by Ford, Mia
Wow, this is weird. I haven’t been here for a very long time. After I finally finished college, I didn’t think I would ever come back again. My heart is already hammering in my throat, making me feel a bit sick.
This is for Savannah, I remind myself. She needs me. So, I’m here. That’s all there is to it.
I dart my eyes around the streets, familiarity flooding me as I do. I see the café I used to hang out at with some of the guys from class just before our exams. I see the park where we used to hang out in the lazy summer days. I see the bar, outside which I had my very first kiss with the woman I thought I would be with forever…
No, I shake my head rapidly. No, I can’t get lost in the past. That’s done now. It’s over.
But it comes for me anyway. I recall the night we went out to celebrate our first year of college being done. Back then, we were looking forward to the summer, we all had our separate ways, but we intended to see each other as well. Especially me and Savannah. We had built up a beautiful friendship from our very first week of college. We met on a night out when she accidently poured a drink over me and became best friends ever since.
Of course, I always wanted more, and how could I not? She was beautiful, funny, sweet, like an angel. I think it was love at first sight. I certainly experienced a nuclear explosion when our eyes first met. But since Savannah didn’t seem interested in anyone, I was prepared to wait. As long as I got to be in her life, I was happy.
I was her side kick, the guy she called on for anything, and I loved it. Being with Savannah was like having the sun shining down on me. I loved every second of it. Even more when the chemistry began to build.
It happened slowly, I think it crept up on her which was fine by me. She started to look at me differently with a glaze in her eyes. I could almost see the love filling her up when she looked at me. I suppose it helped that I was working out a lot and finally growing into my body. I thought she was finally seeing me as a man.
We’d been drinking all afternoon, but slow casual drinking, nothing too hardcore, and we’d finally turned to soft drinks because the bar couldn’t for all good reasons serve us, knowing that we were underage. I didn’t care, I was high on life anyway. I was happy just to be with Savannah. Nothing else mattered.
Everyone else went inside the bar but me and Savannah hung around in the sunshine. We told everyone we were staying for a cigarette even though neither of us smoked. As soon as we were left alone I started to realize that something was different. It seemed like it was finally going to happen.
“You’re so sweet,” she said to me with a smile, while tapping my nose. “I like you a lot, Jayden.”
I sucked in a deep breath and smiled at her. “I love you too, Savannah, but I think you know that already.”
“Do you think we should hang out over the summer?” she asked coyly. She gave me the sweetest smile making me fall even deeper in love. “Like, just me and you. I think it would be pretty great, don’t you?”
My heart skipped about ten beats. That was what I’d wanted to hear ever since I first laid eyes on her. “Oh God, you have no idea how much I would like that. That sounds absolutely amazing, Savannah.”
She rested her hands on my hips and dragged me a little bit closer to her. She tilted her head and pressed herself up onto her tip toes. I could already smell her intoxicating, citrusy scent. I felt overwhelmed by her, consumed by her. It isn’t hard for me to drag that sensation back up once more, I can feel it everywhere.
Then, we kissed and the kiss was filled with promise. I knew in that moment as the axis the world was resting upon shifted, that nothing was going to be the same, that we were going to be together forever…
I rest my hands on my arms and inhale deeply. That night was everything, it was filled with a deep promise for the future, but the next morning she was gone. She had left college and I never saw her again. I spoke to her only once when she apologized for everything she said to me, for the kiss too. She suggested it shouldn’t have ever happened because there was someone else that she was going to marry. Bryan Janssen.
I couldn’t understand it, I thought it was a joke, but as I watched her life unravel from afar it seemed too perfect. I didn’t want to accept it but I had to. I wasn’t given the choice. She married him, she looked happy, I thought she’d made the right decision. For her, not me, but I wasn’t the important one.
I guess that’s why I’m still not over her really. I never got closure, I never understood, it just happened to me, out of my control. I still feel like I could slip back into a decade ago and just be there with her.
I suppose I’ll see soon enough when I meet up with her again, perhaps that’s exactly how it will feel. All the years will melt away and it’ll just be me and my best friend who I’m not so secretly in love with.
I stand outside of the café and suck in a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. My pulse races, my throat runs dry, my shoulders hunch up and my limbs tense up. I’m a mess, but I need to be in control. This moment isn’t about me and my emotions, it’s about Savannah and her problems. She needs me.
Finally, I work up the bravery to shove that door open and I step inside. Immediately, like we have magnets between us, I’m drawn to her eyes. The sparkling green eyes which make me jolt painfully.
It’s still her. For a moment, the decade does vanish and I can feel her, the same spirit as before.
But then I pull my eyes back and I see all of her, not just her eyes. She’s the same, but different too. She’s Savannah, but a different version of her. The fifties buttoned up housewife version. Her hair isn’t flowing free, it’s tied up in a knot, her face isn’t make-up free, it’s plastered thickly over her, covering her up like a mask. I know we all dress differently now, but she isn’t in her tight skinny jeans and baggy tee shirts, she’s in a tight fitting dress that doesn’t look comfortable at all. She looks nice, but not like her.
“H… hi,” I stammer awkwardly, now feeling like a stranger. “Can I come and sit with you?”
Savannah gives me an odd look, but soon relaxes into a smile. For a moment there, I thought she didn’t recognize me. “Yes, of course you can, Jayden. Please, come and sit with me, thank you.”
Even her voice is stiff now, she isn’t the free spirit that she used to be. It’s like she’s an actress or a robot. I can’t quite wrap my head around it, I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.
“Would you like me to get you a coffee or something? I know you’ve travelled a long way.”
“Erm… sure, yes please.”
As she walks off I wonder where the unhinged version of her from the cell phone has gone. This doesn’t seem like someone who needs help. This is someone who has it all tightly wound together.
Once she puts the mug down in front of me I can barely stand it. The words explode from me like bullets. “What’s going on here, Savannah? Why did you call me? You seemed really…”
She nods slowly and clasps her hands tightly together. I feel bad as I see tears ball up behind her eyes. I’ve come in too hot and heavy. I should have been a little bit more sympathetic.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean…”
“No, no. I called you here. I should explain why I called you here.”
“Right, sure. Whatever you need. That’s why I’m here.”
“My, erm… my son…”
“You have a child.” I suddenly realize my error. Her face falls and I can see that I’ve focused on completely the wrong thing. I’m a freaking idiot. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound so strong.”
She nods slowly. “Yes, I have a son. He’s six years old and he’s missing.” The tear falls, this is worse than I was expecting. “Everyone keeps telling me that he’s dead but I know he isn’t. I just know it.”
Shit. That sounds helpless, something I don’t think anything can be done about, especially about me. “Erm, oh wow. That’s really…” I gulp loudly. “I don’t know what to say about that.”
“I know it makes me so
und crazy. Trust me, I can hear what I sound like, but I just know, I can’t explain it.” I can see in her eyes she senses herself losing me. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called you here. I just thought that… with your military experience… and contacts… and…” She’s crumbling, even in public. “I don’t know…”
“Savannah, stop.” I rest my hand reassuringly on her arm. “I’m sorry, this is just a lot for me to take in right now. I wasn’t expecting it to be anything so heavy. So much. But I will help you, of course I will.”
She doesn’t look at me right away, but when she does I can see the relief in her eyes. I know this isn’t everything, more will be peeled away, it seems like this problem has onion layers, but for now she just needs to know that she isn’t alone. She has me with her, whatever that means.
“Thank you, Jayden. Thank you so much. You have no idea what this means.”
“So, erm… Savannah, I have to ask something… where is your husband in all of this?”
I don’t know why it’s so important, maybe for my own sanity, but I need to know why she picked me to speak to. She didn’t choose to marry me, so why now? Why me? After all of this time.
“My husband is in on this.” She nods firmly and glowers. “I’m sure of it. I can’t speak to him because he’s done something. I know that sounds mad because Peter is his son too, but you don’t know what he’s like.”
Oh bollocks, this is terrible. This is a nightmare. The one thing I do know about Bryan Janssen is that he is a powerful man, one who probably has the whole city under his command. If this is true and Savannah’s suspicions are correct, then whatever the hell is going on here runs deep. It’s going to be really hard to unravel.
“Jayden, I need to get out of here. I can’t take it anymore. Please, take me away from here so I can talk to you properly. I can’t…” She cries loudly, probably humiliating herself in public, so I scoop her up in my arms and I take her from the café so we can finally hash this out. Whatever it is.
I don’t know what I’m doing here, I think I should have listened to Tommy, but I’m in now, sucked in too deep. I don’t know what it’s going to take to be able to extract myself.
I also don’t know what will happen if this doesn’t turn out as she wants it to, but I can’t focus too much on that. Not if I want to be here for Savannah.
5
Savannah
As Jayden wraps his arm around me to guide me out of the café - which thankfully is one that I’ve never been in before and isn’t anywhere near my husband’s office - I’m transported back in time. Even after all these years he smells exactly the same, and I clutch onto that familiarity. I need that to remind me that all the hope isn’t lost.
I loved Jayden more that he’ll ever know. I loved him from afar for a very long time. I didn’t tell him because he was so cool back then. So smooth and street smart. I’d been sheltered my whole life, I hadn’t ever been kissed never mind anything else, so to be around someone who had the world at his feet was too intimidating.
All the girls wanted him as well. He had a flurry of female attention. The fact that he didn’t even seem to notice allowed me to fall much deeper in love with him. Pippa was my roommate back then, that was how we met, and she must have gotten so sick at listening to me talk about him all the damn time.
Then, the end of the first year came around. By that time, I shared such a deep bond with Jayden, I was actually starting to feel a bit more confident about myself. I knew I’d have to tell him that I hadn’t ever been with anyone before, but by that point I knew how nice he was. I could see that it was going to be fine.
“You should hurry up and tell him,” Pippa warned me. “Remember anything can happen over the summer.”
“Oh yeah… you think he might come back with a girlfriend?” I hated that idea.
She gave me a half shrug. “I don’t know, but it’s best to be safe isn’t it? I keep telling you he likes you, it’s obvious from the way he gives you puppy dog eyes all the time. Why don’t you just give him a clue?”
I stared at my youthful reflection in the mirror, not knowing then how quickly I’d lose that carefree appearance, and I shook my hips from side to side. I remember giggling at the idea of confessing all.
“What can I say though? It’ll be so embarrassing. What if he rejects me? What if I make a fool of myself?”
Pippa rolled her eyes. “He won’t, trust me. And you won’t either. Just tell him you like him and ask him to meet up over summer. It’s simple really. Don’t overcomplicate it, that’s all.”
“I like you, let’s meet up over summer. Yeah, I suppose that isn’t too hard. I can do that… right?”
“Exactly, and if you get to spend some time with him out of the college bubble, you can really work out your feeling for him. You kinda need to do that away from everyone else, don’t you think?”
I knew what she meant, college was a bit like a bubble, closed off from the rest of the world. Sometimes we all got so wrapped up in what was happening around us that we forgot about life outside. As we were in our first year it didn’t matter though. That real life wasn’t coming for us any time soon. Only in small snippets for the holidays. We had all the time in the world to work out how to tackle real life.
“You have to tell him tonight at the party or you might not get a chance. Who knows when he’s leaving?”
The night was just as successful as I wanted it to be. We all went out, we drank and ate, we had fun, I even managed to get Jayden alone to say those magic words to him. I didn’t think I’d be able to hack it when the moment came, but surprisingly I was cool as ice. I made it work. We made plans to actually date over the long summer months. I thought he was going to be mine, I was excited for where things would lead.
My first kiss with Jayden, my first kiss ever, actually, was amazing. It unlocked something inside of me that I didn’t even know was there. I felt beautiful, powerful, and a white hot desire bolted into my panties and I knew that I’d like it when it eventually led to more. I wasn’t prepared for it to that night because I wanted to date first, but then I didn’t know back then that night would be the last one. I had no idea what was coming.
My heart raced, my chest bloomed, I felt warm everywhere. It was the most deliciously intoxicating sensation I’d ever experienced. It was the hope too, I so loved the hope. Finally, I had my Jayden.
“You are the girl that I’m going to marry,” Jayden told me as we pulled up for air. “I mean it.”
I parted my lips, about to say something very similar back, but I didn’t get any words out. Our friends joined us then, making it impossible, but I didn’t really need to. I communicated with my eyes. I let him know that I was there for him and that I wanted this to go all the way too. As he slipped his hand into mine, I thought we both understood that. I nearly screamed and jumped for joy as it seemed the world was my oyster.
“You did it?” Pippa mouthed excitedly at me. She was happy for my romantic journey to begin.
“Yes.” I nodded enthusiastically. “Can you believe it?”
“I’m so happy for you! You go girl.”
I couldn’t wait for summer then, I was so thrilled. I clung to Jayden’s hand never wanting to let it go. If only I hadn’t been so reserved, if only I had invited him up to my room, not for anything but sleep even, then maybe everything would have been different. I probably wouldn’t have been in the mess I was in today…
My father was there for me the following morning, almost as if he sensed me finally finding some happiness on my own. He nearly knocked the door down as he hammered so hard, scaring the shit out of me and Pippa. I opened the door, a little hung over with only my pajamas on to see him with a guy who worked for him.
“Erm, hi Daddy, what’s going on here?” I asked while feeling very self-conscious.
“Savannah, I have just come to inform you that you’re done with college.”
“For the summer? I know, I’m just about to pack up my stuff…”
>
“No, not for the summer. For good. You have no need to be here any longer.”
“What do you mean?” Even for him this felt overly controlling. “I haven’t finished my education.”
“You don’t need an education anymore. You have Bryan.”
“Who the hell is Bryan?”
He pointed to the man behind him as if that was supposed to make it any clearer. “Bryan here has shown a great interest in you and now we have done a deal and you will marry him.”
“What the hell are you on about?” I half hid behind the door as if that would protect me. “This isn’t the eighteen hundreds. I can marry whoever the hell I want. I’m only eighteen anyway, I don’t want to get married yet.”
Dad rolled his eyes at me as if I just didn’t get it. “Sweetheart, you have been born into an affluent family. The money is a privilege, but it’s also problematic because it means certain things are expected of you. You can have whatever you want, but you don’t get to make any choices. That’s the way it’s always been.”
I darted my eyes back helplessly towards Pippa but she simply gave me a helpless shrug as if she didn’t understand. She came from a very normal family, so this was all weird to her.
Again, I found myself wishing that my mother was still alive. She died when I was only three years old and her presence had always been greatly missed. I didn’t know her, but surely, she wouldn’t have allowed something like this to happen. I made the decision there and then that I’d go along with it for the moment, just so I wouldn’t make a fuss here at college, but that I’d get out of it as soon as possible.
I thought that even more when I spotted the smug smile on Bryan’s face.
“Fine, Daddy,” I sighed. “Let me just get my stuff together and I’ll be down.”
“Oh no. Me and Bryan will help you with that so we can get out of here quickly. You’ll take forever.”
“I can do it…”
He held up his hands to stop me. “Not a chance. Come on, Bryan, let’s do this together.”
