Forever Girl

by Sam Destiny

  “Tell him I’ll hang him by his balls if he’s not nice,” Hilary ordered.

  “I don’t think threatening a guy with PTSD with violence is the right way, Hilary.”

  “Okay, tell him I’ll kill him gently if he hurts you.”

  “Friends, Hils, remember? He and I are friends. I don’t think either of us can currently risk being more.” She had strapped her boy in and Hilary stepped toward her, taking her hands in hers.

  “This is Jazz. You can pretend all you want, but you love him, and even if you’re not touching, you’re lovers. Your hearts beat in synch if you’re close or not. That’s what love is all about. Always. So don’t lie to me and tell him what I said, okay?”

  “I’ll catch you later, Hils.” She turned away, not promising anything.

  “Get yourself kisses and cuddles. You need it, and you want it anyway,” her friend called after her and Tessa shook her head with a smile.

  In the car she turned on the music, loud enough to enjoy and yet not make Johnny deaf. The way to work seemed to get shorter each day, and once she arrived in her assigned parking spot, her heart stopped on her chest.

  So much for being friends. Jazz stood there, wearing dark denims, an army hoodie, and white sneakers. He smiled at her, his beard, though unfamiliar still, neatly trimmed and less wild than she remembered it to be just the day before. And in his hand he held a single red rose, biting his lip as he spotted her.

  That guy definitely knew how to tear down all her defenses.

  Tessa didn’t get out of the car right away and Jazz couldn’t even be mad at her for it. He’d debated bringing her a rose, but then had decided she needed to know what exactly he wanted from her, no doubts able to invade her mind, so he crossed over and opened the door for her, holding out his hand.

  “May I help you?” he grinned and she looked at him, her expression gentle, cautious, and almost sad.

  “Jesse,” she whispered and he leaned in, pressing a soft kiss against her cheek.

  “Can you take the rose? It’s for you after all. I’m gonna get our son.”

  It came to him naturally to call the boy that, and it should’ve scared him, but didn’t. He’d spent most of his night thinking about those two, falling asleep with her picture in his hand, and waking up only when the sun had been shining into his room.

  It was a challenge to take the little one from the car seat, but he was ready to do that, and practice would make him perfect. Tessa passed him by, silent for now.He nearly whooped as he had his son free while Tessa stood next to him, a bag hanging over her shoulder.

  “Give me that, beautiful,” he ordered and she did, watching him as he shifted his son and the bag at the same time. He’d assumed she’d be like a hawk, but in contrary to what he’d feared, he didn’t get nervous. Instead he couldn’t help the stab of pride he felt for her.

  She led the way and he followed her up some stairs after crossing through a small foyer. The walls were all rather dark, the few lamps doing just enough make sure you didn’t stumble, but Tessa navigated the stairs as if she’d never been anywhere else. Leaving the staircase, they entered a lofty room through a heavy door that fell closed softly behind them and Jazz relaxed.

  “Worried it would set you off?” she asked quietly and he had to admit her observance caught him off-guard.

  “I didn’t say anything,” he replied, forcing a smile back onto his lips.

  “You stiffened and slowed down, as if you were waiting for something, Jazz,” she whispered. “All doors here have a special mechanism to make them close extra softly. Radio station, remember? Every noise could penetrate, and will, trust me. No matter how well they are sound-proved, you always have an idiot leaving open doors. It’s going to be okay here. And you can sit inside the studio with me. Even less noise there. Promise.”

  He gave her a grateful kiss on the forehead. “It should be scary how well you can read me,” he mumbled and she turned back to him after having resumed her way.

  “It should be?” she prompted and he nodded.

  “It’s not though. It’s… reassuring.” And it was. Knowing she watched out for him did strange things to his mind and heart.

  “It’s what happens if you study a subject very closely,” she winked and he finally smiled a real smile again, when she went on, “So, this is my sanctuary.”

  They’d crossed the room until reaching a row of rooms to the right, and the one behind a door with the sign ‘Studio Eight’ was small, yet roomy enough to house a small travel bed at the side, a console and computers, microphones and chairs. His fingers itched to touch the technical equipment and Tessa’s light laugh made it clear she saw it in his eyes.

  “Give me the baby and then go on, big boy. Play with the toys,” she teased. He looked around and spotted a clock through a glass wall he hadn’t seen before. Behind it some people sat and he waved awkwardly, before turning back to her.

  “Ignore them. I do,” she stated quietly and he nodded, walking over until stopping next to a microphone. It had to be hers. He reached out and ran his fingers over his dog tags.

  “You have them still,” he whispered, sounding choked.

  “I had them always. Whenever things got too bad, I touched them, held onto them. In the beginning I was sure they still held your warmth,” she explained and he watched her across the room. She’d put the baby boy into his travel crib and he was gently babbling while his mother seemed unsure of herself, the situation, and overall. “I wanted to pretend so bad you’d just slipped them off and handed them to me. That you were close,” she went on, releasing a long, deep breath.

  What could you ever possible say to a woman that loved you so much, so obviously, and so freely? Were there any words that could let her know how much you appreciated her? Needed her?

  Jazz was sure there weren’t, and he wouldn’t even try to find them. Instead he stepped to her again, taking her palm and bringing it under his hoodie and shirt, pressing it flat against his racing heart.

  “This, Tessa, beats because of you. You kept me sane and safe down there, and frankly, you’re doing the same back here.” He felt how she curled her fingers, moving them up enough to wrap them around his new dog tags, and then he watched how she closed her eyes.Her body sagged as if for the first time since he’d left she knew he was indeed there and alive.

  Dropping her hand again to embrace him, she rested her forehead against his chest and he wrapped her in his arms, holding onto her until she had enough, and if that moment would never come? He’d be fine with that, too, because right there it was just him and her. No nightmares, no bad memories, no loneliness.

  It was just a couple so desperately in love, they couldn’t breathe without the other one.

  “It’s almost as if you’re moving out,” Hilary complained. Tessa just sighed. In some ways she probably was, yet this still didn’t make her happy. Things with Jazz had improved over the last two weeks and although she’d tried to keep her distance somewhat—by not sleeping at his house for example—she couldn’t deny she was all-in with this. She’d been naïve to believe she’d be able to keep a few emotions out of this equation until she knew Jazz was being back to Jazz.

  He tried, and tried hard for that matter, but there were moments when he thought he was alone she saw a crack in his strong armor. His shoulders would be shaking, and his forehead glittering with sweat, but the moment he noticed someone else was in the room, sunshine entered his face and he stood, kissing her until she was distracted enough to not ask.

  “Moving out? I’m just grabbing a few things to stay over for a night. Kris is at a friend’s house and Raphaela went back to Florida to meet with some friends for a while. They are both feeling as if Jazz needed someone there. Plus…” She sighed again and Hilary cocked her head.

  “You want to be there, play family,” Hils ended the sentence for her and Tessa nodded, turning away to grab some more clothes for her son. It was incredible how fast you could run out of items to dress a child
in.

  “What is it?” Hilary asked after a long moment and Tessa wondered if she could just pretend nothing was going on at all. “No, Tessa, don’t,” her friend instantly stated. “I can see you thinking about lying to me.”

  And Tessa could see Hilary bracing her hands on her hips without her needing to turn back around.

  “You can’t see that”, Tessa finally stated, sitting back on her heels. “This is not over. It was too easy in the end, Hils. I mean, if his flashbacks and everything could be so easily contained, why didn’t he have a handle on them before?” Tessa shook her head; dread churning in her stomach like a snake. “He’s been attentive, and sweet, and perfect, but I don’t think he’s telling me all there is to it. And neither do Kris and Raphaela.”

  She heard a slight rustle as Hilary sat down on the bed. “That’s why you want to sleep there now. To see if he has nightmares still, or worse, and no one is there to pretend anything different.”

  Tessa stared down at the midnight blue, tiny pullover in her hands and nodded slowly.

  “I need to see with my own eyes that it’s fine. I don’t expect him to be magically healed, not after the way he’s been before all of this. I don’t know, I’m worried about the switch from dark to light.” And she’d been even more worried about voicing that because she feared it made her sound ungrateful. Hilary and her had read more romance novels than their whole neighborhood combined. They had seen the inexplicable change, and had wished there was something like the perfect guy out there, the guy you could get through all troubles with, but this wasn’t anything happening between the pages of a book: This was the real life.

  “I’ve been thinking the same,” Hilary finally admitted and Tessa turned to her, drawing her knees up to her body. She knew Hils wasn’t finished yet, but since she had a hard time to put into words what was going on inside her head, she gave her friend the same time to consider her next sentences. “There was no use in keeping the two of you apart. Never has been. Back when Evy tried because she wanted to protect your heart, I wondered what was going on with her. You two hit it off from the start. Hell, I didn’t think he’d be kissing strangers at the airport every damn day, but here, now? I know it would be the best if really you were taking this slow.You two are a whirlwind of emotions. You’re like fire and gasoline, and each time you meet you burn brighter.”

  While that did sound good, Tessa could tell it wasn’t.

  “However, you need fuel, and what happens if there’s nothing left to consume? I’d like to think you two can forever burn like stars, but I’m worried. Seriously worried. You cannot have your heart broken because the funk you were in after he returned? The way you nearly killed yourself between being by his side, working, and being a mom? That was only the beginning. If you now get a taste of the life you always wanted, won’t you break? It’s now that I can understand why Evy tried to do what she did. Only… this time you won’t listen, right? No matter what I say?”

  Tessa started to fold the pullover in her hand, placing it on top of the bag with the rest of the clothes.

  “I don’t ask you to approve or understand,” she finally whispered. God, if only Hilary wouldn’t make so much sense. “All I ask is that you’re there no matter what.”

  “All I ask is that breaking doesn’t mean you can’t be fixed.” Hils’ voice was so quiet, Tessa had to glance at her friend to make sure she had spoken at all.

  There’d been a time when Tessa couldn’t have made that promise without lying, but now things were different. “I promise that no matter what, I will be become whole again at some point. I have a son, even if it should turn out I have nothing else,” she vowed and though happiness looked different, Hilary at least wore a tiny smile on her face.

  Jesus, Jazz was exhausted. He felt as if whenever he took one step forward, life threw him ten steps back. His flashbacks had been reduced to a minimum, barely happening during the daytime anymore, yet they seem to be harder whenever they hit. Tessa was the only thing that seemed to keep him tethered to reality, and a new wave of guilt hit him each time he thought about that. After all, his son should bring the same sense of reality over him, especially because Johnny hadn’t existed back when Jazz had been deployed. Yet it was only Tessa that worked, and didn’t that make him a horrible dad?

  Checking his cell for the time, he realized that Tessa would soon be there and he’d promised her breakfast. In fact, he’d promised her the world. After not having allowed her close, he suddenly couldn’t imagine being without her anymore. He had no idea if it would help having her there during the night, if it made him sleep better or not, but telling her bye each day anew killed him. He wanted to wake up with her.

  Granted, chances were she’d be waking him up because he’d be lost in the desert, but that was almost the same, right?

  Pushing to his feet with a sigh, he pulled over black sweats and a whit tee before vanishing inside the bathroom to brush his teeth and comb his fingers through his hair. He’d considered shaving off his beard, but decided it would only remind him too much of the guy he used to be and no longer was, and that freaked him out. People would expect him to be back to his old self then, and he wasn’t—probably never would be.

  He didn’t look at his reflection, being able to picture the bags under his eyes and the pale color of his face. It hadn’t changed much, even though as the days went by, he felt better and probably looked better, too.

  Which reminded him of Ryan. Although he had ambivalent feelings about the doctor, he’d started noticing that the guy appeared more haggard each time they accidentally crossed paths. He was tempted to ask Tessa about that, but then wondered why he even cared. After all, he was pretty sure the doctor had his eyes on his girl.

  Jazz descended the stairs, pausing at the bottom because there was utter silence in the house. No noise whatsoever penetrated the stillness.Not even his heartbeat registered with him. It reminded him of too many nightmares, too many flashbacks even though those weren’t always silent. The problem was Jazz couldn’t tell anymore what he’d thought the moment the first grenade had gone off. Had he been deaf because of the stress and the worry, the panic and the fear, or had the noise been too much to bear for his mind, so in his memories it was simply erased?

  He didn’t know, and shaking his head to clear that from his mind, he made his feet move. He needed to get busy.

  Pancakes and bacon, that was what he’d promised Tessa, and so far he had nothing to show for. Pausing next to the coffee pot, he tried to remember if she had liked coffee or not. God, he didn’t know, because the times they’d woken up together there hadn’t been the chance to make their own stuff, or be a normal couple. Jesus, had they even been a couple, or just a fling after all?

  No matter what, now they were a family. Turning on the radio to fill the silence that suddenly seemed to be pressuring, he hummed. It was the station Tessa worked for, and currently they had a rock show going on. He wasn’t sure that was the best thing in the morning, but then had to remind himself that the program was based on UK time, and therefore some hours ahead.

  Opening the fridge, he realized he had another problem: He’d never before made pancakes. Staring into the white interior, he somehow hoped things would just jump out at him, almost as if telling him what he’d need to use. Couldn’t be that hard, right?

  Instead though he reached for the eggs and the bacon. He could absolutely scramble that and pour it into a pan.

  Resting his palms against the counter, he bowed his head. What was he even trying to prove? Most of his life he’d lived on a base, getting food there and hardly ever having to make it himself. The few times he’d been home his mother had spoiled him rotten.

  A gentle knock made him look up, and his heart skipped a beat. Tessa stood in the door, watching him with a soft smile. He’d forgotten that his mother had handed over her key to Tess because that way she could drop by whenever. Frankly, he wished she hadn’t seen him the way he’d just looked, because he was sure de
feat was in every line of his body, and that wasn’t what he wanted her to see.

  “Need help with anything?” she wanted to know, coming over to stand next to him, and he wondered why she didn’t wrap her arms around him.

  “No hug?” he asked, hating how insecure he sounded. “And where’s our son?”

  “Fell asleep on the ride here, so I let him sleep in the living room in his car seat. I’m sure we’ll hear him if he wakes up. And about the hug…”

  She glanced up at him from under her lashes and he wanted to crush her to him and devour her lips until neither of them had any air left.

  “You looked as if you were lost in thoughts, and I worried it could’ve been about the desert, so I didn’t want to trigger anything,” she explained and he took her palm, bringing it up to his face before kissing it.

  “You can always touch me, Tessa. In fact, you don’t even have a choice. You have to. I want you to. Always. You’re the only one who can,” he insisted, framing her face and holding her gaze until he was sure she understood what he was saying. After all, there was no one else who had been able to put a hand on him without freaking him out.

  “What were you thinking about then?” she wanted to know and he grinned, knowing she’d see him blush if he wouldn’t have a beard to hide the color.

  “I don’t know what I’m doing in the kitchen,” he admitted and she laughed, curling into him finally.

  “Hey,” she breathed and he kissed the top of her nose.

  “Hey,” he gave back.

  “Never made pancakes before?” she inquired, pulling back enough to stare up at him and he finally gave in to the longing, leaning in to kiss her long and sweet. She tasted of coffee and faintly minty.

  “So you do drink coffee,” he remarked, making a mental note, while her face heated.

  “I should’ve probably brushed my teeth afterward, not before. I’m sorry,” she apologized and he grabbed her chin, drawing her in for another kiss.