Memories of Us

by Fabiola Francisco

Following her directions, I park in front of a cafe with the name in big red letters—Bites Cafe. It has a hipster vibe even from out here, but I trust her judgment.

  We step into the restaurant, a combination of white walls and exposed brick. Wooden tables framed by red, metal chairs. There are already some people sitting and eating, the chatter of a Saturday morning bouncing off the tin ceiling.

  “A table for two,” Mackenzie tells the hostess. This place isn’t too different from some of the places we have in Nashville, but the people sure are a contrast.

  Once we take a seat, Mackenzie studies me with small eyes. “You’re makin’ me uncomfortable starin’ at me like that.”

  She shrugs unapologetically. “It’s weird to see you here.”

  “This may not be my kinda place, but it’s where you are.” I take another look around, shifting in my chair.

  “It’s not that bad. LA has some good things. It’s different than home, but you’d be surprised by the mountains out here. Hiking is fun.” Mackenzie relaxes, and it surprises me to see her talk to me with such ease after her resistance the last time we saw each other. Maybe she also had time to process everything we hashed out at the watermill.

  “But nothing like the backroads in Springville.”

  She shakes her head. “Nothing beats those.” She looks down at the menu, adding, “Their egg and chorizo skillet is delicious.”

  I look down at my own menu, spotting the dish she mentioned.

  “It also has potatoes,” she adds.

  I nod, reading the details. “Sounds good.”

  The waitress comes by a few seconds later, dropping water glasses and taking our coffee and breakfast order. Instead of ordering the skillet like I thought she would, Mackenzie gets French toast.

  I lean forward, placing my elbows on the table, my manners aside. “God, I miss you,” I confess.

  Mackenzie eyes me, taking a sip of water. “I need coffee for this conversation.”

  I’ve been patient all this time, a few more minutes won’t kill me.

  “Did you have fun in Springville?” I change the direction of our conversation to safer topics.

  “Yeah,” she smiles. “I didn’t realize how much I missed it. How much I missed the ranch and my family. Even though I see them a few times a year, it was different this time.”

  “I know the feelin’. I hadn’t been back until recently. My pops and I had a fallin’ out after…” I clear my throat. “Before I moved. We hadn’t talked in three years. I went back for their anniversary party because my mom begged me, but my dad and I barely spoke.”

  “I heard somethin’ about that. You’re helpin’ him now, though.” Her fingers swipe up her water glass, chasing the falling condensation.

  I nod. “Yeah. I went back to town after I came to see you. I couldn’t leave without seein’ my momma, so I passed by. Long story short, I lost my shit, confessed what happened between us, and stormed out. My pops followed me, and we talked it out. He understood better after hearin’ what we had gone through.”

  “So they know?” Her eyes widen.

  I nod. “Yeah, sorry. It just came out in a heated moment.”

  “My parents don’t know,” her eyes well with tears.

  “They won’t tell a soul. I promise. I made it clear it was an untouchable topic.” I lift my hand to hold hers gripping the coffee mug but stop midway. She eyes my movements without saying a word.

  “How did we get here?” she whispers.

  “Because I was a thoughtless idiot,” I state. “Been paying for it ever since.”

  “We got it so wrong.” She bites her upper lip. “I never thought you’d hurt me like that.”

  My eyes shut as I inhale sharply. “It was never my intention. You gotta know that.”

  “I want to believe that, but…” she sighs. “You left without me.”

  “You said you couldn’t see me anymore. You said you hated me. You stopped lovin’ me that night. I needed to get out. I couldn’t stay another night there surrounded by everything that represented us. I called you, but you never answered. I had to escape it all—you, the miscarriage, my pops, my failure.” I quiet when the waitress drops our plates. “I spent nights drinking away the reality that I had lost the love of my life because of my selfishness. Nashville lost its appeal and I almost moved back after a month, until I remembered I didn’t have a home to return to. I fucked it all up. That’s when I clung on to the only thing I had left of you, my music,” I whisper across the table, my breakfast long forgotten.

  Mackenzie tilts her head and stares into my eyes, her blue shining with emotion. “At that moment, I hated you. I was so disappointed, and I couldn’t look past that.”

  “And now?” I dare ask.

  “I don’t know what I feel. I’m… I was hurt. I also wanted to escape, so I did. I had received my acceptance letter to Teach with Heart, but it wasn’t in Nashville like I had hoped. I guess God has a funny way of knowing what we need before we do. I wasn’t going to accept Los Angeles, but I did as soon as we broke up.”

  “I came back for you, ya know? It was the only time I returned. My parents don’t even know. I was too late, though. Jack told me you had left one day, but he had no idea where. I’d been going crazy looking for you. Trying to reach you any way I can.”

  “You came back?” Her eyebrows scrunch.

  “Yeah,” my lips flatten. “But it was too late. Come to think of it, it was too late when I walked away from you that night. I never should’ve left you like that, broken and angry, but I can’t change that. All I can do is prove to you how much I regret it. Prove to you I’m still the man you once loved.” I let it all out. Heart on the table for her to break or mend.

  “I can’t make any promises right now.” Her eyes move down, her lashes brushing her cheeks.

  “Give me this weekend. If by the time I leave on Monday morning, you’re sure we have no future, I’ll back off. All I want is for you to be happy, even if it means risking my own happiness.”

  “Hunter,” her voice is soft. “Do you really think it’s possible to be happy together after all this time?”

  “I really do.” I nod with confidence. “Let’s get outta here. Show me those hiking trails.” I hope having some kinda plan that isn’t rehashing the past will work in our favor. Digging up the pain will never let the wound heal.

  Mackenzie hesitates before agreeing. I pay for our breakfast, half of our plates still full of food, and leave.

  We make a quick stop at Mackenzie’s apartment so she can change into sneakers and head out to the dry mountains in this area.

  I KEEP LOOKING OVER at Hunter as we climb the mountain, following the trail that leads to the view of the city below us. Thankfully, my sunglasses block my eyes as I gaze at his body next to me. He fills his clothes a bit more, his arms more toned than they used to be. Three years has made a difference on him. But not on my heart or feelings about him. He still kicks my heart rate into overdrive.

  We’ve been mostly quiet as we hike, giving me time to process what we spoke about at breakfast.

  I knew his coming wouldn’t be a breeze. I knew we’d have to bring up what happened again, even if we both cried and yelled two weeks ago at our spot in the watermill. In the last two weeks, I’ve had time to digest it all. I’m grateful he gave me that time before showing up. I knew to expect him. When Hunter promises something, he follows through.

  “Are you outta shape?” I laugh when he pauses, catching his breath.

  “No, but the air is drier out here.”

  “Gotta keep up.” I continue walking. I could use some space between us. It’s so easy to fall back into what we had and who we were, but we are different people now. If we work things out, it won’t be the same as it was. We’re older, more mature, and have lived new and different experiences apart.

  Hunter catches up effortlessly, keeping my pace. The dust of the trail lifts around our feet with each step. My heart pounds in my chest when his hand rea
ches for mine, fingers lacing. I don’t pull away, allowing myself to get consumed by his touch. Get lost in the truth that I am still in love with him.

  When we reach the top of the mountain, we stare out at the city in silence.

  “Okay, it is beautiful,” Hunter squeezes my fingers. The city lies below us, spread out like a concrete blanket. In the far distance a peek of the Pacific blankets the earth.

  “It’s different than we’re used to, but it looks more peaceful from up here,” he adds.

  “Yeah. I love coming up here when I have time.” Living in a big city like LA, this view has provided solace when the world was too much for me to carry.

  “Do you hike alone?” He turns to face me.

  “Yeah. Sometimes with Chelle. A lot of people run these trails.”

  “Cool.”

  I release his hand and move closer to the edge of the cliff. Looking at the city from here gives me a different perspective. It always has, but after my trip to Springville and impending decision, leaving this place doesn’t look so scary. It could have a lot to do with the man standing next to me, his gaze hot on my face instead of the panoramic view.

  “What are you thinking about?” he asks.

  “I don’t know. So many things.” I shake my head slightly, mind wandering.

  “Talk to me, Kenzie,” he pleads. I take a step back from the edge and lean against a tree. I look at Hunter’s brown eyes and frown.

  “This has been my home for three years. I’ve gotten used to it, although I never loved it like I do Alabama. However, I made a life here, have a job I adore with kids that mean more to me than I ever thought possible. Now, all of that is ending. I don’t know what to do. To add to that, you show up, begging for another chance,” I open up, laying it all out like the vast city.

  Hunter takes a step toward me, leaving enough space I can breathe my own air. “Kenzie, you gotta do what makes you happy. I want to be with you. That’s no secret, but if this life is really what you want, we’ll make it work.” His eyes crinkle.

  I shake my head. “Truth is, this isn’t my ideal life. If I could move the school down south, I’d be living my dream.” I’ve always been able to open up to Hunter, even now when we have obstacles blocking our path.

  “You’ll be able to make a difference anywhere. You’ll find other students you’ll impact and care about as much if you want to move back.”

  “I hate that we got off course,” I confess, sliding down the tree and landing on the ground, my legs tucked into me. My eyes prickle with tears.

  Hunter squats down in front of me. “Me, too.” He closes his eyes, pain sketched on his face.

  “How do we move forward?”

  His eyes move up slowly, finding mine. “Day by day, but we gotta start with forgiveness. Forgive me for what I said and did. Forgive you for hiding from me, because I was so angry even if I didn’t deserve to be. Forgive myself for leaving you to grieve our baby alone. We can only start with forgiveness, Mackenzie. The rest will flow. Can you forgive me?”

  My eyes are intense on his, the question weighing heavy between us. I shrug. “I want to.”

  “That’s a start.” Hunter stands, stretching his legs with his back to me.

  “I really do, Hunter,” I want to make the disappointment he’s emitting disappear, but I also have to be honest with him and myself.

  “I know it won’t be easy. Maybe we can start by unblocking my number, so we can talk. At least that. Open up to me.” His back is still facing me.

  “Okay.” I want to stay angry forever, hate him for an eternity, but what good would that do?

  He slowly turns around. “Come to Nashville next weekend. I’ll pay for your flight. You can stay at my place. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

  “I can’t. Not yet.” I need to make my decision without the influence of Nashville and Hunter. I need to do it for me.

  “When you’re ready.” The smirk softens his face.

  Grateful for his patience, I stand and smile. “Thanks.”

  “You’re my number one, Mackenzie. Always have been, even if I didn’t show you.” I take in his words. Everything about him has a piece of who he was when we were together.

  “Ready to head back?” I ask him.

  “Yeah.”

  We make our trek back down the mountain, letting the wind sweep my uncertainties away.

  “Do you have plans tonight?” Hunter asks when we’re about halfway to the car.

  “No.” I keep mostly to myself unless Chelle convinces me to go out. With Justin, we stayed in more or went to outings with his friends.

  “Want to go to dinner? I want to take a nap, but I can pick you up and we can go somewhere.” He pauses, holding his breath.

  “Yeah, maybe.” If I’m going to try my hand at forgiveness, I need to be open. I can’t keep punishing Hunter and myself for our past. In the words of my daddy, in order to have light in our lives, we must forgive those that hurt us the way Jesus forgives us.

  “Awesome,” his faces lights up.

  Memories of the first time Hunter asked me out on a date come crashing down.

  We had just started high school and he had been trying to get my attention more than ever. I played it off, but he was never good at hiding his feelings for me. Neither was I, I guess. There was always an unspoken connection neither of us dared to reach out for.

  Then, one day he just came up to me after basketball practice. I was packing up after cheerleading and he casually asked me if I was free Friday night. I smiled and nodded. Everything changed between us that moment, both of us giving in to what everyone else around us already knew.

  It didn’t take long for me to fall in love with him. I think I was already a little in love with him before we started dating, but that love grew the more serious we became. The more intimacy we shared.

  He was my everything. It felt wrong giving myself to someone else, and I felt guilty the first time Justin and I had sex. It was terrible. I can’t fully blame him, though. I wasn’t invested. I was searching to find what I had with Hunter with someone else. Replace him. It was impossible, especially when Justin started acting like a douche.

  “I can look up places to eat at, unless you want to go somewhere specific.” Hunter brings me back to the present.

  “Yeah, that’s okay,” I reply absentmindedly, my thoughts still lingering between the past and present.

  “Thanks, Kenzie.”

  “For?” I look up at him.

  “For this.” He waves his hand between us. “I don’t deserve you, but you have no idea how happy it makes me that you’re at least willing to try.”

  I bite down. “I’m just trying to find my way.” I didn’t realize how lost I was until my dad drove up to our ranch two weeks ago and I felt a wave of peace I hadn’t felt in a long time.

  He nods, his face serious, as if he’s also been wandering without direction. Maybe we each hold the compass the other has been missing all this time. Maybe we can meet again, our paths merging until we’re walking side by side in the same direction. Maybe I can forgive him and myself for losing that baby. Maybe all these maybes can become certainties, and my doubt and fear will be replaced with the future I always dreamed of.

  I watch Hunter as he takes in the crowd. His eyes wander from couples to groups of friends, observing every detail. His lips purse as he scans the restaurant. White washed brick holds the structure and one chalk wall behind the bar has their cocktails listed. I shift my body on the booth seating, Hunter sitting across from me in an industrial, metal chair.

  “The app I used to find this place had good reviews.” His eyes land back on me.

  “It is a good place,” I reassure him. I told him so when he picked me up and told me where we were going. “Their cocktails are good.”

  Hunter smirks and leans forward. “What ya gonna drink?” His eyes twinkle.

  I browse the chalk wall by the bar, squinting my eyes. “I may go for a Kentucky Mule. How about you?” />
  “A beer.”

  “You always did like your cold brews.”

  “What can I say? I’m a simple man.” He shrugs.

  I smile at his words. He is a simple man. I still can’t believe I’m sitting across from him, in a restaurant in Los Angeles, on a date. After our hike this morning, I spent the afternoon sorting through my feelings. I took a long bath and just exhaled the anger and resentment. I questioned what was the worst that could happen if I gave Hunter another chance. Ultimately, he could finish shattering my heart. He holds the power when it comes to it.

  Or he could mend it.

  The only thing that’s certain is that I have always loved him. When I sit with him here, all I can see are spurts of what we’ve shared. Quiet nights, just the two of us and his guitar. Rowdy parties out in the fields, a bonfire lighting the space. There was always a space that was dark enough for us to get a little caught up in each other and forget the rest.

  I shiver at the memory.

  “Are you cold?” He raises his eyebrows.

  “No, just a shiver.” I tuck my lips into my mouth and bite down, heat landing on my neck.

  Thankfully, the waitress comes to take our drink order at that moment to pull Hunter’s intense gaze from me.

  “How do you like Nashville?” I’ve been curious about his life there for so long, wondering if it’s everything he’s dreamed of.

  Hunter shrugs. “I love working with Rebel Desire. I love the opportunities I’ve gotten, and I’ve met some great people.”

  “But?” I know him better that to think there isn’t an underlying hesitation.

  “It didn’t play out exactly like I imagined. I think no matter where I would’ve gone, I’d feel the same. My plans included you, and you weren’t there to share them with.”

  “You’ve accomplished your dream, though. Well, one of them. You never got on stage and sang?” I ask for confirmation on something I already know.

  He shakes his head. “You weren’t there to sing to. Without you, everything else fell flat. Sure, I got a job writing songs after a couple years of working my ass off, but the people I cared most about were no longer in my life.”