Heaven Cent

by Piers Anthony

  "You knew Esk," Dolph said after a bit. "Why did he stop adventuring and take up with that creature from the gourd?"

  "I was part of his adventure," Marrow said somewhat stiffly. "I see no call to disparage my origin."

  "I didn't mean you, bonehead! I meant Bria Brassy."

  "We are both creatures of the gourd," Marrow said, unmollified. It was not easy to hurt the feelings of someone as hardheaded as a walking skeleton, but evidently Dolph had managed it. He realized that he had been undiplomatic. Marrow was basically a good guy, and there was no reason to get him upset.

  Dolph pondered, and finally came to a very awkward conclusion: he would have to apologize. That was one of the stupid things adults did, and Marrow was an adult. Sometimes it was necessary to cater to the foibles of adults, no matter how pointless it seemed.

  "Marrow, I'm sorry if I insulted you," Dolph said. "I know you're from the gourd, and you're okay. I meant to say that the brassy girl was the dumb one, and Esk was dumb for taking up with her. She probably bosses him around as bad as Ivy does me."

  The hollow eye sockets of the skull turned to glance at him. "You are sensitive to being told what to do?"

  "Well sure! Nobody likes having dumb girls boss him around all the time!"

  "Then I think I misunderstood the thrust of your remark," Marrow said. "I may have taken offense erroneously, and I apologize to you for that."

  "Hey, you can't apologize to me! I was apologizing to you!"

  "Sometimes it is possible to exchange apologies. But let me explain something about the gourd, and about women. There are many creatures of the gourd, and they are unlike the creatures of regular Xanth because they are animated by magic, but they do have duties and feelings too. It is not fair to dismiss them merely because they reside in a world that is unlike yours."

  "Yeah, I guess so," Dolph said contritely.

  "Similarly, women are in certain respects like another species, and men can have difficulty understanding them. But they too have duties and feelings, and should not be lightly dismissed. Bria Brassy is a fine woman, and an excellent match for Esk Ogre, and he is a better man because he recognized that."

  "But that mush stuff—ugh! I saw him in the Tapestry, kissing her."

  "In time you will understand why adults derive pleasure from such activity."

  "Never!" Dolph swore.

  Marrow did not reply, but he seemed to be smiling.

  "Would you kiss a girl?" Dolph asked challengingly.

  "I fear a living girl would not appreciate such a gesture on my part."

  "Well, a bone girl, then?"

  "Oh, yes, if she liked me, though we of the skeletal persuasion have other ways to interact. However, that is academic, as I am the only one of my kind out here in the outer realm."

  Dolph realized that Marrow, though he was an interesting fellow, was nevertheless still an adult, with those peculiar adult attitudes. He refused to condemn mushy stuff. It was a good thing there were no female skeletons here!

  After a time, Dolph got tired of walking. But he realized that he would be just as tired in animal form too. He had been able to fly before because only his legs had been tired, but now his arms were sore. This was an aspect of adventuring he hadn't thought about, when he watched the Tapestry.

  "Perhaps—" Marrow started.

  "Yeah, maybe it's time to rest," Dolph agreed.

  "—I could carry you. I do not tire, and if you were to assume a small form—"

  "Great!" Dolph became a dormouse. Marrow put down his hand, and Dolph scrambled up to his bony shoulder. Marrow bent to pick up Dolph's pack of belongings. It was much better traveling this way; now he could rest while still making progress toward the Isle of Illusion.

  In due course the enchanted path petered out. It seemed that very few folk cared to travel this far. Progress slowed, because although Marrow's bones were tireless, it was slower to forge through the encroaching wilderness than along a cleared path. Now they had to weave around the more dangerous plants, such as tangle trees, and to watch out for dragons’ lairs. Dolph wasn't really afraid of such things, because he knew he could transform into something to fight off any obnoxious plant or animal. But it was better to stay out of trouble and save his magic for true emergencies.

  They came to a river. Marrow merely started to forge through it, but then he hesitated. "Something is gnawing at my leg bones," he said. Sure enough, there were dogfish under the surface, and more coming. Marrow quickly retreated to the shore. He did not suffer pain, but it would have been inconvenient for him to lose a leg bone, and the slowness of his motion in deep water would give the fish plenty of time to work at it. Dogfish liked to carry away their bones and bury them in deep muck.

  Back on shore, Dolph assumed boy form. "I'll become the roc and carry you across," he said. "My flying muscles are stiff, but I can do that much."

  "The flying room is limited," Marrow pointed out. "You would have trouble both taking off and landing, because the trees come right up to the edge of the water.”

  All too true. "I could become a big fish—"

  "I fear the pack of dogfish would attack you. No, I think I shall have to facilitate my own crossing. Kick me, and I shall become a bone line that anchors to a branch on the far side. Then you may fly across in small bird form and haul me in from that side."

  That seemed sensible to Dolph. He became the ogre, and delivered a tremendous kick to the skeleton's hipbone. Marrow flew apart, and reformed as a string of bones that extended across the river. One bone hand at the end caught and grasped the branch of a tree, while the other caught the projecting root of a tree on the near side.

  Dolph, about to change to bird form, remembered his sore wing muscles. It didn't matter what size bird he was; those same muscles would hurt. He looked at the bone line, and had a notion. He could cross on that!

  He became the dormouse and scrambled up along the line of bones. He was surefooted in this form, and had no fear of falling. If he did fall, he would simply change to bird form and fly; better a sore muscle than a dunking in the river!

  "I suspect—" the skull in the center began as he approached it.

  "I'll be across in a moment," Dolph replied. Because he was in mouse form, this emerged as a series of squeaks that the skeleton probably couldn't understand. All human languages were the same in Xanth, but each species had its own language, and few creatures spoke the languages of other species. Marrow, being a human skeleton, spoke human, and most of the human variants, such as elves, goblins, nymphs, and centaurs spoke it too. Ogres also spoke it, but they tended to be so gruff that they could not be understood, except for those who had direct human ancestry.

  "—that you should hurry," Marrow continued.

  Dolph was in no trouble, but he couldn't actually run on the bone line; he had to keep careful hold on the bones. "Why?" he squeaked.

  "Because a harpy is coming," Marrow concluded.

  Oops! Harpies were bad news. Not only were they female, they were ugly, and nasty, and hungry. A harpy would snatch up a dormouse just like that, and gobble it down instantly.

  Could he make it across before the harpy arrived? Dolph paused to look, and saw the foul creature coming. She was flapping heavily with her gross wings, a clumsy flier; he could outrace her to the forest, where he could change. He didn't want to have to change in midstream; that could get complicated, and he might wind up yanking Marrow apart.

  He scooted for the end of the line. The harpy definitely saw him; she veered to intercept him. Her foul odor preceded her; what an awful stench!

  "I'll get you, you fine feculent mouse!" she screeched. Her voice was as unpleasant as her smell.

  He made it to the end just as her dirty glistening talons snatched at him. He flung his arms around the trunk of the tree to which Marrow's hand attached, and became the ogre. "Me think she stink!" he growled.

  "Oops! Didn't see you, pretty-face!" she screeched. "Where's the mouse?"

  "Me mouse, she
louse!" Dolph retorted. Evidently she did not realize that he was a form changer.

  "You took my mouse, I'll take your bones!" she screeched. Her talons closed on the bone line, and she gave a tremendous yank. Marrow's fingers were wrenched from the branch they had clung to. His hand swung down to touch the water, dangling helplessly. The members of the pack of dogfish forged toward it. "Oh no you don't, fish-face!" the harpy screeched as a dogfish snapped at a bone finger. "These bones are mine to crack open!" She flapped upward, hauling the bone line after her.

  Crack open? Marrow was in trouble! He could not reassemble himself; he had to be helped, and the harpy certainly wouldn't do that. It was up to Dolph to save him.

  He became a small flying dragon. This gave him room enough to fly well, because he was not nearly as big as the roc, but also gave him fighting strength, because dragons were about as savage as anything. He launched himself at the harpy.

  She saw him and did a messy double take. "A dragon!" she screeched. "Where did that come from? Help, sisters!"

  Immediately there was an answering chorus of shrieks. The other harpies were coming! He had to get the bone line away from this one before they arrived.

  He flew at the harpy, but she would not let go of the line. Harpies were very good at snatching, but no good at letting go. He sent a jet of fire at her, but she ducked it and kept flying. A real dragon probably could have speared her with a single lance of fire, but Dolph was clumsy at it, and his fire wasn't very hot anyway.

  He closed his own talons on the middle of the line where the skull was. He pulled back on it, trying to snap the end out of the harpy's grasp. Still she would not let go.

  "I fear you will pull me apart," Marrow said. "That would be unfortunate, for if I lost some of my bones—"

  Dolph was sure it would be bad. Meanwhile, the other harpies were arriving, each worse than the others. They would soon pull Marrow apart! What could he do?

  "Perhaps some smoke," Marrow's skull said.

  Smoke! Dolph became a flying smoker dragon. It was a rare species, but he could become anything, rare or common. He inhaled, building up a bellyful of smoke. Then he breathed out a smoke screen that would have done credit to a real smoker. It formed a cloud that enveloped the bone line and the harpy at its end. He heard her coughing; she did not like the smoke. It was probably too clean for her.

  "She has let go," Marrow's skull said. "Haul me away!"

  Dolph clung to the line and took off into the sky. But this carried him away from the cloud of smoke. The flock of harpies spied him and wheeled in the air to commence the pursuit. They wanted those bones! They screeched curses at him as they flew. Dolph was glad that his dragon form did not properly understand the human language, because his metallic ears were flushing. Those flappers had fowl mouths!

  "Sticks and stones will break my bones," Marrow's skull remarked philosophically, "but names will never hurt me." Nevertheless, there seemed to be a slight flush even on the bone.

  Dolph flew as fast as he could, the line dangling down and back. Marrow could not change back until kicked, and Dolph couldn't do that until he landed and changed form. He had to get away from the dirty birds!

  But that seemed impossible. The harpies were ranged behind, not catching up but not falling back either. They would close the gap the moment Dolph tried to land, and might snatch away the flying bones when he kicked them. That was no good!

  Maybe he could lose them in the deep forest. He veered to the east, where a forested mountain rose.

  And the harpies fell back. Dolph had to glance back several times to be sure that his dragon's eyes weren't getting confused, but there was no doubt: they were no longer following. They were hovering hi the air above an invisible line.

  "You'll be soo-ry!" they screeched in unison.

  Dolph made a questioning growl. Marrow understood his query. "Evidently something bars them from this region," he said. "But this forest seems harmless, and certainly better than getting my bones cracked by those awful creatures. Find a landing place, and we can resume our trek on foot."

  Dolph angled down. He searched, but found no suitable place for a dragon to land.

  "You may drop me, then change to a smaller form," Marrow said. "The fall should not damage me."

  Dolph located a small clearing, let go the line, then changed to hawk form and dived down after them. They reached the ground together. Then he resumed ogre form, picked up the line, bunched it together, and gave a big kick.

  The bones flew up and out, and landed back in Marrow's familiar skeleton form. "That is a relief!” he said. "I can not be harmed by many things, but bone chewing and bone cracking will do it. The harpies would have eaten out my essence."

  "That's what I thought," Dolph said. He was more shaken by the experience than he cared to admit. Those harpies were vicious creatures, so full of malevolence. Their example even made him inclined to wash behind his ears, because the harpies had ears almost as dirty as their mouths.

  They decided to proceed afoot over the mountain, so that the watching harpies could not intercept them in the air. At least they were across the river!

  Except for one thing: Dolph's knapsack with his clothing and supplies was on the far side. He chose not to speak of this inconvenience, because he knew it was pointless to face the harpies again.

  Dolph remained in ogre form, because this was a strange region and he believed this form was safer. Hardly anyone in his right mind ever bothered an ogre, and even those in there wrong minds were apt to regret it. There were stories about foolish goblins attacking ogres and getting hurled so far that some were still lost behind the sun, getting terribly hot from its flames. Sometimes a large tangle tree would tackle one; there were still some twisted stumps with their tentacles tied in massive ogre knots. Dolph couldn't do such things, of course, because he wasn't a real ogre, but who else would know that?

  He looked around. For a wilderness area, this was amazingly nice. The ground was even under the trees, and there were no bad bramble bushes. They stopped for a drink at a lovely little brook whose water was sparklingly clear. It was like a park—where no park should be.

  Dolph lay down and put his ogre snoot to the water. But just then there was a horrendous scream from upstream. Startled, he jumped up, and Marrow cocked an ear hole.

  The forest was silent. Dolph shrugged and lay down again, ready to drink—and again the scream sounded, worse than before, and closer. It sounded vaguely female, and less vaguely menacing. But nothing appeared, and the forest was undisturbed.

  Dolph decided that he had better get his drink before the thing reached them and attacked, forcing them to fight or flee. A real ogre wouldn't know how to flee, of course, which was apt to make things awkward: if Dolph had to flee, his masquerade would be exposed. He got down a third time and put his ugly ogre puss to the water.

  This time the scream was almost on top of them. A huge bear burst into view, its fur wild. "That's my water!" it screamed. "You can't have it! Get out, get out, get out!"

  A talking bear? Dolph scrambled back to his feet. An ogre could smash a bear, but he was not a real ogre and hesitated to try violence. So he tried to reason with it. "Me want drink; what he think?" Ogres had trouble with pronouns, so me, he and she were about the number they could manage.

  The bear pointed to the brook. Instantly the water turned color, becoming smoky. "You drink, ogre, you die! Now it is poison!"

  How could a bear poison a brook without touching it? But the water certainly looked dangerous now!

  Marrow poked a bone finger into the water. The bone changed color. "Yes, it is poison," he said. "This must be a vila in bear form."

  Dolph wanted to ask what a vila was, but to do that he had either to figure out a suitable rhyme, or change to boy form. He couldn't do the first at the moment, and hesitated to do the second while facing a dangerous animal. So he just stood there stupidly, which was easy to do in ogre form.

  "Yes, I am Vida Vila, and this is my fo
rest!" the bear said. "You are intruders! No ogres or skeletons allowed here! Get out before I do something to you."

  Vida? That sounded female. But it still sounded vile—or vila, as the case might be.

  “We are merely passing through," Marrow said. "My companion only wants one drink; then we shall cross on out of your territory."

  "Get out! Get out! Get out!" the bear screamed.

  "Well, if you feel that way," Marrow said. He turned to Dolph. "How do you feel about it?"

  Dolph would have been glad to get out. But he didn't want to go back to where the harpies lurked, and he did not want to move straight on to the Isle of Illusion, which was farther in the direction they had been going. Also, he was very thirsty; even the thought of not having a drink made him crave it more. "Me think me drink," he said.

  "You drink, you stink!" the bear screamed. "You'll die and I'll use your corpse for fertilizer for my flowers!"

  That notion did not appeal either. Dolph looked at Marrow for help.

  "I suspect—" the skeleton began.

  "Get out! Get out! Get out!" the bear screamed.

  "—that we shall have to chop her tree down," Marrow concluded.

  The bear screamed, the same way as originally, but more so. Evidently Marrow's threat really bothered it. It strode toward the skeleton, but Marrow merely ran uphill, eluding it.

  "The tree should be at the top of the mountain," the skeleton called back to Dolph. "When we find it, I shall assume the configuration of an axe, and you can use me to chop it."

  "You win! You win! You win!" the bear screamed. "Spare my tree!"

  Marrow paused. "You will unpoison the water and let my friend Prince Dolph drink safely?"

  "Prince Dolph?" the bear asked, amazed.

  "Yes. He is on a Quest, and I am his companion. We never did intend any harm to you; we just want to drink and move on."

  The bear disappeared. In its place stood a lovely young woman whose curly reddish-brown hair fell in waves to her feet. Her clothing was fashioned from green leaves magically fastened together. "Why didn't you say so before?" she asked.

  "You didn't ask," Marrow said. He tended to be literal. "Now the water, if you please."