Out of Mind

by Jen McLaughlin

  I gripped the surfboard. I’d been right. She was fine without me. Didn’t need me like I needed her. “Hernandez can’t fucking surf.”

  “Yeah, but he can swim. And even if he couldn’t? Even if I drowned out here? That’s my problem, not yours.” She looked away. “You’re not my guard or my boyfriend anymore, so stop acting like you’re either one.”

  I flinched. “I know you’re not mine anymore. That’s not why I’m here. I was planning on surfing already. You’re not the only one who surfs on weekends, if you recall. I’m the one who brought you here in the first place.”

  She bit down hard on her lip, looking flustered and upset with my reappearance in her life. I shouldn’t have said hi, damn it. She fingered her necklace, and I stared at in in disbelief. It was the one I’d given her. She still wore it. “You weren’t supposed to come find me. I told you—”

  “You’re wearing our necklace,” I said, my voice sounding way too fucking weak. “You didn’t throw it away after I left?”

  She dropped it immediately. “No. I didn’t throw it away.” Her cheeks red, she looked away from me. “I-I forgot all about it, honestly.”

  Something told me that wasn’t true. She was lying to me. She knew she was wearing it, and she wore it because it reminded her of me. I knew it. Happiness rushed through my veins. For the first time in months, I let myself believe I stood a chance with her. Let myself believe I might be able to make her love me again.

  God knows I needed her to feel alive.

  “Ginger. Fuck, I miss you so—”

  “Don’t.” She shook her head, her eyes spitting sharp blades of fire my way. “You don’t get to say that to me. Just leave me alone. I’m out here for some peace and quiet, not for a trip down memory lane. We’ve ‘caught up,’” she used her fingers to make quotations marks, “enough. Now go back to leaving me alone, like we agreed upon.”

  I gripped my board tighter. “I can’t leave you.”

  “You didn’t have that issue in D.C.” She glowered at me, her eyes still spitting fire. “I haven’t forgotten what you said, and I’m sure you haven’t forgotten what I said. Goodbye, Finn.”

  She closed her eyes, obviously intending to ignore me until I left. I sat there quietly, not so much as making a splash, letting my heart break some more. Hell, I was used to it now. After a while, she cracked her eye open and looked at me. I inclined my head and looked her over, trying to act as if there was nothing strange about us being out here alone again. “Yeah, I’m still here.”

  “I see that,” she said, frustration clear in her voice. “What are you trying to do, Finn? What do you want from me? Is there a point to this visit?”

  “I wanted to see you again,” I said, my voice light. Just being near her, talking to her, felt like fucking heaven. I missed her so damn much. I tugged on my hair. “It’s the first time I felt strong enough to come up to you. I didn’t want to come back till I was better.”

  Her gaze flew to mine. “And you’re better now?”

  “I think so.” I swallowed hard. “How have you been, though?”

  She turned her head away, hiding her pretty face from mine. “Ask Hernandez how I’m doing if you want to know.” She glowered toward where he sat on a bench by the beach. He looked like he was texting someone, or surfing the web instead of the ocean. “I’m sure he could tell you everything you want to know about me.”

  “I’m not asking him anything. I’m asking you.” I hesitated. “I know I’m not supposed to say it, but I’ve missed you, Ginger. So damn much.”

  “You really shouldn’t call me that anymore,” she said, her voice breaking. “It’s not right. We’re not together, and that was what you called me when—” She broke off, rubbing her hand on her forehead. “It’s not right.”

  “I’m sorry. So fucking sorry.” I swallowed hard, my throat aching with the pain I’d caused her. I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and never let go again. To love her like I should have all those months ago. “I never wanted to do this to you. To us.”

  She looked at me again. The pain in those baby blues hurt. “But you did it anyway.”

  “I did.” I nodded once. “I wish I could take it all away, Carrie. I really do.”

  “Well, you can’t. It’s over. When you told me—” She broke off, shaking her head. “You know what? I’m not saying it. Not fighting with you. Our days of fighting are over. We’re over. You saw to that.”

  I gritted my teeth so hard it hurt. “I know. I’ll never stop regretting it, and I will never get over it. Over you.”

  She made a small sound. “Don’t go there.”

  “Why not?” I paddled closer to her. “Are you and Riley an item now?”

  She stiffened and held her hand out, wanting me to stay away, I could only assume. “That’s not any of your business. You’re the one who broke up with me. That means you don’t get to ask about my personal life anymore.”

  I narrowed my gaze on her. “I might not be your boyfriend anymore, but it doesn’t mean I’m fucking blind, deaf, or dumb.” I paddled closer, despite her upheld hand. “I saw you kissing him. You looked like you liked it.”

  She turned to me, her eyes wide. “You were there?”

  “Have you ever known Hernandez to knock over a fucking pot?” I asked, raising a brow. I stopped when I was three feet away from her. Close enough to touch, but not so close that I would. “I knocked it over when I backed away, not wanting to watch you ‘moving on.’ Not wanting to accept that you could be happy with someone besides me when I’m so fucking miserable without you.”

  “Then you shouldn’t have looked,” she snapped, her cheeks flushed. “You don’t get to come here and swoop in, trying to make me fall into your arms again. It’s not going to happen.”

  I gripped the surfboard. “Tell me about it.”

  “And how dare you ask me about my love life? Because I’m so sure you’ve been perfectly celibate since you left me,” she said, her grip tight on the board. She might be acting as if she was making a point, but I could tell she was dying to know. “You haven’t touched a single girl since you left me, right?”

  “I haven’t wanted another woman at all,” I said, dropping my voice low. “I haven’t been with anyone else since the first moment you kissed me on my curb. I swear it on my father’s grave.”

  She stared at me, her eyes wide and her lips parted. For a second, just a second, her eyes softened. She didn’t look angry. But then she shook her head and glanced away. “It doesn’t matter.”

  Pain sliced through me. It didn’t matter to her that I’d been faithful to her? She didn’t care anymore. “No, I guess not.”

  Her back remained ramrod straight. “How long have you been watching me?”

  “For a little while. I’ve been trying to stay away, though. Trying to let you move on.” I cleared my throat. “I saw you at the window, when you thought you saw me. It was the night I decided to fix myself.”

  I didn’t mention the wanting-to-kill-myself part. It wasn’t necessary.

  She frowned at me. “Did you drive away like you did this morning?”

  “Ah.” I leaned back on my board, relaxing my stance. “You saw me, huh?”

  “Of course I saw you,” she said, her eyes glaring at me. God, I loved it when she looked at me like that. All fiery and passionate and hot. “You were on your bike and you drove right past me. It was kind of hard to miss.”

  “Riley saw me.” I cocked my head. “Did he tell you that he saw me, or did he hide that fact from you?”

  She pressed her lips together. “Yeah, he told me it was you. He would never lie to me, unlike you.”

  Of course he’d told her I was back. Riley was that kind of guy. It made me fucking sick. “He’s a good guy. Far better than me. I’ve never denied that.”

  “I know he is.” She lifted her chin. “I’m trying to like him. To care for him as more than friends. You showing up isn’t making it any easier on me.”

  Delight hi
t me, hard and swift. So she didn’t have feelings for him yet. That meant I wasn’t too late. I laughed. “If you have to try, it isn’t fucking working. There’s this thing called chemistry between a man and a woman. It’s either there, or it isn’t. I don’t remember us having to try to like each other.”

  “Yeah, and that worked out so well for us, didn’t it?” She glowered my way. “Life is just a bucket of sunshine and rainbows now.”

  “Love isn’t always easy,” I said, silently begging her to realize that we weren’t done yet. I hadn’t been thinking clearly. I’d messed up, and I knew it. If she gave me another chance, I’d never let her go again. “I made a mistake back in D.C. One I’ve regretted since the moment I sobered up enough to realize what I’d done. I shouldn’t have left you. Ever.”

  She closed her eyes. “But you did.”

  “I know. Believe me, I fucking know it.” I reached out and tried to grab her hands, but she lurched back. I let mine fall back to my lap, empty.

  Tears slipped down her cheeks. “You broke my heart.”

  “I broke mine, too.” I dragged my hands down my face, releasing a ragged breath. “I was fucked up. More so than I ever let you see. You have no idea how dark I was.”

  “Which was the problem. You didn’t let me in.” She swiped her hand across her cheeks with jerky motions. “You didn’t trust me, or trust in our love. You just lied and left.”

  “I know. But if you give—”

  She shook her head, her whole body tense. “Don’t. Don’t ask me that.”

  “Please.”

  She covered her face, shaking her head. “I can’t do this right now. I was getting better. I was finally feeling alive again. And now you’re here, telling me you’re sorry? What am I supposed to do with that?”

  “Forgive me,” I said, my voice raw. “Give me another chance.”

  “To what? Leave me again? Lie some more?” She looked at me, her eyes shining with tears. “You have no idea what that did to me, because you just walked away.”

  “I know.” I held my hands out. “I’m sorry. I can’t say I’m sorry enough times, I know, but I am.”

  “That doesn’t mean you get me back.” She lifted her chin. “Riley wouldn’t hurt me. He wouldn’t leave me broken hearted.”

  “Only because you don’t love him,” I said, frustration coursing through me. “He can’t hurt you if he doesn’t have that power over you.”

  “Which is why he’s the better choice,” she cried out. “I don’t want to be in love anymore. Love isn’t worth the pain. Not if it hurts like this. It isn’t safe. It’s not real. It leaves all too fast, as soon as one person decides they’re done.” She pressed her hand to her chest, tears streaming down her face. “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to be in pain. I don’t want to be in love.”

  “You don’t have to be in pain anymore,” I whispered, reaching out for her hand. “I can make it better, and you can make me better, too. I was always better with you.”

  She shook her head and yanked her fingers out of reach at the last second. “No, you weren’t. You were miserable. Always trying to change yourself for me and my dad.” She looked over her shoulder. I knew what she was doing. She was going to escape. “You think you want me, but you don’t. Not really.”

  “No.” I grabbed her knee, my fingers firm on her. “I’m better with you. Don’t fucking leave me.”

  She shoved my hand off with her elbow. “No, you’re not. Look what happened to you when you were with me. You were broken and beaten and at the lowest point in your life. I brought you nothing but pain, and you did the same to me.”

  “My pain wasn’t because of you,” I argued. “You made me so fucking happy.”

  “It was because of me!” She shouted, tears still running down her cheeks. “You tried to change for me. It’s my fault you got injured. It’s all my fault, Finn! You left me, and then you got better. Don’t you see? We’re no good for each other. It’s over.”

  I wanted to push her further. To see if she still had feelings for me, but then she looked at me with tears in her bright eyes. “You’re wrong. Don’t do this.”

  She laid down on the board and started forward. “You left me, and you’re better off for it. Look in the mirror if you don’t believe me.”

  “I’m only better because of you.” I curled my hands into fists, yanking on my hair. “You saved me, even without you at my side, it was you who saved me that night.”

  She paddled faster and called over her shoulder, “I’m no good for you. Go be happy with someone else. You won’t find your happily ever after with me anymore.”

  She rode the wave away. I could have followed her. Could have forced her to continue this conversation, but I sensed it wouldn’t go the way I wanted it to. I’d have to bide my time and wait till she was ready to see me again.

  But I wasn’t giving up on us. Not again.

  I wouldn’t make that mistake twice.

  A few days later, on Friday afternoon, I came out of my last class of the day and found Marie standing outside the exit. She fidgeted while nibbling on her lower lip. As I approached, I noticed she looked upset. I hurried to her side, not sure what was going on. “Hey, what’s up?”

  She grabbed my hands. “He’s there. At our room. Waiting for you again. Just like he has been every single day since he came back. With a pink rose this time.”

  Finn. Every single day, he’d shown up at my door and asked me to go out to eat with him. Or surfing. Or to the soup kitchen. And he always had a flower with a cute little message on it. Keep smiling. Don’t give up. You make me happy. Forgive me.

  He wasn’t giving up. And I was scared one of these times I’d give in.

  I smoothed my hair and blotted my recently glossed lips. Pink today. “Seriously?”

  “Seriously.” Marie eyed me. “But I have a feeling you knew that. Is that a new shirt you’re wearing?”

  I tugged at it. “No. Yes. Maybe.”

  “Don’t do it. Don’t give in,” she warned. “He’ll hurt you.”

  The night he came back, I’d told her how Finn had showed back up in my life, after radio silence for months. Once her surprise wore off, she’d been angry at him for bombarding me like that. I’d listened to her rant and rave and call him names, but the whole time, I’d been thinking about him—and I hadn’t been calling him names.

  I’d been too busy thinking about how he looked better. How he’d filled out a little bit more again, since he’d been so skinny when he came home. I’d been thinking about how his hair was short, but long enough for me to run my fingers through it as he kissed me. But mostly, I’d been thinking about how wonderful he’d looked sitting on that surfboard.

  Too bad he’d only gotten better after he left me.

  “What should we do?” Marie asked, wringing her hands. “I told him to leave, like usual, but he just stared me down…like usual.”

  I sighed. “Right now? I’m going to go eat. If he’s still there when I get back, I’ll deal with him just like all the other times.” I paused. “Pink, huh?”

  “Yep. Pink.” Finn came around the corner, holding out a pink rose. “Oh, and he’s not there anymore. He’s here, and he’s starving, too. Let’s go eat.”

  I narrowed my eyes on him, not taking the rose. “You’re not coming.”

  He wiggled the rose. It had a note attached, like usual. I still didn’t take it. “Come on, Ginger. You know you want it.”

  He wore a light blue T-shirt with a motorcycle on it and a pair of ripped jeans. He had on black shades, and he looked freaking hot. Way too hot for me to keep pushing him away. Damn him. His ink swirled up his biceps, and I knew exactly how they intertwined on his chest, right near the tattoo he’d gotten for me.

  He’d never seen the one I’d gotten for him.

  “No, I don’t,” I responded, gripping my bag. “I thought I was perfectly clear yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, and all the other days that you’
ve showed up at my place with a present, that I’m not interested in restarting our relationship.”

  “Liar.”

  He stepped into my space, and his cologne washed over me. I closed my eyes, savoring the familiar scent. Smelling him like this made me want to throw myself into his arms and beg him to never leave me again. It made me want to forget.

  “I’m the liar?” I snapped, whirling on my heel and ignoring him. I felt so freaking alive right now, with him next to me provoking me all over again.

  Marie walked with me, shooting Finn an anxious look. “Hey, thanks for stopping by, but we’re going to go eat now.”

  He grinned at Marie. “Good. I’m starving. Take the flower.”

  “Dude,” Marie looked at him, her eyes wide. “We didn’t invite you, and she doesn’t want the flower.”

  “Sure she does,” he said, frowning at Marie. “She loves flowers. They make her happy. So do inspirational messages. She used to get one sent to her phone every day.”

  “I still do,” I said, my heart picking up speed. “That’s why you give me little notes?”

  “Yeah.” He held his hand out. “Please take it.”

  I reached out and took his flower, my hand so tight on the stem that a thorn dug into my palm. “Th-Thanks.”

  “Don’t mention it.” He shoved his hands in his pockets, still walking beside me. “I know pink isn’t your favorite color to wear, but it reminded me of the hangers I got you. Remember those?”

  Of course I remembered them. He’d gotten them for me so I could keep clothes at his place. Ignoring his question, I opened the little note he’d attached to the stem. I’m sorry. Swallowing hard, I looked back up at him. “Finn...”

  He locked gazes with me. “Wanna go to Islands with me? I have my Harley here. We can take the back roads, like we used to. Enjoy the fresh spring air that God gave us today. It would be a shame to miss out on it.”