Memories of Us

by Fabiola Francisco

  “Not when it counted,” I rebuke.

  “One time,” he holds his pointer finger up. “And I’ve lived with that regret. I already told you when I saw you in LA. I’m glad you’re back. Maybe being here will knock some sense into where you belong. I gotta go,” he turns sharply. Before he climbs into his truck he says, “You’re welcome, for the pie.” As he drives away I notice the stack of feed in the bed of his truck.

  I don’t notice the town people watching until we end our heated conversation, and he’s driven away.

  “Pie? He’s the one who sent it?” Tiffany’s eyebrows shoot up. I nod and look around.

  “Can we go back home, please?” I grab her arm and lead her to the car.

  The entire drive home I’m silent, thinking about Hunter’s words. He knew Justin and I broke up.

  “Did you tell Hunter I broke up with Justin?” I shift to look at Tiffany.

  “No. Daddy did. He came to see him after he returned from California. I wasn’t home, but Mom told me.”

  “So he’s known?” And hasn’t contacted me. Whoa. I shouldn’t be thinking that. I rub my eyes and sigh.

  “We should go out tonight. Just for a couple drinks at Bricks. It’s a lot cooler than it used to be, promise.”

  I chuckle. “I don’t know. What if Hunter’s there?” I bite the inside of my cheek.

  “So? You don’t have to interact. You’re spending time with me, and sister time is sacred.” She shakes her head as if this were obvious information.

  “And if we run into other people I was friends with?”

  “You say hi and move along. No need to spend hours talkin’ to them.”

  “Fine, that way we can talk about your love life,” I tease.

  “Ugh,” Tiffany groans. “I’m young. Leave my love life alone,” she throws her head back before focusing on the road again.

  It might be nice to go out and see some familiar faces. It’s weird being back. Insecurity makes me feel like everyone is talking about me, but I could just be going crazy. It could be because they had already seen Hunter in town. Whatever the reason, I want to enjoy my week here and people speculating comes with the territory. I can accept it or stay locked in the house for seven days, hiding. That’s no way of moving forward in life.

  “We’ll go to Bricks.” Tiffany smiles widely, doing a happy dance in her seat.

  I SIT AT A round table waiting for Jack and Julie to arrive while I drink the cold beer straight out of the bottle. The table rocks back and forth on uneven legs as I lean on it, driving me crazy. After almost tipping my beer, I grab a wad of napkins from the table and fold them. I lean under the table, squeezing the paper under one of the legs. I sit up, shaking it with a cocky grin when it doesn’t budge. Leaning back on the chair, I cross one of my arms and sip my beer.

  I was fucking surprised when I saw Mackenzie here today, just standing outside as if she never left. But we both know she did. I wanted to reach out to her, feel her skin, kiss her. Her scent was intoxicating when I did approach her, sweet like honey. She tastes just as sweet. My chest expands with each breath as I remember how it was to be with her.

  Fuck.

  I shift and look around the bar, widening my legs and sitting straighter. I can show up at her place tomorrow, not leave until she agrees to see me, but I have a feeling that won’t be as effective as it was when we were younger. Before we broke each other’s hearts. It was my fault, though. I was the tip of the iceberg that caused a tidal wave of pain in our lives.

  As much as I’ve wanted to jump on a plane and go to her, the last three weeks have been hectic. When my pops called, asking for help, I couldn’t say no. We’ve also been working nonstop on the album, some weekends included. It’s kept my mind busy, but I craved to see her. Show up and prove to her that I meant what I said. I’m not letting her go again. I’m not letting her walk out, no matter how much she assures me she needs time.

  “Hey,” I feel a hand clasp down on my shoulder. I jump, startled. “Did I scare ya?” Jack chuckles. “Wuss.”

  “Fuck you. I was just thinkin’ and didn’t expect it. Where’s Julie?” I look at him.

  “She had to run to the bathroom.” Jack sits next to me. “It’s good seein’ ya here. How you been?”

  “Good.” I place my now empty beer on the table. “Helpin’ my pops.”

  “Glad y’all worked things out.” Jack signals the bartender for three beers. “How’s work?”

  “Busy. Was just thinkin’ ‘bout all we have to do. They’re finally startin’ to record some of the songs, and it’s been cool to witness the whole process.” I lean forward and feel the table shake again. “Fuck. I thought I fixed it.” Jack laughs and takes the beers the bartender drops off.

  “Thanks, Frank.” He hands me one and I hold it up to him.

  “Cheers.” We both take a drink, silent.

  “Does it make you wish you were recordin’?” I shrug, considering his question. That was my ultimate dream—write and sing my songs, perform for an audience, but the real audience I wanted on the sidelines, watching me, was long gone.

  “I’m not sure. A lot has changed since I had that dream, and I do love the writin’.” I don’t need to explain to Jack. He knows what it was like to lose Mackenzie. He got plenty of drunken calls from me crying about her and accusing him that he was hiding where she was from me.

  “Hey, Hunter,” Julie says as she takes a seat next to Jack. “How are you?”

  “Good and you?”

  “Good. Glad to be out of the house for a bit. This guy has me locked at the farm, planting crops.” She smiles at Jack despite what she said. She loves helping him, so she can’t fool me.

  “Enjoy it, pretty soon he’s gonna have you pregnant,” I joke but my eyes drop.

  “Chill,” Jack holds his hand at me. “We’re still young. All in due time.” Julie giggles next to him.

  It feels good to be sitting here with my friends, drinking and talking about our lives and our jobs. Some locals come up to say hi, making small talk before they go on their merry way. Even if I haven’t been here in three years, people still treat me like one of them. Some days I miss the community of a small town and shooting the shit with my friends after a long day of working outdoors in the fields and with the animals.

  “When are you going back to Los Angeles?” Jack raises his eyebrows.

  Before I can respond, Julie gasps. “He may not need to.” She tosses her chin forward, Jack’s eyes lighting up.

  I turn around, my eyes finding her long hair and bronze skin. As if sensing me, she turns, and her blues eyes widen when they catch mine. I give her a tight smirk and watch her walk next to Tiffany until they’re sitting at a table on the other side of the bar, her back to me.

  I face Jack and Julie again, blowing air out of my mouth. “I ran into her earlier today. It didn’t go well.” My gaze drops to the napkin I’m tearing apart on the table.

  “When did she get here?” Julie leans forward on her elbows.

  “I’m not sure. Recently, I think. She’s just visitin’. I asked if we could do somethin’, but she turned me down.” The beer cools my insides but knowing she’s just feet away from me kicks my heart into overdrive, like the excitement I feel when I ride Addie.

  “I’m gonna go say hi to her,” Julie stands.

  “Come on, Jules,” I groan.

  “What? She was my friend.” I watch Julie walk toward Mackenzie’s table.

  “Can’t you control your wife?” I stare at Jack.

  “Yeah, right. Only in—”

  I lift my hand in a second. “Forget I asked.” Jack laughs and shakes his head.

  “I should go say hi, too, but I won’t leave you alone here.”

  “You can go,” I tell him. “I’m used to sittin’ alone in bars.” I stare into my beer bottle. When I hear laughing, I turn to see Julie hugging Mackenzie. She points back at us and Mackenzie waves at Jack. Fucking great, my best friends get attention from her, but I re
ceive a scowl or nothing at all. I don’t miss the looks between us from some of the people at the bar. Bricks is the most popular bar in town, so we have an audience.

  “Y’all want another round?” Frank asks us.

  “Sure,” Jack answers.

  “Might as well,” I add.

  Frank chuckles and slaps my back. “Why don’t you sing us somethin’ like when you were younger? Always got the crowd goin’.”

  “Nah, man. I don’t sing anymore.” I shake my head.

  “Come on. Just one.” He tilts his head and holds up a finger. “No one else who sings here has ever been as good as you.”

  “Frank,” I warn.

  “Who wants to hear Hunter sing?” he calls out to the patrons.

  “Motherfucker,” I mutter.

  People start cheering and I shake my head. “Ain’t gonna happen. I retired my microphone three years ago.”

  “Come on,” I hear someone call out. I shake my head, avoiding contact with everyone and chug my beer. They start to cheer, calling my name and I look at Jack.

  “Seems as if you don’t have a choice,” he says.

  “I don’t have a guitar.” I use as an excuse.

  “We got one in the back room,” Frank smiles.

  “Motherfucker, Frank. Can’t you just leave it alone?” I grow rigid.

  “These folks wanna hear ya.” I roll my eyes and stand, catching Mackenzie’s eyes on me, her lips parted. I shake my head and walk to the microphone. I first sang in this bar thanks to her. It was my first time letting the town know I had a talent besides raising animals and hell. I am where I am today because of my personal cheerleader. Now she’s here but she feels like she’s miles away.

  “One song,” I say tight-lipped. I grab the guitar another bartender hands me and sit on the stool, adjusting the microphone.

  I tap it, making sure it works and strum the chords I taught myself to play when I was a kid. I keep my gaze down, staring at the weave of the microphone as I begin singing.

  Since you left,

  I’ve been sleep walkin’

  My life away

  With no direction

  And no purpose

  Time means nothin’

  Without you by my side,

  Wastin’ away

  In tequila and lime

  I ne’er meant to hurt you,

  I didn’t want to break you,

  But I made mistakes

  That took you far away

  Time means nothin’

  Without you by my side,

  Wastin’ away

  In tequila and lime

  I never forgot

  The way we loved,

  And how your heart

  Beat with mine

  Time means nothin’

  Without you by my side,

  Wastin’ away

  In tequila and lime

  Wastin’ away

  Without you, babe

  I look up and stare at Mackenzie’s beautiful face halfway through the song, holding her stare so she feels each ounce of pain in the raw words my voice sings to her.

  She looks away first, her body shaking with a deep breath as she blinks quickly. She chugs the contents of her glass. Everyone else oblivious to our exchange, too caught up in the song and my voice, as they burst out in claps and cheers. I nod once and lean the guitar against the wall next to me.

  Before I can stand and walk to my seat, I see a guy approach Mackenzie. She smiles, wide and free. I hear him ask her if she wants a drink. I freeze. Sean went to high school with us. He was the forward in my basketball team. As much as I liked the guy, I won’t let him make a move on my lady.

  “Over my dead body.” I don’t realize the microphone is still on. Everyone turns to look at me, including Sean.

  “Oh, hey, Hunter. My bad, I didn’t know y’all were back together.” He takes a step back from Mackenzie.

  “We’re not,” she speaks up. I glare at Mackenzie, frozen in my spot.

  “I don’t want any trouble,” Sean puts his hands up, looking between us.

  “We’re not together and never will be,” Mackenzie talks directly to me. “I’d love that drink,” she smiles at Sean.

  “Fuck.” I slam the wall where I had just placed the guitar, the word echoing from the microphone through the speakers.

  “Hey!” Frank warns.

  “Sorry. Leavin’.” I hold my hands up and walk away, leaving a trail of eyes on my back. I drop a twenty on the bar on my way out. It’s one thing to know she was dating a douche. It’s another to witness her accept a drink from a good guy.

  I reach my truck across the street and kick the front tire repeatedly. My fist crashes with the hood as I refrain from yelling. Frustration fills me. She won’t even give me a chance. She won’t give me two minutes to talk. I didn’t get to say half of what I needed to when I visited her. Now she’s rubbing it in my face how available she is to everyone else but me.

  “Hunter,” Jack calls. “Stop.” I listen, dropping my foot until my boot hits the asphalt and my body collapses.

  “Fuck, you can’t burst like that. That ain’t gonna win ‘er back.” He reaches my truck.

  “I had just spilled every ounce of emotion to her in a song and she does that shit.” I point back to Bricks. “It’s bullshit and you know it.”

  “It is, but that won’t prove to her you’ve matured.”

  “Crap.” I tug my hair, surprised I don’t rip it out. “Where’s Julie?”

  “She was paying and comin’ out.”

  “Damn, y’all don’t gotta leave ‘cause I’m an ass.” I shake my head. I didn’t want to ruin their night.

  “It’s okay. We had fun and now it’s time to go home.” He gives me a pointed look.

  “Trust me. I ain’t going back in there.”

  Julie reaches us with a sad smile. “For what it’s worth, that song got to her.” She tilts her head. “I saw the way she was looking at you with tears in her eyes. She felt every word. That was brave.”

  “And she still played with me by flirtin’ with Sean.” I squeeze my fists by my side.

  “It’s a defensive response,” Julie explains.

  “Whatever. I’m out.” I unlock my truck and get in, ready to end the night before I drive myself crazy with thoughts of Mackenzie with someone else. Again.

  I SCRUB MY EYES and stretch my legs. I cringe at my sore muscles. It’s been a while since I’ve worked for hours around the ranch. Or that I’ve tensed up so much in a night.

  Glimpses of last night at Bricks flash before my closed eyes. Mackenzie. The song. Her flirting with Sean. It hurt the most that she did that after I tore my heart open for her and let it bleed with every emotion I could muster. In front of everyone. My arm falls over my eyes, hoping that will undo the scene I caused last night. I know everyone will be talking about it today.

  I put on my jeans and long-sleeve tee shirt and walk downstairs for coffee. I could use a ride today with Addie before I leave tonight. I thought about staying until tomorrow morning, in hopes that I could spend some time with Mackenzie, but she was crystal clear last night that she’s got no business left with me.

  “Morning, sunshine.”

  “Hey, Momma,” I kiss her cheek and fill a mug with the bitter liquid that will wake me up. “You goin’ to Sunday service?”

  “Yes. Do you wanna come?” Her eyes light up, but I shake my head, instantly dimming them.

  “Sorry, but you know that’s not my thing anymore.” There was a time I’d go to pray every Sunday, but those days are long gone. I’ve got my faith, but I don’t practice it like the church-goers. God and I have a different relationship these days, mostly me begging for forgiveness for drinking too much on some nights and breaking Mackenzie’s heart.

  “Okay,” she deflates.

  “I’ll still be here when you get back.” I hug her with one arm and sit at the table.

  “Darlin’, we better get goin’ or we’re gonna be late,” my da
d calls out from the front door.

  “Be right there,” she hollers back. “You’ll still be here?” She looks up at me.

  “Promise. Gonna go on a ride with Addie.”

  “That’s nice,” she smiles. “Enjoy and we’ll be back soon.” I wave at her as she leaves and drink the black coffee, fully waking up.

  I rinse the mug when I’m done and run up the stairs to grab my journal and pen. I grab my cowboy hat from the hook next to my closet and go back down, slipping on my boots that are on the back porch.

  I open the tack room in the barn and grab Addie’s saddle and bridle. Riding her was always peaceful. She’s been my girl since I claimed her fifteen years ago as a foal. It was instant love. Almost like when I first met Mackenzie.

  Addie has been with me through all my teen years and early twenties. She’s still here, holding on strong after I disappeared on her.

  I approach her stable, opening the gate and slipping in, caressing her coat before saddling her up. Her head bobs up at me and I pause, letting her get used to the saddle. It’s been a long time since I’ve ridden her. Her eyes pierce through me.

  “I fucked up last night, again,” I confess my sins to her. “Could use some time with ya.”

  She nickers, and I smile. “Let’s go, girl.”

  Once she’s ready, I walk her out of the stable and barn, my black hat shielding my face from the morning sun. There’s a chill in the air, but I don’t bother grabbing a jacket. Pushing my body up with the help of the stirrup, I settle on Addie and begin guiding her through our land and into the trees that line the back.

  Addie takes her time trotting through the uneven terrain. I inhale pine and exhale the calmness this place always brings me. I used to love riding with Mackenzie, racing through this land until we’d reach the river. Our competitive nature would shine, but I’d always let her win. It was worth seeing her body sway with excitement when she’d dismount.