His Brother's Castoff

by Lena Nelson Dooley

  Eight

  August spent every free hour he had working on the house with Johan and the others. As he pounded nails or wielded a paint brush, he was fighting to get the jealousy under control again. He only went back to the Dress Emporium one time after seeing the farmer flirt with Anna. Anytime August saw Anna, the picture of her laughing up at the man flew into his mind. When he was back at the boardinghouse in the evening, that thought led to others. Memories of all the times Gustaf had been with Anna, when August wished he was the one with her.

  The more August tried to fight the feelings of jealousy, the harder the thoughts assaulted his mind. He knew what the apostle Paul was talking about when he taught about the fiery darts of Satan. August felt sure that these memories were part of Satan’s attack on him. He longed for the time when he had been able to control his thoughts.

  So as he worked, he tried to stay away from as many of the other men as he could. He was afraid to participate in the conversations. Afraid some of this poison would spill out and be revealed to others. And he didn’t want anyone else to know his shame.

  “August,” Gustaf called to him when it was about quitting time. “How would you like to come over for dinner tonight? I think Gerda and Anna will be there to cook so Olina will have a rest.”

  August finally turned toward his brother, but he kept his gaze on the ground. “Actually, I am so tired that all I want is a hot bath and to go to bed.” When he looked up at Gustaf’s face, he could tell that Gustaf didn’t think he meant what he said, but he turned back to do the last few strokes of painting he was working on.

  The workers would be finished with the Braxtons’ house that week. Marja and Johan would move in next week, then Gerda and Anna would be ready to take possession of the apartment.

  ❧

  Anna woke early and dressed in old clothes. Moving day had finally arrived. After eating the breakfast her mother prepared while Anna was dressing, she hurried back upstairs to pack the rest of her things. While she latched her last carpetbag, she heard the wagon pull around to the front of the house. Ollie and Lowell were such good brothers. They insisted that they could get all of her bedroom furniture on the wagon. If they couldn’t fit the other things on there with it, Ollie told her he would hitch up the buggy, and she could take the extra items in that.

  Anna was halfway down the stairs carrying two bags when Ollie came through the door. Lowell was right behind him.

  “Good morning, Sleepyhead.” Ollie reached to take the bags from her hands.

  “You are such a tease.” Anna held tight to the handles. “I can get these. You two can start with the big pieces.”

  In less than an hour, everything was loaded, and they were headed to town. Anna would probably be there before Lowell and Ollie. Their wagon was piled high with heavy items. All she had in the buggy were her carpetbags and a trunk.

  When they got out on the road, Anna pulled around the wagon. “I’ll see you in town, slow pokes.” Anna waved at her brothers as she passed.

  She was not surprised to see that Gerda, August, and Gustaf were already at the apartment. They had two loads of furniture to bring from the Nilsson farm. Anna felt that God was smiling on her the way He provided all their needs for furnishings. Neither she nor Gerda would have to buy anything right away. Of course, they might want to add some decorating touches of their own to all the donated items.

  August was coming out the door of the apartment when Anna started up the stairs. She smiled up at him, but he brushed past her as if he was in a real hurry. What was wrong with him? Maybe he was grouchy because he had to get up so early this morning.

  “Anna.” Gerda stood in the doorway and called to her. “Come see how wonderful everything looks.” She swept her arm toward the opening to usher Anna inside.

  Anna took a deep breath. Home. This was her home. Hers and Gerda’s.

  ❧

  About the time everything had been unloaded and placed where the young women wanted them, Margreta Jenson and Ingrid Nilsson arrived with baskets of food. They bustled around the kitchen setting the table for their six hungry children and themselves.

  “Moder.” Anna grabbed her and hugged her. “And Mrs. Nilsson, how thoughtful you are. This food smells heavenly.”

  “I couldn’t agree with you more.” Gustaf followed his nose to the kitchen.

  Soon they were all seated at the large dining room table.

  “Gerda,” Anna looked around the room, “I thought the table was too large for the two of us when you showed it to me in the attic. But there’s plenty of room for it and all the chairs. You’ve even brought the china cabinet. It’s elegant, and we have room for company.”

  While they shared conversation as well as food, Anna noticed once again that August seemed more quiet than usual. Perhaps something was wrong with him. She hoped that he wasn’t sick or something. He had been working hard to help the Braxtons finish building their house. Maybe he was exhausted. She wondered if any of his family had noticed the change in him.

  ❧

  August hoped no one noticed that he was trying to keep out of Anna’s way. He tried to act natural. Maybe it was working.

  When they finished eating, he returned to the smithy and stirred up the coals in the forge. It didn’t take long to get the answer to his unasked question.

  About an hour and a half after he left, Gustaf walked through the open door. The sun reflecting off the remnants of the last snowfall cast his shadow across the room. August turned from what he was doing.

  “Are you going to tell me what’s bothering you?” Gustaf came right to the point.

  August looked at the determination on Gustaf’s face and decided not to try to lie to him.

  “What makes you think something is bothering me?”

  “I know you well enough to know when something is bothering you. You were pretty sullen the last week or two that we were building the house. Gerda tells me that you haven’t been to the store to check on her for quite awhile, and didn’t you promise Far that you would?”

  August looked down and scuffed the dirt floor with the toe of his boot. “She hadn’t moved to town yet.”

  “But you used to go see her several times a week.” Gustaf sounded stern now. “And I saw how you’ve been avoiding Anna. Has something happened to cause you to be rude to her?”

  August snorted. He wasn’t going to get out of this discussion. He wished that he could disappear into the ground. He didn’t want to bare his soul to Gustaf, especially since he had been jealous of him so long. He looked toward the ceiling. Gud, now would be a good time to intervene. When nothing happened, he looked at his brother, noticing for the first time that his eyes were filled with compassion. Gustaf really cared.

  August turned back to the forge and closed the damper. This could take a long time, and he didn’t need a roaring fire getting out of control.

  “I’m not sure I know how to tell you what’s wrong.”

  “August, I’m your brother. I love you, and anything you tell me will remain between the two of us.” Gustaf leaned against the table that ran along the wall of the smithy. It was his favorite place when he came in to talk to August.

  August joined him there. At least it would be easier to explain if they weren’t face to face. “I’m fighting some fierce spiritual battles.”

  After a long pause, Gustaf said, “I know that you don’t drink, or gamble, or chase women. So tell me what the battle is about.”

  “Jealousy.” The word hung in the air between them for a long time.

  When August didn’t say anything else, Gustaf finally asked, “What kind of jealousy?”

  August stood up and stalked across the smithy. He stood with his back to his brother, watching the flames grow smaller and smaller as he recited the ugly truth in a monotone.

  “I’ve been jealous of you as long as I can remember. You were the perfect son. And I wasn’t.” August didn’t want to see the expression on Gustaf’s face at this pronouncement. �
��When we came to America, I fell for Anna the first time I saw her. But I was the quiet son. The shy one. Before I could work up my courage to speak to her, there you were charming her. The jealousy increased every time I saw you together.”

  Finally August couldn’t stand it any longer. He turned around to look at Gustaf. His head was bowed, and he looked as if he had been hit in the stomach with a poleax. August hated to rock the boat or upset anyone. This had been harder than he thought it would be. He knew as he looked at the way Gustaf’s shoulders drooped that he loved his brother, even though he was jealous of him.

  Gustaf raised his head. “When I told Anna that I couldn’t see her anymore, why didn’t you approach her after that?”

  August didn’t want to speak this out loud, but he had come this far. He might as well reveal all the ugliness. “I didn’t want your castoff.”

  Gustaf’s stricken eyes met his. “How could we have gone so wrong?”

  Once more August was disgusted. Disgusted at himself for his weakness. “We haven’t gone wrong. I have.”

  Gustaf came toward August and put his arm over his shoulders. “I think we need to go down to the church. If we sit and talk there, maybe God will give us some special insight.”

  August nodded. He followed Gustaf out into the cold, sunny day. After closing the big double doors, he dropped a board across them. Gustaf waited for him, and they walked the mile to the church in silence.

  Once inside the cool building, the brothers sat on the front pew looking at the cross hung on the wall behind the pulpit. Silence stretched between them, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Each man listened for the voice of God to speak into his heart.

  Gustaf got up and stepped onto the platform. On a shelf behind the pulpit, he found the extra Bible the pastor kept there. Picking it up, he returned to sit beside his brother. After turning through several books, he stopped and started reading.

  “Here’s a verse for you.” Gustaf looked up at August before he continued reading. “ ‘Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.’ I found this in the Song of Solomon the other night.”

  August looked at him. “I can honestly say that’s not a book that I’ve ever read.”

  “It says that love is strong as death and jealousy as cruel as the grave. You work with hot coals. You know what they can do when they are allowed to burn hotter and brighter.”

  August nodded. In the past, he had often studied God’s word. Many times he had been refreshed with a new revelation when he read a familiar passage. But he hadn’t spent much time in Bible study lately.

  “God said that jealousy can burn like a blazing fire. Jealousy can consume you and destroy you the way fire destroys. Jealousy can burn up all that is good inside you.”

  August thought about that for a minute. “I know that’s true. It has been like a fire in my belly, devouring the goodness in me.”

  “Not all the goodness.” Gustaf turned several more pages in the Bible. “Proverbs 27:4 says, ‘Wrath is cruel, and anger is outrageous; but who is able to stand before envy?’ Envy here is just another word for jealousy.”

  “I haven’t been standing very strong before it.” August put his elbows on his knees and dropped his head into his hands. “I’ve tried, and things get better. Sometimes, the good times last a long time. Then once again I will be overcome with the jealousy.”

  Gustaf started murmuring words that were too soft for August to hear, but he knew that his brother was praying. When Gustaf finished, he sat as if he were listening again. After a few moments, he once again turned some of the pages.

  “ ‘All the paths of the Lord are mercy and truth unto such as keep his covenant and his testimonies.’ That’s what Psalm 25:10 says. August, you need to get rid of that jealousy.”

  August raised his head. “Don’t you think I would if I knew how?”

  Gustaf patted him on the shoulder. “Maybe part of the problem is that you have been trying to fight it alone. God wants us to share our burdens with those who love us. Besides, there’s nothing for you to be jealous of from me. I love you, and I always have. You know that Anna wasn’t the person God intended for me to marry. I’m sorry I monopolized her and stood in your way. Can you forgive me?”

  August was amazed. Gustaf hadn’t done anything wrong. He was an honorable man, both with Anna and with his brothers, and he was apologizing. August looked deep into his own heart. How could he not forgive his brother? “I want to, and I’ll try.”

  “That’s all I ask. And I don’t want jealousy to destroy the man God intends you to be.”

  ❧

  When August got back to the boardinghouse that evening, he did something that he hadn’t done for quite awhile. He read his Bible. He reread the verses that Gustaf shared with him, but he read other passages, too. When he finished, he bowed his head and prayed. For the first time in a long time, he wasn’t burdened down with the jealousy.

  The next morning, he went by the apartment to see if Gerda and Anna would accompany him to church. When he first saw Anna, his heart nearly flipped over. She was so beautiful.

  “Of course we’ll go to church with you.” Gerda took his arm. “We were dreading walking all that way by ourselves.”

  August hit his forehead with his palm. “Why didn’t I think to bring a buggy?”

  “It’s okay,” Anna said as she picked up her reticule. “I don’t mind the walk. We sit too much when we work.”

  During the service, August had a hard time keeping his mind on the sermon. Anna was sitting on the other side of Gerda. He was aware of every tiny move she made. She rearranged her skirt several times. Once she hid a cough behind a handkerchief she pulled from her handbag. He had been so intent on Anna that the service was over before he realized it,.

  August took Gerda’s arm when she started to get up. “Would you two beautiful ladies let me take you to lunch at the hotel? We could celebrate your move.”

  During the meal, August tried not to be too obvious about watching Anna. She was the epitome of a gracious, independent woman. But he wished for so much more. At least she hadn’t mentioned the new farmer he had seen at the Dress Emporium. There had been no need for August to be jealous of him. It was another lie of Satan that tormented him far too long.

  August planned to take a nap after the large meal, but when he returned to his room, he sat in the chair and stared out the window. The feelings he had for Anna were the kind a man should have for the woman he planned to marry. What could he do about that?

  He prayed and asked the Lord if Anna was the woman he should marry. The peace that filled his heart seemed to be God’s blessing on the match. But August knew that Anna wasn’t ready for marriage yet. She was too intent on her new life.

  “How can I help her love me?” August knew there was no one there to answer him, so he got up and paced across the room and back. “I’ll just have to pray for her and find ways to show her my love.” So he started making plans.

  Nine

  Anna turned the skirt she was working on so she could sew the other side seam. When she did, she twisted her hips a little to make them more comfortable. She had been sitting at the sewing machine in one position too long.

  “Have you noticed how often August has been coming by the shop?” Anna didn’t take her gaze from her work when Gerda spoke to her. The young women often talked while working and were not distracted from their respective tasks.

  “He did promise your father that he would check on us often. That’s the main reason you were allowed to move into the apartment with me.”

  Anna came to the end of the seam and stopped pedaling. She cut the thread and tied the two pieces in a knot close to the fabric to keep the seam from pulling apart. She pivoted on her seat, enjoying the cushioning.

  Gerda glanced up from the lace insertion she was sewing into a sleeve. “But did he promise to
make us a padded sewing chair, too?”

  “No. August was being kind.” Anna turned back to the sewing machine and started on another seam.

  “Yes, he was.” Gerda shook the sleeve out before starting to baste it to the rest of the blouse. “Your brothers Lowell and Ollie promised to check on us, too, but they don’t come every day. . .and they don’t bring us gifts all the time either.”

  “August doesn’t bring gifts all the time.”

  “The new display tables he made. . .a book of poetry for the apartment. . .flowers for the showroom. . .a box of Irish linen handkerchiefs with embroidered flowers and dainty lace edging. Actually, he only brought the handkerchiefs to you. Remember, I wasn’t here, and he knew I would be spending the day with Olina. Those were only for you.”

  Anna stood up and held the skirt by the waist so she could shake out any wrinkles. She could feel the heat warming her face. Probably another one of her blushes. Why did she do that? People with fair skin were supposed to be the ones to blush, not her.

  “I tried to tell him that he shouldn’t give them to me, but he was insistent. . .and they were so pretty. . .”

  Gerda laughed.

  Anna started folding the skirt. “Well, the padded chair he brought to use with the sewing machine was for both of us.”

  “August knew that you use the machine much more than I do. I think he made it with you in mind.”

  Anna laid the folded skirt on the shelf to wait for Gerda to sew the hem by hand. It was time for her to take a break, and she needed to get away from this conversation. She walked into the showroom.

  No one had come into the shop all day. She wondered if the Braxtons’ store had been busy. Sometimes Wednesdays were slow days for both the mercantile and the Dress Emporium. She decided to go ask Marja about their customers, so she hurried toward the door to the mercantile. She glanced down for a moment and barreled into a rock-hard wall. A warm wall covered with plaid. Plaid with arms that gathered her against it.