One more memory locked away. To be brought out only on special occasions.

  Time to meet the guys. Three months on the road. A different gig almost every night. Who needed college when the road called?

  Besides, she hadn’t called. Hadn’t needed my help. Nine months was enough. Time to move on. Sometimes it seemed like that was all I ever did. Move on.

  .o0o.

  Sasha

  I folded jeans for the two thousandth time. It seemed to be my primary function in this job. That and helping older women trying to look young again. Hey what did you expect, department stores weren’t known for their challenging mental gymnastics.

  I glanced up at the clock on the far wall. Two hours until my shift was over. The one thing this job had was its flexible hours. I needed that if I was going to visit mom regularly. The hospital was strict on the whole visiting hours thing.

  Structure, order, it was vital if the patients were going to get any better.

  My soul felt crushed as I realized it had been almost a year since Michael and I showed up on mom’s doorstep. I’d hoped so much that she would be well by now. Maybe normal. At least normal enough to leave.

  But it wasn’t going to happen. Not any time soon. Thank god dad was paying. I never could have afforded it. Not on a shop girl’s salary. As it was, the only reason I could survive at all was by living in mom’s house. The fact that dad had bought it for her when she was released from jail was one more thing proving I’d been wrong about him. He wasn’t perfect, but he wasn’t a prick either. And he was paying for things he didn’t have to.

  I folded another pair of jeans and placed them on display. Life was okay. Not great, but okay. My job was steady, boring, but easy. Mom was taken care of. So why did I feel so sad. Like there was a black hole in the middle of my world sucking all the fun and joy out of it. Something was missing.

  I moved from the jeans to folding shirts, my second least favorite thing in the world.

  “Excuse me miss,” A deep voice said behind me sending a warm shiver up my spine. “Do you sell cowboy hats? The old beat up kind that make a woman devastatingly beautiful.”

  My heart jumped into high speed and my stomach clenched up as I turned around.

  Michael, here! Now.

  God he looked good. That butterfly releasing, mouthwatering, knee weakening good.

  He’d grown an inch or two. Lean, with several months of beard. He was dressed in old jeans and a tight flannel shirt. My mouth went dry as I tried to swallow. Michael, my Michael. A thousand daydreams. A million thoughts had passed through my mind since the he’d driven away.

  “Michael,” I screamed as I threw my arms around his neck. He laughed and pulled me in for a tight hug. I had missed those arms so much. I could bury myself in them and die a happy woman.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked as I stepped back to gaze into those delicious green eyes of his.

  “I wanted to see if you wanted to come to the show tonight.”

  “Show, what show? What’s going on? What about school? Boston?”

  “I got bored. I guess some people aren’t cut out for normal.”

  Cocking my head to the side I studied him. Was he serious? I thought a normal, drama free, life had been his goal. He looked happy though, content with life. Maybe the road agreed with him.

  “Sure,” I said, “When and where? Is it your old band, Green Onions?”

  He smiled at the fact that I had remembered but shook his head as he pulled two tickets from his back pocket. “New guys. We’re called Landing Zone. Um … You could bring your boyfriend if you want.”

  I laughed, “No boyfriend, life’s hard enough.”

  Michael smiled and I could have sworn I saw his shoulders relax.

  “Good, I mean, yes …” he paused for a moment. “Okay, well bring anyone you want. We’re opening for Tuesday’s Child.”

  “Wow, they’re pretty good. Even I’ve heard of them.”

  “Yea, well, maybe we could get together after the show. Grab some coffee.”

  “Of course, I’m looking forward to it.”

  “Me too,” he said.

  We stared into each other’s eyes for a long moment. So many things to say, so many feelings. I swallowed hard. What now?

  It felt like a wall a hundred feet high had been placed between us, creating that dreaded awkward pause. What should I say? Could I hug him again?

  Instead I reached out to touch his shoulder. I couldn’t stop myself. “It’s good seeing you again. We have so much to catch up on.”

  “Tonight, after the show, come back stage. It’s the last show of the tour so it’ll be crazy. I’ll introduce you, show you off, then we can sneak out and find a place to talk.”

  I sighed internally. It sounded wonderful. A night without having to worry about paying bills. Cooking a meal for one and falling asleep watching ‘The Voice’.

  Instead I’d see a concert then spend time talking to Michael. Was there anything more perfect? I realized how much I had missed talking to him. Sharing secrets, telling truths. Watching his eyes as he laughed. My heart ached at the memories of it.

  .o0o.

  The concert had been unb
elievable. The energy electrifying. I was still wired.

  Michael had been a god up there on stage. Strong, confident, powerful. I could feel every woman in the place drawn to him when he tore into a guitar solo. I was sure each of them wished to get closer. To know more. It was a physical, almost animalistic emotion. I basked in it, holding it tight. Not tonight ladies.

  Michael touched the small of my back as he guided me to a booth in the back of the all night diner a block from the theater. A small tingle spread throughout me. Do not get attached to that feeling I reminded myself. He’ll be leaving again soon.

  After we’d ordered, - Michael a cheeseburger and fries, me a coffee – He sat back and smiled at me. A full, happy smile.

  “It is so good seeing you again.”

  “I know,” I said. “I’ve missed you,” There, I had said it.

  “Yeah, me too. More than you will ever know.”

  Again a pause descended. This time it didn’t feel awkward as we studied each other.

  “So tell me,” I said.

  “What?” he asked.

  “Everything, I want to know it all. School, The band. Everything.

  He laughed. “There’s not much to tell. I got my Diploma though. You are looking at a High School graduate.” His smile grew even more. He was proud. He’d worked hard. How many kids on their own since fifteen would finish high school?

  “Congratulations, I never doubted you’d do it.”

  “Yeah, well. I discovered I hate school. It bored me to my bones. I’d get the shivers every time I had to step into class. I had to find something, some reason to get up in the morning. You know.”

  I laughed, “Yeah I know.” I said then filled him in on my mom being back in the hospital. Getting up in the morning, going to work, then coming home to an empty house. It was not what I expected my life to be like.

  He nodded as if he understood. That was my Michael, he got me.

  “So, anyway. I hooked up with the guys you met tonight and we started a band. It took off right from the start. Jimmy’s good and he writes great songs.”