Out of Mind

by Jen McLaughlin

  “Undo my pants,” I commanded, my own voice a little bit broken. “Then take yours off, too, but hurry up. I need you.”

  A desperate need to be buried inside of her consumed me. While she took her pants off, her hands trembled over every button and zipper. It consumed her, too. I could see it. Even though the light was on and I was looking like I now looked, she still wanted me.

  This was what love was.

  She dropped to her knees between my thighs and undid my button. I gritted my teeth and helped her remove my jeans. Next went my boxers, and then she grabbed a condom out of the drawer by my bed. Instead of putting it on me, she lowered her mouth to my cock and licked it.

  Holy fucking shit.

  “Carrie, not tonight. I need…I need…” I grabbed the condom and ripped the foil open with the help of my teeth. “I need to fuck you. Hard. Hot. Now.”

  “Yes.”

  Her cheeks flushed, she rolled the condom on my cock. She straddled my hips, her pussy right where I needed her, and lowered herself onto me with a soft sigh. With my good hand, I gripped her ass and drove into her fully. She let out a strangled scream, biting down hard on her lip. I paused. “Are you okay?”

  “No.” She shook her head, still biting her lower lip, and smacked my uninjured arm. “You stopped. Don’t. Stop.”

  Game fucking on. I moved beneath her, and she rode me hard. I could tell she was close, and I was close, too. So fucking close. “Touch yourself. I can’t do it, so you have to do it for me. You have to be my hands. Play with yourself like I do.”

  She skimmed her hands over her belly. There was no hesitation. My Ginger was getting bolder. I loved it. “Where do you want to touch?”

  I used my good hand to roll her nipple between my fingers. I wasn’t gentle or sweet at all, and she loved it. “Massage your clit while I fuck you.”

  She let out a moan, lowering her hand inch by torturous inch. When she started moving her fingers in a circle, masturbating in front of me, my stomach tightened and twisted. I almost came right there. I needed her that bad. “Oh my God. Yes.”

  I squeezed her breast and pumped my hips up hard. She moved over me faster. Her fingers picked up speed, too, and then she was arching her back and tensing. Her pussy squeezed down on me, and I let myself go. I didn’t close my eyes this time. I just watched her as she came; her lids squeezed shut and her pink lips parted.

  She was fucking gorgeous.

  I came so hard it almost hurt, and I clung to her as well as I could with one hand. She collapsed against my good shoulder and I let myself fall back against the mattress. I rubbed her back gently, trying to catch my breath. She seemed perfectly content to stay there on me, snuggled up as if we hadn’t just fucked each other rather than sweet lovemaking.

  We’d both needed it.

  She traced an invisible pattern on my shoulder. Or maybe she traced my tattoo. I couldn’t tell. “When I sleep next to you, do you have the nightmares?”

  “No.” My hand stilled on her back. “But you usually only come in after I’ve already had at least one.”

  “Want me to stay the whole night?”

  Fuck yeah, I did. “Your dad won’t like it.”

  “If he isn’t happy with it, we can go get a hotel room.” She lifted up on her elbows, resting on my chest. It was then that I realized she hadn’t even taken off her shirt. I’d have to make sure she got naked for me next time. “Your peace of mind is more important to me than my father’s rules.”

  The painkillers kicked in, thank fucking God, making my mind all fuzzy and loose again. “Then stay. I miss sleeping with you in my arms. Maybe you’ll chase away the nightmares.”

  She nodded against my chest. “Get on your pillow. You look like you’re about to pass out.”

  I scooted up backward to my spot, rolling halfway over on my side. I didn’t even bother to remove the condom. She rolled me onto my side more fully, removing it for me. Even though I wanted to protest, I couldn’t say a word. My eyes closed, and I started drifting off into my drugged la-la land.

  Maybe with her here at my side, I’d actually sleep. Maybe she was my pretty little dreamcatcher, fighting to keep the demons at bay.

  She turned off the light, pulled on some clothes, from the sound of it, and then slid into bed beside me. As she tucked me in, my last conscious thought was how very like my father I was right now. I’d tried to help him undress for bed so he could rest, and now Carrie was doing it for me. He and I were kinda the same.

  We were both slowly dying from the inside out.

  I got ripped from my sleep when Finn’s door flew open, banging against the wall. Finn cursed and sprung up as well as he could, picked up a knife I hadn’t even known he had from beneath the bed, and faced the door¸ breathing heavily. I scooted back against the headboard and blinked against the hallway light. Finn was completely naked, holding a knife, and mumbling under his breath.

  He looked…terrifying.

  “Who’s there?” he snarled, positioning himself between me and the threat at the door. “Speak now before I kill you.”

  “It’s me.” A man cleared his throat. And, God, I recognized that voice. “Senator Wallington. Sorry to barge in unannounced, Griffin, but you have to—”

  “Stop.” Finn looked over his shoulder at me, his face highlighted by the moonlight. I could see that the look in his eyes was somewhere between anger, fear, and desperation all mashed into one. He still held on to the knife. “Can you please give me a second to get dressed? I’m…I’m not decent.”

  I couldn’t see my father, but I could picture him taking in Finn’s nakedness. And he’d realize why Finn might be naked in three, two, one…

  “Who is in there with you?” Dad asked calmly. I heard him come closer. “You’re not alone.” It wasn’t a question.

  “Stop right there.” Finn stepped forward, blocking the light switch. “You’re not turning that light on, sir.”

  “The hell I’m not,” Dad growled under his breath. “If you’re messing around behind my daughter’s back, I assure you that my wrath is worse than what you experienced over there. You will never sleep again without picturing my—”

  Finn let out a strangled sound. “I’m not cheating on Carrie, sir.”

  “Then who…?” He broke off. “Carrie. That had better not be you behind him.”

  I closed my eyes in embarrassment. This was hell. Right here. Right now. I opened my mouth to talk, but Finn beat me to it.

  “Which is it you prefer, sir? For me to be cheating on her, or for her to be here instead of someone else?” Finn asked, his voice strained. He set down the knife on the nightstand. “What makes you think someone is here at all? Maybe I just sleep naked.”

  “I can see it all over you,” Dad said, his voice tinged with disgust. “Who is back there?”

  A light shone, and I cringed away from it. Damn those flashlight apps on the iPhone. Finn tried to jump in front of me, but it was too late. He’d seen me in Finn’s bed. Gr-eeeeat. “Hi, Dad,” I said softly, waving a hand. “Fancy seeing you here.”

  Dad shut off the light, completely ignoring me. “I was quite clear about my rules, Griffin.”

  “Yes, sir.” I saw Finn’s shoulders droop. “I’m sorry.”

  “I came to him, Dad. Not the other way around.” I tugged the covers higher, even though I had a shirt on. I felt exposed. “Stop yelling at him and yell at me.”

  “Or better yet, tell me why you’re in my room at—” Finn picked up and lit up his phone, “—one in the morning.”

  “I…you…” Dad trailed off, making a frustrated sound. “It’s your father. Get dressed and come quickly.”

  “My dad? But what—oh God.” Finn tossed his phone to the side, and I lunged out of the bed. “Oh God.”

  Before he could turn the light on, I already had his plaid pajama pants out of the drawer and was holding them out for him. The room flooded with light, and I thanked God I’d gotten dressed before I’d fallen asleep because
my dad was standing right there watching us with disapproval clear in his eyes.

  “Is he okay?” I asked, helping Finn into his pants. He was trembling. “Is Larry…is he…?”

  “Dead,” Finn said, his voice hollow. He met my eyes, looking broken and terrified. “She’s asking if he’s dead.”

  My dad’s face finally cracked. “No, but he had another heart attack. The ambulance is on its way, but with the snow this heavy, it might take a while.”

  “Shit,” Finn said, his voice broken. He closed his eyes, his jaw flexing. “Please, no. Not him, too. Not my dad.”

  I swallowed and placed a hand on his biceps. “Shh. Let’s go to him and—”

  Finn shook me off and pushed past Dad, bolting toward Larry’s room. He was only wearing his pajama pants, so I grabbed a sweatshirt out of the drawer and followed him. Dad stepped in my path before I could leave the room. “Carrie.”

  I glowered at him. “Now isn’t the time to lecture me for disobeying you. Finn needs me.”

  “I know. And I’m angry. Make no mistake.” Dad hesitated but grabbed my hand. “It’s bad, Carrie. He’s dying. He won’t make it this time. I can see it.”

  My heart slammed to a halt and sped up, all within the span of two seconds. My chest heaved, the tears that wanted to escape choking me, but I refused to let them free. “B-But he can’t die. Finn…h-he…no.”

  I slipped past him, running after Finn. If my dad was right, and Larry was dying…God, this would kill Finn. He was already going through so much. Could he possibly recover from this, too? He was still an unstable mess after all he’d been through overseas. If he had to bury his father on top of that, he would never be the same.

  He’d never be able to heal.

  I stopped in the doorway of Larry’s room. Finn knelt at his side, holding Larry’s hand with his uninjured one. “Dad, I’m here. You’ll be okay. Help’s coming.”

  I hovered in the doorway for a second. Finn kept talking to Larry, but Larry looked…oh God, he looked dead. His skin had an ashen gray color to it, and there were no signs of life left within him. Finn squeezed Larry’s hand and called out to him, but there was no reply.

  He was dead. Larry was dead.

  I blinked away the tears blurring my vision, not even bothering to try to hold them back. I hugged Finn’s sweatshirt to my chest and stepped forward, my grief choking me. He must’ve heard me. He turned around and his gaze fell on me. He looked scared, but not sad. It confused me until I realized…

  Oh my God. He didn’t know.

  “Is the ambulance here yet?” Finn asked, his voice rushed. “He said my name when I got here, but then he passed out.”

  I pressed my lips together tight. I couldn’t break down. Couldn’t cry. “They’re not here yet.” I went around to the other side of the bed and touched Larry’s hand. It was already getting cold and a little bit stiff. So freaking fast. “Finn…”

  He shot me a look. “Don’t talk to me like that. He’ll be fine.” Finn dropped his head to the mattress. “He has to be fine. We were just talking. Just…” Finn lifted his head and glowered at me. “Stop looking at me as if he’s dead. He’s not. He’s okay. Got it?”

  I nodded, not sure what to do or say. “O-Okay.”

  Finn placed a hand on Larry’s forehead. “He’s cold. Can you get him some extra blankets?”

  “Uh, y-yes. Sure.” I left the room and opened the linen closet down the hallway. As I pulled out some comforters, Mom and Dad came around the corner, talking quietly. When they saw me, they stopped in their tracks. “He’s still alive, right?”

  I closed the door and juggled the blankets. “I don’t think so. But Finn…he doesn’t know. I think he knows, but he can’t know. He can’t accept it yet.”

  Dad rushed past me, his face pale, and Mom hugged me. “Oh dear. This is going to hit all of us hard, but Griffin, well, he’s going to have a difficult time.”

  I released a huge sob, clinging to my mom and letting the comforters hit the floor at our feet. “I’m so scared. He can’t handle this right now. It’s going to kill him.”

  “I know.” Mom hugged me tight. “He’ll need you with him.”

  I nodded, let go of Mom, wiped my hands across my cheeks, and then picked up the blankets. I felt like shit, and knew it was only going to get worse, but Finn needed me at his side. I had to pull myself together. At some point, he would realize Larry was gone, and he’d need someone at his side when that happened. He’d need me.

  “This is going to kill him,” I repeated.

  Maybe I was in shock or something.

  “I know.” Mom grabbed my hand and didn’t let go. “But he has you to help him.”

  “I don’t think I’m going to be enough this time,” I said, my voice hollow and distant in my own head. “I’m not enough.”

  Finn

  I clung to Dad’s hand, praying with my eyes closed. I didn’t fucking pray anymore. God had stopped listening to me a long time ago. He’d taken my mom. Taken my unit. And now He was trying to take my father, too. Well, fuck that.

  I wouldn’t let Him.

  “You can’t have him,” I whispered, my face pressed to my father’s cold hand. Where the hell were those blankets, anyway? “I still need him. He’s not done here yet.”

  A footstep sounded in the doorway, and I didn’t bother to lift my head. I couldn’t look at her right now, those sad blue eyes of hers shining with pity. I didn’t need her pity. Dad wasn’t dying tonight. She could save her empathy for someone else.

  Anyone else.

  “Did you get the blankets?” I asked.

  “She’s getting them,” Senator Wallington said. Oh. It wasn’t Carrie behind me this time. “I’m just coming to check in on Larry. To s-see how he’s doing.”

  I struggled to my feet and stood between him and the senator, looking at him defensively. “He’s not dead.”

  “I didn’t say he was.” He held his hands up. “He’s my friend, Griffin. I just want to see him, like you. To make sure he’s okay.”

  I hesitated, letting him pass through. For some reason, I didn’t want anyone looking at him too closely. Didn’t want them to tell me he was…

  I stopped that thought right fucking there.

  Carrie’s dad sat on the opposite side of the bed and reached for Dad’s fingers with his trembling hand. “Larry.” He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. “I’m so sorry.”

  “No.” Rage swept through me, strangling me with the strength and depths it struck in me. I snatched Dad’s hand back and gave the senator what I hoped was an eat-shit-and-die look. “You don’t get to say a word about being sorry for him. He’s fine.”

  He stood up and covered his face. “Look, son, I know—”

  “I’m not your son!” I held Dad’s hand to my chest. “You don’t even like me, and don’t approve of me and Carrie at all. Let’s not mince words tonight.”

  He dropped his hands. “I don’t dislike you, Griffin.”

  “But you don’t like me, either.”

  He didn’t say anything to that.

  I squeezed my dad’s hand. Was it just me, or was it even colder? “Where is the ambulance? And where’s Carrie with the blankets?”

  “I’m here,” she said from behind me. She came to my side and gently laid blankets over Dad. “You doing okay?”

  I swallowed hard at the look of concern in her eyes when she glanced my way. She was looking at me as if she was scared I’d fall apart. I wouldn’t. “I just want the ambulance to get here already. Then I’ll be fine.”

  Senator Wallington cleared his throat. “Griffin, your father isn’t cold. He’s—”

  “Dad, don’t.” Carrie kneeled beside me and rested a hand on my upper back. “Just don’t. Let me handle this.”

  “I don’t need to be handled.” I looked at Carrie, swallowing hard when I met her eyes. There wasn’t pity, but there was sadness. So much fucking sadness. As if she knew he was gone, accepted it, and was worried for me.
“He’s not dead, Ginger. He can’t be dead. I…he…no.”

  The senator stepped forward again. “I know this is hard, Griffin, but—” Sirens sounded outside the window, and he cut himself off. “They’re here now.”

  “About damn time,” I said, my voice even. I knew what he was trying to say, but I didn’t believe him. I’d know it if my father was dead, damn it. I’d seen dead. This wasn’t it. “Can you let them in? I don’t want to leave him alone in case he wakes up.”

  “I’ll do it,” Carrie’s mom said. I hadn’t even realized she was here. “You stay with them, Hugh. Just in case.”

  Just in case what?

  Senator Wallington nodded. Carrie rested a small hand on my arm. “It’s going to be okay, Finn.”

  I nodded, but didn’t say anything. I could sense more than see the long, shared look between Carrie and her dad. I ignored it. “I know.”

  She laid her hand over mine and I clung to her, needing her strength now more than ever. But I didn’t let go of Dad. It seemed like it took ages for the paramedics to come inside, but when they did, I finally released Dad’s hand, but not Carrie’s, and moved out of their way. They came to the side of the bed and checked his pulse.

  Carrie’s dad leaned down and whispered something to the man. After he finished, they both looked at me. The paramedic bent over Dad, his fingers doing something I couldn’t see. Senator Wallington approached me, his eyes filled with sadness and acceptance. I wasn’t accepting a damn thing he told me. “Griffin, I know it’s hard, but he’s gone. There’s nothing we can do to save him now.”

  “You’re wrong.” I shook my head, my vision blurring. My heart thudded in my ears, and I backed up, dropping Carrie’s hand. I looked at the paramedic, who looked fucking terrified of me. “He’s alive, right? Tell me he’s alive.”

  The man looked at Senator Wallington before studying me. “His heart gave out. If it’s any consolation, he went fast. There wasn’t time to—”

  “No!” I fell to my dad’s bedside and shook him. “Dad. You have to wake up. Wake up right now, and show them you’re not gone.” I shook him harder. “Wake. Up.”