by Lisa Simmons
"I'm sorry! I didn't know how to tell you," I said, feeling weak and stupid. He was one hundred percent right in every way. I don't know what I had been trying to accomplish by not telling him, but it was clearly backfiring on me right now.
"Anything would have been better than this," he grumbled.
"I know," I repeated. "Reece, I'm just so scared for what they'll do to you. Jack was pretty clear that he will do anything to get me back and he's actually threatened you a few times now."
My heart beat harder in my chest, fear coursing through me at the mere thought of them hurting Reece. I was terrified Reece would strike first now that he knew and run straight to the fight I was desperately trying to stop.
"I'd like to see him try something," he scoffed derisively.
"What are you gonna do?" I asked, my sanity hinging on his answer to the question.
"About what? Your pathetic ex-boyfriend and his new BFF?" he said sarcastically, not a hint of fear in his voice while mine was laden with it.
"Yes," I said shakily.
"Nothing," he said. My body collapsed with relief before he spoke again. "Unless they talk to you again. I won't have them talking to you, Abby, especially not like that since it clearly scares you so much."
Despite the nervous thudding of my heart, a warm glow enveloped it at his protective nature. He made me feel so safe that I never doubted his intentions to keep me from harm even if it meant putting himself in the way. That was what scared me. That was exactly what I was afraid of.
"Reece, please don't," I begged. "I don't want you to get hurt."
"For fuck's sake, Abby, I'm not gonna get hurt," he said exasperatedly. "I won't have to confront them unless they talk to you again."
I prayed internally that they would let it go and wouldn't approach me anymore, but I knew deep down that wouldn't be the case. The determination in both Jack and Samuel' words and actions scared me, and it wasn't something I saw them just dropping.
"I'm only saying that because I care about you, Reece," I said softly, hoping to get through to him. He had taken my fear of him getting hurt as an insult or doubt of his abilities, not the simple fear of anything bad happening to him. Just as he was protective of me, I was protective of him.
His features softened just slightly as he absorbed my words, and his body relaxed. I tentatively reached forward to place my hands on his sides and let my thumbs run gently across his steaming skin.
"It's because I love you, Reece," I said, the words still feeling dangerous on my tongue but one hundred percent true. I waited with bated breath for his reaction. He studied me closely, his narrowed eyes burning into mine before he sighed and leaned forward. His arms uncrossed from his chest and he let them slide onto my knees again.
"I know, Abby."
I watched him closely, my brow pulled down similarly to his. I hated that we were fighting when we should have been laughing, kissing, cuddling, and who knows what else. What should have been a night of enjoying each others' company and, judging by what we'd done in the shower, each others' bodies, had turned into a tense evening filled with fighting and resentment. My heart ached at the thought because it was all avoidable if I hadn't been too scared to tell him all of this in the first place.
"I do love you, Reece," I said again, wishing he had said it back rather than just acknowledging my statement.
"I love you, too," he said. His voice sounded heavy, though, and not at all how I would have liked. He still had a hint of anger and resignation to his posture, and I knew he wasn't over the fight we'd just had.
"I'm sorry," I whispered. I was suddenly exhausted, the fight draining me of any conviction. I didn't care about being right or wrong, I just wanted us to go back to how we had been only an hour ago. I wanted Reece to smile at me, to touch me without looking like it pained him, to hold me and kiss me before we went to bed. I felt cold inside without Reece's gentle touch or his careful gaze.
"It'll be okay, Abby. Not right now, but it will be okay."
His voice was tired as he ran his hand over his face, pulling his touch from me and adding to the cold I felt inside. I watched with pained eyes as he let his hand fall, his gaze returning to mine. The intensity had diminished but the burn it usually held when he looked at me was gone. My heart ached.
"Let's go to bed," he said wearily. He didn't wait for my response as he shifted out from beneath me to lie under the covers. I was surprised he hadn't asked me to go home, but pleased nonetheless. At least there was that. I was even more surprised when he held out his arm, beckoning me into his arms where I usually settled.
I laid down tentatively, my arm winding around his torso and my head resting on his shoulder. A flash of disappointment struck when he didn't make any effort to hold me to him. His arm stayed laid out on the bed and he didn't curl into me the way he usually did, but I tried to focus on the fact that he'd offered his body at all.
I pressed my lips gingerly into his skin before laying my head back down. I fought back the sting of tears I felt, determined not to cry even though it was difficult. It hurt feeling this way, so physically close to him but emotionally so far away. He felt like he was in a completely different world, stuck in his head and blocked by the anger he surely still felt toward me.
The fact that he'd let me stay despite everything that just happened was the only thing holding me together. I couldn't even bring myself to attempt to make myself feel better because I knew it was all my fault. All I could do was wait and give him time to think, absorb, and, hopefully, get over everything I had told him.
The fear I had felt earlier still lingered, and I was unable to shake the terrifying thought of Jack and Samuel hurting Reece. I squeezed his chest in my arms despite his lack of reaction, the heat of his body comforting me even though he was mentally gone.
"I love you," I whispered quietly. I waited for him to say it back, but was greeted with nothing but silence.
He just didn't hear you, I told myself.
But deep down, I knew he had heard.
He had just chosen not to say it back.
"I'll look after you like I've never done before; I'll keep all the others from knocking at your door."
Chapter 43
I couldn't tell what was worse: the horrible, gut-wrenching ache I'd felt the time I had told Reece I didn't want him, or twisted, mangled knot I felt in my stomach now when I was pressed against his body as he made no effort to hold me. I was physically so close to him, but mentally, I had never been farther. He might has well have been in an entire different town for all I was getting from him. I knew he wasn't sleeping; his breath remained steady and faster than it was when he slept. He didn't move when I cuddled closer to him, attempting to cut through the void that had appeared between us.
It was like an invisible wall held him from me, sliding between our closely packed bodies and shutting down any emotional transference that might have happened. He was angry, so angry with me for lying to him, and I still couldn't bring myself to blame him, despite the crushing weight that had settled over my body.
My attempt at taking a deep breath was halted by the stinging ache in my chest as my body rebelled against me. The air I sucked desperately into my lungs sounded shaky, my lungs rejecting it as if poison had been laced into the oxygen. I wasn't aware of it, but my grip around Reece's chest had grown, if possible, even tighter as I clung to him. My desperate physical actions hinted at the emotional turmoil I was experiencing at the apparent loss of any emotional connection.
I knew it was only temporary and that he would come back to me eventually, but right now it felt like this would never end. I felt like I was stuck in the soundless vacuum that not only sucked the emotion from him, but extinguished the desperately burning fire that seemed to be constant with us. The muscles in my heart clenched pitifully at the realization; the continual burn that had drawn me to him the moment I laid eyes on him, the blaze that had only grown more and more by the passing day,
had been reduced to a dim pile of embers, if not completely gone out.
My chest shook as I attempted to soothe myself, but I knew it was futile. I couldn't calm myself down because I knew I deserved to feel like this; I deserved to feel the dreadfully empty ache that followed his silence. The silence that had followed my confession of love to him, the one that haunted me now, seemed to be pounding in my head. It was more than a sound, it was an overwhelming, all-consuming pressure that enveloped me, weighing on my body and holding me down.
It throbbed through my brain and suffocated my breathing, destroying me slowly as I begged the memory to change. I begged to hear him return the feelings, or even just to acknowledge me. A single word from him would have soothed the black hole expanding in my chest, the black hole that was quickly engulfing much of my insides as it sucked in every bit of warmth I had felt earlier.
I wanted nothing more than to reach up to his face, run my fingers across his jaw and have him smile at me like he had only hours ago. I wanted him to pretend to pout when I called him cute or to smirk at me whenever I did something he found amusing. I wanted him to kiss me and call me baby and whisper words in my ears. I didn't care what- any words would be better than this crushing silence we were shattering under now.
I knew I would spend the entirety of this night awake, lingering in the cold silence until morning came. I didn't know how long it would take him to forgive me; the first few fights we'd had had been completely passion driven and hadn't even made it a day before we'd caved to each other. The only real test to our relationship had gone horrifically, both of us cowering from pain we had inflicted on each other, although that had been different.
Hours had passed, and I had no idea what time it was. A tear slipped from my eye, and I made no attempt to stop it. I was too drained, mentally, emotionally, and physically, to bother trying to halt it's progress. A wet streak trailed down my cheek before it pooled onto his shoulder, and I knew he would feel it. My decision to let it be caused a sudden doubt to flood through me, and I thought maybe I shouldn't have let him know I was crying.
It was too late now, however. Once the tear had fallen, it was as if a gate had been broken and countless more slipped from my eyes. I sniffed pitifully before finally bringing my fingertips to my cheeks to try and stem the flow. My breathing rattled in my chest as I struggled even more to take a breath, the sudden tears choking me and closing my burning throat. Fingers brushed clumsily at my cheeks as they shook, the aching knot in my throat expanding and taking over even more of me as I struggled to control myself.
Before I knew what I was doing, I shoved myself off his chest, my tears staining his skin in a little puddle of wetness as I tried not to look at him. His eyes were closed, but I knew he was awake. He made no move to stop me as I pulled myself from the bed, which despite the physical warmth felt cold and lonely. I might as well have been lying there alone for all I felt.
My feet hit the wooden floor, stumbling clumsily as I wiped at my eyes again before I managed to force them to carry me out the door. The hinges creaked slightly as I let myself slip out. My ears strained for a protest that wouldn't come, praying to hear his voice stop me from leaving.
Not that I was physically able to leave, however, because the pain I felt from our fight had clearly taken over my coordination. I tripped over my own feet before catching myself against the wall, and I soon found myself in the kitchen. Once I was away from the overwhelming pressure of the silence that had surrounded us, I could hear the rattling breaths that ripped from my chest. I could hear the way my blood flooded through my ears, the whooshing of it making me feel dizzy.
I shouldn't be feeling like this. I shouldn't be feeling like I was absolutely falling apart when he was so close to me. I was being irrational, pitiful, selfish, and desperately pessimistic, but I couldn't help it. I knew he would eventually forgive me and we would go back to how we were, but at the moment it seemed impossible.
I felt like he was lost to me.
The sobs that I had managed to subdue in his bedroom broke through at the though, the strangled cry wrenching from my throat as I finally gave in to the agony of what I was feeling. It was only one fight, but here I was completely losing it in his kitchen while he determinedly ignored me. Tears flowed freely down my cheeks as my hands shook uselessly in front of my chest. I knew he'd be able to hear me, but I couldn't stop the guttural sounds escaping my throat.
Each sob I let loose was like a desperate plea for Reece to forgive me. I didn't know how long it would take him, but I knew each and every second would be devastatingly painful. No matter how much it hurt, though, I knew it would be worth it in the end when he eventually forgave me.
I already loved him so much that I willingly would deal with this as long as it took if meant we would be together in the end.
Reece's POV
Abigail's tears still wet the skin on my chest as I lay wide awake in bed and listened to her cry in the kitchen. The momentary flash of panic that had risen when I thought she was actually leaving my house had quickly been subdued when I heard her crashing through the hall, finally breaking down somewhere along the way.
Each sob she let loose was like a dagger straight to my heart, because I knew I was the reason she was hurting right now. I didn't want her to feel this way, but I was still so angry with her. I didn't want to risk forgiving her too soon and end up saying something I didn't mean and would regret. I didn't want to hurt her even more by moving on from this too soon.
She had lied to me and broken the promise we had made. The sting I had felt when she finally revealed the whole truth of it had hurt much worse than I would have imagined. Every word she spoke had hurt more than the previous until she had shredded me inside.
I knew she had only done it to try and protect me and that her intentions had been good, but it still hurt that she didn't trust me enough to tell me all she'd been dealing with on her own. I was far more concerned with her hiding things from me than the actual content of what she'd been hiding.
Frankly, I didn't give a fuck about what Samuel and Jack were up to. They didn't scare me, and I knew if it did come down to a fight, I would be fine. Despite what we were going through right now, Abigail was mine and I was more than willing to do whatever it took to keep her. This was just a rough patch we would get through- that I was extremely confident of.
I got the sense that she knew she was in the wrong here, the way she had told me and not argued almost at all hinting toward this assumption. The fact that she knew she was wrong made it easier, because it gave me the power to decide when we would move on. I knew, right now, at this very moment, she would take me back in her arms at the slightest word from me.
The more I thought about it, the less angry I felt. It was like every sob she gave lodged at the wall I had built up, tearing it down faster than it had appeared tonight. She shouldn't have lied to me and she should have trusted me to react appropriately, but she'd done it for me. I could understand her motivation even if I wished she hadn't done it the way she had.
The tight, cold grip on my heart loosened a little as I talked myself down. When she had been lying with me earlier, I hadn't been able to bring myself to hold her or to reassure her it would be all right. I couldn't bring myself to kiss her or hug her or comfort her in anyway, and I hated myself for that. I was selfish, rejecting her coldly. Even though she was in the wrong, she didn't deserve that.
When she'd said she'd loved me, I'd pretended not to hear. The very second I didn't say it back, I regretted it. Of course I still loved her, and I didn't ever want her to doubt that, which was probably exactly what she was doing right now. She was probably stuck in the kitchen, talking herself into thinking I didn't actually love her.
She had fucked up and lied to me, but that didn't mean I didn't love her.
I listened closely as I heard another sob wrack her body, the pain she was feeling shifting easily to me. It was like I was right there, hurting with her, and
I wanted to take away what she was feeling. I didn't want her to hurt anymore, didn't want her to be sad, and most of all, didn't want her to doubt that I still loved her.
I felt cold here without her, the fire that always burned inside me when she was near dimmed immensely. Now, as I felt myself quickly forgiving her as my urge to comfort her grew stronger, the flame flickered a little stronger back to life. My heart gave a painful squeeze in my chest as yet another sob drifted through the air before slamming into my body.
Before I could stop myself, I was sitting up in bed and standing. Just as she had seemed surprised by her actions, I was as well. My feet moved of their own accord as they carried me down the hall, my steps much slower and smoother than hers had been. I neared quietly, ears perking for the tiniest sound from her.
She sniffled quietly, the sound loud in the silent house. A deep, shuddering breath was sucked between her lips as I neared the corner. I could picture her easily in my mind, leaning against the counter with her hands holding her face. Slowly, I peered around the corner, the sight before my eyes nearly exactly what I had pictured.
She stood with her back to me as she leaned against the counter, one hand hanging by her side as it shook slightly. Her other hand was fidgeted around her face, touching what exactly I couldn't tell but refusing to stay still. I moved noiselessly behind her, the sounds of her crying drowning out my nearly silent footsteps.
I didn't say anything to her before sliding my arms around her shoulders, my hands locking onto my forearms as I pulled her against me. Her hands responded immediately, rising to grip my forearms tightly. She leaned back against me and a heavy half sigh, half sob ripped from her throat. I could feel her entire body shaking, and I suddenly forgot why I had been mad at her in the first place.
Surely she could never do something that constituted her feeling like this.
