Heaven Cent

by Piers Anthony

  "No."

  "Well, you count to three together and throw out a paw. Two claws means fire, because they represent the flames leaping up. The whole paw flat means water, because it lies flat. The paw balled up is sand, because it is a ball of it; you can't make a ball from fire or water."

  "I guess so," Dolph said. "But what can you do with fire, water and sand? Make a bonfire on the beach?"

  "It's symbolic. You put out your paws together, and each person has his paw signifying one of the three. That's how you get your winner: fire evaporates water, water covers sand, and sand smothers fire. So there's always a winner and a loser, unless you both put out the same symbol; then you just do it over."

  "Fire beats water, and water beats sand, and sand beats fire," Dolph said, catching on. "But how can you be sure of winning?"

  "That's the point: you can't. So it's a fair contest; nobody knows who will win a throw. That's how we decided who would have the two firewater opals: one throw. I threw fire and he threw water, so I won. But then that cheater, he tried to claim he had won! He demanded that I give him my opal! The audacity of it! When I informed him that he had it backwards, he grabbed me and pulled me under the surface of the sea, trying to drown me and take the gem by force. Can you imagine? He was the worst loser I ever met!"

  "But I guess you didn't drown," Dolph said. "How did you get out of it?"

  "He didn't know I could swim," Draco said. "It seems some folk are ignorant about that; they think firedrakes are afraid of water, just as others think merfolk can't walk on land. We stay clear of sea water because we don't like to get our wings soiled with salt; it takes forever to clean that out. But we can do it if we have to. Sometimes we're hungry, and the only thing available is saltwater fish; sometimes there's something under the water we just have to have. Sometimes we just spin out of control in a storm; then it is best to be over water, so we can make a splash landing and not get hurt. So when Merwin grabbed me like that, at first I was so amazed at his effrontery that I didn't even struggle. But when he grabbed for my opal—I had it in a pouch on a chain around my neck, ready to give it up if I lost the throw—I put my snoot in his face and toasted him at point-blank range. Then I grabbed his opal, which I had won, and swam to the surface, and took off for home. It took me days to get the salt out, and my eyes were bleary from it, but at least I had what belonged to me. To this day I still can't figure why he was such a bad loser; he had seemed to be a decent fellow, for a merman, before that moment. Had he just played by the rules, he would have lost his opal, but not his life."

  "Mela thinks you just attacked him and stole the opal," Dolph said. "She thinks you're a rogue dragon."

  "There were no witnesses to the event, so I suppose she can think what she pleases. But I have told it as it happened. I threw fire, he threw water, plain as two days. I am absolutely sure of that, as I am of his bad attitude. That gem is mine!"

  But something was nibbling at Dolph's memory. "Mela— she said something—I think it was just a saying she used— about fire and water. 'Sure as water douses fire'—something like that. I wonder—"

  "That's backwards!" Draco growled. "I told you, fire evaporates water. Every time. You breathe fire on it and it heats and turns into steam and it's gone. When I come home and drip on the nest, I dry it out by heating it a little."

  "But maybe to a merperson, who lives in water, it would seem the other way," Dolph said. "I remember something else she said, about sand displacing water—"

  "That's backwards, too! Water covers sand! I'd heard that merfolk were addle-brained, and this proves it!"

  "Maybe so," Dolph said uncertainly. "And there was something else she said, but mostly I remember her legs. When she turned her tail into legs, they were really quite nice."

  "I dare say they would be delicious," Draco agreed, licking his chops. "Plenty of meat on them?"

  "Just the right amount, I think."

  "I'm hungry already!"

  "Back at Castle Roogna my mother said boys weren't supposed to see girls' panties. But this was all right, because she wasn't wearing any panties."

  "Right. The cloth catches on the teeth. That can be messy. Girls are best without panties."

  "But what I was trying to remember—Ah, now I have it! Fire melts sand, she said. So you know, they—"

  "All backwards!" Draco exclaimed. "What idiots! They think fire melts sand, sand displaces water, and water douses—" He broke off. "Uh-oh."

  "I wonder whether they play that game the same way?" Dolph asked innocently. "Backwards?"

  "Suddenly I very much fear they do! So that when I threw fire and Merwin threw water—"

  "You mean he really did think he won?"

  Draco snorted out a fierce jet of fire. "Oh, my," he hissed. "I wish I'd understood! We could have discussed the rules, gotten them straight . . ." He trailed off, his words fading into thoughts.

  "When I get back, I'll tell her about the misunderstanding. Maybe that will make her feel better."

  Draco choked on smoke. "Uh, maybe I have a better idea," he gasped. "I will give you the firewater opal to return to her. You need say nothing about the misunderstanding."

  "Oh, sure! That's nice of you! But won't that ruin your set?"

  "Some prices need to be paid," the dragon said. "Perhaps she needs to find another husband more than I need a set."

  The rest of the flight was uneventful. Dolph snoozed, because he was young and got sleepy at night, and when he woke the sun was just peeking over the horizon, checking to make sure the darkness was gone. Ahead lay the broad flat peak of Mt. Rushmost, covered with bushes.

  But as they came closer, and the light improved, Dolph saw that those weren't bushes, but creatures. The mesa was dotted with winged monsters! He had never imagined, let alone seen, such a variety of horrendousness! These were dragons of every size from dragonfly to appalling, and griffins, and basilisks, and sphinxes, and winged serpents, and rocs and harpies and—his mind boggled. They were all bustling about and making a commotion, but not, oddly, fighting.

  "Remember," Draco hissed as they came in for a landing. "Do not revert to your human form. Conceal your identity, or your posterior and mine will be slung over the moon!"

  Dolph, gazing out at the assemblage of monsters, took the warning to heart. Any of these would gladly consume him in a trice, if given a pretext, and the fact that he was a prince would make scant difference.

  They landed on the strip of clear land designated for this. Fireflies marked the sides and corners, so that night flights could be accommodated almost as readily as the daytime ones. A phoenix squawked instructions for orientation and schedule, so that those coming in did not collide with those taking off. Indeed, this was a necessary precaution, for every few seconds some monster was doing one or the other. Some had evidently been designated group hunters, for they were coming in with assorted prey in their clutches, which carrion was duly torn to pieces and distributed to the hungry. Again, Dolph appreciated that this was necessary, because it would have been impossible to have every monster hunt this region simultaneously; every living thing would have been wiped out. But with rocs bringing in mundane cows, elephants, and whales, there seemed to be almost enough to go around.

  There was a flurry of introductions as Draco trundled off the runway. "Draco, you laggard! We thought you'd forgotten to come!" another firedrake growled.

  "No such luck, flame-brain," Draco responded. "I had trouble finding a nest sitter.”

  "If you just bothered to take a mate, you'd have a nest sitter!" a blue dragoness puffed.

  "Stop matchmaking, Hotbox," Draco said. "When I want a wyvern, I'll choose her myself."

  "Well, this is the place for it," she protested, and mere was a fiery roar of laughter from the others now.

  "Who's your midget friend?" a cockatrice inquired, staring through his dark goggles at Dolph.

  "Keep your specs on!" Draco cautioned, not wholly humorously. A cockatrice, like a basilisk, had a gaze that was
poisonous. "This is—" He paused.

  Dolph realized what his problem was. They had not decided on a name for him, and could not risk his real one. "Phlod Firefly," Dolph said, drawing on a game name he had used in the past. It was his name spelled backwards. His sister, by the same token, was Yvi. They called their father Rod, which didn't bother him, and their mother Eneri, but never to her face. Grandpa Knib was a good sport, though. Now he was very glad they had played that game, because it gave him a name he was used to answering to.

  "Phlod," Draco agreed with relief. "He is a prince of his kind, so was required to attend, but the distance was too far, so I brought him."

  "Still looks like a wasp waist to me," the cockatrice said. "I think I'll step on him and see if he squishes."

  "I wouldn't," Draco said.

  But the cocky winged lizard was already moving toward Dolph, determined to throw his small weight around. Dolph thought quickly. He did not want to give away his identity, but neither did he want to get stepped on. He had noted that the dragons here were not using their fire; evidently the truce forbade it, for obvious reasons, just as it required the cockatrice to cover his eyes. There was to be no fighting here, but apparently a little pushing around for status was all right.

  Well, he could do that. Dolph simply assumed the form of a larger firefly. When the cockatrice still advanced, he became bigger yet, so that he was larger than the other. He lifted a foot.

  Now the cockatrice paused, surprised. "He's bigger than he looks!"

  "He grows on you," Draco said, with a discreet flicker of humor, and the surrounding monsters chuckled smokily.

  The cockatrice concluded that he had business elsewhere, which was the way of bullies when they found themselves overmatched.

  Now trumpeter swans sounded a fanfare. There was an immediate hush. The ceremony was beginning!

  "We shall now introduce the attending dignitaries," a manticore bellowed. This monster was as big as a mundane horse, with the segmented tail of a scorpion, the body of a lion, wings of a dragon, and the head of a man with triple rows of teeth in each jaw. Its voice was oddly musical, vaguely resembling a trumpet or flute, with considerable volume. It occurred to Dolph mat those triple teeth might have something to do with it. Certainly this was a loud and fearsome monster!

  There was a period of ordered confusion as the dignitaries were lined up. Then the fanfare sounded again. "Komodo li Zard, Prince of the Isles of Indon Esia," the manticore fluted. Prince Komodo walked out, a dragon of moderate size with wings that were almost invisible; Dolph had to look two and a half times to see them at all. But of course they existed, because only winged monsters were here for the ceremony.

  "Baron Haulass of Shetland," the manticore trumpeted, and a winged donkey trotted out.

  "Duke Dragontail of Dimwit." And a formidable dragon whose serpentine tail did drag walked out.

  "Smokey of Stover." This was a dragon of the smoking variety, ordinarily a landbound creature, but this variant did have vestigial wings. Dolph had never seen one quite like this, before, and wondered how it had come about.

  "Snagglesnoot of Synchromesh." This time a strange oily monster, with bright chrome teeth.

  "Stanley Steamer, the once and future Gap Dragon." Dolph almost cried out, for he knew Stanley of old, Ivy's pet. But Stanley was almost grown now, and would soon resume regular residence in the Gap Chasm. Dolph kept quiet, for he would give himself away if he went to talk with Stanley.

  "Xap Hippogryph, sire of the bride." Dolph took note of this one; he had never before seen Chex's father. Xap had the head and wings of a griffin, and the body of a horse, like a centaur gone wrong, but he was an extremely handsome creature. Dolph realized that Chem, the bride's dam, would not be present, for she was a straight centaur without wings. That was unfortunate. Presumably there would be a reception later, elsewhere, where she could attend. Dolph understood that the community of centaurs frowned on variants, so had not welcomed Chex. Thus it was the winged monsters who had adopted her. Dolph wasn't quite sure what that said about monsters, but he found that he was coming to like them better.

  So it went, as griffins, chimerae, harpies, rocs, winged horses, and assorted dragons strutted onstage for their introductions—and these were only the dignitaries. The majority of the attending monsters were garden-variety, like himself in his present guise. Some were unusual, even so, such as the winged zombie dragon and the griffin skeleton from the gourd. It was impressive.

  At last it was time for the wedding itself. The monsters formed into a great circle, and a rare winged mermaid sang a solo song of such great beauty and longing that every monster present seemed to wish only to cast itself into the turbulent sea, and Dolph suffered a pang of terrible regret that he had left Mela the merwoman behind. He realized that the mermaids all had some siren ancestry, and all could sing compellingly when they chose; this one's mother must have charmed a winged creature, so that the result was a crossbreed who qualified as a winged monster. She was certainly most alluring!

  Then the mermaid flew to a tank of water reserved for her, for her tail got uncomfortable when dry; evidently she had wings but no ability to make legs. That was unfortunate. "Now the Simurgh," Draco whispered. "Stay low."

  Dolph was amazed. He knew of the Simurgh; he had seen her in the tapestry. She was the eldest and wisest of all birds, so old she had seen the destruction and regeneration of the universe three times. She sat on a bough of the Tree of Seeds on Mount Parnassus, and governed where all of those seeds went. His mother had many rare and wonderful seeds given her by the Simurgh, but he had never heard of the great bird attending a social function.

  The monsters waited expectantly; not even a growl broke the silence. Their eyes were fixed on a huge wooden perch mounted at one side of the clear area. It had been fashioned of several stout tree trunks lashed together with tangle tree tentacles, the strongest of structures.

  A bright bird the size of a roc flew in from the south horizon, winging so swiftly and surely that there was no doubt she knew exactly where she was going. Her feathers were like veils of light and shadow, now one color and now another and mostly like the blue of the deepest and clearest sky. Her head seemed crested with fire, sparkling iridescently. She was the most magnificent bird Dolph could imagine. He had seen her image in the Tapestry, but the reality was overwhelmingly more impressive. It wasn't just the size or color; the Simurgh had a presence that manifested as she approached.

  She came in and landed neatly on the perch, and both it and the mesa shook with the impact of her roosting. She folded her phenomenal wings, settled herself, and looked around. Her gaze seemed to touch every monster present, and all lowered their heads respectfully. That gaze touched even on Dolph; he was one of the smallest of creatures, lost in the throng, yet she saw him.

  WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, PRINCE DOLPH? she inquired in his mind. YOU ARE NO MONSTER!

  She recognized him! She knew he was an imposter here! Dolph started to attempt to answer, but she silenced him with her powerful thought. THAT WAS RHETORICAL, GOOD CHILD. HOLD YOUR PEACE, AND LEARN.

  Then her attention passed elsewhere, and he could relax. What an experience! The Simurgh had spotted him instantly amidst the crowd, and seen right into his nature. He realized that she must have done the same for every other creature here; she knew them all. Yet it was only a moment before her survey was complete.

  PROCEED, she thought to the entire assemblage.

  Now for the first time the groom came into view: Cheiron Centaur, a handsome male with great folded silver wings and golden hooves. His mane was neatly combed, and his tail too; every hair was in order. He was a muscular creature in both his human and his equine aspects, ruggedly well constructed. He walked slowly to the center, then turned to stand facing the Simurgh, his features composed.

  The trumpeters played the wedding march. From the far side an aisle opened, and down it walked Chex, sedately. Dolph was amazed again; she had been transformed. He had known her, h
ardly a day ago, as a female centaur with wings, Marrow's friend. Now she was absolutely beautiful. Her brown mane was so well brushed that it glowed, and she wore a diadem of bright roses on her head that heightened the quality of her eyes. Her wings were the same color as her eyes, gray as the overcast sky, and every feather shone. Her hide glistened from breasts to flank, and there was a bow of forget-me-not flowers in her tail. Even her four hooves were as clean and bright as mirrors, sparkling as she walked.

  Chex came at last to stand beside Cheiron. They made a perfect pair, he so bold and strong, she so lovely and demure.

  DEARLY BELOVED MONSTERS OF THE AIR, the Simurgh thought to them all, WE ARE GATHERED HERE TO UNITE THIS CENTAUR STALLION AND THIS CENTAUR MARE IN MATRIMONY. THERE ARE NO OBJECTIONS. FROM THIS UNION WILL COME ONE WHOSE LIFE WILL CHANGE THE COURSE OF THE HISTORY OF XANTH, AND ALL OF YOU WILL TREASURE AND PROTECT THAT ONE FROM HARM. LET ME HEAR YOUR OATH ON THIS.

  Suddenly there was noise, as every creature on the plateau growled assent. Dolph did not understand this, and held back; how could he agree to an oath whose effect he did not know?

  YOU TOO, PRINCE DOLPH, YOU MOST OF ALL, the Simurgh thought to him alone. Her mind carried the aura of immense significance, of the tides of history surging from the past to the future and back again irresistibly, all focusing on this moment. Now he knew, without understanding, why the Simurgh had come to preside over this ceremony; it was important to the things that only she understood completely. The coming foal was special.

  Dolph became aware of the ongoing ceremony; the Simurgh had not waited for his thoughts to run their young course.

  . . . AND DO YOU, YOU FETCHING FILLY, TAKE THIS STUD TO BE YOUR MATE?

  "I do," Chex agreed.

  THEN BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME BY BEING WHAT I AM, I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU A MATED PAIR. KISS.

  The groom and bride dutifully embraced their foresections and kissed. The assembled monsters roared their approval.

  The Simurgh spread her wings and took off. In a moment she was in the sky, and in another winging toward the horizon.