Every Time We Say Goodbye

by Colette Caddle

  ‘No, don’t go,’ Helen said. ‘I was just finishing up; are you at home?’

  ‘Yes.’ Jo sounded brighter. ‘Shall I put the kettle on?’

  ‘Do. I’ll be there as quick as I can.’

  Helen hurried back to her car, smiling. She was thrilled that her friend had finally called. She’d been dying to talk to her but she knew there was no point in calling; Jo wouldn’t talk until she felt ready. Helen could have called Marianne to see how Jo was doing but she was avoiding her oldest friend at the moment, deliberately timing her visits to Dot for when she knew Marianne wouldn’t be around. She was no actress and she wouldn’t be able to disguise her feelings. Talking on the phone was a little easier, though Helen kept calls to a minimum and always found a reason to cut them short. It was easy enough at the moment as there was so much going on in the Thomson household, but once they’d settled in to Kilbarrack it would be harder and she would have to come to a decision as to whether to confront her husband or her friend.

  Jo looked pale and nervous when she opened the door. ‘Hi, Helen. Thanks for coming.’

  ‘Are you kidding? I was delighted to. Colm is like the antichrist; I only went into town to get a break.’

  ‘Is he studying hard?’

  ‘He is,’ Helen admitted, setting her bag on the table and sitting down. ‘Where are the girls?’

  ‘Rachel’s at her friend Tracy’s house and Di has hockey practice. Coffee?’

  ‘Lovely. So, how are you doing, Jo?’

  ‘Grand.’

  Helen looked at her. Now, did she go along with this or speak her mind? She decided on the latter. Jo had picked up the phone so she must want to talk. ‘You don’t look it.’

  ‘Do I ever?’ Jo waved in disgust at her own appearance.

  Helen ignored that. ‘Marianne filled me in.’

  Jo concentrated on spooning instant coffee into mugs. ‘And you’re still talking to me?’ she joked.

  ‘Of course I am; why wouldn’t I be?’ Jo’s hands shook as she lifted the kettle and Helen stood up and took it from her. ‘Sit down, Jo.’ She quickly made the coffees and waited as Jo struggled to compose herself.

  When she finally spoke it was just one word. ‘Di.’

  ‘What about Di?’

  ‘What she did; it was because of me.’

  ‘Yes,’ Helen agreed. ‘That must have been awful for you, but at least you know now.’

  ‘She’d never have done it if she hadn’t seen me do the same.’

  ‘Maybe, maybe not. But tell me, have you done it since?’

  Jo shook her head.

  ‘That’s great, well done.’

  ‘I’ve been tempted.’

  ‘I’d be surprised if you hadn’t, but the point is that you didn’t give in to temptation. How long has it been going on?’

  Jo wouldn’t look at her. ‘A few years.’

  ‘What weight are you?’

  ‘No idea.’ Jo shuddered. ‘I haven’t stood on the scales in ages; I’d be afraid to.’

  ‘I think you would be pleasantly surprised.’

  ‘Oh, please.’ Jo’s eyes flashed.

  ‘Do you think I’m overweight?’

  ‘No, of course not.’

  Helen raised her eyebrows. ‘I thought we were being honest.’

  Jo smiled. ‘You’re not skinny, you’re curvy.’

  ‘I’m plump,’ Helen retorted. ‘I could and would happily lose a stone but it’s not the end of the world.’

  ‘No, and you look gorgeous.’

  ‘Jesus, Jo, will you listen to yourself!’

  ‘What?’ Jo looked cross.

  Helen jumped to her feet and dragged her out to the mirror in the hall. ‘Look,’ she said as they stood side by side. ‘Will you bloody look!’

  Jo grinned at her in the mirror. ‘You don’t curse, Helen.’

  ‘If you don’t start talking sense I’ll turn the air blue, believe me. Now answer me; what do you see?’

  Jo’s smile disappeared and she sighed. ‘I see a gorgeous, well-groomed woman and a frump.’

  Helen smiled happily. ‘Excellent.’

  Jo’s eyes met hers in surprise. ‘Pardon?’

  ‘Don’t you see? There’s very little difference between us. If anything you’re probably a few pounds lighter; I’m just better at hiding it.’

  ‘No way, I’m much heavier than you!’

  ‘Let’s go down to the shopping centre; there’s bound to be a weighing scale there. If not, we’ll buy one.’

  ‘This is silly; I’m not going anywhere, Helen.’ Jo marched back into the kitchen and sat down.

  Helen sighed and followed her. ‘I’m sorry. I’m not trying to upset you.’

  ‘I know that. You have to understand, though, that the only reason I’m not enormous is because I was making myself sick.’

  ‘So, what’s the plan, Jo?’

  ‘The plan was that I would tell Greg last night but he seems to be preoccupied with work at the moment and I didn’t want to add to his worries. I must talk to Di, though.’

  ‘I thought you had.’

  ‘I told her it was silly and that she shouldn’t do it but I think I need to confess to her. I’m also going to join Unislim, and Marianne said I should ask Di for her support in sticking to the diet and keeping to the exercise plan.

  ‘That’s a good idea,’ Helen said, trying not to flinch at the mention of Marianne’s name. ‘It’s all very well us giving you advice, Jo, but don’t you think you should discuss this with your doctor?’

  ‘There’s no need for that.’

  ‘If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for Di,’ Helen said, knowing it was the only button she could push that might work. ‘And fine, yes, join Unislim too. The exercise, the company and just getting out and meeting people who are in the same boat will do you good. In fact, maybe I should join you.’

  Jo looked at her in surprise. ‘Would you?’

  Helen had meant it as a joke but when she saw the expression on Jo’s face she realized it was exactly the support she needed. ‘Yes, what the hell. Why not?’

  Chapter Twenty-five

  ‘So tomorrow is the big day. Isn’t it exciting? I can take the day off to help you move if you like,’ Vanessa offered as she dumped the takeaway cartons from their dinner into the bin.

  ‘Not at all, there isn’t exactly much to do.’ Rob grinned and gestured to his few belongings stacked by the door of his flat.

  ‘It will be nice to have a place where you can cook food without worrying about catching something.’ She threw a scathing look at the ancient cooker in the corner. ‘Why you’ve stayed here so long is beyond me.’

  ‘You know why,’ he protested, looking out of the large fifth-floor window. It was late but the streets were busy with groups of giggling girls heading out for the evening; tourists still rambling, cameras slung around their necks; workers hurrying home, phones pressed to their ears; and entangled couples wandering along oblivious to the world around them.

  She came to stand behind him and slipped her arms around his waist. ‘Perhaps we should mark your last night properly.’

  Rob felt her breasts press into his back as her hands moved down to caress his crotch. His treacherous body responded and he felt like a total bastard. He had been avoiding her as much as possible since he’d kissed Marianne. Being with Vanessa wasn’t right any more and he would have to end it. He turned within her embrace and kissed her lightly on the lips. ‘I have an early start, Van.’

  She looked up at him, her lovely eyes full of concern. ‘Is everything okay, honey?’

  ‘Everything is fine,’ he lied, smiling. She was so pretty and sexy and so bloody understanding and patient; she deserved much better than him. He kissed her soundly, out of guilt more than anything, and she responded eagerly. He pulled away. ‘I’m just tired; it’s been a busy time.’

  ‘I understand, only . . .’ She trailed off and looked down.

  ‘Only?’

  ‘This
may be our last opportunity to spend the night together for a while, Rob; I’m going away.’

  ‘Really? Where?’

  ‘A girl in the head office in London is going on maternity leave and they’ve asked me to take over. She’s an assistant editor, Rob; it’s a great opportunity for me.’

  ‘That’s terrific, Van,’ he hugged her, delighted; becoming an editor was her dream. ‘London, wow! I’m thrilled for you; when do you leave?’

  She bit her lip. ‘The day after tomorrow.’

  ‘Crikey, they didn’t give you much notice!’

  ‘I’ve known about it for a while but I was afraid to tell you.’ She disengaged herself and went to sit down on the sofa.

  He sat in the armchair opposite, leaning forward on his knees. ‘I don’t understand.’

  She studied her hands. ‘It’s simple really. If you had asked me not to go then I wouldn’t have.’

  ‘I wouldn’t have done that!’

  ‘That’s what I thought.’

  Rob massaged the bridge of his nose. ‘You’ll have to help me out here, Vanessa. I have a feeling I’m saying all the wrong things.’

  ‘You are.’ She smiled but her eyes looked anything but happy.

  ‘Please explain.’

  She sighed. ‘We’ve been together for nearly a year, Rob, and I think it’s time we made some sort of commitment to each other.’

  ‘Commitment?’ He wondered if the panic showed in his eyes.

  ‘I’m talking about moving in together but I’m not sure it’s what you want. I’m not sure you know what you want.’

  He stared at her, at a loss for words, and saw the pain in her eyes that his silence caused. ‘Vanessa . . .’

  She gave him a brave smile. ‘Perhaps being apart for a while is a good thing; it will give you time to think.’

  ‘I’m a lousy boyfriend, aren’t I?’ he said, feeling like a total shit. He found it hard to lie to her; he knew he couldn’t say the things that she so obviously wanted to hear. He knew he should end it here and now but that would be like a kick in the teeth. ‘How long will you be gone for?’ he said instead.

  ‘I’m not certain. About six months, but I’ll be back for weekends,’ she assured him. ‘And you could come over and visit.’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘Are you annoyed with me, Rob?’

  ‘No, of course not; this is exactly the kind of lucky break you need.’

  ‘And what about you?’ She searched his face. ‘What do you need?’

  One word, one name, immediately came to his mind and he closed his eyes briefly for fear that she would somehow read his thoughts. ‘Right now I need sleep,’ he joked but when he looked at her there was a reproachful look in her eyes. ‘I’m sorry, Vanessa, that sounded facetious. It’s just there is so much going on at the moment between work, moving, dealing with the planning office and meeting with the architects, that I find it hard to think beyond getting this damn house built.’

  ‘Of course, I understand.’

  But it was clear from her expression that she was hurt. He moved over to the sofa and pulled her into his arms. As they kissed, he felt her hand unzip his trousers and knew that she would be staying the night. When she pushed him back on the sofa and climbed onto his lap, he closed his eyes and tried very hard not to wish she was Marianne.

  Rob slept fitfully that night. When he woke, light was creeping through the crack in the curtains. This time tomorrow he would waken in Marianne’s room, in her bed; though she wouldn’t be with him, the thought still excited him. He turned on his side and watched Vanessa as she slept. Why couldn’t he love this woman, he wondered. She was stunning; he could picture the smiling, green-eyed, golden-haired babies she would produce. She was sleeping like an innocent, a slight smile on her lips and one arm thrown over her head exposing a large, full, beautiful breast. He studied it dispassionately, wondering why it didn’t stir him the way a simple photo of a woman in a white T-shirt had.

  Sitting close to Marianne on that bench, the touch of her bare arm and the scent of her hair had been enough to arouse him. When he’d kissed her and she’d returned the kiss, he had got completely carried away, moulding her against him, not giving a damn that they were in a public place and behaving like teenagers. He was getting aroused all over again now just remembering the moment. Vanessa stirred and he hurriedly slipped out of bed and headed for the shower; the one plus about this flat was that it was guaranteed to be a cold one.

  Marianne stood amidst all the boxes in the narrow hallway and felt like crying. She had been stringent in her packing but still her family’s belongings dwarfed the small house and there was yet another vanload to come. She noticed Dot was looking shell-shocked too. ‘I’ll send some of it back,’ she reassured her mother-in-law.

  ‘You’ll do no such thing, don’t be silly. Once we’ve arranged everything it will be grand; the bedrooms are practically bare, waiting for you.’

  Marianne resolved to put as much stuff as possible in the bedrooms and sneak some of the rest back to Howth; it simply wasn’t right to take over the house like this.

  ‘It will be grand,’ Dot said again. ‘We’ll be sorted in no time at all, and once the children are settled into school we’ll be able to concentrate on our new jobs; I’m quite looking forward to being a working woman!’

  ‘I’m a bit nervous to be honest,’ Marianne admitted.

  ‘Ah, sure, what have you to be nervous about?’

  ‘It’s okay for you,’ Marianne retorted. ‘You’ll be working from home. I’ll be all over the city, teaching total strangers things I’ve only just learned myself.’

  ‘I think you’ll make a great teacher. You’re very patient and calm and that’s what it’s all about.’

  ‘We’ll see. Rob has a manual for me to refer to if I forget anything. It’s very comprehensive, every lesson for every course is covered in detail.’

  ‘Well then, how can you go wrong? I think those internet classes sound interesting; I might go to them myself.’

  ‘Planning to cruise the dating websites, eh?’ Marianne teased.

  ‘I might,’ she laughed. ‘Bridie next door is always on that Facebook thing. Is it very difficult?’

  ‘No, from what I hear it’s very straightforward; you would pick it up in no time at all. I could teach you but you would probably enjoy the classes; I think they’ll be fun. Rob’s going to start me off with them to introduce me slowly.’

  ‘When do I get to meet this fella?’ Dot opened a box marked ‘Kitchen’ and started to unpack it.

  Marianne kept her head bent as a smile came to her lips. ‘I’m sure you’ll meet him soon enough but I don’t want to become the landlady from hell, always dropping in and out, checking up on him.’ She felt a tingle of excitement at the thought. They would not be working on any training courses together but Marianne just knew that she and Rob would find plenty of excuses to meet.

  ‘No, of course not. But what if he has any problems and you’re not around? I’ll have to deal with him.’

  ‘I’ll introduce you as soon as we’ve all settled in,’ Marianne promised, though she felt a bit uncomfortable at the thought of her ex-lover meeting her mother-in-law. Dot was such a perceptive woman too; would she pick up on the connection between them? ‘So when is your first job, Dot?’ she asked, anxious to change the subject.

  ‘Like your Rob, Brenda’s breaking me in gently.’

  Marianne felt her cheeks redden at the term but Dot was too busy in her task to notice.

  ‘She’s asked me to do a couple of centrepieces for a family dinner next week and then there’s a wedding the week after, though I’ll just be doing the church flowers for that.’

  Marianne smiled at the excitement in Dot’s voice. ‘I can’t believe how well things are turning out; we’re working such different hours we’ll easily be able to manage the kids between us.’

  ‘No problem at all, and anytime we are stuck there are plenty of good neighbours around who would be
glad to pitch in and help. You’re part of a real community now, love.’

  Marianne wasn’t sure she liked the sound of that; she valued her privacy, and although the neighbours she’d met so far seemed nice, she didn’t want to be swallowed up by them. ‘I wouldn’t be happy leaving the children with anyone else for the moment.’

  ‘They’ve come a long way in the last couple of weeks and starting school will be the making of them.’

  ‘I’m not so sure. Moving house and school is a big upheaval.’

  ‘Children take these things in their stride,’ Dot assured her. ‘I was thinking, perhaps we should have a little housewarming party; it would give you and them a chance to get to know everyone better.’

  ‘Don’t you think we have enough to do?’

  Dot chuckled. ‘Oh, not for a week or so and just a small do; I’d only invite a couple of neighbours and their families. I thought Andrew and Kate would feel more comfortable on their first day at school if they already had made some pals.’

  ‘That’s a great idea, thanks.’ Not only was Dot right, she was thinking of the children’s best interests whilst Marianne was getting bogged down in stupid details. She felt her eyes fill up and then Dot’s hand was on her shoulder pushing her gently into a chair. ‘Let’s have a cup of tea.’

  ‘But there’s so much to do . . .’

  ‘A few minutes won’t make a bit of difference.’

  ‘I don’t even know why I’m crying,’ Marianne said as the tears streamed down her cheeks.

  ‘I think you have plenty of reasons,’ Dot said, her own eyes suspiciously bright.

  ‘You too,’ Marianne said, pulling out a tissue.

  ‘Oh, don’t you worry. I’ve shed my fair share.’

  ‘Do you cry for Dominic?’ Marianne asked.

  ‘Of course I do, and for you and the kiddies. I can’t help feeling that I let you all down.’

  ‘That’s rubbish.’ Poor Dot, she was so brave and strong it was easy to forget that she had just lost her son and was grieving for him.

  ‘No, I persuaded you to stay with him and to turn a blind eye to his problems. That was wrong. And now when you should finally be able to get some peace, he’s still causing trouble. I tell you, if he was alive, I’d kill him!’