For Money or Love

by Heather Blackmore

  “But all TJ cares about is me getting into college. I don’t want to go to college! I don’t care about college. Why can’t she let me do what I want?” Kara swiped at her wet cheeks with her sleeve. “I can make a good living, just like Dillon. He knows so much. He would’ve kept teaching me if I hadn’t…” She slumped onto the couch and hid her face in her hands.

  Jess’s lack of experience giving guidance to youngsters made her feel as though she were dropped into an air-traffic control tower and expected to safely guide incoming planes. Her appreciation for what TJ had to handle as Kara’s guardian grew exponentially, and as much as Kara wanted to make TJ out to be the bad guy, Jess couldn’t agree. She squatted in front of the girl and rested a hand on Kara’s knee.

  “Have you told her what you want?” Jess asked.

  “Only a thousand times,” Kara said disconsolately.

  “Which is what?”

  “Restore cars. I like fixing ’em too, but mostly I like making a rusty pile of metal into something beautiful and powerful. Dillon calls it extracting a butterfly’s wings from cooled lava.”

  “And you thought taking his car would get your point across?” Jess suggested gently.

  Kara shook her head. “At first I was angry. Like I wanted to get in trouble so she’d have to deal with it. But then…” She swallowed and wiped at fresh tears. “Then I wanted to get into enough trouble to go to jail for a long time.”

  “Why would you want to go to jail?”

  “Because then she won’t have to take care of me anymore.” Her next words sounded haunted. “And I won’t be in the way.”

  Though this quasi-parenting thing came with a host of uncharted territory, it involved certain precepts even Jess understood as sacrosanct. The bond TJ and Kara shared was as sure as tomorrow’s sunrise. Jess sat next to her and placed a hand on her back. Without doubt or hesitation, she said, “Kara, sweetie, you’re not in the way.”

  “She always puts me first,” Kara said. “I hate it. Did you know she left college to take care of me?”

  “Of all the people I know, TJ’s the last who could be forced into doing something against her will. If she left college, it was her choice.”

  “Family means everything to her. If she has to choose between herself and me, she’ll always choose me.”

  “Because she loves you. I don’t fault her for that.”

  “I don’t deserve it.”

  “Oh, sweetie. Yes, you do.”

  “No.” Kara shook her head.

  “Why do you think that?”

  “If I’d been better, Mom wouldn’t have…” Kara slid to the floor and pulled her knees to her, as if trying to shrink down so small she couldn’t be seen. She repeatedly shook her head, and Jess wasn’t sure Kara could continue, or if she wanted her to.

  Finally, Kara drew in a ragged breath. Her voice was so soft and anguished, Jess struggled to hear. “I wasn’t worth sticking around for.”

  Okay, that did it. No child should hold such an unfair and inaccurate view of themselves, and Jess didn’t need to be Dr. Phil to know what to do next. She slipped to the floor, pulled Kara into her arms, and held fast.

  The girl’s sobs tore at Jess’s heart. Jess repeated words of comfort while stroking Kara’s hair and back, surprised at how petite she was beneath the boy clothes she wore. How had Kara arrived at such a terrible conclusion about herself? At sixteen, a girl is becoming independent and learning how the world works, facing pressures about her future, yet not sufficiently emotionally developed to maintain control over her feelings. Once she considered Kara in that light, Jess had an easier time understanding how she could move so quickly from angry to inadequate, from lashing out to breaking down.

  Jess had only some idea of the circumstances that had caused TJ to become Kara’s guardian. Losing a parent so young was hard, as Jess well knew. Losing the remaining parent to an unyielding self-destruction would have been devastating. TJ had experienced the same loss as her sister, yet instead of being of an age to continue attending school and striving to maintain a sense of normalcy by doing so, she was thrust into the demanding role of guardian and provider. No wonder TJ was so heavily self-reliant. With her parents gone, who else could she have turned to?

  How much would it tear TJ apart to hear Kara’s tormented words of doubt? How much might it mean to Kara’s self-worth to work hard following her dreams, dreams that had nothing to do with attending college? Would TJ be able to let go of her wishes for Kara’s education if it helped shore up Kara’s self-regard?

  “I can’t speak for your mom, sweetie, but you’re definitely worth sticking around for. She loved your father, yes?” Jess felt Kara nod against her chest. Recalling TJ’s words about heartbreak and alcohol, Jess asked, “And she drank?” Again, Kara nodded. “After he died?” Another nod. “It sounds like she was battling severe depression over his death. Neither you nor TJ caused it, and it didn’t make your mom love you any less. It’s an illness, sweetie, and like any illness, if left untreated it can get worse over time. And adding alcohol is like trying to put out a fire with lighter fluid. She didn’t stop loving you, but it was like she woke up alone in a room with no doors or windows, no light and no sound. You didn’t change. She just couldn’t reach you.”

  Kara mumbled a response Jess couldn’t make out. Jess pulled back momentarily so she could hear.

  “She didn’t try,” Kara whispered.

  Jess didn’t know how Kara’s mother, a woman who produced two amazing daughters, could have lost sight of how precious and important they were. While the woman’s loss had been profound, she’d tragically compounded it by focusing on her husband’s death instead of the very alive and vibrant children who needed her. But depression was a complex, insidious beast that defied reason, and the woman apparently could no longer see the beauty and love surrounding her.

  “I’m sure it felt that way to you, and it’s a terrible feeling. But let me ask you this. Do you think TJ was worth sticking around for?”

  This time it was Kara who pulled back. “Totally.”

  “You both were. Are.” Jess tucked an unruly strand of hair behind Kara’s ear, an oddly comforting yet fruitless gesture considering the girl’s hairstyle was one of purposeful unruliness. “Your mom was sick, sweetie. You have to look at it that way and know she didn’t leave you because of anything you did.”

  She watched Kara struggle to accept her words. Jess’s comment about TJ being worth it had clearly registered, but it seemed too much for Kara to believe she was too. But at least Jess had gotten her to consider the possibility, given that she had likely struggled with her self-worth for years.

  Kara scooted several inches away until she was out of reach. Jess sensed the girl was starting to feel embarrassed at her show of emotion. “Sorry to be such a minefield. Probably really makes you want to have kids, huh?”

  Jess stared at Kara for a moment before bursting with laughter at the non sequitur. “I’m not sure anything would make me want to have kids, but I honestly haven’t thought about it much. I think I need to find someone I can stand to date more than twice before I go down that path.”

  “You and TJ have gone out more than that.”

  Jess took a deep breath. TJ wasn’t a subject she wished to broach. “Your sister and I are friends.”

  “You dated.”

  Not privy to whatever TJ had told Kara, Jess said, “Briefly.”

  “When did you break up?”

  “I’m not sure breaking up is the right term. We never talked about being exclusive, and we were never girlfriends.”

  “It was last weekend, wasn’t it?”

  Jess didn’t want to make it seem to Kara as though it was a big deal, as though it hadn’t shaken her to her core. “Around then.”

  “She ended it, didn’t she? She wouldn’t answer when I asked.”

  Jess wanted to say it was none of Kara’s business, but now wasn’t the time to alienate her. She nodded.

  “Beca
use of me?” Kara asked.

  “Of course not.” Jess was adamant. In truth, Jess wasn’t entirely clear as to TJ’s reasoning, and TJ had implied her decision related to Kara. But none of it was Kara’s fault, and Jess wouldn’t make Kara the scapegoat. No couple was insulated from the influence of people and pressures that could affect them. But if they cared enough, they could face and work through those challenges together. It didn’t mean that they didn’t need to perform certain juggling acts; it didn’t mean other important people became somehow less so.

  Kara’s chin trembled. “You should be together.” More tears threatened. “It’s because of me you’re not.”

  Kara was right. This was a minefield, and Jess was forced to traverse it without any detection tools. “We should be together. And I intend to fight for her. But I can tell you this unequivocally. You are not the reason we aren’t together. TJ is. Actually she and I both are, because I gave up too easily.”

  “If I’m out of the picture, you—”

  “Stop. Absolutely not. Kara, if you go to jail, you’ll break your sister’s heart. And mine.” Frustrated at being unable to curtail the direction of the girl’s thoughts, Jess took a different tack. “You are not in the way at all. I’m not going to bullshit you.” Jess inwardly winced at her language, but hell, the kid was sixteen. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t heard it all before. “TJ’s wrong about her and me, and I intend to tell her so. But if you’re taken away from her, she’ll be just as heartbroken over you as your mom was over your dad. Do you think I or anyone else would stand a chance if that happened?” Kara refused to meet Jess’s gaze. “Look at me.” Waiting until Kara raised her head, Jess repeated, “Do you?”

  “No.”

  “Do you think she’d even be capable of a relationship if that happened?”

  Kara shook her head and whispered, “I want her to be happy. You make her happy.”

  How was it possible for a heart to bleed yet expand in the same moment? Jess smiled and fought back her own tears as she brushed one from Kara’s cheek. Then she cupped her chin and said firmly, “So do you.” She cocked an eyebrow, waiting for Kara to agree. Then she tilted her head when a response wasn’t forthcoming, letting Kara know she wasn’t backing down. Finally, Kara nodded.

  “Now, how ’bout we discuss this little matter of the car out front, hmm?”

  Kara nodded again.

  “What would you like to do?”

  Kara twisted one of her hoodie strings. “I don’t know. I’ve never kept one before. I know joyriding’s, like, not okay either, but I’ve never wanted to actually steal anything, you know? But I did steal this one.” She dropped the tie. “So I guess, maybe, you should call the police.”

  Jess prevented herself from rolling her eyes. Of course Kara would feel badly enough about herself and what she’d done to believe she ought to go to jail. “Hmm. Let’s think about this. The car’s out front and not damaged. So…not really missing. I’m not sure what I’d tell them. Plus I already told Dillon it’s here.”

  “I can head back out, let you know which way I’m heading, and then you can tell them where you think I—”

  “I don’t believe you’d have come here if you really wanted to go to jail. And to be honest, orange wouldn’t be a good color on you.” That earned Jess a small smirk that inordinately pleased her.

  Silent for several moments, Kara finally said, “I guess I should start by returning the car.”

  “A very mature step. I’m proud of you.”

  Kara snorted. “I stole a car and you’re proud of me?”

  “Not your finest hour, I agree. But we all make mistakes. The trick is owning up to them and understanding how we made them so we can learn not to repeat them.”

  “Can I have the keys?”

  “Not on your life.” Jess winked.

  “But you just said you agree I should return the car.”

  “I said returning it would be a mature step, but I think we should let Dillon decide. We can let him know you’re offering to return it, but it’s his car. He’ll probably want to drive it himself or bring his flatbed to pick it up.”

  “Do any bus routes go by here? TJ will come for me, but I don’t want to ask.”

  “Tell you what. Why don’t you sleep here tonight? I’ll give Dillon another call, and we’ll handle it in the morning. It’s been a long day and the car’s not going anywhere.”

  “Really?” Kara’s face lit up.

  “Yes, really. I have tons of room, and you’re more than welcome.”

  Kara’s smile dimmed as she took in her surroundings. “I’ve never stayed anywhere so nice. I don’t want to ruin anything.”

  Jess laughed. “You’re not cooking, so there’s nothing to ruin, and clean sheets and towels are meant to be used. Give your sister a call while I call Dillon. Have you eaten?”

  “Not hungry.”

  “Well, if you get hungry, feel free to eat anything you find. There’s lots of stuff in the fridge. Make yourself at home after you call TJ. I’ll be right back.”

  When Jess finished speaking with Dillon, she returned to find a frowning Kara scrolling through her phone. “What’s wrong?”

  “Five missed calls and a bunch of texts from TJ.”

  “Did you call?”

  Kara nodded. “Went to voice mail.”

  The front gate buzzed again, and Jess opened the security app on her phone. A fretful TJ appeared onscreen. Jess showed Kara. “That would be why.” She bypassed the intercom and opened the gate. “Why don’t you shower and get your head together while I talk to her. Take any room down that way. Each one has a bathroom and fresh towels.”

  Kara shook her head. “No,” she said joylessly. “I’ll face the music.”

  “No doubt you will. But I’d like a word with her first, if that’s okay.”

  “I don’t want you in the middle. She likes you.”

  “A good thing considering she has to work with me.”

  Kara raised her gaze to Jess’s and smiled sadly. “You know what I mean. If I wasn’t in the way…”

  “Stop. Saying. That.” Jess caught Kara’s forearm. “You’re not in the way. She loves you.”

  Eyes downcast, Kara said, “I wish she didn’t.”

  “Kara.” Jess was frustrated that Kara didn’t seem to be taking to heart their earlier conversation, but Kara had felt that way year after year until it was crusted over. “Someone who’s in a great graduate program and interning at a top investment firm doesn’t sound like someone putting her life on hold. But I’m not going to argue. Your choice, sweetie.”

  Kara made a face. “I’ll save one of those clean towels for my mopping up once she’s done with me.” With that, Kara strode down the hall.

  When the doorbell rang, Jess took a calming breath before opening the door. This would be the first time they’d seen each other outside of work since TJ ended things between them. Despite that, and despite the reason TJ was here, Jess was glad she’d come.

  They stared at one another, neither comfortable starting a conversation sure to be even more awkward than this moment. Jess nearly whimpered at how good TJ looked, and it had nothing to do with attire. Concern over her sister’s welfare made TJ at once vulnerable and commanding. An image popped into Jess’s head of the formidable Cerberus, three-headed guard dog of the underworld. TJ’s protection of Kara rivaled the beast’s protection of Hades.

  Jess broke the silence. “She’s showering, and she’s fine. Please come in.” She stepped aside to let TJ by.

  “I’m so sorry about this. Dillon wouldn’t say anything other than he hadn’t contacted the police and she was okay. I assumed she ended up here. It’s probably hard for you to believe she knows better, but she does.”

  Jess shut the door. “I’m sorry you’ve been worried. She arrived a little while ago and told me what she’d done. I immediately called Dillon and asked him to call you.”

  “But not tell me where she was.”

  Needing tim
e to gather her thoughts so this didn’t deteriorate into an argument, Jess walked to the kitchen knowing TJ would follow. “Can I get you something to drink? Water, beer, wine, soda, cocktail?”

  “Hemlock?” TJ suggested.

  Jess laughed. “Sorry, no.” TJ’s attempt to lighten things up helped loosen Jess’s tight shoulders.

  “Water would be great, thanks.” TJ leaned against the counter. “As soon as she’s out of the shower, I’ll take her home. I’ll work out the car details with Dillon.”

  Jess took advantage of the time it took to gather the drink to figure out what to lead with. As she handed the glass to TJ, she said, “She was pretty upset when she arrived. Wasn’t happy you made her quit.”

  TJ grimaced and gave a curt nod. “I apologize for involving you in our family squabbles. Our dirty laundry isn’t exactly something I expected you to have to hear about.” TJ’s delivery was stilted, and Jess wondered whether TJ was uncomfortable at the prospect in general or whether she particularly disliked the idea that it was Jess specifically who got wind of it. Jess hoped it wasn’t the latter, or they didn’t stand a chance.

  “Please don’t apologize. She needed a friend tonight, and for whatever reason, she chose me. I’m glad she did.” Jess meant it.

  “Thanks for being there for her. I’m not always what she needs.” The comment was strained and tugged at Jess deeply. The hurt in TJ’s voice was unmistakable. It wasn’t jealousy. No, Jess pegged it as fear—fear of a rift beginning to tear the sisters apart the way a knitted sweater could unravel with the pull of one stray stitch.

  “TJ, I really think it would be good for her to stay the night. She needs to process what she’s done and how to make it right, and if you take her home, she’s going to defer to you. It might be good for her to have the opportunity to devise her punishment with Dillon directly.” And she won’t be as likely to think she’s in the way if you handle everything, she didn’t add.