Sorrows of Adoration

by Kimberly Chapman

  Kurit was still rambling with his sorrowful apologies. I glared at him, and he stopped, removing his hand from my shoulder. He looked at me through eyes red from tears and tried to touch my arm with some kind of sorry affection. I moved myself out of reach and tried to sit up, never ceasing my glare, though it did waver when I was hit with vertigo from sitting up too quickly.

  “I shall run and fetch Tash,” Kurit said. “Be still, Aenna. I shall bring him at once.” He began to rise, as did I. “No, Aenna, you mustn’t try to stand,” he said. He came to my side and tried to touch me again.

  In fury and disgust, I moved myself away from him and managed to rise to my feet. I used my anger to lend me strength as I had when returning to Endren from my abduction. My head swam with dizziness, and my stomach lurched, but I had found a wall on which to lean and was able to remain still and continue to glare at my husband.

  He stood helplessly across the room from me, not knowing what to do, it seemed. Tears of great regret rolled down his drunken cheeks, but they served only to fan the flame of my fury. He held out his hands plaintively and said, “I didn’t mean to strike you.”

  It was such an absurd statement; how could one put their fist to the face of someone they supposedly loved and then claim that it had not been intended? His adamant plea for my immediate forgiveness enraged me all the more. Without a word, I stumbled to the door and out of the room.

  “Aenna, please!” he cried out behind me. I shut him out of my mind as I climbed the stairs as quickly as I could.

  He did not follow me. I looked behind me when I reached my chamber door, and he was not there. Still furious, I stormed into my rooms and called out loudly to Leiset. She hurriedly came out of her room. Before she could speak, I began issuing orders, keeping my head low so she would not see the swelling I could feel growing on my face. “Pack yourself a bag, Leiset. We’re going to the royal cottage. I’ll gather my own things together. Move quickly, and once you have what you need packed, go and summon the coachman. Tell him we’re leaving immediately. And while you’re downstairs, arrange for guards to ride with us. Actually, before you go downstairs, go please first to Jarik’s room and tell him we’re going to the cottage, and that he may join us if he wishes and if he can pack a bag quickly enough. I’ll take care of fetching Raelik and Lyenta. Go, now, Leiset. Move quickly.”

  She did not move. She stood there stunned, and in retrospect I do not blame her. “Aenna, by the Temple, what is it? I don’t understand,” Leiset said.

  I looked up at her angrily, and she caught sight of the swelling on my right cheek. I could feel it throbbing, and I imagined that it must already have been quite red. Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped. She rushed to my side and said, “No, this can’t be what I suspect it to be. Oh, Aenna—”

  I held up my hand to silence her. “There is no time for this now, Leiset. We are leaving the palace tonight before anyone can see me. I won’t have this kingdom fall apart because of rumour and accusation. Go now. Do as I ask, please.”

  Leiset nodded. “For how long should I pack?”

  My mind was operating in a single line of thought and clinging to that line desperately. I was unprepared for the question, having not thought that far ahead, and felt my grasp on stability slip as a result. I shook my head to regain control and bluntly answered, “I don’t know. A month, perhaps. Perhaps longer.”

  Leiset nodded again and began to carry out my requests quickly. I went into my bedchamber and started piling clothing on the bed. I did everything in a deliberate, calculated fashion in order to prevent any anomaly from shaking my tenuous grasp on sanity. I found my travel bags and began carefully folding the clothes into them. Leiset entered at some point and said that she was going to alert Jarik, the coachman, and the guards.

  “What should I tell Jarik?” she asked tentatively.

  Again, I was unprepared for the question and had to force myself to concentrate on my one clear intention of leaving the palace. “Just tell him that I’m leaving on an urgent journey immediately, and since he will be upset if I go anywhere without his protection, he may as well hurry up and come along.”

  A few minutes later, Jarik came running into the bedchamber. I continued my packing, which kept the injured side of my face away from his view.

  “Aenna, what is it? What’s this nonsense about leaving in the middle of the night?” he asked.

  “Just go and pack your bag if you’re coming along,” I said without emotion.

  Of course, he could not accept such a reply. He came to me and put his hands on my shoulders as he asked, “What has Kurit said to you now?” Turning me towards him, he caught sight of my swollen cheek. His eyes widened as Leiset’s had. “By the Temple, Aenna …” he whispered in shock. He tried to pull me into an embrace, but I would not let him.

  “Jarik, not now. Go and get your things if you’re coming with me,” I said, wriggling my shoulders out of his hands. I turned back to the task of packing, but from the corner of my eye I saw that he was no longer sad. His face had grown dark with anger, and his fists were clenched at his sides.

  “Don’t just stand there, Jarik. The coach will be leaving the courtyard very soon, and if you’re not there, then believe me, I shall go without you. Choose now whether it is more important to you to go and bludgeon Kurit or to come with me. Quite frankly, I no longer care. But the coach will leave with or without you.” I fastened my bags shut and lifted them from the bed. As I tried to pass him, he took them from my hands.

  “Go and fetch your son, then,” he said quietly. “I’ll carry these and collect my own things together, then meet you in the courtyard in less than five minutes.”

  I nodded and let him take my bags, as I did feel a little wobbly still from the blow.

  I hurried to the nursery, afraid that Kurit would be in the corridor, but he wasn’t. I picked Raelik up out of his bed, bundling him in a blanket as I did so. I whispered to Lyenta that we were leaving the palace immediately and that she should quickly gather together whatever she and Raelik would need for perhaps a month’s stay at the cottage.

  “Don’t fuss over anything,” I said. “Just do it quickly and bring the bags down to the courtyard.”

  Raelik stirred momentarily in my arms but dropped back into sleep as I cuddled him to me. I left the nursery, walking as swiftly as I could without jostling my son awake. I found it difficult to go down the stairs, as I had to support myself on the banister, leaving only one tired and trembling arm to carry Raelik against me.

  When I finally reached the bottom, I saw light coming from Kurit’s open workroom door. I looked in that direction and saw his silhouetted figure there, watching me. I then turned away and walked through the Great Hall as though I had not seen him.

  It was not long before we were all in the coach—Leiset beside me, Jarik across from me beside Lyenta, and Raelik asleep in my lap. As the coach began to move, Raelik sat up and blinked in wonder. He looked at me and sleepily asked, “Mumma?”

  “Hush, sweet boy,” I said softly to him as I pulled him into a hug. “We’re just going on a little adventure. We’re taking a trip to the cottage, and there we shall play in the fields and I shall teach you to swim in the lake. Would you like that, Raelik?”

  He nodded, yawned, and nuzzled his head into my shoulder. I cooed at him awhile longer until he fell back asleep. No one else spoke a word, thankfully, and I took to staring out the window at the darkness. I had deliberately chosen the seat that put my right side towards the window so the others would not have to continually avert their eyes from what felt like an enormous lump on my face.

  As we rode along, I clung to my little boy, frequently kissing the top of his head. About an hour into the journey, Leiset broke the awkward silence by asking if I wanted her to take Raelik for a while.

  “No,” I whispered. “I could not bear to let go of him right now.”

  Halfway to the cottage, the coach paused at the rest station that had been built in the aftermath of
the unpleasant ride to the cottage on my wedding night. I allowed Lyenta to take Raelik from me, knowing that he would need to be taken to the outhouse. Leiset went with them, leaving Jarik and me in the coach alone.

  “Are you going to go outside as well?” he asked.

  Without looking at him, I shook my head. He moved from his bench to sit beside me and tried to take my hand. I pulled it away from him, knowing that if I looked at him or touched him, the pain of what had happened would become real to me. I did not wish to break down when I would still have to spend another two hours in this coach with my son.

  He tried again to touch me in comfort, so I said, “Not now, Jarik. Not yet.”

  He removed his hand and whispered sadly, “I understand.” Then he left me alone in the coach, and I let my mind go numb, just as it had when I was locked in the box under the cart, courtesy of my abductors.

  When they came back to the coach, Raelik was awake and chattering excitedly. He scrambled into my lap and told me in his sweet little child’s voice that Lyenta had let him pat the horses. I wrapped my arms around him and feigned interest in an appropriate, motherly way, asking him about it and letting him babble to me. Soon I said, “Raelik dear, I’m sure you’ll have all sorts of wonderful adventures starting tomorrow at the cottage. Why don’t you sleep now in Mumma’s lap so you can play all day long tomorrow?” I kissed his forehead and snuggled him against me, loving him entirely. He spoke to me a short time longer and then eventually fell asleep in my arms.

  We all sat in an awkward, tired silence for the remainder of the trip. When we arrived, Mikel awaited us at the door.

  “Majesty, your messenger arrived an hour ago to say you were coming,” he said nervously, no doubt wondering why we would be arriving so unexpectedly and in the middle of the night. “Pirine is just finishing putting fresh sheets on the beds. Forgive us, Majesty. Had we known you were coming we would have been better prepared—”

  I held up a hand to quiet him, my other arm carrying my sleeping son. “Don’t fret about it,” I whispered. “It was urgent that we come tonight. Whatever you see or hear while I am here is to be considered extremely private and not to be discussed with anyone.” My mind was still on its directed track of emotionless activity as I passed Mikel and entered the cottage.

  “Of course, Majesty,” I heard him say behind me.

  I carried Raelik swiftly upstairs to the makeshift nursery. Pirine saw that the child was sleeping and kept thankfully quiet as I put Raelik in the small bed. He did not wake, even as I kissed his sweet forehead goodnight and left him and Lyenta in the room together.

  I went to the corridor to find Jarik, Leiset, and Pirine standing there. They watched me, unsure what to do next. “Make yourselves comfortable in whatever rooms you wish,” I said quietly as I walked past them to the master bedchamber. “We shall remain here until my face no longer bears a mark. If anyone should ask, this is merely an unscheduled vacation because I have felt fatigued lately.”

  As I reached the bedchamber door, I realized that I had also reached the end of my clear and linear plan. I had known what I wanted to happen and what I would ensure did happen until that last instruction. Having completed that, I was plunged into a frightening lack of knowledge or direction. My fury at Kurit had fuelled me to that point, but misery quickly came to replace the anger.

  The thought of something else to tell those still standing in the corridor fluttered briefly in my mind, but by the time I had opened my mouth, I couldn’t remember what I had wanted to say. I became confused and disoriented, and then I was hit by such a wave of anguish I could barely manage to turn the doorknob and enter the bedchamber.

  Only two small lanterns were lit in the room, providing enough light to move about but not so much as to banish the darkness. Because of this, the room was eerie and made me shudder. The sight of the bed where Kurit had first made love with me broke my heart, and I wondered what madness had possessed me to come here and suffer these memories. I put my hands to my face to stifle a sob, for I was still beside the door and did not wish to be heard in my weakness.

  Unable to bear the thought of touching the bed where Kurit had loved me, I went instead to the small couch at the other end of the room and sat with my head in my hands. I wept quietly, hoping no one would enter to see how wretchedly pitiful I had become. For that was what I imagined myself—a pitiable child, broken-hearted that her bard-song romance was truly over. Kurit had become some other man, some terrible, brutish dog who seemingly held no love for me. I ached miserably as I longed for the man I had known. I thought of his old roguish grin and wept all the more for missing it.

  I heard the door to the hall open but did not look to see who entered. I prayed that they would see me in sorrow and leave me be.

  I realized it was Jarik as he sat beside me on the couch and put a gentle hand on my back. His touch was so kind and warm, I could feel the heat from each finger through my dress. I was tempted to revel in the warmth of his hand, but the guilty thought made me feel even worse.

  “I cannot talk about it now, Jarik,” I whispered, trying very hard to prevent my voice from quavering.

  “I don’t care if you wish to speak or not,” his voice rumbled softly. “But I am not about to leave you alone in here to suffer without comfort.”

  I tried to brush the tears of shame from my face, but new ones kept replacing them. I hated myself for being so pathetic. “I am alone,” I muttered.

  “No, Aenna, you’re not,” he whispered. Though I tried to shrink away from it, he pulled me into an embrace, wrapping his warm, strong arms around me. I wanted him to go, but I felt so safe and loved in his arms that I could not tell him to leave. Again, the miserable guilt of enjoying his touch while so missing the man to whom I was wed combined to turn the knife further into my heart. I burst into body-wrenching sobs against Jarik. The more I wept, the greater shame I felt, and the worse the tears became.

  He pulled me up into his lap to cradle me against him as he might a child, rocking me slowly and whispering kind words. He kissed my forehead frequently, resting his cheek against my hair the rest of the time.

  Soon fatigue wore down my sobs into a numb flow of quiet tears. He lifted his head from mine and looked at me with tender concern, gently stroking my wet cheek. I tried to escape his gaze, but my eyes were locked to his, and I could not break the hold he had on me.

  “He struck me,” I blurted out.

  Jarik nodded sadly.

  “I knew I couldn’t stay in the palace. I knew I could not remain there, sporting his bruise, causing scandal and demonstrating that he broke his own law. I had the presence of mind to come here, but, Jarik, whatever do I do now?”

  “I don’t know, Aenna,” he said softly. His voice was very deep with the late hour and his sorrow for me. “I wish I did. Truly, Aenna, I wish I had all the answers for you. All I can tell you is that you are not alone in this. I shall not leave you alone. I shall not let further harm befall you. I shall remain at your side and do whatever you need of me.”

  I rose from his lap and poured myself some of the water that Pirine had thoughtfully placed in a pitcher on the dresser. I took a sip of it, letting the coolness soothe my sore throat. Then I pressed the glass to my burning cheeks. It ached, and the minor physical discomfort of it was oddly soothing.

  After a moment, I set the glass down and sighed. “I can’t help but feel awful for pushing him to this,” I whispered.

  Jarik was suddenly behind me, his hands on my shoulders, turning me about rather roughly. “No!” he said loudly. His face was stern as he repeated, “No. Aenna, you did not cause this. I will hold you, I will support you, I will do what I can to soothe you, but I will not abide you to blame yourself! You will cease such thoughts immediately, Aenna.”

  I closed my eyes and tiredly tried to explain. “You don’t understand. I wanted to get through to him, but instead I infuriated him and—”

  “Stop it, Aenna,” he commanded, giving me a slight shake.
I opened my eyes and looked at him in exhausted sorrow. He pulled me to him in a tight embrace and declared, “There is neither justification nor reason for what Kurit has done to you this night. The only just provocation of violence is defence against violence, so unless you physically threatened him, he had no right to strike you. And I very much doubt you threatened him, did you?”

  “No, I did not,” I whispered sadly into his chest.

  “Of course you didn’t. You earned his wrath as much as that woman you rescued in the market earned the wrath of her husband.”

  “That was different,” I said.

  “How so?”

  “He kept her locked up like a slave and beat her maliciously and frequently.”

  “The difference is only in duration and severity, not in morality,” Jarik said. “Only a man lacking in honour would strike his wife.”

  “Stop, please,” I whispered as I pulled out of his embrace. “You may be right but it only breaks my heart to hear it.” I was so tired and upset, I found myself needing to lean on the back of a chair to keep myself upright. “It does not help me to hate him. He’s still my husband. And he’s still your King.”

  Jarik nodded and said no more against Kurit. Instead, he softly said, “It is quite late, Aenna. You are barely able to stand. I shall call Leiset in from the adjoining room to help you change your clothes and go to bed.”

  Soon after, when I did finally slip between the covers and put my head on the pillow, I worried briefly that I would not be able to sleep because of my heartache. But no sooner had the thought left my mind than I succumbed to weariness and depression and slept.

  Chapter 20

  I WOKE THE NEXT morning to the sound of Raelik’s laughter echoing in the corridor outside of my room. I could hear Lyenta trying to hush him, but it sounded as though the boy was in a mischievous mood and paying no heed to her instruction.

  Wearily, I rose and staggered to the door. When I opened it, Raelik ran inside giggling, Lyenta in chase close behind.