Forever Our Virgin

by Frankie Love

  “We are in no rush,” she says. “Island time.” She smiles again, that warm, sand-in-my-toes smile. A smile that says maybe everything is going to be okay.

  “I just don’t know if I am cut out to be a mother,” I admit.

  “So, is it the pressure of your relationship with all those men?”

  “God, no,” I say vehemently. “Not at all. I love them. They’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

  “Then what is it, Chloe? I know we just met, but I’m a medical professional. What you say is safe with me.”

  “I’m mostly scared that I won’t be a good mom. That I’ll let the men I love down because I’m not cut out to be a mother.”

  I look up at Dr. Brown, surprised by my own confession. I usually hold my cards close to me with people I don’t know, but maybe it’s been a growing need for a while–– this admission of how I feel.

  “And have you spoke about this with your, er, men?” she asks tactfully.

  “No,” I say. Shaking my head, I add, “How exactly am I supposed to tell the men I love most in this world that I don’t know if I want their child?”

  I bite my bottom lip, struggling with how to say more, but the need to keep talking claws its way up my throat, forcing me to spill the beans. “I’m scared if they knew how I feel, they would reject me. And I can’t lose what we have. It’s the best thing I’ve ever had in my entire life.”

  “Do you want to tell me more about that? Why do you feel they are the best thing that has ever happened to you? Surely other good things have happened to you. I see here in your chart that you’re twenty-three years old.”

  “I didn’t exactly have a storybook upbringing.”

  “Well, Chloe, it might surprise you to know, but most people don’t.”

  “No, mine was worse. My mom abandoned me when I was little. I spent my childhood being tossed around foster homes. I never had anyone I could count on, depend on. I certainly never had a family.”

  “I see. And these men, they offer you a family?”

  I close my eyes thinking about all the memories I share with Mason, Noah, Enzo, and Ethan. It is more than long walks on the beach and mind-blowing sex. Although both those things certainly have played a role in creating this picture-perfect life. But there is more to us than that. I’m thinking about the way they cradle me in their arms as we tell one another our deepest secrets and darkest desires. It’s the way I’m comfortable in my own skin with them, the very best version of myself.

  At least, I was before I found out I was pregnant.

  Now? Now I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. Scared that if they find out who I really am, how I really feel about this baby, they won’t want me all.

  “These men like the Chloe they know. But the Chloe I just told you about, the Chloe who has no idea how to do this next part-- being a parent–– they might not like that girl very much. And if they don’t like her, where would that leave me?”

  “Chloe, you have a lot on your mind. It’s not uncommon for a woman who’s just found out about an unplanned pregnancy to wrestle with many things similar to this. It’s natural.”

  I wipe away a tear away. “This is natural?”

  “Natural-ish,” Dr. Brown says, smiling.

  I don’t understand. Here I am baring my soul and she’s smiling serenely.

  “Chloe, I’ve been a practicing OB/GYN for twenty years. I’ve seen it all. Maybe not a young woman with four partners exactly, but early in pregnancy there are so many hormones surging through your body. You are filled with so many highs and lows as your body begins growing a person, that we don’t see things exactly as they are.”

  “Are you saying I’m crazy?”

  “No, I’m calling you pregnant. And I think it might be crazy if you weren’t thinking about things like this right now. Wondering where this massive shift in the reality of it puts you. It’s healthy to question, to consider. In fact, that characteristic is what would make someone a good parent. Not just thinking about themselves but thinking about a family dynamic as a whole. I’m really proud of you.”

  Her words pierce something deep inside of me, like a balloon in my heart, that has started to thin and is running out of air. She makes a sharp cut and I can breathe.

  “Thank you. I can’t really believe I just told you all that, though...”

  “You told me that because it needed to get it off your chest. But I’m not the person who you really need to be talking to. I think there are a few men out there who deserve to hear how you’re feeling. You’re not gonna figure out what to do next unless you are willing to talk to them about it.”

  “And what if my truth scares them and they walk away? What then?”

  Dr. Brown’s lips turn into a firm line. She nods her head and answers without compromise. “Then, Chloe, you make a new plan. But you don’t need to make a plan until you find out if the one you have right now works. It’s not the time for plan B yet.”

  “I don’t know who the father is,” I tell her. Having all this out in the open causes my shoulders to drop in relief. I’ve been holding so much back.

  And this is the last scary thing I’ve held back. I’m terrified about not knowing who the father is, and even more terrified of finding out. It could effortlessly break our perfect family into five jagged edges.

  “But you have to speak up and find out, Chloe,” she says simply.

  I smile and can’t help but laugh. There is relief in that, in the not knowing.

  And right now, I didn’t need every problem solved. Maybe right now, I just needed the confirmation that it’s okay to have a problem at all.

  “Are you ready to hear the heartbeat?” Dr. Brown asks.

  I nod, realizing I am. I don’t know how to do this ... or even if I want this ... but I do want to make sure that the baby is healthy, growing, whole.

  NOAH

  Hearing the baby’s heartbeat really threw me for a loop. Tears were streaming down Chloe’s face. Mason and Enzo were all teary-eyed too. The steady thump-thump-thump eased all of our minds to some degree. A healthy baby was the most important thing, of course, but confirming that she was, in fact, carrying a child–– a child belonging to one of us–– brought on a whole onslaught of other things to consider.

  In this moment, Chloe looks so freaking happy. Maybe it was a look that registered her absolute relief that the baby was okay.

  But I know there’s a hell of a lot of fear in her eyes too. But there’s something about hearing a baby’s heartbeat that can make everything hard in the world seem soft for just one moment. All of us there felt it, even Dr. Brown. She held a wand over Chloe’s flat belly as the baby’s steady heartbeat echoed throughout the room. The sound caught all of us off guard. It was fucking perfection.

  On the way home, Chloe told us she wanted to talk, so we made a bonfire that night, right on the beach after Leo went back to his hotel. We brought out snacks and sparkling water– Chloe’s beverage of choice tonight. We had dried mango and trail mix. Not exactly wild and crazy, but even with all this baby mama drama, we still had jobs to do. And that meant staying in shape. We were out most days, shooting raw footage to turn into our videos.

  I love it here on Oahu. We head out most mornings in Waikiki, jump in the Jeep and head to an empty beach to set up the tripod, snap on a GoPro. Sometimes pulling out a surfboard or some shit–– climbing gear or the parasail and just having a good time. In our videos, we talk a lot of shit, make jokes, shoot the breeze. Mostly we are ourselves.

  Chloe thinks it’s our personalities that get us more and more views each day, and now that we’re free now, no longer held by the Black Bull sponsorship, we are freer than ever. We can say what we like, without needing to censor ourselves.

  And with Chloe making magic behind the scenes, the sky is the limit. She is so freaking good with budgets and marketing but more than that, it’s like she really believes in what we are doing: showing people parts of the world they would never see on their
own.

  What started as a bunch of hometown boys wanting to see more than their own backyard has turned into something so much bigger than I ever imagined.

  And so much of my drive right now comes from Chloe. She believes in me in ways I’ve never believed in myself. That gives me the kind of confidence I never knew I was craving. She says that’s crazy talk, that a guy like me, who makes jokes and is everyone’s good old boy, has probably never felt insecure for a day in his whole life.

  But she’s wrong about that. I’ve always been comfortable with attention, but that doesn’t mean I never thought I deserved it. At the end of the day, my greatest fear is that I am nothing more than a joke and a good fuck.

  And now, Chloe needs me to be so much more.

  I don’t know if I can be the man she deserves; the man she needs to be able to depend on. Because now it’s not just us against the world.

  Now there is a child.

  Sitting out here now with her, the blazing fire, the ocean waves in the distance crashing on the salty sand, I can’t help but wonder how a baby fits in.

  What if the baby was born, here, right now? Would one of us be on daddy duty, changing diapers and getting bottles? While everyone else was having fun? I guess so, and maybe it sounds selfish to say I’m not ready to give all that up, but I don’t know if I am.

  Is it selfish to be honest?

  Mason? Shit, right now he’s sitting here talking about by a crib. Strollers. Car seats. Enzo is onboard too, but I can tell Ethan is struggling to process all this too. I wish we were on the same page here … but we are clearly divided.

  With every word Mason says, I see Chloe retreat a little bit more. Finally, I have to ask, as she sits there with a blanket is wrapped around her shoulders and I gaze at her from across the campfire, her eyes dancing with the fire in them.

  “So, you want to talk about what happened at the doctors today?” I ask. The flame between us helps me say what I must, without the pressure of looking someone directly in the eye.

  “Yeah,” she says. “I did. Truth is, I’m not sure I’m ready for this. Feels like we jumped about a hundred steps. Me, a mother? I just ... I don’t know if it’s for me. I never imagined myself...”

  She stops talking, clearly flustered. Enzo, who is always there, always giving, wraps an arm around her shoulder. A hero in this moment of the story. And I’m grateful as fuck that he’s there for her right now. There for her in ways I’m not. I don’t know how to step up and be a father. Hell, I’m just figuring out how to be a man. Chloe needs the best.

  Is that really me? Would she be better off without me at all?

  Dammit, I don’t even want to think about it.

  I love this woman with all that I am. I need her, but does she really need me?

  Chloe tells us more about her conversation with Dr. Brown. About her insecurity that she’s not cut out for this job: motherhood. How she never asked for it and is scared. “More than anything, I’m terrified that I’m going to end up just like my mother. Running from the very thing that makes life worth living. A family.”

  “Chloe, her story doesn’t have to be yours,” Mason says adamantly. “I see where you are coming from, but she isn’t you.”

  “I know, Mason. But that’s what you want to believe. Here’s the truth, I don’t know the first thing about being a mom.

  “Chloe,” Enzo says evenly. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him call Chloe by her first name. “None of us know how to do this. But that’s the beauty of it. We can figure it out together.”

  His words must be some sort of balm to her heart because next thing I know, Chloe has wrapped herself around Enzo, straddling him on that wooden log, and kissing his mouth with pure and utter devotion.

  I adjust myself. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t horny as fuck watching them. As he peels back Chloe’s sweater, he kisses her collarbone and his hand moves under the tank top she wears. I watch as he cups her breasts, a move he’s mastered quite well. I don’t begrudge him this time with her, but damn, this view is making my cock hungry as hell.

  I stand, wanting to give them privacy, knowing Chloe should feel like the goddess she is tonight and knowing my mood is only going to bring the group down. Ethan, though, stands too. His face is withdrawn and a cloud of dark energy surrounds him. I knew he was taking this change hard … but now I see it is even more than that.

  I don’t know if we are going to survive this change, even if we want to. Fuck, my head is a mess, my heart wants one thing, but my mind is saying something else.

  I stand to go, not in a mean way, but in an I-know-that-I-need-to-get-my-head-on-straight way. Hell, my parents are coming in a few days and I’m nothing but a mother fucking roller coaster of emotions.

  Chapter 11

  CHLOE

  The sun is shining when I roll out of bed and internally groan.

  Noah’s parents arrived in the middle of the night last night, and when I walk downstairs, I know I am going to come face to face with them.

  Leo’s visit has been pretty tame. For the most part, he has been going out with Enzo and the guys every day. He says surfing is his newfound passion and I’ve gotta admit, for a man in his late fifties, it’s impressive to see him get out there on a board and just go for it, taking a risk and learning something new.

  But the good thing about Leo is since he is a widower, there are no judging eyes of Enzo’s protective mother looking down on me.

  Leo is just as generous as his son. After getting over the initial shock of the relationship, he’s always helping with dinner, telling jokes, and reminiscing about when the boys were young, growing up, and getting in trouble.

  But Noah does have a mom and it sounds like she was a wonderful homemaker and mother. Always there for her boys when they were young and I can only imagine the heat I am going to get once Noah tells her who I am exactly.

  And if my last experience with a female family member bears any weight, then this week is going to go really badly. Mason’s little sister left LA thinking the worst about me.

  But as I get ready, I think about my day. While Noah’s parents coming are a big deal-- I also have my coffee date with Harlow. Maybe I just need to talk to a woman about all this. I hope she won’t judge me when I open up to her. Putting on a bikini and then cutoffs and a tank top over it, and braiding my hair into a fishtail, I refuse to let what judgment I’ve faced in the past affect me now.

  I have worked too damn hard to get where I am today. And even though I don’t know how I really feel about this pregnancy, I do know I cannot let any negative people around me right now. This baby deserves more than that.

  Besides, I don’t owe anyone, except my men, anything. I owe them honesty, above all else. We have made a commitment to be with each other, and even though I know things might get really messy when we have the big talk about who the father of this child is, I know we are going to get through that when the time comes.

  Or at least I hope we can.

  For now, I am going to make the best of the situation. I am in Oahu for goodness sakes, with four men by my side! I have no reason to stress. As I walk downstairs, I see Noah’s mom, Tammi, in the kitchen; she has a spatula in one hand and looks like Paula Deen. Big smile, big laugh, and a big presence. The guys are on bar stools listening to everything she says. She delivers a punch line and everyone laughs. The man who must be Noah’s father, Tom, claps in approval. Leo is there too, drinking coffee and soaking in the sun that shines through the window.

  “What did I miss?” I ask warmly.

  Tammi sets down the spatula and opens her arms, pulling me into an embrace. “Oh, Chloe, you sweet thing, you are just a doll,” she coos.

  She pulls back and pinches me on the cheeks. Literally.

  “Well, not sure about sweet, but thanks, Tammi.”

  “Oh, now don’t be shy. Noah hasn’t stopped singing your praises, you know that, right?”

  I look over at a red-faced Noah who is eating a plateful
of pancakes. And bacon. My eyes go wide as saucers. “Pancakes?”

  He shakes his head sheepishly and I see all the guys have stacks of flapjacks. “She’s a pusher,” he says with a bashful smile.

  “I’m impressed, Tammi,” I tell her. “I can’t get these boys to eat anything besides green smoothies and quinoa. I need your secrets.”

  Tammi hands me a plate and I set it on the island, pouring maple syrup.

  “Thatagirl,” Tom says as I dose my food in sugar coma.

  I shrug. “What can I say? I have a sweet tooth.”

  “And yet you’re with Noah,” Tammi teases.

  “What? You don’t think Noah is sweet?” I ask, realizing our conversation is dominating the room. My guys are pretty damn silent. A pang hits me as I realize Noah’s parents don’t really know what sort of relationship I have with her son. They know I am dating him but it was all spelled out in pretty loose terms. They likely don’t realize I am with all of them. I know Noah laid the groundwork that I was living with them. But they don’t know that we are in love.

  And having a baby.

  But I remember tiptoeing for weeks around Mason’s sister and how that drove a massive wedge between us. I’m not doing that again.

  “A little sweet, sure, but he’s always been a bit prickly,” Tom says.

  I nod, remembering Noah telling me about his privileged childhood. “That’s because things have always come easy for Noah,” I tell them. “He’s one of those people with a charmed life, never realizing how good they have it because things have never been too bad.”

  Noah shoots me a look. A look that tells me he’s annoyed with my commentary.

  “Sorry,” I say, reaching for his hand. “I didn’t mean anything.”

  Noah frowns. “It’s true. Up until recently, at least.”

  His parents exchange a look and I let go of Noah’s hand as he goes to refill his coffee cup.

  “Things been hard?” Tom asks the guys.

  Ethan nods, and when I take a harder look at him it seems like he didn’t sleep all night. He has circles under his eyes and runs a hand through disheveled hair. “We ended the Black Bull contract, which has been a big adjustment and then Mason’s injury. And then...” He looks at me but I shake my head to keep him quiet. I don’t know why, but I’m not ready for Noah’s parents to know about the pregnancy.