With Autumn's Return (Westward Winds Book #3): A Novel

by Amanda Cabot

  Harrison had taken the chair next to her but hadn’t slid it under the table. Instead, he’d angled it so he could see her without twisting. His blue eyes were solemn, but there was no sign of condemnation. There would be, once he learned what Gwen had done.

  “Oh, Harrison, I’m so ashamed. You’ll despise me when you learn how foolish I’ve been.” And that hurt more than anything except the knowledge that Rose might have suffered from her stupidity.

  Harrison shook his head. “I doubt that. You’re a good woman, Gwen Amos. Whatever you think you’ve done can’t be as bad as you’re imagining.”

  He was wrong. “You’ve never been as weak as I am. You’ve never risked your child’s future.”

  Harrison shook his head again. “You’re speaking nonsense. I know you. You would never hurt Rose.”

  “But I almost did. I drank bottle after bottle of a tonic that Elizabeth says could have killed me.”

  “What tonic?” For the first time, Gwen thought she heard censure in his voice. It was as she had feared. He would scorn her once he learned the truth.

  “Lady Meecham’s Celebrated Vegetable Compound.”

  His eyes bright with recognition, Harrison leaned forward, narrowing the space between them. “A traveling peddler tried to get my parents to stock that in their store. He claimed Lady Meecham was a genuine English lady, married to some hobnobbing member of high society. Pa didn’t believe that. Turns out there is no such person as Lady Meecham. The person responsible for the stuff is a former farmer from Virginia who saw a quick way to get rich. As for the stuff inside those pretty bottles, the so-called vegetable compound is nothing more than a few drops of carrot juice mixed with distilled alcohol.”

  Harrison’s explanation only deepened Gwen’s shame. She’d considered buying Lydia Pinkham’s compound but had been impressed with the idea of having a tonic an English lady had developed. What a fool she’d been!

  “So, why did you drink it?” Harrison wasn’t going to stop until he’d uncovered the full extent of her shame.

  Gwen took a deep breath, wishing she were somewhere—anywhere—else. And yet that wasn’t completely true, for it had felt so good having Harrison’s arm around her waist, and the concern that she saw reflected from his eyes ignited the hope that he might not laugh when he heard the reasons for her foolishness.

  “Why? Because I’m fat and ugly and stupid and no one would ever love me the way I was. Mike was the only man who could love me, and he’s gone.” She hadn’t intended to admit all that, but when she’d opened her mouth, planning to say nothing more than, “I wanted to be thin,” the words had come out faster than a mountain waterfall in spring.

  Harrison reached forward and took her hands in his. For a second, he said nothing, merely stared at her with an expression so intense that it made her wonder what he could possibly be thinking. He didn’t look as if he disapproved. To the contrary, it almost seemed as if he wanted to smile at her. But he couldn’t. No one could smile once he’d learned what she’d done.

  “You’re wrong, Gwen. Someone could love you. Someone does love you. I do.”

  He was being kind. That was Harrison, a kind man. “You don’t have to say that just because you know I’m upset.”

  “It’s the truth.” Harrison tightened the grip on her hands and looked into her eyes. Gwen saw nothing but sincerity there, and it made her breath catch. “I think I fell in love with you when I was here last year.” His lips curved into a sweet smile. “You believe you were foolish. I should win an award for stupidity, because I didn’t recognize my feelings as love. I wasn’t sure why I felt the way I did, but I knew one thing for certain: I was destined to remain a bachelor.” Harrison chuckled. “Boy, was I stupid. All I could think about was you. I knew someone was courting you, and I couldn’t stop myself from wishing I was that man.”

  Gwen’s eyes widened at the notion that this wonderful man loved her. She couldn’t claim that she’d spent months thinking about Harrison while he was gone. The truth was, after the man she believed loved her proved to be untrustworthy, she hadn’t thought about any man, at least not in a romantic sense. She’d been so convinced that she was unworthy of love that she’d deliberately blocked all thoughts of love and marriage. But then Harrison had returned, and everything had changed.

  Harrison smiled, as if he’d read her thoughts. “When Barrett asked me to come back to supervise the building, I thought it would give me a chance to get over my infatuation, and so I jumped at the opportunity. But I was wrong. When I got here, I realized that what I felt for you wasn’t infatuation. It was love, and it grew each time I saw you.”

  Just as her feelings for him had grown with each hour that they spent together. Gwen had long since admitted to herself that she loved Harrison. That was the reason she’d drunk all those bottles of Lady Meecham’s vile compound: she’d wanted to be beautiful for him, or if not beautiful, at least less ugly.

  “Are you sure?” Though every fiber of her being wanted to, she still could not quite believe that Harrison loved her.

  He nodded and tightened the grip on her hands. “I’m more certain of this than anything I’ve felt in my thirty-six years. I love you, Gwen. I want to marry you and be a father to Rose. And, if we’re blessed, I want us to have other children—half a dozen or so.”

  Gwen couldn’t help smiling at the thought of seven children running around the ranch, each one wanting to be the first to ride a new colt, but the thought that made her breathless was the picture of sharing a life with Harrison. Together they would turn the ranch house into a home, a home filled with love.

  Harrison pulled her to her feet. Looking down at her, his eyes reflecting the love she knew he saw in hers, he asked, “Will you marry me and be the mother of my children?”

  Gwen wrenched her hands from his and threw her arms around his neck. “Yes, oh yes!”

  21

  We should make it a double wedding.” Gwen glowed with happiness, her round face beaming, her eyes sparkling as she washed the last of the breakfast dishes. She’d stayed in the parlor, waiting for the hired man to bring Elizabeth home from the Grangers’, and though Elizabeth had been exhausted when she’d arrived, sleep was soon the last thing on her mind. Gwen’s news was truly the answer to prayers.

  “He told me he loved me, even when my face was blotchy from crying,” Gwen had said, her voice filled with wonder. “He wants to marry me.”

  “Of course he does. He couldn’t find a better wife than you if he spent the rest of his life searching.” Though she’d miss Gwen’s company, Elizabeth knew that marriage to Harrison would bring both Gwen and Rose the family and home they deserved. Barrett would be pleased. The brothers would be reunited, and Elizabeth would have both of her sisters close by. But, while the new year would bring many good things, a double wedding was not one of them.

  “I’m afraid not,” Elizabeth told Gwen. After she’d offered prayers of thanksgiving for Gwen’s happiness, Elizabeth had repeated her pleas for guidance. There had been no voices from burning bushes, no words written on stone tablets, but when she awoke, it was with the conviction that God intended her to be a doctor. Not just for a few months or even a few years, but for her entire life. And though the image of holding a baby with Jason’s brown eyes and square chin refused to fade, Elizabeth could not envision that ever becoming reality.

  “Why not?” For a second, Elizabeth feared Gwen had read her thoughts, but then she realized Gwen was still talking about the double wedding. “Harrison wants to wait to be married until Barrett and Charlotte return. If we wait a bit longer, Abigail and Ethan will be here. You could have both your sisters as your attendants.”

  Elizabeth tried not to sigh at the thought of having her sisters with her on such a joyous occasion. They’d all been together for Charlotte’s first wedding, and Charlotte had witnessed Abigail’s marriage to Ethan, but when Charlotte and Barrett had wed, there had been no family members present.

  “It’s a lovely idea
, Gwen, and it was generous of you to suggest it, but there are two problems.” When wrinkles formed between Gwen’s eyes, Elizabeth continued her explanation. “A wedding is a special day. I don’t want you to share yours with anyone.”

  Gwen smiled as she hung the dish towel to dry. “I wouldn’t mind, and I’m sure Harrison wouldn’t, either.”

  “Rose might.” Gwen had told Elizabeth that she was going to have her daughter walk down the aisle with her and stand at her side as she and Harrison exchanged vows. “She’s old enough to remember the day, and I don’t want her confused about whose wedding it is.”

  Gwen’s pursed lips told Elizabeth she was considering that argument but wasn’t convinced. “You said there were two problems. What’s the other one?”

  It was simple. “No one has asked me to be his wife.”

  Smiling once more, Gwen shook her head. “That won’t be a problem,” she predicted. “I know you deny it, but everyone knows Jason’s courting you.”

  Was he? Elizabeth asked herself as she headed toward Phoebe’s establishment. It was true that even though he had never announced his intention or asked for her approval, many of Jason’s actions resembled traditional courting. They spent a lot of time together. Then there were the dinners they’d shared, the candy he’d brought her, the book he’d given her only yesterday. And of course there was the kiss. That wonderful, toe-tingling, unforgettable kiss. The kiss that had not been repeated.

  Of course Jason hadn’t repeated it, for he wasn’t courting her. Elizabeth was not the woman of his dreams. No matter how much time they spent together and how congenial that time seemed, she was not the kind of mother he wanted for his children. Jason wanted a woman who’d spend all her time raising her children, giving them the maternal love he’d never known.

  She couldn’t fault him for wanting that, even though she could not be that woman. Though her will had faltered last night, dawn had brought the realization that she could not give up her practice, not even for Jason. Doing that would mean abandoning more than her dreams. Elizabeth would also be straying from the path she believed God had established for her, and that was one thing she would not do.

  “How much longer will it be before Sheila’s brat is born?” Phoebe demanded an hour later when Elizabeth had finished her monthly visit. Following the custom that she and Phoebe had established the first time she’d come to the bordello, Elizabeth’s last stop was Phoebe’s apartment. There they’d share a cup of coffee and a few minutes of conversation.

  “Another month,” she said, replacing the delicate china cup on its saucer. Like the building’s furnishings and the girls’ clothing, the china was of the finest quality. Phoebe spared no expense on the business that bore her name.

  Inclining her pale blonde head in a gesture that was almost regal, the madam smiled. “So she’ll be able to entertain customers by Christmas.”

  “I’m afraid not.” Elizabeth refused the plate of cinnamon rolls that Phoebe offered. “Sheila will need at least six weeks after giving birth before she can . . .” Elizabeth paused, then chose Phoebe’s euphemism. “Entertain.”

  “Such foolishness!” Phoebe spat the words. A second later she shrugged her shoulders in apparent resignation. “I’m not sure who’s the bigger fool—Sheila for getting trapped like that or me for not throwing her out when she refused to get rid of the brat.”

  Elizabeth took another sip of coffee, considering the woman who sat in the chair opposite her. Her words were harsh, but the softening in her eyes told Elizabeth Phoebe was more bluster than bite. “You’re an intriguing woman, Phoebe Simcoe,” she said softly. “I’d like to think that even though you try to pretend otherwise, underneath it all, you have a kind heart.”

  “Who, me? Never! Now finish that coffee and get out of here before I decide to turn my business back to Dr. Worland.”

  “You wouldn’t do that.”

  Phoebe raised an eyebrow, then nodded. “You’re right. I wouldn’t, but don’t press your luck, thinking I’m kind. You’ve got enough kindness for both of us.”

  Elizabeth was frowning as she walked back to her office, and it had nothing to do with Phoebe or her girls. Though she couldn’t explain why, her thoughts kept returning to the Granger girls. There was no cause for worry. Elizabeth was certain of her diagnosis, and that diagnosis meant that by now they were fully recovered from last night’s illness. And yet she could not stop thinking of them.

  By midafternoon, when thoughts of the girls still tumbled through her mind, she admitted defeat. “I’m leaving early today,” she told Jason.

  He nodded, as if her leaving several hours early was a routine occurrence, when it was not. “Let me get my coat. I’ll go with you.”

  Elizabeth shook her head. “I’m not going home.” The only reason she’d come to Jason’s office was to keep him from worrying when she didn’t return by her normal quitting time. “I want to check on some patients.” She glanced at the window. Though thick clouds obscured the sun, the predicted snow had not begun. “It’s a bit of a ride, and I want to be back by nightfall. I’m not used to driving in the dark.”

  Jason slid his arms into the sleeves of his overcoat and grabbed his hat. “I’ll be glad to drive you wherever you’re going. That way if your call takes more time than you expect, it won’t be a problem. Unlike you, I’ve had plenty of experience driving a team after dark.”

  Elizabeth’s heart accelerated at the thought of spending more time with Jason. They’d talk and laugh, and the miles would pass quickly. It was tempting, and yet . . . “Thank you, but I can’t impose. It would be boring for you, just waiting while I make my house call.”

  After settling his hat on his head, Jason reached for his gloves, apparently dismissing Elizabeth’s protests. “It will be no more boring than sitting here, and this way I’ll have the pleasure of your company on the ride. It’ll be like my childhood when I accompanied the reverend on his calls.” Jason grinned. “Of course, a few things will be different. I’ll be the one who’s driving. More importantly, the company will be much more attractive.”

  Elizabeth felt the color rise to her cheeks. “You’re sure it won’t be a bother?”

  “I’m sure. Now, where are we going?”

  “The Granger ranch.”

  Jason’s face lit with enthusiasm. “Great! Kevin started as one of my clients, but I now consider him a friend. I can visit with him while you give his girls a checkup.”

  As Elizabeth had known would be the case, the ride was pleasant. She and Jason spoke of everything from Gwen and Harrison’s engagement to their own plans for Thanksgiving, and as they did, Elizabeth’s concerns over the Granger girls subsided, replaced by the delight of being with Jason. The way she felt today, she could spend the rest of her life riding with him, if only the wind would stop. Out on the open prairie, it seemed colder and fiercer than it had in town, easily penetrating her woolen coat, and though she had a thick blanket wrapped around her legs, Elizabeth could not help shivering.

  “You’re cold.” Jason turned to look at her, shaking his head slightly as he said, “I should have hired a closed carriage.” He stretched out his arm, wrapping it around her shoulders, and drew her closer. “The least I can do is share some of my warmth with you.”

  Perhaps she shouldn’t have accepted the invitation. Mama would have been scandalized by the thought of her unmarried daughter sitting so close to a single man. But Mama had never experienced Wyoming’s cold wind, and Mama had never met Jason. Elizabeth would be perfectly safe with him. Moreover, she might be warmer.

  Nestling close to Jason, Elizabeth laid her head against his chest. It was only her imagination that she heard his heart beating. With the layers of clothing that separated them, not to mention the wind, she could hear nothing more than the sound of her own heartbeat, and that had accelerated the instant Jason had put his arm around her shoulders. Still, she could not deny the fact that she was warmer and that being here with Jason made her heart sing. It felt so
good, so right, sitting close to him, traveling together to check on her patients. How wonderful it would be if they could do it again, if Jason were a permanent part of her life. But that was only a dream.

  When they reached the ranch, Kevin Granger emerged from the farmhouse, his expression a mélange of curiosity and pleasure. “Jason, Dr. Harding. I wasn’t expecting either of you.”

  From the man’s carefree smile, it appeared that Elizabeth’s fears had been for naught. “I was concerned about your daughters,” she admitted. “I wanted to be certain their illness was nothing more serious than too much candy.”

  Jason shot Kevin an amused look. “You fed the girls candy? Even I know better than that.”

  “I didn’t exactly feed them.” As he ushered them into the house, Kevin explained what had happened. “I hope they learned their lesson.”

  “If they’re like me, it’ll take more than one sore stomach.” Jason punctuated his statement with a chuckle. “Candy’s an irresistible lure.”

  Apparently attracted by the sound of voices, the two older girls burst from their room, skidding to a stop in front of Elizabeth and Jason. “I remember you.” Rebecca pointed at Elizabeth.

  “You held my head when I was sick,” her younger sister announced. “I’m better now.”

  Elizabeth nodded. “I can see that, but I’d still like to make sure you and Ruby are all right.”

  “We are,” Rebecca announced. “We promised Pa that we wouldn’t eat any more candy.” When Jason gave Kevin a smile that said he suspected that promise would be broken more than once, Rebecca tugged on Elizabeth’s skirt. “Can you play with us?”

  Elizabeth raised an eyebrow as she looked at Jason. A quick nod told her he didn’t mind the delay. “Maybe for a few minutes.” Though playing games with children wasn’t an official part of being a physician, the additional time with the girls would give Elizabeth the opportunity to observe them more closely.