Arise (Cruel and Beautiful World Book 3)

by L. Stoddard Hancock

  Seeing the stairs to the overlook, he decided to head there. It was the one spot in that whole place where he felt at peace.

  When Xander got up the stairs, he walked to the center of the overlook and let out an exasperated sigh. He still didn’t know what the hell he was doing in Blackbird. Only a handful of people wanted him there and he kept pushing them away. It was easier than the alternative.

  The majority of these people would never accept him. But the ones who did deserved better than his harsh treatment. Like Adrian and Harper.

  And Evangeline.

  She had defended him that night, hurried to his aid not knowing her grandmother’s name was on that list. He hated that.

  Something swished. The sound of a foot being dragged across dusty wood.

  Xander spun toward the noise. He spotted someone sitting on the ground by the railing. After a few blinks, he could see it was Dakota.

  “Are you kidding me? The one time, the one fucking time I come here to be alone, and here you are! This is so -” He paused. “Where’s Deryn?”

  Dakota moved his shoulders slightly, which Xander took as a half-assed attempt at a shrug.

  “Don’t tell me you wasted this opportunity I gave you,” said Xander, edging closer to him. “Because you’re not getting another.”

  Dakota raised his eyebrows as he gazed up at him.

  “Why aren’t you talking? Where are those horribly executed insults you’ve been throwing at me since I got here?”

  Dakota blinked.

  “Really? Nothing?”

  “I kissed her.”

  Xander’s jaw clenched. “What?”

  “I kissed her,” repeated Dakota.

  Xander’s heart hollowed. He drifted somewhere else for a brief moment before being sucked back in. His head was light, his skin hot. Still, a shiver ran through him. He didn’t feel his feet move forward, or his fist form as he swung his arm and hit Dakota hard in the jaw.

  “Fucking hell, Ruby!” shouted Dakota, his head knocking against the railing behind him. He scrambled to his feet.

  Xander’s body tingled. He could feel again and he hurt. “Did she kiss back?”

  “What?” said Dakota, holding his jaw.

  “Did. She. Kiss. Back?” he repeated, much louder this time.

  Dakota stared at him.

  “Answer me, Trigger!”

  “No, she didn’t.”

  Relief rushed through Xander. His cheeks were wet again and he knew it wasn’t the damp air. He turned away and wiped his eyes.

  “What would you do if she had?” asked Dakota.

  “I would leave,” Xander confessed. “I’m only here because she asked me to be. If she didn’t want me anymore I wouldn’t endanger her life by staying.” He paused. “Are you going to change your answer now?”

  “No,” Dakota said weakly. “I’m not a liar. She didn’t kiss back. And, even if she had, it ...” He swallowed. “It wasn’t like before. It was wrong. It ...”

  Xander turned back around. Dakota was crying into his hands.

  “We’re not the same,” said Dakota, using the back of his arm to wipe his eyes. “Too much has happened, too much has changed us. We can never go back.”

  “You understand that now?” said Xander.

  “I’ve understood that since that first day!” Dakota shouted. “Since she held that knife to my throat, I knew it would never be right! Because that’s not the girl I knew! That I fell for!”

  “Then why have you been trying to sabotage us?”

  “Because I wanted it to be her! I wanted everything to be like it was before!”

  “That’s pretty fucking selfish.”

  “Says the king of self-centeredness!” spat Dakota. “You just ... you don’t understand, alright? You don’t know what you took from me by coming here with her!”

  Xander cocked an eyebrow. “Took from you?”

  “Yes,” said Dakota. He closed his eyes and put his hands on the railing, using it to brace himself. “Holding out hope for her ... searching for her ... believing that if she came back here everything would be normal again was the only thing that kept me going. I’ve lost my mom. My friends. My dad has to force himself out of bed each morning and my brother feels this constant need to take care of us. Deryn was the only thing I had left to hold on to.”

  No one spoke.

  A light breeze whistled through the trees and waves crashed against the sand on the distant shore.

  Xander thought about how much he wanted a cigarette. He still wanted to kill Dakota for kissing Deryn but, at the same time, he understood the need to hold on to a piece of your past. For years, his only motivation for getting out of bed in the morning was the memory of his mother and his need to avenge her.

  “She said I could never give her what she needed.”

  Xander’s eyes focused. Dakota was watching him.

  “I want to know.”

  “Know what?” asked Xander.

  “I want to know what she was like when you first found her. I want to know everything.”

  “Don’t you think you should ask her -”

  “No.” Dakota shook his head. “I want to know what you saw.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I know I’m going to breakdown,” said Dakota. “I don’t want her to see me like that. I don’t want to upset her anymore.” He closed his eyes. “But I need to know. I need to understand what it was like for her. To know that I really couldn’t give her what she needed. I need that closure, Ruby.” His eyes opened and he looked at Xander pleadingly. “Please.”

  Xander groaned. Well, damn.

  Without waiting for an answer, Dakota sat on the nearest bench. Xander stared at him for a moment, unsure if he should really be doing this. But if it was what Dakota needed to move on ...

  Xander sighed and sat down beside him.

  “I’m not going to talk about me and Deryn,” said Xander, wanting to make that very clear. “Just about her and what she was like in the beginning.”

  Dakota nodded. He took out a flask from his inside coat pocket, took a sip and handed it to Xander.

  “The night I found Deryn on the street, I probably wouldn’t have recognized her if I hadn’t heard her voice. She wasn’t the girl you knew years ago, or even the girl I know now. She wasn’t just broken, she was destroyed.”

  The two of them sat there talking for over an hour. By the end of it, the flask was empty and Dakota’s red-rimmed eyes had run dry.

  “I don’t think I could’ve done what you did. Looked at her without flinching. Got her to talk like that.” Dakota paused and stared at the empty flask in his hand. “I don’t want her to feel ashamed about what happened to her. She did nothing wrong. I know I haven’t been helping. I’ve been selfish since the moment she got here. Do you think she’ll forgive me?”

  “Probably,” said Xander. “She wants you back just as much as you want her.”

  Dakota nodded. “I’m going to try. I swear I am this time.” He took a long, deep breath. “All this time I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t that bad for her, that the only reason Saevus kept her was to keep her dad in line and he mostly left her alone. But he didn’t. Because of who she is, he hurt her even more.”

  “And made sure she lived long enough to suffer through it,” said Xander.

  Dakota sniffed.

  Someone’s very loud feet clomped up the stairs. Dakota was just about to yell at them to go away when they yelled first.

  “Dax!”

  He sat frozen as Hera ran up to him.

  “Are you okay? No one’s heard from you since everything happened in the ...” Her voice trailed off as she took a good look at the person sitting next to him. “What are you doing with him?”

  “Move along, little girl. We’re busy,” said Xander, motioning for her to leave.

  Hera sneered and looked back at Dakota with wide doe eyes.

  “You heard him. We’re busy so get lost,” said Dakota.

/>   “But, I thought we could go somewhere and talk,” she said. “It’s been a long time since we’ve -”

  “Don’t you have a boyfriend somewhere?” asked Xander.

  “I don’t have a boyfriend!” Hera insisted. “Dax, you know I don’t!”

  “I really don’t care either way.” Dakota leaned forward and placed his elbows on his knees.

  “So that’s it then?” she asked with tears in her eyes. “You’re just going to pretend like we’re nothing?”

  Dakota groaned. “We are nothing, Hera.”

  The woman was taken aback, her eyes wide and unfocused. “What are the two of you doing up here?” she demanded. “Are you planning to share her with him, like a million Guardians before you?”

  Dakota’s face flushed.

  Xander’s hands balled into fists. “Oh, you are so lucky I would never hit a woman.”

  “Get out of here, you insensitive, selfish bitch,” said Dakota through gritted teeth.

  Hera’s tears spilled over. She grabbed his arm. “Dax, I’m sor -”

  “Don’t touch me!” he shouted, pulling away.

  Hera was stunned. She looked at Xander, who smirked and winked in response. Her skin flushed. She turned on her heel and ran down the stairs.

  As soon as she was gone, Dakota stood up and said, “I don’t know about you but I could use another fucking drink.”

  Xander nodded in agreement, and they went in search of another drink together.

  • • •

  It was very late when Xander returned to his and Deryn’s room. He stood outside of their door with the little blackbird on it, hoping she wouldn’t be too angry over his long absence, or his lack of the tea he’d promised.

  He took a deep breath and opened the door. Even though it was late, the light was still on. Deryn was lying on top of the quilt. Her eyes were closed, but the moment she heard the door open she popped up.

  “Xander!”

  He shut the door, took off his shoes, and walked over to her.

  “I’ve been waiting for you.”

  Deryn bit her lip as he sat down beside her. He thought it was strange that she hadn’t immediately asked where he’d been, since that tended to be her go-to. But then she looked at him with glossy eyes and swallowed.

  “Dax kissed me,” she admitted. “I told him he could. But I didn’t kiss back! I swear -”

  Xander put a finger to her lips and said, “It’s fine, Deryn. I already know.”

  “You already know?” she asked, removing his finger. “How?”

  “Trigger told me.”

  Deryn flushed with anger but, before she could burst out with it, Xander added, “Don’t worry, it wasn’t out of spite. He really was just telling me.”

  “When did you talk to him?”

  “Just after you did, probably,” he said. “I went for a walk and found him sitting on the overlook. Gave him a pretty good punch when he told me what he’d done.”

  “Have you been with him -”

  “This entire time? Yes.”

  “You smell like whiskey.”

  Xander smirked. “Turns out, he knows where they keep the good shit.”

  Deryn crinkled her brow. “I’m confused. Are you two friends now?”

  “Fuck no,” he said with a laugh. “But we’ve come to an understanding. You’re mine and he understands that.”

  She tried hard to fight back a smile. “Ass.”

  Xander leaned forward and kissed her. “These are mine, too,” he said as he pressed his forehead against hers. “He wanted to know what you were like when I first found you.”

  Deryn’s breath hitched.

  “I told him.”

  She frowned and looked off to the side. “It’s probably better this way.”

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “I need to tell you something. Something I realized after he kissed me.”

  Xander pulled away, blood draining from his face.

  “I had doubts,” said Deryn, looking back at him. “About us. I think everyone constantly questioning the sincerity of my feelings for you must have burrowed into my mind somehow.” She paused and took a deep breath. “But I don’t have doubts anymore.”

  His eyes lit up.

  “The moment Dax kissed me I knew it could never be right. No kiss could ever be right unless it’s from you. I love you, Xander,” she said with the utmost sincerity. “And not just because you saved me. I love you because of who you are and how you make me feel. I know you think you’re selfish when it comes to me but you’re not. You always put me first. You protect me. And you love me.”

  Xander’s hands gripped her waist.

  “I’m a stronger person because of you and I’m not ashamed anymore. What happened to me is part of who I am and I won’t let those Guardian bastards win by letting it weaken me. No more tears, no more guilt, no more looking away when I feel like everyone is judging me.”

  Xander smiled.

  “And I know you’ll help me keep that confidence,” said Deryn, stroking his cheek. “We are going to make each other stronger, we are going to win this war, and we are going to get married when it is over. None of this ‘if we both survive’ bullshit. We will both survive.”

  Xander laughed. He pulled her that last half-an-inch toward him and kissed her. “Sounds like a plan,” he said, stroking the small blackbird on her middle finger.

  She smiled and returned the gesture with her thumb.

  Staring into the sea-green eyes he loved nearly as much as the girl who possessed them, Xander made a decision.

  No longer would he let other people control his feelings for her, whether it be the bastards who lived in Blackbird, the bastard president or even his bastard father.

  Xander had had his own doubts about whether or not he was the one Deryn truly wanted, but he knew better now. It was not about him or his nightmares. This was about her knowing that the man before her, the man whose father took something from her that she could never get back, was truly the man she wanted to be with.

  And he was.

  Deryn had her closure with Dakota and she’d made her choice.

  So Xander made his.

  He kissed her again and pulled her onto his lap. His hands were shaking as he tugged at the bottom of her shirt.

  Deryn pulled back. She ran her hand through his hair and asked, “Are you sure?”

  Xander nodded, unable to voice that she was the one thing in his life he would always be sure about.

  “Okay.”

  She tore off her shirt and then his.

  When Deryn kissed him, he wrapped his hands around her back, unhooked her bra and tossed it aside.

  Their lips remained locked as Deryn pushed him onto his back, straddling him as she undid his pants.

  Xander groaned as her hand slid into his underwear, the glorious touch he hadn’t felt in weeks. This was probably the longest he’d gone without sex since before losing his virginity, and he was eager to rush past the foreplay so he could get to the best damn part.

  Deryn laughed against his mouth as he rushed to undo her pants, tugging at them as best he could. She pulled back, rolled her eyes and took them off herself, followed immediately by his.

  It wasn’t until Deryn pressed her fully naked body against his that the images entered his mind again. Deryn had been so young, her skin untouched, unmarked. And now she was covered in constant reminders about everything that was done to her.

  His father ...

  “Xander.”

  He gulped and stared up at her worried eyes, only then feeling his wet cheeks.

  “Look at me, alright?”

  Xander nodded, immediately replacing all of those horrible images with a new one. That first night they’d been together, when she’d started crying and he told her to keep her eyes open the entire time, so she would always know it was him there with her.

  He moved his hand so it was beside his head. Deryn took it without him ever having to ask. She kisse
d him as she reached between them, positioning his cock so she could slide onto it.

  Both of them moaned as he entered her. Deryn didn’t move right away, still staring into his eyes, searching for that confirmation.

  Xander smiled and nibbled at her lip. “Don’t be gentle.”

  She chuckled, raising her eyebrows suggestively before moving her hips.

  Xander’s teeth kept a firm hold of her bottom lip as her movements quickened, the feeling of her heavy breath against his making it that much more gratifying.

  Their hands still locked, he released her lip and went for her breasts, licking and nipping her nipples. Her moans grew louder, her free hand clawing at his chest.

  But it wasn’t enough. Xander needed more. He gripped her hip and flipped them, lifting her leg over his shoulder and penetrating her, deeper and deeper until her body started to quiver.

  Fuck, he loved it when she did that, her back arching as she savored her orgasm.

  He wanted so badly to give her more. But it had been weeks and he hadn’t so much as touched himself in that time.

  So he came, his thrusts weakening as his body collapsed along with his cock. He released her leg and fell on top of her, giving her hand a squeeze as they both caught their breath.

  “We’ll be doing that again, right?” she asked, stroking her free hand through his hair.

  Xander nodded, still short of breath. “I imagine we won’t get much sleep tonight.”

  “I’m fine with that.”

  He lifted his head, which had so conveniently landed on her breasts, and kissed her, loving the sweet feeling of her smile pressed against his.

  “I love you,” he said into her mouth.

  “I love you,” she said back to him, the hand in his hair moving to the back of his neck.

  He pulled away, just an inch, and stared down at her. My god, he’d missed that look. That hungry, flushed look she had after sex, letting him know that she wanted more.

  And then his eyes drifted down to her neck, the chain he’d given her twisted and the ring dangling from it lost somewhere in her hair. He reached down and found it, staring at the lion holding the stone that so closely matched the color of her eyes.