Every Time We Say Goodbye

by Colette Caddle

  Marianne groaned. ‘Are you trying to cheer me up?’

  ‘Sorry,’ Helen said, realizing that she shouldn’t be trying to bring her friend down on the one day that she’d finally had some good news.

  ‘It’s okay. I suppose there is always a risk of it coming out, but I think I’ll take that risk and deal with it if it happens.’

  ‘But it must be a terrible strain keeping all of this from her, Marianne,’ Jo said, looking worried.

  Marianne smiled at her and then at Helen. ‘As long as I’ve got you two to talk to I will cope with whatever happens.’

  ‘You’ve got us,’ Helen assured her, ‘though I’m surprised that you want anything to do with me after today.’

  ‘Why, what happened today?’ Jo asked looking from one to the other.

  Helen looked at Marianne who rolled her eyes and stood up. ‘I think I’d better find more wine.’

  Chapter Thirty-three

  ‘I don’t believe it for a second.’ Jo waved her glass around precariously. ‘Johnny would never ever be unfaithful.’

  Marianne ducked out of the way as it almost collided with her nose. ‘I agree with Jo.’

  ‘I wish I could believe that, but he’s been lying to me,’ Helen said, visibly upset now that the wine was taking effect and her guard was down.

  ‘I’m sure there’s a very good reason,’ Jo insisted.

  ‘Like?’ Helen sniffed.

  ‘Perhaps he’s in some kind of trouble.’

  ‘You’re not helping, Jo,’ Marianne groaned as Helen’s eyes widened in alarm.

  ‘And exactly what kind of trouble could he be in?’ She moved the wine bottle out of Jo’s reach.

  ‘Maybe he’s being threatened,’ Jo said. ‘I’ve heard that’s happened to some developers.’

  ‘Jo!’

  ‘Oh, my God, you’re right!’ Helen gasped. ‘Some of Johnny’s friends have left the country because of it.’

  ‘Oh, really; I’m making you both some coffee.’ Marianne stood up and put on the kettle.

  ‘Not that instant stuff, it disagrees with me,’ Helen complained.

  ‘Tough, I’m on the breadline.’

  ‘Tea. But Jo is right; it would make sense.’

  ‘It would.’ Jo nodded so hard Marianne thought she wouldn’t look out of place in the back window of a car.

  ‘This is complete rubbish. Stop hypothesizing.’ Marianne grinned. ‘I’ve always wanted an excuse to use that word; Sister Rose Catherine would be proud of me.’

  ‘You were always her favourite,’ Jo said of their English teacher.

  ‘It’s not rubbish,’ Helen insisted. ‘It makes perfect sense.’

  ‘You’re listening to Jo’s speculations after half a bottle of wine and saying it makes sense?’ Marianne said as she spooned coffee into mugs. ‘No offence, Jo.’

  ‘None taken.’ Jo drained her glass and reached for the bottle.

  ‘It has to be something really bad or he wouldn’t keep it from me.’

  ‘Oh, for pity’s sake, will you just ask the man,’ Marianne said, plonking down the coffee a bit more forcefully than she’d intended. Perhaps she should have some too.

  ‘Marianne’s right; ask him.’

  Helen looked at them but said nothing.

  ‘What?’ Marianne said, alarmed to see the normally composed Helen in tears.

  ‘I’m afraid to. What if there is someone else?’

  Jo threw her arms around her, almost strangling her in a hug. ‘Ah, don’t worry, darling. I’m sure everything’s going to be fine.’

  Marianne laid a hand on Helen’s shoulder. ‘Of course it is.’

  Jo sat back in her chair with a sigh. ‘I’m a terrible friend; if I wasn’t so caught up in my own problems I’d have noticed that you two weren’t happy.’

  ‘Drink your coffee and don’t talk rubbish,’ Marianne teased.

  Helen pulled out a tissue and wiped her eyes. ‘I’m glad your problems are sorted at least.’

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Marianne asked when Jo didn’t reply.

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Oh, come on, Jo, tell us what’s wrong,’ Helen said. ‘It’s your turn.’

  ‘Is it the diet? You’re not making yourself sick again, are you?’ Marianne asked.

  ‘No, I’m not, honest.’

  Marianne exchanged a look of relief with Helen. ‘Good woman.’

  ‘Why did you do it, Jo?’ Helen asked.

  ‘I told you; it was the easiest way to lose weight.’

  ‘I think there’s more to it than that.’

  Marianne wondered why Helen was being so pushy, and then she realized that with Jo more than a little drunk, this was a good opportunity to get to the root of her problems. However, she still hadn’t responded. Marianne nudged her. ‘Have you gone to sleep?’

  Jo shook her head.

  ‘Please talk to us, Jo,’ Marianne begged. ‘How many times in St Anne’s did we promise each other that we’d be friends for ever? Don’t you know that you can tell us anything?’

  ‘Anything,’ Helen agreed.

  ‘It was fear,’ Jo said, not looking at them.

  ‘Fear?’ Marianne said, almost afraid herself of what was coming. Jo seemed suddenly vulnerable, just like the child who arrived at St Anne’s all those years ago, looking wary and suspicious and silent.

  ‘I was afraid of losing Greg, of losing everything.’

  ‘But why would you ever think that might happen?’ Helen asked, looking baffled.

  Jo finally looked up and met Helen’s eyes. ‘For the first time in my life I had someone who wanted me, who looked after me and who gave me a home. I was so happy, but at the same time I kept waiting for something bad to happen.’

  ‘Like what?’ Marianne asked.

  ‘I’ve no idea but I just couldn’t believe that it would last. And then I started to put on weight and I just knew Greg was disgusted with me.’

  ‘I’m sure he wasn’t,’ Helen said.

  ‘He was; I could see it in his eyes when he looked at me. And the more I saw that, the more depressed I got and the more depressed I got, the more I ate.’

  ‘But now you’ve taken control,’ Marianne pointed out, her heart aching for her friend. ‘The Unislim classes are helping, aren’t they?’

  ‘Oh, yes, and the instructor, Shirley, has been so kind.’

  ‘So what’s the problem, Jo? Helen asked.

  ‘There is none, not really. It’s just that the fear doesn’t go away, it never goes away.’

  Marianne thought for a moment before speaking. ‘You know what, Jo? In all the time we’ve known each other, you’ve never really talked about your childhood; I don’t mean your time in St Anne’s, but before that.’

  Jo shrugged. ‘Sister Ignatius said the best thing I could do was to just forget about it.’

  ‘Typical,’ Marianne groaned.

  ‘Do you and your brother ever talk about it?’ Helen asked.

  ‘We hardly talk at all, really,’ Jo admitted. ‘And we’ve only met up a handful of times in recent years, and two of those were Mam and Dad’s funerals. We’re like strangers really. He looks a bit like Dad now.’ She shivered.

  ‘Perhaps you’re better off avoiding him altogether; you need to look after yourself,’ Helen suggested.

  ‘You know what, Jo? I think you need to talk to your doctor about all of this,’ Marianne said gently. ‘You’ve been keeping everything locked up inside for so many years, it’s a wonder you didn’t go mad.’

  Jo smiled. ‘Ah, sure I did.’

  ‘Well, for a crazy woman you’ve done a damn good job of raising a family,’ Helen retorted.

  Jo smiled. ‘They’re good girls; I am lucky.’

  ‘Have you ever told Greg any of this?’ Marianne asked.

  ‘No.’ Jo looked aghast at the thought. ‘If he knew I felt like this it would really worry him.’

  ‘But you need to talk about it,’ Marianne insisted.

  ‘Why do I? Yo
u and Helen are fine.’ Jo’s sigh said that it was her own fault that she was in this state.

  ‘But we came from entirely different backgrounds,’ Marianne protested. ‘I was in St Anne’s since I was a couple of weeks old; I never knew any other life. And though Ignatius was a bitch and the place wasn’t exactly the Ritz, it was my home and I have lots of good memories.’

  ‘And I’m no different, Jo. I don’t remember life before St Anne’s,’ Helen reminded her. ‘But you came from a violent home, you were just going into puberty and some of the kids gave you hell; you can’t possibly compare us.’

  Marianne could see doubt and worry in Jo’s eyes. ‘I could come with you if you like, or I’ll take you to see my doctor. Mandy is so easy to talk to and I’m sure she could send you to someone who could help.’

  Jo’s eyes lit up. ‘Oh, yes, I’d much prefer that. My doctor is a nice man but he plays golf with Greg and, well, I just wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to him.’

  ‘You tell me when suits and I’ll set up an appointment with Mandy. We can see her while Greg’s at work and he need never know if you don’t want him to.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Jo said tearfully. ‘You’re very good.’

  ‘Why don’t you stay the night?’ Marianne asked. ‘I could put Kate in with Andrew and you could have her bed.’

  ‘No.’ Jo glanced anxiously at the clock. ‘I should go; Greg will be wondering where I am.’

  ‘Johnny too.’ Helen stood up and stretched.

  ‘Good! It will keep them both on their toes,’ Marianne laughed.

  Marianne was washing their glasses when her phone buzzed. Drying her hands, she went to check it just as she heard Dot come in. It was a picture from Rob of Kate proudly holding the net with the fish in it, and Andrew and Dot either side of her. She smiled as Dot walked into the room. ‘Look,’ she said, handing the phone over.

  Dot laughed. ‘Ah, that’s a lovely one! Isn’t it great to see Kate smiling like that?

  ‘So, tell me: how come you were out fishing with my tenant?’ Marianne asked, trying not to sound too curious.

  ‘Rob locked himself out of the house and he couldn’t get hold of you . . .’

  Marianne closed her eyes briefly; how she’d love Rob to get a hold of her.

  ‘. . . so he phoned me. Well, I was only down at the school so we were able to go straight up and let him in. And then when we were eating ice cream—’

  ‘Ice cream?’

  ‘Yes, Rob insisted we go in and have some to thank us; ah, he’s a lovely man altogether.’

  ‘He is,’ Marianne agreed. ‘And the fishing?’

  ‘Well, he was on his way down to a place not far from the harbour and the children were fascinated, wanted to know every last detail, so he asked us to come along.’

  Marianne felt a warm glow at the idea of Rob spending time with her children, although she’d have been even happier if she’d been there too.

  ‘And you don’t have to worry about their uniforms; Rob kitted them out with wellies and jackets.’ Dot pointed at the phone.

  Marianne noticed for the first time that the children were wearing rainproof gear. Of course, she remembered now, he had nephews around the same age. ‘It looks like you had fun.’

  ‘It was a great afternoon; he’s a lovely fella.’

  ‘Do you fancy him?’ Marianne teased.

  ‘Don’t you? A fine-looking man like him?’

  ‘This is a very strange conversation to be having with my mother-in-law.’

  ‘Yeah, well, we’re a strange family,’ Dot grinned. ‘But I hope you know that I would never mind you taking up with another man, although I’d probably want to interview him and send him for a medical first, mind.’

  Marianne had to laugh at that. ‘You don’t have to worry, Dot. I’m not interested in going out with anyone.’ Well, she was, but he was taken and that was an end to it.

  ‘Ah, you’re young, love. You’ll meet someone one day, of course you will.’

  ‘Perhaps,’ Marianne said, though she doubted she would ever love anyone the way she loved Rob. She took up the phone and flicked back to the earlier photo of him with Kate and Andrew; how right they looked together, so right that it hurt.

  ‘In the meantime, it will be nice for the children to have a good male influence about the place.’

  ‘They’re not going to see him that often,’ Marianne reminded her.

  ‘I wouldn’t be so sure; he invited them over next week to meet the nephews.’

  ‘Did he?’

  ‘He did, and he struck me as the kind of man who keeps his promises.’

  ‘You only met him today, how are you so sure?’ Marianne asked, curious as to why Rob had made such an impression on Dot in a few short hours.

  ‘Ah, when you see the way a man is around children you just know.’

  ‘I suppose you do,’ Marianne said. She was touched that Rob had been so kind to her children, but then he’d always loved kids and had probably enjoyed meeting Kate and Andrew having heard so much about them. It made it even harder to accept that he could never be hers. He must really love Vanessa if he’d asked her to marry him; Rob wasn’t the kind of man to enter into marriage lightly. And yet, he’d been ready to throw that away for her. The thought thrilled her but she couldn’t let him do it. The only reason he’d said those things was because of their history and their sexual chemistry that seemed as strong as ever. When he touched her, an electric shock ran through her body. She couldn’t believe that, despite having had no contact for so long, when he held and kissed her it was if they’d never been apart. But she was the past and Vanessa was his present and his future.

  ‘Sorry, what was that?’ she said, realizing that Dot had said something.

  ‘Nothing important, love,’ Dot chuckled. ‘I was just saying that I think he’s basically a good man.’

  ‘Yes, Dot, I think you’re right.’

  Chapter Thirty-four

  Rob saved the document and then emailed it to Marianne. He thought for a moment about how to phrase the covering note; should it be light or businesslike? He opted for businesslike. He hadn’t heard a word from her since spending the evening with her children, which surprised and hurt him. He thought he would reach her and that she would realize he was serious, but perhaps she had changed and it was too late for them. With a heavy sigh he started to type.

  Hi Marianne,

  Enclosed are some notes about the course next week, though I’m confident you won’t need them. I’ll be in London for a few days but still available on the mobile if you need me.

  He paused, willing her to need him.

  Can you come over on Friday evening so we can review how it’s gone?

  Good luck!

  Rob

  The phone rang, and looking at the display, he saw Vanessa’s lovely smiling face flash up. ‘Hi, Vanessa.’

  ‘Hello, darling, how are you?’

  ‘Fine but busy; I’ve a lot to do before I head to the airport.’

  ‘I can’t believe you’re finally coming. We’ll have a great time, Rob.’

  ‘I’m looking forward to the break,’ he said, though he found it hard to inject any enthusiasm into his voice.

  ‘I thought we’d go straight to dinner and then we could meet up with some of my friends at a club later.’

  ‘Sounds good.’

  ‘You’ll like them, Rob, they’re fun.’

  ‘I’m sure I will.’

  ‘Okay, then. I’ll see you at the airport. Text me if there are any delays.’

  ‘I will,’ he promised.

  ‘Later, darling.’

  ‘See you later, Vanessa.’

  Helen had given Colm fifty euros to make himself scarce for the evening. She made a lovely dinner of Dover sole followed by banoffi pie, two of Johnny’s favourites, and opened a bottle of the Australian white wine he liked. When everything was ready to serve, she put on some music, dimmed the lights and lit some candles. Finally, she hurried
upstairs, put on a silky red dress that Johnny loved, some lipstick, combed her hair and sprayed on the perfume he’d bought her for Christmas. If there was another woman, she was going to make damn sure that he realized exactly what he was giving up. Feeling sick with nerves, she went downstairs and was just bending down to the oven to check on the fish, when he walked in.

  ‘Well, now, there’s a sight to raise any man’s spirits after a hard day’s work.’

  She stood up and turned to see him leaning against the doorjamb, watching her with appreciative eyes.

  ‘Do we have someone coming for dinner?’ he asked.

  ‘No one.’

  ‘Well, that is good news.’ He crossed the room, took her into his arms and kissed her. ‘Can I have you for dinner?’ he asked as he ran his hands all over her body.

  ‘Later, darling. I need to talk to you.’

  He groaned. ‘Ah, I should have known there was an agenda. I don’t give a damn if you’ve spent our life savings on a coat, Helen, I want you.’

  She smiled, revelling in his excitement and thinking how could he possibly be like this with her if he was having an affair; perhaps Jo and Marianne were right.

  He pulled back slightly and studied her. ‘What are you smiling about?’

  ‘Nothing. Go and pour the wine, dinner is ready.’

  Johnny chatted easily throughout the meal and when he finished his dessert he sat back contentedly with his wine and smiled at her. ‘Okay, out with it, woman.’

  Helen took a sip of water before she answered, suddenly feeling both guilty and foolish. ‘I followed you on Friday, Johnny. I saw you with Marianne and I jumped to the wrong conclusion.’

  He looked at her, puzzled for a moment, and then realization dawned. ‘You thought I was screwing around with Marianne?’

  Helen squirmed at his crudity. ‘Is it so surprising? You’ve been spending so much time with her and she’s so pretty and you seemed so cosy together. And you’ve been acting very strangely; lying about where you were going—’

  ‘Have you been following me? Checking up on me?’ He looked at her in disbelief.

  ‘No, but only because I was afraid that if I confronted you that you would grasp the opportunity to confess and tell me you were leaving me.’