Sorrows of Adoration

by Kimberly Chapman

  “That’s not true! You loved me! You loved me before she came!” she screamed to Kurit. “I was to be your wife until this little harlot came and bewitched you against me!” The Queen turned a dangerous eye to Sashken, but before she could counsel the hysterical young woman to be silent, Kurit spoke over the cacophony.

  “In what fantastical dream did you concoct such a notion?” Kurit asked, his arms spread wide in incredulity. “At no time did I even like you! I pretended to be interested in other women just to make you stop following me around! I tried being subtle, I tried being direct, I even cast you naked out of my chambers when you tried to seduce me before my wedding!” This last declaration sent the gathering into a flurry of excited babble and prompted King Tarken to rise and call loudly for order.

  When the noise had stopped and Kurit had once again taken his seat, the King asked Cael and Kasha if either of them had anything further to add. When they did not, he sat back down.

  “I am ready now to give my judgment in this matter. In light of the overwhelming evidence supporting Princess Aenna’s tale and the lack of substantial evidence against it, I find the Lady Sashken guilty of the charges against her.”

  “You cannot do this!” cried Kasha.

  “Enough! I can and I do. She has stood here before us and madly accused the Prince of loving her, though he quite clearly denies it. I have no doubt that her madness in this almost cost the life of Princess Aenna and her unborn child. So, Lady Sashken of Kydren, daughter of Lord Sibek and Lady Kayel, for the crime of conspiring to murder Princess Aenna and the unborn Prince Raelik, for the crime of payment to assassins, for the crime of withholding of information sought by the King’s Guard when you knew what had happened to the Princess and did not speak to it, and for high treason against this kingdom in the attempt to kill the wife and child of the heir to the throne, I sentence you to be hanged this very afternoon.”

  As a buzz of noise swept the gathering, Sashken fell to her knees and cried out for mercy. Kasha echoed the plea as well.

  “I might have been convinced to show you mercy had you simply ordered the Princess be taken away, or had she not been with child at the time, or had you redeemed yourself by admitting to us what you had done, that we might have found her sooner. But you acted with cold, cruel intent. I have no doubt that if I spare you now, your madness will lead you to make another attempt on the Princess’s life. In the interest of the safety of the royal family and because you showed no mercy yourself, I deny your request. You shall be hanged as I decreed.”

  She screamed as the guards lifted her away. Kasha stared at me with a look of death wish in her eye, and it chilled me. The King had waived off her testimony as insubstantial, which I knew she would consider a personal slight with me at fault. The crowd rose to disperse as the King retired to his workroom.

  Lord Cael approached and said, “Your Highness, I was so relieved to hear that you had returned alive and bearing your child in your arms, no less.”

  “Thank you,” I said. “And thank you for what you have done here today. It can’t have been easy.”

  “Good lady, it was my honour to serve you. I wish only I had been able to do more. I understand why you were reluctant to seek my help in Staelorn, though I regret that you did not know help awaited you there.”

  “I knew you would have helped me without a second thought, Lord Cael. It was everyone else in Staelorn that I feared. I am sorry I did not come to you.”

  He nodded in understanding, spoke briefly to Kurit, and took his leave.

  “Please help me upstairs,” I said to Jarik and Kurit. “I am very upset and wish to be out of the public view.” They each took an arm and supported me all the way to my chambers, where I started immediately to weep. Jarik turned me into Kurit’s waiting arms.

  “Hush, Aenna—why do you weep? Sashken is being punished as she deserves.”

  “I know,” I said, “and I am glad your father did not spare her. I could not suffer her the chance to strike at my son in the future. But I have caused the deaths of two people in this unpleasant event, and though both deaths may be excusable or just, I cannot help but feel badly.”

  I felt Jarik put a comforting hand on my back as I wept in Kurit’s embrace. “You know these things are not your fault, Aenna,” Jarik said. “True justice would see the men who abducted you and those who sold you pay the same penalty. You are a good woman for mourning those who have caused you harm.”

  “I don’t mourn them. I wish only that none of it was necessary.”

  I did not go to witness Sashken’s hanging. It was bad enough I kept seeing the blue face of the man that I had killed in my nightmares; I certainly did not need to add the image of a woman being hanged. Kurit went to witness it while Jarik stayed with me in my chambers. When Kurit returned, he said simply, “It is done,” and then poured himself a drink.

  * * *

  In the days that followed, I noticed Kurit had developed a habit for the drink and seemed to require several before retiring for the night. At first I suspected it was a temporary way of dealing with the great stress of the trial, for which he was still furious with his mother. Soon, though, it became clear that he was becoming dependent upon it. I decided to speak with him about it before the problem got out of hand.

  I entered his chambers one morning to find him already pouring from the decanter on his mantle.

  “Is that not a bit early, Kurit?” I asked.

  “Hmm? Oh, this?” he said, looking at the drink in his hand. “It’s just a little bit, Aenna. It’s nothing.”

  “Is it also nothing that you drink every night before bed? I smell it on you when you come to my bed to hold me.”

  “Oh, Aenna, really, it’s not every night. Sometimes I’m still a little wound up over everything, and it helps me sleep. I was drunk a good deal of the time you were away, you know. Really drunk, because it was the only way I could pass out and not have to feel so wretchedly miserable. But since you’ve returned to me, I have stopped that. Honestly, Aenna,” he said with a slightly nervous laugh, “you make it sound as though I couldn’t stop.”

  “So stop then. I don’t want you to get in the habit of needing it every night.” I tried to sound concerned and not as though I was nagging.

  He gulped down the remainder of the liquor in his glass and set it aside. He walked to where I stood and embraced me. “Don’t fret, my good wife. I just need a little more time to put it all behind me.”

  We sat down beside one another. He smiled—looking as though he were trying to produce his old carefree, roguish smile—but it was clearly forced. He was trying to appear stalwart for my benefit, but I was not so blind that I could not see that he still suffered from guilt over my abduction.

  “Kurit, I love you. It hurts me to know you still ache inside with remorse. I see through your smile. I see how you drink to dull your pain. You have to get over this.”

  He looked at the floor, the fake smile gone. “How do I do that, Aenna? How do I tell my own heart to stop feeling the pain of almost losing you yet again? How do I convince my mind that there was nothing I could have done to spare you that ordeal? A man should be able to protect his wife.”

  “Brooding over it now does not help me. It makes me suffer with you. Instead of feeling guilt for not being able to protect me or rescue me, why can’t you just be pleased and proud that I was able to rescue myself?”

  He rose and bade me to do so as well. Then he embraced me tightly, sighing and kissing my head as he held it in his hands. “I am proud of your strength. I always have been. And believe me, the fact that you are here safe with me is much more important than how you arrived. But I can’t help wishing I had been man enough to have the strength to seek you instead of mourning you. Even if I hadn’t found you, I should have been looking instead of crying like a child. I am not a man, Aenna. I’m a stupid boy, and what little courage I struggle to demonstrate is less than a thousandth of what comes to you naturally. That is hard to reconcile.”r />
  “Kurit,” I said, pulling back to look at him and forcing his eyes to stay with mine. “You are a man! You mustn’t keep questioning your masculinity this way. My strength as a woman does not negate your worth or strength as a man. These things should be complementary to unite us, not something to set us apart.”

  I decided perhaps the time had come to remind him of his masculinity by enticing him to make love with me. I kissed him softly, brushing my tongue against his lips in the fashion that used to make him moan in delight. He returned the kiss kindly, but without arousal of any observable sort.

  “Aenna,” he said softly after the kiss, “I know what you’re trying to do, and I love you for it. Your words make logical sense, but logic has little effect on emotion. Please understand that this is no fault of yours, but I still feel … emasculated. I need time. I’m sorry. I shall try to be less melancholy, but I feel too undeserving of your passion to be aroused right now. Forgive me. It’s not that I love you less or desire you less. If anything, those feelings are stronger than ever before for the threat of almost having lost you again.”

  He kissed me gently on my lips and then on my forehead. “I love you so much, my Aenna,” he whispered, holding me so tightly that I could feel his pounding heartbeat against my shoulder. “I love you more than anything, and I need you much more than any man ought to ever need anyone. Please, just give me more time to put my mind back together. I shall be fine in time. And I shall quit the drink before bed, and in the morning as well. You’re right about that. You’re right about everything, actually, but at least that much I can accomplish for you right away.”

  His acute heartache was infectious, and I wanted to weep in his arms. I forced myself not to, though, fearful that it would only add to his burden. Instead, I made myself smile and asked, “Will you come and walk with me in the gardens? I shall bring our son, and we can take turns holding him as we walk. It’s a lovely day out, and I truly think that the sun and fresh air would do you good.”

  He nodded sadly, and we went to fetch Raelik from his nursery.

  Chapter 14

  OVER THE NEXT week, Kurit seemed less distant and more in control of his faculties. Other than wine with dinner, I did not see him take any liquor. I was somewhat suspicious when he stopped coming to my bed to hold me every night, but on the two occasions that he did, I smelled not the slightest hint of alcohol on his breath. If he slept poorly for it, I did not notice.

  Then one evening shortly before bed, there came a soft knock at my door. It was Gilrin, and he looked worried. I panicked, thinking immediately that something awful had happened to Kurit.

  “What is it?” I asked quickly.

  “Your Highness, I come to speak to you though I fear I betray my Prince in doing so,” he whispered. “I have but a short time, for I told him I was running a brief errand.”

  “Then quickly, what is it you have to tell me?”

  “His Highness has taken to hiding small flasks of alcohol throughout his rooms. The maids find them in his clothing and between his mattresses. I have seen him myself slipping them behind books on his shelves. He drinks constantly, Your Highness, and then washes his mouth or eats odoriferous foods immediately thereafter, repeating this all day long. He was drunk when you were gone, but that was understandable, and he was so drunk that all he did was sleep. Now he spends his time just on the edge of drunkenness—taking just enough that his emotions are drowned but he can still manage to function.

  “I would not even betray him by telling you this but for my concern that he will injure himself. By evenings, he has reached a state where he can almost always walk and move well but will occasionally stumble. I fear he will take a spill down the stairs or otherwise harm himself. Last night he went walking around the castle walls. Though it is quite safe to do so normally, I am greatly worried that his semi-drunken state might cause him to lean over the edge and fall, likely to his death.”

  I was stunned. How could I be so unaware that things were this bad?

  I could not let the poor manservant see me panic. I schooled my expression and said, “Gilrin, thank you for telling me this. I won’t tell Kurit that I found this out through you, so don’t worry about his retribution. And you have not betrayed him in this. As you have said yourself, there is a concern for his well-being. You have done him a good service in bringing this to my attention, and I thank you again. Now go, before he notices you have been gone too long.”

  Gilrin nodded and left quickly.

  I could not imagine what to do next. Kurit was clearly already caught in an addiction that neither promises nor words of reason could defy. The next day, I suggested to him that we take our little son to the royal cottage for a few weeks. I knew that going there would allow me to be with him almost all day and night, and since we would share a room, he would be unable to hide a secret supply from which to sip when my back was turned. I thought perhaps if he went without the alcohol for a week or so, he would realize that he had a serious problem and be better able to cut himself off.

  When I approached him with the notion of taking some time away, he had a thousand excuses. His father’s health was beginning to fail more often, leaving Kurit with more administrative responsibilities. It was too early in the season, he said, and would thus be too muddy. It would be too much of a hassle to take such a small infant out there. On it went—no matter how many solutions I provided, there was always another reason. Clearly, he knew he would be unable to maintain his lightly drunken state, and I suspected the idea frightened him.

  He stopped holding me at night altogether, which upset me further. I didn’t know if he did so because he knew I would discover his drinking, or if he still felt that sense of emasculation. Either way, he began avoiding me, and my heart ached for his suffering and my inability to do something about it.

  To add to my frustration, I had to deal also with the fact that Jarik had taken to shadowing my every movement all day and then standing guard outside my door at night. I discovered the latter when I was unable to sleep and would creep to the nursery to check on Raelik. There Jarik would be standing, brooding in his unnecessary guilt. I told him every time to go to bed, and he would nod at me in acknowledgment that he had heard, but then when I would leave the nursery, he would still be there. I could not imagine when he was finding time to sleep, for when I would leave my rooms in the morning he would still be there. The only times he was absent was when I was with Kurit, and those times were becoming fewer and fewer.

  Oh, how these men and their wretched guilt and fragile sensibilities irritated me! It was almost as if they had rather I had awaited their rescue in Wusul or parked myself under a tree in Taeten until one of them happened by. I was sympathetic to their concern at first, but as the days and nights passed and there was no cessation to their brooding, I began to feel anger and resentment that they could not see me as an independent, living being instead of their precious jewel to protect.

  One night I found myself unable to sleep as these notions remained in my mind. I rose and went to the outer door where, sure enough, Jarik stood, leaning a shoulder against the wall. His face was lined with weariness, though his eyes were alert.

  “All right. This has gone far enough, Jarik. Come in here—I have things to say to you,” I whispered harshly into the hall.

  He paused for a moment, and I thought perhaps he would refuse. Then, with the countenance of a child who knows he is about to be held accountable for mischief, he entered my receiving room.

  I indicated that he should sit, and when he did not I ordered, “Sit down, Jarik, before fatigue makes you fall.” I disliked the sound of my voice when I issued such commands, but I had learned there were times when some people needed to be forcibly instructed for their own good.

  I remained standing before him as he looked at me uncomfortably. “Now hear me well, Jarik,” I said. “I cannot handle this. I have an infant to care for. I have a husband who is half mad with his own misplaced guilt, and the other half of
him is drunk. I simply do not have the energy nor presence of mind to deal with another tortured soul.

  “My abduction was not your fault,” I said, issuing each word as a distinctly clear proclamation. He turned his face away from me, no doubt telling his own mind that I was wrong in that. “Don’t turn away from me and dismiss my words!” He looked at me again, and I continued. “It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t Kurit’s fault. It was terrible, but I’m home safe now, and all of this ridiculous guilt and overprotection will not change the past.

  “I understand you feel an obligation to protect me, Jarik, and believe me, I appreciate that. It means a great deal to me. Your presence pleases me, and I truly feel safer knowing that you are near. I know without one doubt that, had you been in the courtyard that night, you would have saved me. But we were not so fortunate. I was very foolish to have gone out alone. I promise you here and now not to repeat that mistake. I swear to you that I shall never leave the safety of the palace without first telling you in person where I am going, for what purpose, and when I shall return. That much I owe to you as my Champion, and I shall not break my word.

  “I tell you this so that you will no longer stand outside my door as you have been. I know you do it to prevent me further harm, which is very sweet, Jarik, but look at your face! When do you sleep? I see you there at all hours of the night and there again when I leave in the morning. You follow me all day long, and then the next night stand there again.

  “Think for a moment, please! If you watch over me day and night without rest, you shall inevitably become ill. I care not how mighty and strong you imagine yourself to be, for you are still human and still require sleep. If there does come a time when I am again attacked or in danger, how can you protect me if your mind and body are slowed by great fatigue? If Sashken had a co-conspirator, they would no doubt lie in wait until you reach that state for their next strike, and then you truly fail shall me.