Sorrows of Adoration

by Kimberly Chapman

  Bresh’s face changed as he realized that he had forgotten my background. He looked to me and said, “Your Majesty, surely you know that I don’t include you in that description.”

  “You may not have intended to insult me personally with your condemnation, Bresh, but your easy dismissal of the poor as stupid and worthless does burn my ears,” I said, keeping a level voice despite my yearning to scream at him. “A twist of fate allows me to be here in this room with you today. It is as possible for a poor woman to be intelligent and hard-working as it is for a nobleman to be petty and foolish.”

  “Agreed,” said Aelwin. “There will undoubtedly be those who take unfair advantage of the improvements, but those who work hard deserve the chance to do so profitably. I would like some time to better study your budgets and projections, Majesty, but I will say now that I approve of the idea in principle.”

  “Which is why these meetings were better off in my father’s time when women were excluded,” grumbled Bresh.

  “Very good, Bresh,” said Kurit in a mocking tone. “In the space of half of an hour, you have managed to insult Maellans, the poor, all women, and my wife in particular. Would you care to make your day complete and tell me next that I’m a fool for supporting her plan?”

  Despite the problems Kurit and I were having in our personal lives, I wanted to kiss him right then for his words. My anger left me. I caught Cael’s eye at the other end of the table, and he smiled as though he knew how much Kurit’s words had meant to me. I wondered if he was aware at all of our unstable relationship.

  Bresh muttered an annoyed apology to Kurit and the rest of us. I could see that there were still others who remained unconvinced, and it was hard to tell whether those who had not spoken were for or against my plan.

  A call was made for a vote to give preliminary approval to the plan, pending further study on the details. I sat breathless as those around the table each in turn indicated “yes” to approve the plan or “no” to deny it. Chancellor Kren quickly said, “Yes,” followed by Kiene and Kalren’s votes to “no.” Cael of course made good on his promise to always support me, and the otherwise quiet Lord Mishkel voted “yes” as well.

  I was not surprised when both Oddotok and Bresh put the count to four against and three in approval. Maekol tapped his fingers on the table in consternation, clearly struggling with the decision. Finally, he said, “Yes,” and Aelwin and Fontden followed suit. Kurit and I of course both added our votes of “yes,” though I was already delighted to realize that our agreement wasn’t even needed to win. The total thus came to eight in approval and four against; a doubled majority!

  When the meeting ended shortly thereafter, I realized it was quite late at night. After gathering my papers together, I took them to my workroom. I saw Kurit’s door open on my way out, so I peeked inside.

  He was drinking. It occurred to me that he had gone without a drop for several hours and might very well have prevented himself from having any before the meeting as well. I hoped he would not be irritable. I knocked softly, and he looked up at me.

  I entered, closing his door behind me and smiling at him. “Kurit, I wanted to thank you for defending me in the meeting tonight. It meant a great deal to me.”

  He set his glass down and sat. “I told you before that I supported your idea. What, did you think I’d give you my approval only to withdraw it in front of the council?”

  Indeed, it seemed he was irritable. I tried to calm him. “No, Kurit, that’s not what I—”

  “You imagine me to be some sort of wretch who would sit idly by while they insulted you.”

  “No! I just came in here to—”

  “To point out again that I’ve been doing a miserable job of being your husband?”

  “Kurit, stop!” I said, trying not to shout in the late hour. “I came to say thank you for what you said and—”

  “And that it surprised you?”

  I sighed and clasped my hands at my aching chest. “I was going to say, ‘and I love you for it’,” I whispered. Sadly, I shook my head and left his workroom.

  Jarik stood outside, and by the look on his face I knew he had overheard at least some of what had been said. He followed me as I went up the stairs towards the south wing. I heard Kurit call my name, but I was so weary of these stupid fights that I ignored his call and continued.

  When I arrived at my door, Jarik put his hands gently on my shoulders and said, “I heard you fighting but not what was said. What has he said to you now?”

  I shook my head and tried to avoid looking at his concerned face. “I can’t bear to talk about it. Go. I want to lock myself in my room before he comes chasing after me for another empty apology. Don’t stay here. I will go mad if I hear you fighting with him. Go, Jarik. Leave me here.”

  I tried to slip out of his hold, but his large hands held me still. “Much as I’d like to thrash him for treating you so, I know it’d only upset you, so I shall go to my chambers. But, Aenna, if you decide you need a shoulder on which to weep, know that I am always there for you. Please, don’t suffer alone. I am your friend and will listen whenever you feel you can speak about it.” He let go of my shoulders, took my hand and kissed it, and let me enter my room.

  Leiset was there. I tried not to be short with her in my frustrated state as I asked for her keys to both doors to my bedchamber. As always, she realized that Kurit had upset me and did not torture me with questions. She simply gave me the keys as I requested. I went into my bedchamber and locked both doors. I also locked the balcony door, on the remote chance that Kurit would be so foolish as to try to get in that way. I was determined to not see him, though I had no rational reason why. I just couldn’t bear the thought of another sad apology, another embrace, another promise to behave.

  Sure enough, Kurit came knocking. He banged on the door from my receiving room, rattling the knob when I did not answer. He called apologies through the door, but I said nothing. He then ordered Leiset to bring him her keys, as I had suspected he would.

  “I cannot do that, Your Majesty,” I heard her say.

  “Curse it, Leiset, I’m not in the mood for your games. Give me your key!”

  “I cannot! She took them in with her.”

  He banged again on the door for a moment, and then it was silent. Leiset whispered through the door, “He has gone, Aenna.”

  Then there came a rattle at the door between our chambers. I heard him shout through it, “Aenna, I’m sorry. Open the door. I want to talk to you. Please, don’t do this to me.”

  To you? I thought incredulously. I’m doing this to you?

  “Aenna, please. I know you’re in there. I know you can hear me. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things.” He banged on the door, becoming frustrated. The noise was sufficient that I worried it would draw Jarik from his rooms, which would result in a fight between them. Jarik had become increasingly furious with Kurit’s behaviour towards me, and I worried more and more that he would lose his temper.

  But Jarik did not come, and soon Kurit gave up. I cried, using my pillow to mask the sound, until I fell into an uncomfortable sleep.

  The next morning, I told myself I was not going to allow him to destroy my spirit. I had a great project to undertake, and though construction could not begin until spring, there was much planning and purchasing to do during the remainder of the winter, including securing final approval of the plan. I focused on the excitement of that as I had a quick breakfast, found Jarik, and went to go tell the people that we could get started soon.

  Unfortunately, just before we left the Great Hall, Kurit caught up to us. He cast a brief, sheepish look to Jarik, no doubt knowing that his cousin was furious at him. I glanced at Jarik’s face; it was cold and hard, his jaw set.

  “Jarik, I’d like a moment with Aenna please,” Kurit said.

  Jarik glared at him, and my heart raced in fear that he would respond in anger. Instead, the big man looked to me, his eyes softening as he did so. I nodded to him
in an indication to step aside, and he did so.

  “Aenna, why wouldn’t you let me in last night?” Kurit began in haste. “I wanted to apologize—”

  “Hush!” I said, then put on a smile for the others who were in the Great Hall. Being so early, it was not crowded, but the few people nearby looked at our little spectacle with undisguised curiosity. Still smiling my false, happy smile, I muttered to Kurit, “We should not be speaking of our problems so publicly, Kurit. The people must not know that our marriage suffers so.”

  He tried to match my calm and happy look, but since I had so bluntly stated that our marriage was, in fact, suffering, he was unable to do so. “Then come into my workroom, please.”

  “Kurit, I have grown weary of this game of insult, apology, hug, and forgiveness,” I whispered, still smiling. “It is a circle that has spun so many times, I am dizzy from it. Now I have things to do. I must go.”

  I started to walk away from him, but he caught up with me and stood in my way. “I am sorry, Aenna. I really am.”

  My heart ached. I realized I had a fast choice to make between tears and anger, so I chose the latter and coldly stated, “You always are, Kurit.” Then I stepped around him and left the palace with Jarik.

  Chapter 16

  AS I HAD HOPED, the Council approved the plan at the next meeting, so as soon as the snow had cleared sufficiently, I hired men to haul stone from the distant quarries. They travelled in great trains of carts, and when I saw them in the distance from the palace towers, they reminded me of busy ants.

  Raelik turned one year old as the project officially began. Kurit managed to stay fairly sober for the small celebration we had for our son. It was the last time he and I shared a pleasant conversation for a long time. Once I became busy and was frequently out of the palace—always wearing the breastplate armour that had been made for me—Kurit grew sullen and distant. I thus took Raelik along with me most of the time, concerned that his brooding father would ruin the little boy’s happy spirit.

  Construction of the new outer wall began as soon as the ground thawed enough to allow for foundations to be set. The old wall remained in place until the new one was complete and guard towers had been established.

  I planned for the various phases of construction to overlap each other as much as possible in order to complete the project quickly. The ground stones for the sidewalks and building foundations were laid as the wall was built. Upon completion of these phases, there was an enormous, white, empty area. I stood at its edge with Raelik in my arms on the first morning it was complete, before the old walls had been taken down. Beside me were Jarik, Oana, Nikal, and Druin.

  “It’s amazing,” Oana whispered. “It looks so perfect, I almost don’t want to build anything into it.”

  Druin laughed, as usual. “But picture it, Oana.” He pointed to various parts of the large, white space, as the designs had been established. “Right there shall be the new market. There shall be the rows of new shops and boutiques. And all along there shall be our new homes.”

  I smiled, happy and inspired by the sight of the new part of Endren as well as the excitement of these people. Jarik put a kind arm around my shoulders as I stared out, imagining as Druin did what the final result would look like. “You do know, of course, your name will be remembered in history for this,” he whispered.

  “I don’t care about that,” I said quietly to him. “I won’t be there to hear it. But right now I feel happier than I have since …”

  “Since you were taken away,” he said.

  I nodded. He knew me too well. “I finally feel like I have control over things again. This coming together of good people for a good cause: Jarik, it gives me such a heart-swelling delight.” Raelik made a happy squeal in my arms, and I laughed. I kissed his sweet little head and marched out to the centre of the giant empty room of stone. I spun around, holding him before me with outstretched arms. He giggled, and I laughed with him. “My precious baby boy!” I said, clutching him back to me. I kissed his fat happy cheeks and spun slowly again, holding one arm out to show him the wonder of it all. “This is where you shall be King, my Raelik. This is where you shall stroll to be amongst your people, and they will know you and love you because you won’t be locked away behind palace walls.”

  I caught sight of the other four staring at me oddly. I laughed at them. I held my free arm outstretched and shouted, “This is the beginning of a whole new way of life for all of us! You will have proper homes and the means to earn a decent living. The wealthy will feel safe walking here, knowing the space has been designed to allow guards to see all and prevent crime. And I shall bring my son here. I shall raise this precious child to know that he is not going to be the King of the upper class, but the King of all Keshaerlans, and he has a duty to every single one of them.” I spun him around again to make him giggle, and then I returned to the others. “You may think me mad, but I promise you all that I see these things in true clarity.” I looked at Jarik, who smiled in return. “I know you told me once not to embark on a foolish battle against class. I don’t have to, Jarik. If every city in Keshaerlan follows this path and provides opportunity for even the poorest child to work to become someone of importance, then the battle will fight itself.”

  I let him lead me out of the new eastern gate, and we walked back around the city walls to the old east end to begin the next phases. On the way, he quietly said to me, “Aenna, I know you’re delighted with the progress, and I’m delighted for you, but please, don’t set all of your hopes and dreams on this. If your projections should turn out to be wrong—”

  “They won’t, Jarik.” I laughed.

  “Aenna, I couldn’t bear to see you crushed if they are.”

  I smiled at him and sighed happily. “You’re always so concerned for me, my dearest friend. Don’t be concerned for this. It will be marvellous. And if it isn’t, then I shall make it so. I feel like I can do anything today.”

  He chuckled softly. “I have no doubt that you probably could. Just don’t let yourself be hurt by setbacks. Promise me that.”

  I promised him. I wanted to kiss his cheek for being so sweet and concerned but knew he didn’t like it when I did so in public, so I waited until that evening. It surprised him then, and I laughed merrily as I entered my room for the night.

  * * *

  The only time during the construction when I felt at all unhappy was during the following winter, when we had to stop until spring. The heavy snowstorms made it necessary to stay indoors most days, and I was thus unable to avoid Kurit. We went through several cycles of bitterness, anger, and regret. There would follow a few days during which he would remain fairly sober and would be pleasant to Raelik and me. I learned not to grow hopeful because of them, for inevitably he would have a fight with his mother—who had made insulting me her full-time occupation—and the frustration of it would send him back to his bottles. He spent his days in a state of light drunkenness, always able to appear in control and coherent to most people, and he spent his nights passed out on his bed, chair, or sometimes the floor.

  The nonsense that was our marriage began to wear me down. I was no longer angry nearly as often as I was depressed. When I would accidentally recall happier times, they did not make me smile. They stabbed at my heart as I mourned the loss of my husband. Kurit was not dead, but he was not the man I had known. My abduction, his father’s death, and the constant, unwinnable battles with his mother had changed him. When he was not irritable, he was despondent. I ached to help him, but whenever I was foolish enough to attempt to do so, he would push me away, either by polite request to be alone or by cruel little remarks.

  I knew Jarik would have been there for me in comfort if I had asked. He offered it constantly, as did Leiset. I spoke with Leiset often, and she would put a kind arm around me. I loved her for her kindness, but it didn’t make anything better. I knew in my heart that what I really needed was the same from Jarik, but I knew of his love for me and could not bear to take
advantage of it.

  Just as I was beginning to reach my wits’ end, spring returned and I was able again to escape the mad palace and restart construction. Kurit slept through Raelik’s second year celebration, having stayed up the night before drinking, after what I was told was a particularly nasty argument with Kasha. Quite frankly, I was glad he was not there to add his surly self to the party. The only exception was when Raelik asked for his father. My heart breaking for my son, I explained that Papa was very tired and managed to direct the boy’s attention elsewhere.

  But the return to the project made most of winter’s anger and depression go away. By the end of the summer, all the buildings were up. Neat little rows of white stone houses lined three sides of the marketplace, their number greater than was currently needed. The market itself was large and open, making it easy for guards to stroll about and keep an eye on things. There was ample room for dozens of regular merchants, and room for significant expansion during peak times of caravan travel as well.

  As the finishing touches were completed on the new houses, the people packed their few belongings from their old, crowded homes and began carrying them to their new ones. The new houses, most of which were of a uniform size and design, were assigned by lottery. I stood to the side, helping the architects design the rows of shops that would replace the old homes once they were vacated. It delighted me to watch the happy people moving their things.

  One afternoon, however, I witnessed something that was far from happy. A pale, emaciated, and bruised woman was struggling to carry a wooden crate of poorly packed items. She stumbled and fell, dropping the crate before her. I could not tell what was in the crate, but the sound of breaking glass was clearly audible.

  I was about to ask one of my guards to go and assist the poor woman when I saw something so absolutely horrific that I froze in my place. A man raced up behind her and shouted several obscenities at her. She tried to apologize, but her tears enraged him. He beat her about the head with his fists, and when she cowered on the ground, covering her head with her arms, he kicked her in the ribs.