“Peachy.” In every sense of the word.
“Good, because I don’t care about jungle juice.” She straightens. “I don’t care about the party or even the stupid deal. What I care about is why my daughter looks like she’s lost her best friend. Talk to me, Emma. What’s really going on?”
I ran out of tears Saturday night, so I sit there, numb and staring at my coffee. “I don’t even know where to start.”
“How about this? You met him…”
“At a bar.” I jump my gaze to her, gauging her reaction. She doesn’t even blink. I don’t know if I’m relieved or offended my mom isn’t the least bit surprised I pick up guys at bars. “He was set up by his douchy friends to talk to me. I was the DUFF.”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“The designated ugly fat friend.”
“Hmm.” She doesn’t say anything else and sips her coffee, and doesn’t have to. The fact I called myself a DUFF burns in her expression. “And you went along with that?”
“What do you think?”
“I think you told him off, told his friends off, and probably told off a few strangers just for good measure.”
“You know me so well.” I smile and take another sip. My mom makes the best coffee on the planet. I’ve missed it. I’ve missed her. It’s time to give her the details of my predicament. “His name is Ryan. We made a deal. I turn him from a zero to a hero. In return, he takes me to the biggest party of the year. He was the biggest nerd I’d ever met. I wrestled him into contacts. Got rid of his mullet. Even turned him into a sharp-dressed man.”
“A mullet?”
“A full-on mullet.”
She laughs. “I haven’t seen one of those since my infatuation with Billy Ray Cyrus.”
“Who?”
She laughs again. “Never mind. And what’d you get out of the deal?”
I lose my smile and once again stare into my coffee cup. “Hurt.”
“Baby, don’t look at it like that. Tell me one thing about him you miss.”
“The way he makes me laugh. He’s so funny.” I close my eyes as memories pop up. With each one, I confess it to my mom. “He’s smart. Has terrible accents. He’s not afraid of eggs like I am. He’s got this lopsided grin that just melts me. When he asks me about my day, he really wants to know the answer. The way he stands up for me. He puts me first.” I open my eyes and blink at her. “At least I thought he did. I guess I’m not enough for a guy to stick around. It’s just dad all over again.”
She sets her coffee on the counter and walks around the island to sit next to me at the breakfast bar. “It’s time we set the record straight. There’s a few things about your dad you don’t know.”
“I know he’s a coward for leaving us instead of sticking around.”
“That’s where you’re wrong.”
I freeze and stare at her. “What do you mean?”
“Andy and I were high school sweethearts. He was captain of the football team.”
“And you were the head cheerleader.” I moan and recite the story I’ve only heard a million times. Here I thought she was about to tell me something I don’t know. “He had a full-ride scholarship to college when you found out you were pregnant with me. He never got over that. When he got the first taste of freedom, he bolted. I know the story, Mom.”
“Not the whole story,” she hesitates and drops her gaze. My guard is up. It’s not like her to avoid my eyes. “Your dad loves you, whether you believe that or not.”
“He treats me like a regret.”
“He treats me like the regret,” she corrects, shocking me. “It’s not you. It’s what you remind him of. Me.” She smiles sadly. I’m too stunned to do anything but listen. “He gave up everything for me. Not because of me. For me. You think that football scholarship meant more to him than holding you for the first time?”
“Then why’d he leave?” I ask in a small voice. “Why’d he trade you in on a younger model? Why’d he turn his back on us?”
“Because that’s exactly what I did. I cheated on him. More than once. He wasn’t away at conferences all the time. That’s just what we told you. He didn’t even have a job in sales. Every time he left, it was because of me.”
“Because you cheated? All those times?”
“It wasn’t always because of that. Yes, I cheated and he walked out, but he always came back. When he did, we’d fight. And fight. And fight. It got to the point the only time we weren’t fighting was when he was gone. That’s when we agreed to split for good. When he left that last time, he begged me to let him take you. I said no. He returned with a version of me he wished I’d been. That’s what you remember. He didn’t turn me in for a younger model. He turned me in for the woman he thought he’d married.”
She rests her hand on my shoulder. Her voice thickens as tears swell in her eyes. “Your father didn’t leave because of you, Emma. He left because of me. Every time I saw him it reminded me of what I’d done. I told him to stop coming around, that we’d be fine without him. Don’t you see? He never walked out on you. I sent him away.”
“What?” I stumble away from the counter as the shock hits me full force. And here I thought Ryan’s betrayal was my lowest point. Having my own mother lie to me for all these years is a new all-time low.
“I’m sorry, baby. I just couldn’t stand keeping it from you anymore.” She stands and faces me. “Say something.”
I want to hate her. To unleash on her all the pain and suffering I’ve carried with me for so many years. Instead, I think of Ryan and his father. They only have months together, if that. Nothing in the past is worth sacrificing a future together. I don’t know how much time I have with my mom, but I’ll take every minute.
“I love you, Mom.” I run into her arms. She wraps her arms around me so tight I can’t breathe, and I’m okay with that. “I mean, I kind of hate you right now, but I love you.”
“You do?”
“Life is too short to keep shit like that from each other. I’m mad at you, but I’ll get over it because I love you.”
She laughs through her tears and says the one thing I need to hear. “I’m glad you see it that way. I’m not the only one you need to say that to, Emma.”
46
[Ryan]
I sigh as I watch my brother make a fool of himself. I wish I could say it’s a rarity in our house, but it’s not. Get a few beers in him and he transforms from a somewhat tolerable person into a complete asshole. Instant dick, just add alcohol.
We’re sitting in our dad’s den, his favorite refuge. It’s been a week of hell being stuck in Seattle, in a penthouse I hated growing up in, watching my brother get drunk every night while my dad sits in his high-back leather chair, slowly slipping away from us. Mom steps in and out, telling us how much she loves us before disappearing again. I don’t ask where she goes. I don’t want to know.
“Let me get this straight.” Derek is in full form tonight. Always the center of attention. He’s had a few too many beers to really add to his charm. I glance at Dad, who only shakes his head. “You let this TA bark—I mean break you up? How’s that happen?”
“Maybe you should switch to water.” I nod at the bottle in his hands.
“Maybe you should blow me.”
“Derek,” Dad warns. Derek’s not taking Dad’s announcement of selling off divisions of the company too well.
“No.” He stands, sways, and then holds himself upright. “I won’t let you do it.”
“It’s already been done. I won’t have the stress of running this company on either of your shoulders. You aren’t ready and I’m not willing to let some stranger take it over. The assets will be divided equally between the two of you. I’ll turn what’s left over to the board.”
“What about Mom?” I ask. “She needs to be taken care of.”
“I’ve already got that handled. She’ll be fine.”
I nod and pull in a deep breath. It’s so surreal, making plans like this. I’m
walking through what happens after he dies. After my dad dies. I don’t know why I’m so calm, only that I am. He may be a bastard, but he’s the only dad I have.
“Dad, come on. I’m ready.” Derek blinks several times, each time taking longer and longer to lift his eyelids.
“Clearly.” He sighs and pinches the skin between his eyes. It’s something I’ve seen Agent Snyder do. “Derek, see if your mom is off her conference call. I’d like her to join us.”
“You got it.” He moves to the entryway—not gracefully. “See? Told you I got this.”
Once he leaves, my dad regards me. “He’s not taking this as well as he took the news of my tumor.”
“Give him time.” It’s not right me having to be the adult and give my dad advice. None of this is right. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine. No, really. I see the way you look at me, at the way you watch me. I’m not a fragile piece of glass. I’m not going to break, Ryan.”
I grin. Sort of. “You called me Ryan.”
“I like it. It fits you.”
“Yeah.” I stare at my feet, missing Emma so much I can barely breathe. I ache. I physically ache, which I didn’t know could happen without running too many miles to clear my head.
“Ryan, there’s something I need to ask you.”
“Okay.” I brace myself. He called me Ryan again. This time, it doesn’t sound so nice. His tone is hard, sharp. His expression cools. He’s back to the stone-faced man I go out of my way to avoid.
“Why, son? Why get into bed with TREX after I specifically forbade it?” He stares me down. I drop my gaze as guilt weighs me down so fast I fight to keep my shoulders square. It doesn’t surprise me that he knows. My dad has a way of finding out things no one else can. “Do you hate me that much? Why would you want to be a part of an agency hell bent on destroying what I’m trying to do?”
“What is it you’re trying to do?” I can’t talk above a heavy whisper. I still can’t look at him.
“What did they tell you?”
I’m tired of the evasive answers. He’s so good at them. I never know when to push and when to let it go. “Nothing.”
“My resources tell a different story.”
“What resources?”
He simply looks at me, shutting me up. I return my attention to the floor. I hate that look. As if I don’t feel guilty enough. He has to glare at me as if I’m a bug he’s about to squish. “You only have one side of the story. Let me tell you mine.”
“I’m listening.” I’m just not going to look at him for fear the guilt will crush me.
“Several years ago a Senator Murphy approached me and offered me a membership into an elite society called the Order. With my money and status, I had what the group needed to advance their cause. The first few years worked out quite well. With their help, I built the Ryan empire into what it is today. Then the power shifted. The internal struggles tore the Order apart. TREX had a hand in that. When the Order emerged a few years later, it wasn’t the same. What used to be a prestigious society had transformed into a high-powered mob. The only way to fight them was to become more powerful than their highest member.”
“That’s why you wanted to be a senator?” I finally look at him. “That’s why you’ve been buying your way onto all those college boards? To buy votes from all the rich families?”
“No, son. To stop the Order from pushing their agenda into the schools. They have enough power to turn out an entire generation of members. I’m trying to stop that from happening. It’s been my life’s work ever since I discovered their plan.”
Holy shit. My dad’s a hero. Now I feel even worse for turning in all that intel on him. “I had no idea. I don’t think TREX does, either.”
“That’s why you have to tell them.”
“I don’t understand.” I’m confused and a bit dazed. A minute ago he looked ready to kill me for getting involved with the covert agency. Now he wants me to work with them? “You want me to stay with TREX?”
“I do. I can only do so much before I’m gone.” He closes his eyes and sighs, and I swallow thickly. I hate being so helpless. I can’t do anything to stop this from happening. “But you can.”
“How?”
“As a TREX agent. They have a deep interest in taking down the Order once and for all. You have to be a part of that. I want a Ryan there as the society falls. If that can’t be me, I want it to be you. Promise me you’ll do whatever it takes to bring down the Order. Reach out to Spencer Allen. He’s high in the ranks at TREX. He’ll know what to do.”
I blow out a breath. My dad just gave me permission to be a part of the agency I’d been hiding from him. The weight lifts and I sit a little taller. “I will.”
“Thank you, son.” His expression softens and, with a single nod, he closes the subject. I’m still processing the fact my dad not only knew about TREX, but just gave me permission—a direct order—to stay with the agency.
Derek returns with a full beer. “Mom’s already gone. I texted her, but she didn’t reply.” He flops into a chair and picks at the label. “It’s not like she’d join us anyway. She never does.”
Great. He’s gone from obnoxious drunk to depressed drunk. At least he’s close to passing out. I really hope he gets over this drunk phase before it becomes permanent. I can’t lose both my dad and my brother.
“How about we play gin rummy?” Dad asks and stands to pull the deck of cards from the drawer at the bar. “Playing with Emma reminded me of how much I loved the game.”
Hearing her name makes my heart hurt. I stare at the floor, no longer in the mood to do anything more than, well, stare at the floor.
“Deal me in.” Derek joins him at the bar and takes a seat. “Come on, bro. Grab a beer and join us.”
“I don’t want a beer.”
“I’ll take one,” Dad says, shocking me. Derek grins and reaches under the bar to the mini-fridge, but stops when Dad says, “Actually, let’s have something a bit stronger.” He positions three glasses on the bar and pulls the decanter down from the shelf. The top shelf. “This is some of my best scotch.”
Even though I hate scotch, I’m drinking with my dad, so I accept the drink and lift the glass. “To being a Ryan.”
“I’ll drink to that.” Derek gulps half the glass. I know why. He hates scotch as much as I do. He shudders and groans, “Smooth.”
We all laugh. I sip and have to swallow twice to keep it from coming back up. It’s awful stuff and burns the entire way down. Dad deals the cards and we get through a few hands, laughing and sharing stories about college experiences. They even listen to mine like they really want to hear it. It’s nice.
Derek has turned an interesting shade of green. He drops his cards on the bar. “I done. I gonna bed.” He staggers out.
My dad collects the cards and shuffles. “That took longer than I thought.”
“Dad?”
“I knew giving him scotch would send him over the edge. What’s that saying? Beer before liquor, never sicker.” He grins and lifts his glass. I tap it with mine as I chuckle. I had no idea my dad could be kind of cool. “He’ll sleep it off and hate life tomorrow. Maybe a day-long hangover will snap him out of this phase of drowning reality in a bottle.”
God, I hope so. Instead of dealing another hand, he takes his drink and returns to his high-back leather chair. “Can I ask you another question?”
I join him and brace myself for another bomb. “Sure.”
“Why’d you let her go?”
Again, shock racks my system and rattles my nerves. “Like I told you, it was part of the deal.”
“Breaking up at the DASH was part of the deal,” he corrects, like I need it. “The way you described it, you humiliated her.”
“I get it. I screwed up.” As if I don’t feel bad enough.
“That you did,” he says and adjusts in his chair. It takes him longer than it used to. Everything takes him longer than it used to. “If I may offer some advice
.”
I don’t want his advice. And yet, I do. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to get it. “What’s that?”
“You need to fix this, Ryan. She’s good for you. You’re good for her, too.”
“I don’t know about that.” I’ve never opened up to anyone but Emma, my dad definitely included. We’re finally getting along after so many years of him shoving his plans for me down my throat instead of letting me decide my own future. If I tell him what I did and how I did it, he may go back to finding fault with everything I do like my brother does.
I push my uncertainty aside. I want us to be friends before he’s gone and I lose that chance. Hopefully he feels the same. “Emma and I had a deal. She turned me into this.” I motion at my short hair, my swap out of glasses for contacts, and how I no longer dress like an old man.
“But you didn’t hold up your end. You didn’t take her to the DASH.”
“I did it to stop Nancy from going to the dean. Emma could have been kicked out of school. Let her hate me. Having her finish school is more important than some stupid party.”
“She doesn’t know what you did. She thinks you backed out of your deal. She believes she’s been played. By you.”
I cringe. “I still don’t know what that means.”
“Were you ever planning to tell her why you did what you did?”
“Originally, yes. I tried calling her over and over. I texted. She never texted back. That’s when I realized it won’t change what I did.”
“Tell her,” he urges and leans in, his gaze riveted to mine. “I told you about my involvement in the Order to motivate you to stay with TREX and finally take that damn society down. You needed both sides of the story. So does she.”
“But…” I don’t know what else to say.
“Stop fighting this.” He leans back. “Now would be a good time to start listening to me.”
47
{Emma}
I’ve never experienced a worse spring break in my life. My mom dropped me off mid-week since she had to work doubles to make up for missing the first half of the week. Campus was empty except for those of us without plans to star in the next Spring Break Gone Wild type films. Britt’s in California with her new Delta. She even dumped Mike for him. It must be love.
Reluctant Hero (TREX Rookies Book 1) Page 33
