The Day I Shot Cupid

by Jennifer Love Hewitt

  If you want to be the girl, then fight hard all day, be a pit bull, whatever, but when he picks you up or gets home, melt into his arms and make him think he can take care of everything. Show him Hugh Grant movies (so he can learn some modern-day romance moves). Let him open the door. Let him be himself. Don’t be weak, but let him be the hero. He might just become the man you want.

  If you want to be the boss, then go out and find someone who is confident enough in himself to handle your strong woman. Let him know that sometimes you want to call the shots and don’t complain if he lets you. It’s your world, little miss bossy, he just lives in it.

  If you want to be his equal, then explain it to him. You want romance, but you don’t want to lose your power. You want to pay for dinner sometimes, but you also want him to surprise you. You don’t want him to do things for you; you want him to do things with you.

  I’m not saying this will cure all in the dating world, but if men and women would tell each other some of the things they tell their friends, it would be more honest and maybe more of the relationship we are looking for. Don’t get me wrong, some guys (and some women for that matter) will just never get it. But some, with a little help, just might. I think life and love can be what you make them. Figure out what you want out of love and life and go get it. If your guy or girl doesn’t fit those things, then find someone who will. We can no longer assume men know what we want; they don’t. So instead of fighting only for ourselves, maybe love is fighting for each other. And maybe real love is something we shouldn’t have to fight so damn hard for.

  Flossed and Tossed

  It’s 9:45 and I’m getting dressed for my day, but it’s different now. I’m stressed about my G-string. I think about putting my granny panties on (sorry, Grandma), saved only for laundry day, then something comes over me. As Sisqó’s “Thong Song” plays on the radio behind me, I start to think about the young girls at Rancho Bernardo High, April 26, 2002. They were asked to lift their dresses before they entered the dance. The principal at the high school asked the girls who arrived at the dance what kind of undies they were wearing. The female counselor lined up the girls against the wall and did an undie check. One of the girls said, “We were in front of the entire class, the counselor, assistant principal, and two campus cops.” If the girls had on a thong they were turned away. QUESTION: Where did those school officials buy their crack? What did they think they were protecting? Talk about missing the forest for the trees!

  FACT: Price of a cheap G-string, eight bucks. Price of an expensive G-string, one hundred. A young girl’s dignity, priceless. Bottom line, there is nothing redeeming in this story. School dances used to be first kisses and the running man. Now it’s gang shootings and panty checks?? Something to think about—no boys were checked for boxers or briefs. Still in my closet with Sisqó, I declare today G-string day! To the young girls at Rancho Bernardo High, I am so sorry you had to deal with such humiliation. And to the school officials, don’t knock a G-string until you try one!

  I want you to know you are not alone. I have experienced, laughed at, cried about, and had done to me all the things you are about to read. I have loved dating and hated it. I have known great men and not so great men. But the trenches of dating have taught me what I want and don’t want. Who I am and who I want to be. We must all go through it, and without it, what would we talk about over cocktails?!

  The Things We are Faced with While Dating and in Relationships

  (The Hookups, the Big Ups, and the Big Downs)

  In real love you want the other person’s good. In romantic love you want the other person.

  —Margaret Anderson

  The Stages Are Set

  The Eye Contact

  The Flirt

  The First Drink

  The Text

  The First Date

  The First D and M (Deep and Meaningful)

  The Great Sex

  The Boyfriend/Girlfriend

  The Spoon

  The Real Personality

  The Toiletry Kit

  The Parents

  The Denial

  The “Are We?”

  The “We Are”

  The Ring

  The Engaged

  THE EYE CONTACT

  This is the first moment. For women, it’s where the sun shines, the clouds part, butterflies start to flutter, and there’s a small chance that your entire future might start tonight. For men, I’ve been told, it’s the first thing they notice. It’s called “putting it out there.” Your eyes say it all: “Hello, I’m goin’ home with you” or “You’re goin’ home with me.” “I’m the one you want, so stop looking.” Sometimes the eyes just say, “Let’s dance!” or “Buy me a drink!” Or they can say the unfortunate, “I’m terrified, oh God, he doesn’t know I’m looking at the guy behind him.” Be very cautious, ladies, when you give that first look. It tells what kind of girl you are and what kind of girl you want to be. Whether you go classic or smoky, the eyes are the windows to the soul, so work it!

  THE FLIRT

  This next step is where boys become men. “Is your father a thief? Because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes” is not what we want to hear. Or, my favorite, and the night I will never forget, when I dressed up, waited all night for a guy to talk to me, and got “that guy.” He asked me if I was Irish because his penis was “Dublin.” I didn’t date or go out for five months after that. If those are my choices, I’m good for now. The flirt is as important as the first night of sex because it tells us whether or not you will even be able to give us a first night of sex. You have to be smooth, but not slick; warm, but not aggressive; interesting, but not pompous—and humor is always the key. Just talk to us, no tricks, all personality. And, oh yeah, don’t be seen talking to every girl in the bar before us. If they didn’t want it, we don’t either.

  THE FIRST DRINK

  This drink can tell you a lot. If he has eight, bad sign. If he has a Cosmo and you have a scotch, it could also be a bad sign. If he gets angry with alcohol, really bad sign. But if he can give great conversation, gets fun or sexy with alcohol, wants to tell you how beautiful you are, and it’s effortless, congrats, you are moving on to the next drink and the next step.

  THE TEXT

  This is just fun! You can say what- ever you want and put it all out there. He can make your heart race with four smileys and the right words. But beware: don’t let it go too far or for too long. Be coy and move him quickly to some face-to-face time.

  THE FIRST DATE

  The eye contact, the flirt, the first drink, and the text all got you right here. Both of you in your best outfits, trying not only to impress, but be impressed. You are telling all your best stories; he is showing all his best traits. The wine is amazing, the lighting perfect, the food, who cares? And his eyes are even more beautiful than you remembered. If all goes perfectly, he will call you tomorrow and you will wake your girlfriends up with details when you get home.

  THE FIRST D AND M

  (Deep and Meaningful)

  This is a very important conversation. Not for the reasons you may think. It’s because women make a mistake in the first d and m, and believe me they pay later. We are so willing to give ourselves over to love and the good feelings that come with it that our ears fail us. We shut off every clue men give us to who they really are and instead plug into those spaces who we want them to be and what we thought they said. Really, I can’t express this enough, listen to what they say, EVERYTHING! It’s telling you who they will be in a relationship within six months—that’s a lot of time you could save.

  THE GREAT SEX

  Oh God! This gets us every time. “The First Time.” Yes, it’s a bigger deal for us than it is for them, blah, blah, blah, but how good the act feels matters to both. When it works, it’s amazing. The horizontal lambada can change any bad day into a good one, end fights, and move two people into the next phase. Now, this is a little old-fashioned, but girls, know who you are giving it to. If you
want a relationship with a guy, show him what kind of woman you are. If he can get it the first night and you’re too drunk to remember, what does he have to come back for? On the flip side, men have to have a sexual connection to invest, so don’t hold out too long (unless, of course, that’s your belief or agreement with your guy). And one more thing: it doesn’t always have to be so serious; it’s okay to just have great sex. But remember, your body is a temple, not a 7-Eleven; you decide when it’s open and who gets to come in. And guys, sexual relationships can be stormy, so wear a raincoat.

  THE BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND

  This part isn’t so easy. This is where two different people with two different lives have to make it work. I’m not saying that all the fun stuff ends—by the way, if it does, you’re not in the right twosome. I just mean this is where, if a person or a relationship is worth it, you do the work to make it last.

  You want to be in something that brings out the best in you—where you can be your true self. You want to be with someone who makes you laugh, who is sexy, romantic, and knows what you are worth. Respect and trust are essential. I have struggled with the trust issue in my life. It’s hurt my personal growth, as well as growth in my relationships, and truly, most of the time, it comes more from my own fear of getting hurt than the other person’s actions. So don’t make my mistakes, and just trust as much as you can. And respect—this one is hard because it has to be earned, reciprocated, and kept. By that I mean your partner has to be respectful of you also, and has to always act in a way that doesn’t damage your respect for them. We’ve all had breakups, but the worst ones are when someone not only hurts you, but does it in a way that makes you lose respect for them. And last, I will say this: a really good relationship is where both people can learn from each other, the person you love can make you a better version of yourself, and you can do the same for them.

  THE SPOON

  I’m a spooner, I love to spoon!” There, I said it. This is one of the top BF/GF perks. Like a Velcro monkey, I will suck to the back of my cuddle partner, creating the ultimate spoon. But—and it’s no secret—guys hate to spoon. They prefer to fork, lol! Like a little, soft, female electric blanket, we cause them to sweat, they try to breathe through our long hair, and they almost always end up clinging to one side of the bed like a cliff that can only bring them death. So here’s the trick: Play it cool until he falls asleep and then Velcro yourself to him, quickly and with very little motion (think Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible). And then, if and when he wakes, turn quickly, like you were just stretching, and wait. When the little lamb sleeps again One…Two…Three…Velcro!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  THE REAL PERSONALITY

  I don’t wish this next step on anyone and some can avoid it. Remember when I said to really listen to everything he says early on? This is why. If, suddenly, six months in, he has anger issues, an inclination to be overly flirtatious with other girls, or is selfish or rude in the way he speaks to you, girls, please don’t hate me, but that’s your fault. People can learn things in their relationships to make the other person more comfortable and make small adjustments in personality, but really, leopards don’t change their spots. He probably told you in his own way, or showed you those behaviors six months ago, while you were dressing him up in your mind in a Prince Charming outfit, white horse included, and his words were drowned out by the Bridget Jones soundtrack in your head. What we do in falling in love is not wrong; it’s just not in our best interest. We turn them into what we want instead of seeing what they are, and we should keep looking until we find the guy who really is all the things we want. Or, maybe, along the way, just really listen, look inside, and see if those qualities are worth moving ahead with. And, oh yeah, there will never be perfect, but there will be pretty great. And a relationship in which people are really listening sounds pretty great to me!

  THE TOILETRY KIT

  OMG, let me just embarrass myself right now. I spent three hours once making his and her toiletry kits. One for my house and one for his house. At the time, I thought it was the most amazing gift. When I presented them I thought I would receive the Greatest Romantic Award. Uh, not what happened. Instead, I received awkward silence, followed by more awkward smiles, and never heard from him again. My advice, use overnight bags for as long as it takes. And when he is ready to put stuff at yours, still wait, and even then, start with small things and let him lead. Trust me, I know.

  THE PARENTS

  Um, have you watched Jerry Springer? When has it ever gone smoothly meeting the parents? There is always either awkward him, awkward you, awkward them, or awkward us. Awkward him is him hoping that they don’t bring up every ex-girlfriend and dorky Star Trek high school photo. Awkward you is hoping you wore the right thing, aren’t allergic to his mom’s cooking, and don’t get felt up by his weird uncle. Awkward them is their very vocal doubt about whether this will last, not even knowing he had a girlfriend, or calling you by the last one’s name. Awkward us is the silence…in your still Strawberry Shortcake–decorated bedroom. They could be your in-laws if you go to the next level. Will you go to the next level? And can you have intimacy in a Strawberry Shortcake bedroom? I honestly have no advice on how to make this easier, but I do send you into battle with love.

  THE DENIAL

  After you meet the parents, guys go into a phase of trying to pretend that the relationship isn’t moving into a serious place, that it’s still just casual dating with toiletry kits, sleeping together every night, and meeting the parents. This is when women have to be very careful and very smart. You actually want him to think it’s no big deal because you don’t want him to get scared, but you also want him to know that you’re the type of girl he should commit to. Not that I’m a fan of games, but kick your game into high gear! Always look amazing. Really try to pick your battles. Try to be unpredictable and sometimes unavailable. Give him more sex than he asks for. If he works late or has to cancel on something say, “Okay.” Show him how easy it is to be in a serious relationship with you and still live his life. That two can in fact be better than one. Don’t lie or turn into someone you’re not, just look at the relationship and him as no serious thing. In return, he will look at you seriously. Once a man has decided he can commit to you and not lose himself, when he knows you are “the one,” the chemistry in his body and mind will change, and seeing you the way you’ve always wanted him to will be inevitable. So go ahead, be the Queen of Denial.

  THE “ARE WE?”

  One morning it will all just be different. Something, some moment, will change the dynamic. It could be something he says or a look in his eye. It might be the way she sleeps or knows how to give you space when you need it. But both of you will just wonder, are we? Are we really going to do this? Be together always? Sleep only with each other? Make a family? Is this it?

  And the answer will be exactly what you both wanted. All the dating drama, little fights, getting to know each other’s quirks, insecurities, and questions will be over (at least for this phase). You will both just be. A sigh of relief will come over you and you will be on your way to what will hopefully be a beautiful future. Congrats.

  THE “WE ARE”

  And then there were two. Now that you have said good-bye to dating, worked out the relationship do’s and don’ts, and find yourself in commitment bliss, the mind starts asking the next question: Will he ask me to marry him? When? Your friends begin to wonder and you can’t help but start sending little hints to your guy. Where is his mind? Well, there are a few possibilities: (a) Not even thinking about marriage, sorry but it’s the truth; (b) thinking about it and wanting it, but thinking he still has time before he has to do it (that’s men, it’s okay, you want him to really be ready); or (c) planning the most beautiful surprise of your life and making you squirm. (We all hope for this option.)

  MY ADVICE IS SIMPLE: Don’t let other people tell you how or when it’s supposed to happen. It’s your relationship and you want it to be organic and real. Don’t push him. A man pus
hed into marriage or babies is a caged animal ready to attack. And then you will never know if he really wanted to or was just tired of hearing about it. And, most important, daydream about the moment, but remember how powerful the imagination can be. It won’t be a Julia Roberts movie because that’s not real. It won’t be a fairy tale because that’s also not real. It will just be your man asking his woman to be his wife. And it will be magical because he’s a man making a real commitment that goes beyond his instincts because you have inspired him to do so. This moment, for him, is all the romance he’s got. He has thought, planned, and sweated getting ready to do this. Let it be more perfect than a movie or something in your mind because it’s real and it’s beautiful.

  THE RING

  Oh God, I can’t even breathe when I talk about it. It’s like the world has all the sound sucked out of it and everything’s in slow motion except for your heart. As that little box opens, so do your dreams, and there it is, the Ring. There are two scenarios with this: