Out of Mind

by Jen McLaughlin

  “Sleep won’t change a damn thing. I’m done trying to make myself better for this family. Done trying to be good enough for her, when that will never happen.” I chugged the drink before I slammed the glass on the bar. “Be happy. You got what you wanted. You predicted it, even. Warned me in the hospital that I’d become too dark for her. Well, you’re right. So I’m leaving.”

  “Then go,” Carrie said, her voice so soft I almost missed it. “You don’t love me anymore?”

  I looked at her, wanting nothing more than to take it all back, but she was finally accepting it. I couldn’t give in to temptation now. “I can’t love you anymore, not like this.”

  Carrie flinched, but didn’t say a word. Senator Wallington wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Glaring at me, he said, “Then you need to leave.”

  I laughed, even though I wanted to shout at the top of my fucking lungs. “I’ve got nothing left here, so I’ll gladly leave.”

  “You had me,” Carrie said, her voice steady despite the tears streaming down her cheeks. She lifted her chin and stared me down. “But that wasn’t enough, was it? It was never enough, because this was always my fault. You blame me.”

  I met her eyes, my heart shattering into pieces. I wanted to deny it. Wanted to tell her how much she meant to me, but I just stared back at her, not saying a word. Carrie stared right back at me, not flinching. She waited for a second, obviously giving me one last chance to take it all back. I wanted to do it so damn badly. But instead I inclined my head, agreeing with her without speaking, because quite frankly? I couldn’t even if I tried right now.

  The tears I was holding back were choking the life out of me.

  She swallowed hard, nodded, and walked out of the room. The last vision I had of her was her leaving the room, her head held high, as she walked away from me.

  And she didn’t even look back.

  I dashed up the stairs full speed ahead, slowing down once I rounded the corner. I walked down the hallway toward my room in a daze. I couldn’t believe what had just happened, and yet in some ways, I’d known it was coming. The whole flight to Germany, I’d been going over and over in my head how I’d done this to him. Our relationship had ruined him. Had ruined his life. How could he ever love me after that?

  Easy. He didn’t. He’d told me as much.

  I’d ruined our chances at a happy ending. He blamed me for his injuries. So did I. Over the last month, I’d seen him pushing me away constantly, and I’d made excuses for it. I’d seen him deteriorating in front of my eyes every single day, and I’d let him. He hadn’t been shutting me out because he was healing. He’d been shutting me out because he didn’t want me around. He’d realized he didn’t love me anymore.

  I couldn’t fix that.

  I’d been out of my league with him, and he’d been going slowly out of his mind—with no one to help him stay afloat. We’d been a ticking time bomb, and it had only been a matter of time till it all exploded. I covered my mouth and choked on a sob, picking up the pace before someone saw me. My mom opened her door at the same time I ran past it. All it took was one look at me, and she was following me into my room.

  She closed the door behind her and opened her arms for me. “What happened?”

  I shook my head, my hands fisted together in front of me. “He…he doesn’t love me anymore, and it’s all my fault.”

  “What?” Her face fell. “Oh no. I’m so sorry, baby.”

  “How…why…oh my God, he doesn’t love me.”

  And then I burst into tears. I threw myself into her arms, finally letting myself cry. Really, really cry. I’d never cried like this before, and I didn’t think I ever would again. There would never be another love like Finn’s in my life, and I knew it. Knew this was it, the best love of my life. Gone forever.

  “Shh.” Mom rubbed her hand down my hair, over and over again, soothing me without words. But really, what was there to say? Nothing would ease this aching emptiness inside of me. Nothing ever could. “Shh, baby.”

  I couldn’t believe it. It was over. He was gone.

  Our first fight. Our first kiss. The way he’d laughed at the movie we’d watched that first night we spent together. Him on our “Christmas night,” so stoic and scared, but determined to better himself for me. It was all gone. All a memory.

  I shouldn’t have let him go overseas. That had been my first mistake. My second had been blindly believing in love. I wouldn’t be making that mistake again.

  Love obviously didn’t conquer all.

  By the time I finished sobbing all over Mom, she was soaked and I was exhausted. I pulled away from her and avoided her eyes, feeling like a child all over again. “Thanks, Mom. I’m okay now.”

  Only I wasn’t. Not at all.

  “Our first heartbreak is always the toughest.” She tucked my hair behind my ear and gave me a small smile. “It’ll get better.”

  I swallowed hard, looking away. I didn’t want to talk about it. It hurt too much. “I think I’m going to stay up here for the rest of the night, if you don’t mind? I’m not fit company.”

  “That’s fine, dear. People are clearing out now.” She stood up. “I’ll get you some cookies and milk. That always makes you feel better.”

  That might have worked for scraped knees and bad dreams, but nothing would fix this. I smiled anyway. “Yeah. That sounds lovely.”

  “Okay. I’ll be right back. Why don’t you get more comfortable?”

  I nodded, not saying anything. As soon as the door closed behind her, I ripped the stupid black dress off and threw it across the room. Next went my bra, my panties, my tights. Everything had to go. Everything that reminded me of this day.

  I hated him a little bit right now. I loved him. But, God, I hated him too.

  I stood naked in front of the mirror and looked at myself. I looked a little bit crazy right now, with black mascara running down my cheeks and my hair a hectic, frizzy mess. All I wore was the tattoo I’d gotten for Finn—which he’d never gotten to see—and the necklace he gave me.

  I closed my fingers around the clasp, ready to take it off…

  But I couldn’t.

  He might not love me anymore, but God, I loved him so much. I ran my fingers over the sun pendant before pulling pajamas out of my closet. I barely had them on when the knock sounded on the door. I sat down on the bed and started twisting my hair into a ponytail. “Come in.”

  The door cracked open, but instead of my mother, Riley poked his head in. I wanted to tell him to fuck off, channeling Finn one last time, but it wasn’t his fault Finn kept saying Riley was better for me. It wasn’t his fault Finn didn’t love me anymore.

  “Hey,” I said, my voice coming out hoarse and kind of frog-like. “You leaving?”

  He came inside, leaving the door wide open, carrying a tray of cookies and milk. “Yeah, I’m about to head out, but your mom asked me to bring these up real quick.” He set them on my nightstand, his green eyes studying me. “You okay?”

  I laughed. It sounded foreign to my ears. “Do I look okay?”

  “It’s Finn, isn’t it? You got in a fight because of the bruise. Maybe I could talk to him?” Riley shoved his hands into his pockets. “See if he needs a guy’s perspective on things? It might help.”

  I looked down at my lap, wringing my hands into knots. “He doesn’t love me anymore, and he blames me for his injuries. For his dad…for all of it…”

  Riley’s eyes went wide. “What? Bullshit. He loves you.”

  “No, he doesn’t.” I bit down hard on my lower lip. “He told me he doesn’t love me. We’re done. I wanted to be with him the rest of my life, and now it’s over. Just like that. Gone. Dead.”

  “Shit.” Riley hesitated for a second. He sat on the bed beside me and pulled me into his arms, but not too close. “I’m sorry. Are you sure he meant it? Maybe he just thinks he isn’t good enough for you anymore, and is pushing you away. It’s standard PTSD behavior.”

  I shook my head, blinking ba
ck tears. I refused to cry again. Finn had made me cry too much as it was. I knew why he was being this way, and I even understood it. But it didn’t mean I had to roll over and accept it without feeling mad, hurt, and betrayed. This sucked. “He looked me in the eye and said it to my face. It’s over.”

  Riley smoothed my frizzy hair back. “I know how you feel right now, but it’ll get better. Over time, it’ll hurt less.”

  I fought the urge to throat punch him for that platitude. It wouldn’t get better, and it wouldn’t fade. It would always hurt, like a festering, open wound that never healed. Did anyone realize how much I needed Finn? This wasn’t puppy love, and it wasn’t infatuation. It was soul-searching, heartbreaking, undying love.

  “Yeah, I don’t think it will. But thanks anyway, Riley.”

  I pulled back and looked into his eyes. He gazed at me with so much compassion that for a second, only a second, I wished I could have fallen in love with him instead. He was so nice. So perfect. I could totally see why Finn wanted me to be with Riley.

  Too bad he didn’t get to pimp me out like a rental doll.

  Riley patted my head. “Give it time. You’ll go back to school, hang out with friends, and it’ll all fade away to a painful memory.”

  I nodded, not having it in me to argue anymore, and swiped my hands across my damp cheeks. “I’m sorry you had to witness all this drama.”

  “It’s fine. We’re friends, and friends help each other out.” He pointed at the plate. “They also share their cookies with each other, and those look delicious. So…?”

  Despite the blinding pain I was in, I laughed. I actually laughed. “Fine.”

  Reaching out, I grabbed a cookie for the both of us. We ate in silence. What would Finn do now? Where would he go? Would I ever see him again? Did he really not love me? How could something so strong and real die so fast?

  I guess I’d never find out.

  Riley took his last bite and dusted off his hands. “Well, I guess I’ll get going. Remember, this too shall pass.”

  Another useless platitude. My fingers twitched with the urge to maim him. “Yeah. Sure.” I finished my cookie, my eyes on the door. “I can’t believe I’m going back to Cali alone. That he’s not going to be there…”

  “Hey, I’ll see you in California, don’t forget. You won’t be all alone. I’m not that far away. We could get together over the weekends and drink the pain away.”

  “Yeah.” I nodded without really listening. My mind was on Finn. “That’ll be fun.”

  He walked past me, dropping a brotherly kiss on the top of my head. “Rest up. It’ll look better in the morning.”

  I highly doubted that.

  Finn

  This was the end. There was no coming back from this.

  She could never love me again after what I’d done. What I’d said. I’d had a similar thought before, when she’d found out who I really was in California. Back then, I’d still been naïve enough to think we could be together. That had been before I morphed into a monster who hurt everyone I loved.

  It had been before I became…me.

  “You need to cool it,” Senator Wallington snapped. “I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this is the alcohol talking, but you’re done treating my daughter this way. And I’m cutting you off too.”

  Senator Wallington snatched the whiskey up and held it against his chest, making sure I didn’t get another glass, I could only assume. He didn’t need to worry. I didn’t want any more. She was gone, so there was no one left to horrify. I didn’t need to make her hate me anymore. She already did. “Don’t worry. I’ll be gone soon.”

  “Carrie loves you, and you’re being an idiot.” The senator shook his head. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but you need to snap out of it before it’s too late.”

  I laughed. “Now you’re championing us?”

  “No, I’m championing her. She loves you, and you broke her heart just now.” He cocked his head, his gaze scanning over mine. “How’s that feel?”

  “Like fucking hell,” I rasped, curling my hand into a fist. “But she’ll realize I did her a favor once she moves on. I hurt her. You see that mark on her face? It’s from me. I did that.”

  Senator Wallington stiffened. “Excuse me?”

  “The night my dad died. Something I did hit her.” I tightened my fist. “I hurt her.”

  His eyes narrowed on me. “In that case, maybe you’re right. Maybe you need more help than we can give you. Go find—”

  “Save your words of wisdom for someone else. I don’t need them anymore.” I laughed harshly. “And, hey, she can marry Riley now. Have trust fund babies who don’t have a daddy with tattoos behind them. That should make you happy.”

  The senator shifted on his feet. “You know that’s not true. If I wasn’t okay with you being here, you wouldn’t be here, damn it. What would your father say about how you’re acting right now?”

  “Don’t.” I took a step toward him, fury raging through me. It felt better than the agony. “You don’t get to say that to me. He knew I was messed up, and he told me to stop hurting her. Now I am, because we’re done. She’ll move on, and I’ll…I’ll…” I’d go crawl into a hole somewhere and forget the world existed. “I’ll be fine, too.”

  The senator scowled at me. “Go to bed. Talk to her in the morning when you’re sober. And if you don’t want to fix this, get the hell out of my house before dawn. She doesn’t need to see you again.”

  I stormed past him. Every step I took felt harder than the last, because I knew if I was going to follow through on my promise to stop hurting her, I needed to leave before I caved. Senator Wallington was right. I needed to leave tonight.

  I went outside, ready to run away right then and there, but I had too much shit upstairs in my room. I’d have to get at least some of it if I wanted to make a clean break. I sank down to the ground and covered my face with my hand, unable to believe that my life had come to this. How had this happened?

  How had I lost her too? I had nothing left.

  No reason to go on living.

  I’d turned into a drugged-out, alcoholic, raging lunatic—and I’d hurt Carrie in more ways than one. I’d never wished I was dead more than in this moment.

  Some unknown amount of time later, I stood up and went back inside. I passed Riley on the stairs, only just managing to hide my surprise at seeing him coming down from the direction of Carrie’s room. Irrational, misplaced jealousy hit me in the gut. I nodded at him. “Hey.”

  “Did you mean it?” Riley asked, his voice hard. “Do you actually not love her anymore?”

  I stopped mid-step, my hand tight on the banister. So. Carrie had already told him about the breakup. That hadn’t taken long. Again with the jealousy. I wanted to take a swing at him. Kick his ass until he couldn’t stand up. I didn’t. “I really don’t see how it’s any of your business. We broke up. That’s all that matters.”

  “Ah, but you see, it’s not.” Riley crossed his arms. “I had a friend with PTSD once, you know.”

  I shrugged. “Your point?”

  “He killed himself after pushing all of his loved ones away.” Riley laid a hand on my shoulder, and I swallowed hard. Shrugging free, I gave him a look that clearly told him to keep his hand to himself. “Don’t be him. Don’t do anything stupid. If you love her, don’t let her go. And don’t think you can let her go and then sweep back into her life when you’re all better. Someone else will snatch her up, and it’ll be too late. She’ll have a long line of guys waiting for her to get over you.”

  I cocked a brow at him, but damn it, he was right. Just the thought of her being with someone else tasted bad in my mouth. “Will you be the first in that line?”

  Riley twisted his lips. “If I thought I stood a chance in hell? Yeah. But she loves you, and you’re an idiot to throw it all away.”

  Again. He was right. But so was I. This was the right thing to do. I was sure of it. I kept dragging her d
own, drowning her slowly. It was time to sink alone. “Then I guess you’ll win in the end, because I’m not changing my mind. I’m no good for her like this.” I caught his gaze. “But if you manage to get her to fall for you, you damn well better take good care of her, or you’ll answer to me.”

  With that, I climbed the rest of the way up the stairs. When I opened my bedroom door, I stopped in the frame, one foot in and one foot out. She was there, in my room. The first thing I noticed was that she’d changed into pajamas. The second? That she wasn’t crying anymore. She didn’t look pissed, though. She just looked empty.

  She looked up when I came into the room, her ravaged face sending a fist of pain through my chest. The black makeup that had streamed down her cheeks like a child’s first finger painting had been washed off at some point. Christ, I couldn’t do this anymore. Couldn’t keep fucking hurting her. I closed the door behind me and collapsed against it.

  “Carrie…”

  She stood up unsteadily. “Don’t worry, I’ll leave you alone in a second. I just wanted to ask you something without my father standing there watching.” She met my eyes one last time. “Are you just pushing me away for my own good? Or did you really mean it when you said you didn’t love me anymore because of what I’d done to you?”

  No. No, no, no, no, no.

  I opened my mouth, ready to beg for forgiveness, but then I saw it. The bruise I’d given her. “Y-Yes. I meant it.” I swallowed hard. “Too much has changed between us. I went over there to make myself better for you, to save us, but instead it ruined everything. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry it has to be this way, but I can’t love you like I used to, and you shouldn’t love me either.”

  She bit down hard on her lower lip and nodded, still not crying. “I think it’s my fault, too. I totally get it if you can’t love me because of what I did to you.” She bit down again, even harder. “But we promised each other no more lies. If you do this, if you say this, you can’t show up later and take it all back.”

  I shook my head, even though I wanted to hug her. Kiss her. Love her. “I’m not lying.”