Memories of Us

by Fabiola Francisco

  “Can we keep this between us for now?” I don’t want her mom or sister running off to tell her. Knowing Mackenzie, she’ll think I’m being a pretentious dick and shut me out even more. All I want is to have the life we used to talk about. It may be different now, the past lingering over us and influencing our choices, but I know she’s the only one for me. Ain’t no doubt in my mind.

  “Your word is safe with me.”

  “I’ll be honest, I don’t know if she’ll move back here because of me. I’m acting on a high from the knowledge she dumped that guy, but I’m gonna try.” I need to find a way to get back to Los Angeles, even if I max out two credit cards to see her. I won’t give up, especially now that I found where she’s been hiding. We both have things to say and forgive, but my love for her runs deeper than the river we used to skip rocks on when we’d sit by that watermill for hours. And I know hers does, too, even if she says we weren’t meant to make it.

  I’ll call her bluff.

  I stay and catch up with Mr. Hill for a bit, hearing how their farm is fairing. If I didn’t love writing music so much, I’d have stayed here and worked the ranch. Despite what I told my father, I love this land and the work that comes with it. Few things compare to open space, fresh air, and dirt roads that lead to secluded meadows with your lady in the cab of your truck. The chords of a guitar and words about that life is the only thing that tops it. If I could have both, I would, but there’s no way for me to become a known songwriter if I’m not in Nashville. Being there in person with Rebel Desire has provided the opportunity I need to get my name out there.

  Although I had co-written a few tunes with other artists, no one comes close to the following and acceptance these guys have.

  “Would you like to stay for lunch?” Mrs. Hill pops into the living room with a wide smile.

  “No thanks, ma’am. I’m actually gonna go visit my momma before headin’ back. She’ll kill me if she knows I’m here and don’t see her.” I stand and smile. “I appreciate y’all lettin’ me come by. Mr. Hill, thanks for takin’ the time to see me.”

  “I’m glad ya came by. Make sure you see your pops, too. He’s been a grumpy man lately.” Mr. Hill stands and shakes my hand. “Don’t become a stranger.”

  “I won’t.” I gotta make it a point to visit more often. Stop hiding and make amends with my dad.

  “Have a nice afternoon,” I tell them as I leave, both of them seeing me to the door. This place isn’t the same without Mackenzie here. I guess she couldn’t stand the idea of being here after we broke up either.

  I drive through the familiar places on the way to my parents’ house, remembering how we raised hell when we were younger, parties in the fields, making love in the back of my old truck under a sky full of stars, swimming in the river on hot summer days after long mornings of chores around the ranch.

  We had the world at our fingertips. We had the life people envy. And I had the woman of my dreams to experience it all with me.

  WHEN I GET TO my parents’ house I see my dad talking to Rick. His back is to me but he turns when Rick waves. If looks could kill, my dad’s frustration in seeing me here does just that. It wasn’t just Mackenzie I lost. My dad and I were close until my dream of moving to Nashville started to put a wedge between us. He never thought I’d leave, and I swore I wouldn’t stay. Words were said, hurtful words, and he’s held on to the resentment ever since.

  I take a deep breath, wishing it was my momma that was outside instead of him. He glares, as if my being here troubles his day, when in reality I don’t get in his way. I open the door and walk out, heading his way to say hi. Might as well get it over with.

  “Hey, Pops. Hey, Rick.” I toss my chin up.

  “What are you doing here?” he spits.

  “I came for a visit. Won’t be in your hair, don’t worry, but thought it’d be rude if I was in town and didn’t come see y’all.” My nostrils flare at his attitude. I tried to apologize when I was down here a few weeks ago, so I don’t know why he refuses to hear it. I was pissed, too, but I’m done holding on to that anger. Not after I came back and saw him.

  “Fuck it, I’m gonna go say hi to Momma.”

  “What’d you say?” He raises his eyebrows.

  “Now you care about my words?” I jut my head. I walk away and into the house through the door on the back porch.

  “Mason, you better be coming in here with those tomatoes I asked you for,” I hear my mom call out. Chuckling, I sneak up on her as she rinses lettuce leaves.

  “You din’t ask me for no tomatoes.”

  “Oh my!” She jumps and turns around, her hand clutching her chest. “What are you doin’ here?” She slaps me with the lettuce leaf in her hand. “You scared me half to death, boy.” Then, she wraps her arms around, squeezing the air out of my lungs.

  “Momma, I can’t breathe.” I hug her back and then look down at her. “I was in the neighborhood and came by to see ya.”

  “In the neighborhood? Boy, your neighborhood is two hours away.” She peers at me, her eyes squint trying to read my mind.

  “Momma, stop doing that.” I step back and look away.

  “Why did you come? As much as I’d love to believe you wanted to surprise us, you wouldn’t.” Her frown hits me, amplifying my guilt.

  “I came to see Mr. Hill,” I confess, leaning against the kitchen wall.

  “What? How come?” She goes back to fixing lunch while I tell her about his phone call and my visit to California.

  “Is Mackenzie okay?” She turns, worry lines marking her forehead.

  “I think so. She broke up with the jerk, but she didn’t give me half a chance. All I know is that her contract with her job is up and she promised she’d return when that happened. I’m gonna go see ‘er again,” I breathe out the last part quickly.

  “Anyway, no way I could leave without comin’ by.”

  “I feel like I won the lottery seeing you twice in a month. We miss you ‘round here.” My mom smiles, sadness clear despite it.

  “You may miss me, but Pops doesn’t. He asked why I was here, and he wasn’t happy ‘bout it.” I rub the back of my neck. My apology wasn’t whole-hearted, but I did mean it when I said I was sorry.

  “Well, happy or not, you’re staying for lunch,” she says with finality.

  “I wasn’t planning on it. I don’t want to interrupt your flow.”

  “My flow?” She glares, her voice elevated. “Having you over for lunch isn’t trouble, Hunter. You’re our son, and I’m tired of you and your father being too stubborn to talk to each other. You need to apologize for what you said to him, and he needs to listen and apologize as well for his reaction.” She crosses her arms. “Now go fetch me tomatoes from the garden and tell your dad to come in for lunch.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” I smirk and walk out, picking the ripest tomatoes. I drop them off inside and go find my dad.

  I walk through the barn, saying hi to Addie and petting her before going back to my search.

  “We gotta fatten ‘em up, Mason, if we wanna chance to make a profit. Competition is stiff at the fair this year.”

  Fuck.

  “Hey, Pops, sorry to interrupt, but Momma says lunch is ready.” I look between him and Rick. I didn’t think they were having trouble. My dad’s always had the best Angus in town and one of the best in the county. High bids at the fair auction were never a worry. It was a given.

  “I’ll be right there. I need a minute to talk to Rick,” he dismisses me. I nod and walk back to the house, wondering how this happened.

  “He’ll be right in. I’ll set the table.” I grab plates and utensils, my mind wandering to how serious the situation is. Is that why my momma didn’t hire anyone to help her with the anniversary party? Why’d they even have one if the ranch is struggling?

  “When do you think you’ll go see Mackenzie again?” My mom snaps me out of my worries.

  “I don’t know.” I shrug and place the last cup by the plate setting.
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br />   “I’m sure she’ll come around,” my mom mistakes my concern for them for my situation with Mackenzie.

  “I’m sure she will. Y’all are good? You and Pops?” I sit with her at the table while we wait for my dad.

  “Of course.” She twists the dish towel in her hands.

  “Momma, you know you can tell me anything.” She looks up at me.

  “Of course.” She pats my arm and stands. “Help me put the food on the table.”

  I drop it and help her, but I’ll make sure to check-in more often.

  We sit at the table when my dad walks in, all of us quiet. Tension is thicker than the steak my momma cooked up and it’s driving me crazy. The moment I decided to apologize to my dad, my resentment broke and now I just need him to listen.

  “This is ridiculous. We’re a family.” My mom’s fork and knife clatter against her plate as she drops them and stares at us. “I can’t sit here any longer with you two still being angry at each other,” her voice cracks.

  I look at my dad, who is looking down at his plate.

  “Pops,” I call him. He chews on his steak and swallows before looking at me. “I tried to apologize, but he won’t listen,” I explain to my mom.

  “It wasn’t sincere,” he throws my way.

  “You wouldn’t look at me.”

  His head snaps up. “I’m lookin’ at ya now.” His eyebrows raise.

  “I don’t want this lunch to be ruined because of you two,” my mom warns.

  “I can leave.” Before I stand my mom places a firm hand on my arm and stops me.

  “Over my dead body,” she hisses.

  “Won’t be the first time you leave,” my dad mumbles under his breath.

  “I give up.” I stand and stare at him, my body tight with tension. “I’m sorry, okay? I was angry that night. I’d just fought with Mackenzie, breaking up and losing the baby she was carrying,” I yell, tugging my hair.

  “What?” my mom gasps.

  My body drops to the chair, my head falling into my hands. I never told them.

  “She was pregnant.” My eyes water. “So I’m sorry I said this was a piece of shit ranch with no future. I’m sorry I fucked our family up. I was pissed and confused. I was hurt. It’s no excuse for treating you the way I did, but you also weren’t supportive of my dreams. Just because I wanted to go to Nashville didn’t mean I’d abandon you.”

  “But you did.” My dad finally looks me in the eye.

  “Because I left embarrassed that I’d said those things to you. I love this land. I love this ranch almost as much as you do, and that hasn’t changed because I chased a different dream. Writing songs isn’t a joke and I don’t live a cushy life because of it. You can ask Mom what my apartment looks like. It ain’t one bit fancy, but it’s mine because of bustin’ my ass to get my name out there. I spent many nights selling at stands in concerts to make some kinda income while I received rejection letters from studios.

  “It wan’t easy, a different kinda struggle than the ranch, but I’m making a name for myself because you taught me what hard work is. You don’t think I’m thankful for those lessons? Lessons you taught me starting at a young age by workin’ beside you. So yeah, I said the wrong things and insulted you and your livelihood. I’m sorry that’s what I did, but I can’t fucking change it.” I stand and walk out into the porch.

  My body shakes as I stare at the ball of fire in the sky, Addie’s neigh heard from here. I walk out to her, wanting to spend as much time with her as possible. I miss her. She was mine before I ditched her.

  “My life’s a mess, girl. I let Pops down, broke the only girl I’ve ever loved, and destroyed my family. What’s the point of accomplishing a dream if there ain’t no one to share it with?” My throat is hoarse as I speak to the only being that hasn’t judged me. I drop my head onto hers and soak her coat with tears.

  “Son.”

  I wipe my face and lift my head to find my dad standing at the entrance of the barn, hands in pockets.

  “Yeah?” I croak.

  “I’m sorry, too. It wasn’t fair to punish you with my silence for so many years. I’m the older and supposedly wiser one, I shoulda reached out. Not let this strife drag for so long.”

  “It’s okay,” I say flatly.

  “It’s not. We’ve both missed ya around ‘ere. It’s been hard losing you, and I am proud, regardless of my stubborn ass not talkin’ to ya. It may not’ve been the way I envisioned things workin’ out; I always thought you’d inherit this place and keep it goin’.”

  “I love this place, but I had other goals. Doesn’t mean I don’t care about it. I overheard you talkin’ to Rick. What’s goin’ on with the cattle?” I move away from Addie and walk toward my dad, ready to listen.

  “Just not a good year. It happens sometimes,” he shrugs.

  “How bad is it?” I know it’s more than he’s playing it off to be.

  “We’ve invested a lot and this place don’t run for free. Compared to others, we won’t have the highest bid this year unless somethin’ changes. We have a couple months before the fair, but we’re behind.”

  “So let’s fix that,” I offer. I can come on some weekends and help him if he needs it.

  “Rick’s workin’ on it. You know I do it all natural, so I’m not gonna give these animals hormones and go against my beliefs.” He looks around the barn, as if imagining what his life would be like without it.

  “Dad, I can help some weekends.” He shakes his head. “Don’t be stubborn. I love you and Momma. I didn’t leave because I didn’t care.”

  “Mackenzie was pregnant?” He changes the subject.

  “I don’t wanna talk ‘bout it.” I shake my head, dead set on not going there right now.

  “You coulda told us.”

  “It was a shit show. That’s why I snapped at you that night. It was too much, and you were givin’ me shit about movin’ to Nashville. I cracked. I couldn’t please everyone anymore.” I run a hand through my hair. My breath comes in fast, memories crashing down.

  “Let’s just make things right, son.” My dad reaches his hand out and I stare at it. I shake it, nodding. Then, my dad pulls my arm to hug me. “I’m glad you’re back,” he whispers, the return he speaks of more than just me stepping on this land.

  We walk back inside, my mom still sitting in the same spot, waiting for us. She smiles slowly when she sees us walking in, talking and laughing.

  “Finally,” she sighs and hugs us, tears falling down her face. “Finally.” She chokes on her words, holding us both tight. I wrap an arm around her and soothe her.

  “Now, let’s have dessert. I’ve got ice cream in the freezer.

  “Perfect,” I grin. We may still have a ways to go, but Pops and I talking is the beginning of making amends.

  I stop by the watermill after leaving my parents’ house later than planned. I promised to return in a couple weeks when I get a break. First, I need to go back to California for my lady. I sit on the steps leading up to the mill house, the rushing water drowning out all other noise. I bring out my leather journal and begin writing on the next blank page—a collection of all my days without her.

  Instead I return to the watermill

  I gave you my heart

  And wonder how I could’ve

  Thrown it all,

  These words aren’t enough

  To bring you back

  I look at the motionless wheel that was once pushed by water so it could fulfill a job. All the mechanisms working together with the power of nature. Mackenzie and I would sit here for hours just talking, or sometimes in silence, and we watched the unmoving mill. It may not have been in use for years, but there was something about this place that drew us both in. Maybe it was because this place was ours. We didn’t have family and friends shadowing over us, or responsibilities reminding us we had things to do.

  We’d sit here and talk. I’d hold her hand as I told her about basketball practice and she would share the latest scho
ol gossip. We were two teens that grew into young adults while still holding on to each other.

  Then she’d tell me all about her classes at the University of Alabama and I’d tell her how the ranch was doing. We’d express stress, worries, joy, but most of all we loved. We loved hard and strong. It was her soul and mine, exposed to each other. That’s why I don’t believe her when she says we weren’t meant to last.

  My mind switches gears to my dad and the ranch. I didn’t expect today to turn out the way it did. I’m glad we talked. I know we’ll still have our differences, but at one point my dad was my hero. In a way, he still is.

  With nothing else to do, I stand to leave. I throw one final rock into the river and watch it drown until I turn and stalk back to my truck. Staying at my parents’ house is sounding better now, but I told them I had to get back to Nashville. I gotta make up for the days I wasn’t all there working with Rebel Desire.

  I make one last stop at Margie’s Bakery. The same tin decor adorns the white walls and the smell of sweets hits me. This place is a staple in this town.

  “Hello, how can I… Well, if it isn’t our local celebrity.” I smile, shaking my head and looking down before greeting Margie.

  “Hey, no celebrity talk.” Margie has had her bakery open for years in this town. It was her momma’s before that. She always pleased us kids when we’d stumble in here without enough change to buy a slice of her famous pecan pie.

  “It’s good to see ya, boy,” she grins, her brown eyes lighting up. “What can I get ya?”

  “A slice of pecan pie if you have any left.” I hope she’s got some left after the Saturday rush. Some weekends it was impossible for her to keep them stocked.

  “You’re in luck. I have a couple slices.”

  “I’ll take both, then.” I turn and look around. “Good to see this place is still the same.”

  “With how quick the world changes, I like keepin’ this place filled with good memories. How are you doin’?” Margie eyes me with small eyes when I turn around to face her.