My Heart Belongs in Castle Gate, Utah

by Dicken, Angie;

  “Good morning. I’d sure love a hand. You can share a pew with us.” She smiled sweetly.

  “Oh, I don’t belong to this church—” He backed away. “I am Greek.”

  “Belong? You Greeks believe in Jesus, don’t you?” She hobbled over to him. Alex nodded on behalf of Greeks like his momma. He wasn’t sure what he believed anymore.

  The woman’s hat did not hide her bright countenance as she continued, “‘There is neither Jew nor Greek…: for ye are all one in Christ.’ So the Good Book says.”

  “Does it say that?” His eyebrows perked up. He knew more Shakespeare than scripture. He was worn out wondering about God’s plan. Everything seemed helpless now.

  “I pray that one day we will all see one another for our hearts and not our origins.” She shuffled across the path and forcefully placed her cane on the bottom step.

  Alex glanced down the street, quieter and more settled as the town dissolved into their places of worship. Behind him, music began inside the building. He was indeed a stranger, no matter the optimism of this woman.

  “It’s what the Good Book says,” she continued.

  “What?” he asked.

  “That we are one, not divided, you know?” Her glassy gray eyes settled on him, and Tommy tugged at Alex’s coat, also looking up expectantly.

  “I need to read that Good Book, I think,” he muttered. “I once thought it could be so.” He’d hoped that Leanna’s presence at Papa’s name-day celebration would be the start of erasing boundaries. Yet it didn’t change the minds of the ignorant—it only created fear. What greater evil would be stirred if they chose to love each other? Was Leanna right?

  “How can we change hearts, though?” The words tumbled from his mouth.

  “That’s an age-old question, isn’t it?” The woman chuckled. “We do our best. And we love, I guess. There’s no fear in love. Another nugget from—”

  “The Good Book?” Alex half-smiled. The woman grinned wide, and he held out his arm, carefully guiding her up the steps.

  We love?

  Did she just say that? Coincidence? He wasn’t so sure. He narrowed his eyes to the clear steel-gray sky. But he couldn’t make his smile turn to his usual grimace at the heavens.

  His stomach quivered, and he longed for something—beyond Leanna, beyond this path to success—he could not be sure of what it was, but he had a hunch.

  Singing poured from the doors of the church—similar to those songs sung by certain men as they worked the mines. Nothing like the liturgy of his people. But different didn’t mean less.

  The Greeks and Americans worshipped in different ways, but they worshipped Christ with all their hearts. At least his momma did, and Penelope, and…Leanna, it seemed.

  All the anger inside him began to fizzle.

  When they reached the porch of the church, Tommy ran to open the door.

  “Thank you, sir.” His grandmother patted Alex’s arm. “Would you be my guest?”

  A glimpse of golden hair in the back pew caught his eye while Tommy leaned against the door.

  Leanna.

  He followed the grandmother inside but stopped at a column.

  “Mister Pappas,” Tommy whispered and tugged at his coat. “Would you like to sit with us?”

  “Oh, no. I can’t stay. Just warming myself a bit,” Alex said, but the warmth inside him had nothing to do with the building, and everything to do with the beauty he fixed his eyes upon.

  There was no fear in love, according to the Good Book—or the old woman. Then why was Alex so afraid as he studied Leanna from a distance? Fear gripped him like it did when the mine caved in and Jack was stolen away.

  Everything was changing inside him, and the ground he’d worked so hard to claim as his own was crumbling beneath him in the face of his desired, ridiculous future. A pipe dream, as they say.

  Foolishness.

  Leanna had spoken of prejudice being an evil in this town. And regardless of the old woman’s optimism or the hope he’d found in Leanna, there might not be a place for such a love as theirs. For the sake of his family, he had spent eight years surviving the evil. It took every ounce of effort. There was no room for love.

  He turned to leave at the same moment she turned her head. Their eyes met. He stood, frozen behind the column. Her brows knitted together. Alex clenched his teeth and stormed out of the church.

  It was time he tried to forget. If only he had good practice at that. Eight years was hardly enough time to forget his late wife. Wouldn’t it be just as difficult with a woman such as Leanna McKee?

  The crisp air was never so welcome upon his face as when he escaped the heat of Leanna’s wonder. But before the door closed behind him, she slipped out to join him.

  “Alex?” She touched his arm as he leaned against the rail of the steps.

  “I apologize for the intrusion. I—I don’t know what got into me.”

  “Did—” She dropped her hand and descended to his step. “Did you want to come to church?”

  He glared at her. “I wanted to see you. But you seemed rather comfortable on the arm of your friend, so I don’t know why I bothered.” Walk away, Alex. Begin to forget.

  Her eyes widened, a magnetic sapphire pull. “I am sorry. He really is an old friend, but—”

  His heart plunged when she hesitated.

  “But he offered to take me back to Boston.” She stepped farther down the steps, wrapping her arms around her waist. A nipping breeze swirled past them. His reason wrestled with all temptation to gather her in an embrace. “My mind is made up that I will leave this place; I just have another option besides Salt Lake City. I will not lie to you—he hopes to marry me one day.”

  “Marry?” Misery melted his motivation to leave her be. “I thought you didn’t want to return to Boston.”

  “I was certain of that—until James showed up. Don’t you see, Alex? I do not belong here. Perhaps I was never meant to live this meager lifestyle. I may never have to worry about surviving again—” Her chest swelled and she let out a sigh. “And then there is Salt Lake City, where I can still teach. But I will be alone just the same. How long will it be until I am in need again?”

  “You wouldn’t have to be hungry or alone if you would stay here.” His voice was low and scratchy. He trembled with a mixture of passion and fear. But he was not as afraid of being caught with Leanna as he was of never seeing her again.

  “Mrs. McKee?” Mrs. Tilton crossed the street from the Mormon meetinghouse. She glowered at Alex, but spoke to Leanna. “Is this man bothering you? I can get my husband—”

  “That will not be necessary, Mrs. Tilton.” Leanna swiped her eyes with the back of her finger, bounced a quick look to Alex, then rushed up the steps. “I was just settling some loose ends with Mr. Pappas. You know I taught his niece and nephew?”

  “Very well. I was retrieving my reticule from our wagon and thought I’d offer some help.”

  “Good day, ladies.” He tipped his hat and left them briskly. His heart still sat low in his chest, but a sudden wash of clarity splashed the air at Mrs. Tilton’s interrogating stare.

  He felt like a new strikebreaker, a Greek who recently arrived to work when others would not. They all started out lodged beneath the fat thumb of Anthis, constantly at his beck and call for more money and careful to tread only in the agent’s favor.

  Mrs. Tilton made him feel small. Just like he did his first days here.

  How could Leanna live life here with him and not suffer from the criticism and judgment that shone so keenly in Mrs. Tilton’s gaze? If Alex loved her at all, he would not allow her to go through that. Just like he would have never let Helena suffer disease if he’d had the choice.

  He’d have to let Leanna go. It was the only way.

  At least allow me to join you on the train.” James coddled her hands in his as they sat on the settee in front of the parlor’s fire.

  “I must do this alone.” She was firm, as if he were a student begging for tro
uble. His vibrant green eyes tripped her heart with all their eagerness.

  Leanna sighed. “Very well. Just the train ride.” The more time she spent with him, the more she felt like a naive debutante—a feeling she used to abhor. But now she found comfort in the security of being cared for. Yet hadn’t Alex also offered to care for her if she’d stayed?

  What would that look like in a town like Castle Gate?

  This strange predicament was exactly why she needed to visit Bethany today. They were fast friends, having met for breakfast at the Italian bakery before Bethany returned to Salt Lake during her last visit. Bethany deserved to know that Leanna’s commitment teetered, but more than that, Leanna hoped to seek advice from her only female friend.

  James cupped her chin and hesitated just inches from her face. No. She should resist. Her decision had yet to be made and—“James Alcott,” she said in weak reprimand.

  “Let me buy you a hat,” he murmured as if he spoke the language of a sweetheart.

  “A hat?” She pulled away, straightening her shoulders.

  “I can’t bear to see you in such drab clothing, Leanna.” He picked up his coat, which lay beside him, then stood up. “You are too beautiful to dress so, so…”

  “Common?” She stood next to him, chiding herself for getting so caught up in his charms. Of course her old self would love for James Alcott to buy her a hat. But she remembered that she was no debutante. “Be careful, Mr. Alcott. You still have no answer from me. Do not spend your money so quickly.” She tilted her nose up and breezed past him in good Willingham fashion.

  The train ride was long. James caught her up on all the marriages that had taken place since she left. She really couldn’t care less, and by the time they arrived in Salt Lake City, she wondered if she had any intention of going back to Boston at all. All the people James had spoken of wore the same puppet strings that she had bravely cut off when she married Jack. Did she really want to reattach herself so quickly?

  They hurried to find a taxi since James had refused to take public transportation.

  “Tell me more about my parents. Do they truly want me back?” Leanna asked as they pulled into the quiet neighborhood of four-square homes and shade trees.

  “Of course they do. Your mother was sick for a month at the thought of you in the Wild West.” He chuckled.

  “Yes, but I hesitate to return if they will not accept me for who I am. Do you understand? I cannot be their puppet any longer.”

  He put his hands on her arms. “Darling, if you were to go back, you’d be with me. And I will lavish you with whatever you’d like. I adore you, Leanna.” His passionate confession sent a warmth through her, a welcomed sensation on such a cold day. Entranced in his loving gaze, she could almost convince herself that God had sent James as her second chance for happiness. After all, he looked rather angelic—in a masculine, rich sort of way.

  Before he parted to explore the city, James escorted her to Bethany’s house but had the taxi idle as she walked up to the door.

  The taxi waited until Bethany appeared, then slowly continued down the street. How strange it made Leanna feel to be pampered so.

  “Leanna? I am so glad to see you,” Bethany exclaimed with a gleeful expression. She ushered Leanna into the foyer, taking her coat and chattering away. “I hope I didn’t miss a letter or a message that you were planning a trip.”

  “Oh, no. And I am sorry for the intrusion, Bethany. But I do have quite a dilemma.”

  Bethany put her arm around her shoulders and gushed, “Oh, dear. I do hope you are okay.”

  Leanna gave a weak smile, ever thankful for this kind woman. They sat together in the parlor. Bethany had an assortment of chocolates on the table, as if she knew a visitor was due. The room was still as warm and pretty as the first time Leanna had visited. Light sparkled through crystal beads of a lamp shade, casting a rainbow across her dark skirt. She smiled faintly.

  “Every day at this hour, the sun is positioned just right to give us a light show,” Bethany giggled. “Tommy tried to trace the rainbows on his slate, but that is easier said than done.”

  “You have live art in your parlor. How wonderful.”

  “It shall soon be yours, too.” Bethany offered her a chocolate.

  “Thank you,” Leanna said, unable to look her in the eye. Instead, her mind’s eye was trapped in a prism of sorts, admiring the glimmer of three colorful fractals. Which would she treasure as her own, and which would she turn away from forever?

  “You are deep in thought, dear friend. What brings you here today?” Bethany asked.

  Leanna shoveled in air, finding courage in her friend’s kindness. “You see, since I accepted the position here, I am suddenly caught between my heart and my family.”

  Bethany set down her half-eaten chocolate and folded her hands.

  “That is a difficult place to be.” Her expression shadowed. “I am someone who knows that very well.” She smiled tenderly.

  “Yes, and that is why I feel I can confide in you, even though it might be difficult since you are my employer.” She winced. Bethany nodded for her to go on. “These past months I have fallen in love with—” Mrs. Tilton’s condemning face transposed on her daughter’s and, even though it was her imagination, she didn’t dare mention Alex.

  She mustn’t consider Alex. Not with Coffey’s threat.

  Her choice was between two bright fractals, not three.

  “A particular man in Castle Gate. But the place bears so much regret, I can’t possibly stay there. Now an old family friend, my brother’s best friend actually, waltzed into town and is begging me to come back to Boston with him. Partly by my parents’ request, but partly because we both had feelings for each other before I met Jack.”

  Bethany slouched and leaned back on the settee. “My, my.” What did she truly think? Was Leanna out of place coming here?

  “I am sorry,” Leanna mumbled. Humiliation was becoming a regular visitor to her cheeks. She suddenly felt exposed, uncertain that this was the best way to vet her circumstances. “I would never have come to you, but you are my only friend, to be quite honest. And I know that you made the choice to leave your family’s religion for love and conviction—”

  “Oh, Leanna. I understand. Please, do not justify yourself. This is a matter of your happiness. I will not be so persuasive to guilt you into a position in my household.” She laughed as she said, “I am no queen.”

  Leanna sighed with relief.

  Bethany’s smile faded into a determined look. “I will confess something that I have not told a single soul.” She looked around the room and then into the foyer and the rest of the house. “I followed my husband purely for love. To speak in truth, I was rather lukewarm about the whole religion thing. It was only after we married that I accepted this new religion as my own. But you have done quite the opposite of me. Your conviction about your beliefs as well as love had you cast off your family. You have a strong sense of self, Leanna. It would be a pity for you to follow only your heart, or just your head. You need to go where you are loved and appreciated for who you are.”

  “Those are very wise words, Bethany,” Leanna said softly. All her insecurity fell away and she knew that at least Bethany affirmed what she had known to be true.

  “Let me ask you this. What holds you back from each option?”

  “In Boston, I will be comfortable and adored. Yet I am still leery that my parents will not accept me for who I am now.” But as James’s wife, did they have a say at all? She could find employment in Boston. Still teach children, join a humanitarian society, and find happiness as James’s wife—eventually. She was attracted to him, but did she love him? “And then, here, I will have my mind to keep me busy, and while my heart will surely grow fond of your family, romance will be put on hold for a while.”

  “And Castle Gate?” Bethany lifted a brow. She had mentioned that, hadn’t she?

  “Well, that is hardly an option at all. It is Castle Gate. There are p
eople that I love very much, and people who make life miserable there.” Just like she had made life miserable for Jack, too.

  What was it about that tumultuous piece of Price Canyon that could harbor such a cauldron of emotion?

  “Well, those are strong points all around.” Her eyes sparkled deviously. “But you know, there are quite a few single men here also.” She shrugged her shoulders and winked. Leanna’s stomach only soured, even if she appeared to jest. Her heart was sagging from all the pressure.

  “Oh, look at you. You’ve gone green. I am teasing, Leanna. Like I said before, you must decide for your heart and your mind.” Bethany swatted at her lap playfully. “In all seriousness, it sounds to me that you should go where you can be yourself. All of yourself. And while I might find disappointment in your decision, I will be happy for you regardless.” She leaned in and hugged her.

  “Thank you, Bethany. I will let you know very soon.”

  “Let us have some tea before you leave.” She bustled down the hall, returning in no time with her tray.

  During her visit, Leanna became more acquainted with Tommy. The truth was clear that she’d find employment here to be a pleasant opportunity—one with a loving family and a decent dwelling to live in. But she would feel like an outsider for the most part—an old spinster, even if she was twenty-two. Her loneliness might not be so abundant here, but it would be quite obvious in a different sort of way.

  She hadn’t felt that way with the Pappas family. The Greek family embraced her even if she was quite different. Loneliness was squelched there. No matter how she scraped her brain for a flaw at the thought of the Pappas family, she could only find one—the risk that would lurk about if she followed her heart to Alex’s arms again.

  If she was to follow her heart and her mind, without the threat of loneliness and worse, she knew of only one choice.

  After saying her good-byes to Bethany and Tommy, she spied the carriage waiting for her just as James had said—at three o’clock on the dot. Every corner of her being thirsted for air and courage. She breathed deeply with each step, her pulse in a fury and her thoughts racing.