Sorrows of Adoration

by Kimberly Chapman

  Jarik said nothing, and I felt odd under his continued gaze. A shiver passed over me despite the warm wind. I turned and went back into my chambers, closing the doors behind me.

  I sat back on the bed and stared into the air before me. Did he believe me? I wondered. Does he believe that I shall be fine? I don’t feel fine. Did he see that?

  Another chill passed over me, though I was not actually cold. I turned and looked at the pillow that I had tossed aside before and found myself wishing that Jarik were with me and holding me. I wished that I could be strong and independent, but I had to admit to myself that I was neither in that moment, and truly, I longed for Jarik’s comfort.

  I decided that I could not handle just sitting there and staring at that lifeless pillow a moment longer. I rose, walked quickly from my room, and went to Jarik’s door. But there I paused, my hand about to knock, when I was overcome again with irritation and shame at my own weakness.

  I placed my hands and forehead on his door and leaned upon it. It was solid against my skin, and I imagined it was Jarik’s armoured chest. The thought of being close to him took hold of my mind, and I found myself opening the door without bothering to knock at all.

  When I entered the room, I saw him standing in the doorway to the balcony. A small lamp by his bed was lit, and its light was sufficient that I could see his sad face as he beheld me.

  “I did not come to seduce you,” I blurted, though I know not why.

  He replied simply, “I know.”

  I sighed and put my arms across my chest, each hand on the opposite upper arm, as if I were cold, though I was not. I looked at the floor in shame, not knowing what to say.

  My obviously troubled demeanour gave him concern, and he approached me. Gently, he put his hands over my own and then moved one under my chin to tip my face up to look at him. He looked as though he were about to speak, but did not. Instead, he just gently caressed my cheek and hair and then pulled me into an embrace.

  “I need you,” I whispered. “I need this, to be in your arms. I’m sorry.”

  “There’s nothing to be sorry for, Aenna. I love you. I am always here for you. You know that. I would rather know of your troubles and be some small comfort to you than to suspect you might be troubled but fear to tell me.”

  “I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like needing you so much, Jarik. I used to be strong; as solid as the statue of me that stands in the marketplace.”

  “You’re not made of stone, Aenna. Lean on me. I shall not let you fall.”

  His sweet words touched my heart. I could say nothing in return.

  He kissed the top of my head and said, “Let me take you back to your bed. I shall stay with you, if you wish.”

  I nodded against his chest, fighting the urge to weep again. How I loathed my tears and myself for shedding them.

  Keeping one arm around my shoulders, Jarik led me back to my bedchamber. He pulled back the bed sheets, and I lay down. He laid himself beside me, slipping a strong arm under my neck and the other around me as I curled my arms against his chest. I moved my head forward against his shoulder and felt my forehead brush his bearded chin. I closed my eyes and let myself drift to sleep in his most beautiful embrace.

  When I awoke in the morning, I did so alone. Jarik was nowhere to be seen. I did not find him until after I had eaten a quick and small breakfast. I only ate at all because Leiset kept nagging me about how terribly thin I had become.

  Jarik was outside with Raelik, showing him how to hold a small wooden sword. My Champion looked up at me briefly when I arrived but did not take his attention away from my son long enough to directly acknowledge me. He showed the boy how to properly stand, though Raelik was still such a small child that he had trouble keeping his balance. I feared he would become frustrated and upset, but Jarik was so patient and encouraging that my boy showed no sign of such unpleasant emotions.

  Only when Raelik was playing confidently and safely with his new toy did Jarik approach me.

  “Much as I adore seeing you spending such thoughtful time with him, I very much dislike seeing him with a weapon in his hand,” I said so only Jarik could hear.

  “We have already spoken of this, Aenna. The boy needs to learn these things someday, and right now he needs to feel like a man. And he’s perfectly safe—I had Mikel make that dummy for him without any sharp points or edges, and I personally ensured that it was sanded smoothly so he won’t get splinters.”

  “Thank you. I appreciate your concern,” I said a little sadly. Raelik was not swinging the wooden sword about at all, but rather practicing standing ready with it as Jarik had shown him. His small face was very serious with concentration.

  “He is my kin, after all,” said Jarik. “Though I’d care likewise for any child of yours, even if you had not married Kurit.”

  “What do you think Kurit is doing right now?” I wondered aloud.

  “I’d rather not speculate. If I guess something unpleasant and am wrong, I will be guilty of doubting my cousin and King. If I guess something honourable and am wrong, I do him a service of trust he does not deserve.”

  I nodded. “I wish I knew. Do you think that perhaps he needs me there?”

  Jarik sighed and face became dark. “Not half as much as I feel the need to keep you away from him.”

  “Then you do doubt him.”

  “No. And yes. I want to believe that he will return to the man that we knew and respected in years past. I’m simply not willing to risk your safety on that.”

  “We must return eventually.”

  “Yes. And I shall be within close range of you at all times. Unless I sense improvement, I shall be quite loathe to let him be alone with you.”

  There was a short silence as I debated asking him my next question. “Why did you leave me to wake alone?”

  He looked at me sadly and then looked about to see if anyone was nearby and watching. When he had satisfied himself that we were alone but for the small boy who paid us no heed, he put his arms gently around me and cupped my head against his chest. “It tore my heart to leave you there, Aenna, but I could not risk Lyenta, Pirine, or even Leiset finding me in your bed. I will not allow your name to be sullied by rumour.”

  Jarik ended the embrace and again looked about us suspiciously. He had held me many times before without concern for who saw it, and it was odd that now he would worry about rumours. I thought that perhaps he was concerned more so now that we had been intimate and thus could not honestly deny an accusation of impropriety.

  “Does that mean you will not hold me again tonight?”

  “Aenna, my main concern is for your well-being. If that requires me to hold you through part of the night, then I shall do so. But I also must be vigilant and ensure that your good name is not slandered by idle tongues.”

  “Do you hold me only because I need it, then?”

  With another quick glance about, he put a gentle hand to my cheek. “Of course not, Aenna. You know that I love you. I was enraptured last night as I held you and watched you sleep.

  “Did you not sleep then?”

  “Not until I left your room, no.”

  “Why ever not? I was in no danger last night.”

  He smiled and blushed slightly and then said in a low voice, “If I tell you why, you shall laugh at me.”

  “Oh, Jarik, I’d never do any such thing.”

  “It’s ridiculously silly. Boyish, even.” He blushed further, and I loved it. What an adorable thing, to see the mightiest warrior reduced to a silly blush! He averted his eyes from mine and pretended to concentrate on Raelik.

  I glanced at my son and could tell from the child’s expression that he was beginning to tire of his current play and would undoubtedly soon come seeking other entertainment. I knew then that I only had a few moments to drag this information out of Jarik before he would gladly accept Raelik’s inevitable distraction.

  “Tell me, please. I promise I shall neither laugh nor mock you.”

>   He did not look at me as he quietly said, “Your bruise is almost gone. We shall have to return to Endren soon, and my time of being close to you shall end. Well, it shall hopefully end, for that is the result if Kurit’s sensibilities have returned to him. I love my cousin and I love you, and I do very much wish to see you both happy again, even if it does mean that I have no cause to take you away and make you my wife.”

  “You’re changing the subject.”

  Jarik glanced at me briefly and chuckled. “Curse you for being so intelligent,” he teased.

  “And curse you for being so obfuscating. Now tell me why you remained awake half the night,” I insisted, though I smiled as I spoke.

  He sighed and looked away again. “Because, Gods be kind, I shall never again have the opportunity to hold you as you sleep. I could not bear to waste a single moment of that time on my own slumber. You were so beautiful and at peace—I wanted to paint a portrait of you like that in my mind, and so I just looked at you all night. Then when the first light of dawn began to peek through the window, I slipped my arms out from under you so as not to wake you. I remained in the room, standing by your bed for a few moments to ensure that you were still sleeping, and then I quietly left.”

  I thought I might weep silly, girlish tears of romantic joy at his words, but I managed to hold them back. Just as I was about to take his face between my hands and kiss him—not caring a whit who saw—Raelik came bounding to us joyfully.

  “Raelik!” said Jarik loudly but in concern more than anger. “I do recall having told you that you are not to run about with that sword.”

  Raelik slowed his pace immediately. He walked the remainder of the distance quite slowly and carefully, looking to Jarik for approval.

  “Much better, Your Highness,” said Jarik respectfully, earning an enormous grin from the boy as he stopped just in front of us. “You shall have to always be very careful with that sword, or your mother will make me take it from you. And it is a great shame for a warrior to be stripped of his weapon.”

  Raelik looked sheepishly at me. I nodded at him seriously, though he was so adorable that I had to prevent myself from scooping him up in delight. Then my son bowed to me—he actually put his arm before his waist and bowed to me in perfect respect and honour! It was the most adorable sight I had ever seen, and I lost all resolve as a result. I did bend and pick him up in my arms as he let the sword fall to the ground. He seemed so heavy in my recently weakened arms, but I held him tightly to me nonetheless.

  “Oh, my sweet boy, Mumma loves you so very much!” I said as I kissed the top of his head. He looked up at me, planted a joyous kiss on my cheek, and then favoured me with another big grin.

  I heard Jarik laughing merrily behind us. I glanced at him long enough to see him bend and retrieve the wooden sword, and then we walked happily back to the cottage for our midday meal.

  * * *

  I did not have to fetch Jarik that night. He came to my room shortly after I had put out the lamps. He asked me quietly first if I wanted his company again, and of course I said yes. I lifted the sheets for him as he slipped into bed beside me and once again wrapped his loving arms around me.

  I had been thinking about what had occurred by the lake before he arrived and was quite aroused. Though I had no intention of asking him again to make love with me, I could not help but gently kiss his neck, as it was right there before my face. When I brushed my lips softly along his throat and put them around the masculine ridge therein, he moaned and I felt the vibrations of it in my mouth.

  I continued kissing his neck though he twice whispered that I should not. Finally, he pulled back from me and said, “Do not tempt me, Aenna.”

  I sighed and felt immediately guilty. “You’re right. I’m sorry. It is unfair to do this to you when I have every intention of returning to my husband.”

  “Do not mistake me—I appreciate your affection. Very much so. I just don’t think that I can continue to resist you.”

  “I do not intend to ask you to make love with me again, Jarik. I merely longed for your lips.”

  He caressed my cheek and whispered, “Ah. Well, that much I can certainly handle.” Then he leaned forward and pressed his mouth to mine. I parted my lips to accept his adept tongue and thereafter became lost in time as we kissed each other in hungry love.

  When we reached a point where the kissing had become so fervent that he clutched me to him and our moans began to rise above whispers, he tore his lips away from mine and buried his face in the pillow beneath my head. After a moment, he raised himself up to look at me and breathlessly said, “I cannot go on. My hands yearn to wander where they should not, and my mind is filled with lust.”

  “You won’t leave, will you?”

  He shook his head. “No. I could not bear to go, but neither can my body bear to continue on in this. Allow me please to just hold you, perhaps to speak for some time until our fires burn out.”

  I nodded and smiled, sufficiently happy to snuggle more innocently into his embrace. He gave me one more kiss, a sweet little one on my forehead, and said, “I love you. I shall always love you, for I always have.”

  “You promised you would tell me how it could be that you loved me before you even truly knew me.”

  “That I did. Very well, I shall tell you. But first you need to know that I was not always the man you know me to be. Before we met, Aenna, I was a bit of a scoundrel.”

  “A scoundrel? You? I cannot believe that!” I said incredulously, almost forgetting to keep my voice low, lest we be heard and the entire house know that we were together behind closed doors at such a late hour.

  “Perhaps scoundrel is too strong a word, for I never showed a lady any disrespect.” He shifted, cleared his throat in obvious embarrassment, and then said, “I just went to bed with several of them.”

  “Several?”

  “Several.”

  “How many is several?” I asked and then realized it was quite indecorous of me to ask.

  Jarik gave me an odd look—somewhere between a smile and reproach—and said simply, “Several.”

  “Ah. Sorry.”

  He kissed my forehead sweetly and continued. “The priests may tell us that the Gods have no gender, but I cannot believe that. Some of them must be men, for only men could conceive of such exquisite creatures as women and not create an equivalent thing of beauty for those women to enjoy.”

  “Oh, I think you’re being unfair,” I said. “I find men to be quite enticing. It is, in fact, my misfortune to find two of your kind to be quite alluring.”

  “Ah, but my sweet Lady, you are a woman of great sensuality. I do think that most of your gender finds mine repugnant at best, and duly so. Regardless, the fact remains that I find women to be marvellous creatures. All of them, even the ones other men would find ugly. I have not yet beheld a woman who was completely devoid of attractive features—even vile and hateful women such as Sashken. Though of course I have always loathed her and still now curse her spirit’s name for her crimes, even she had physically attractive qualities.”

  “Such as?”

  “Her mouth,” he said, a little too quickly for my liking. “She had a thin and ugly face, but upon it sat the sweetest little mouth. Perfectly full lips that always seemed lusciously dark against her pale skin.” Jarik noticed me rolling my eyes and whispered, “Do not be jealous, my love. I never wished to kiss that mouth, for she was an awful person. Furthermore, I cannot abide stupidity, and she certainly was no great thinker. I am merely trying to explain to you that I had always lived a life in worship of the female form and all the treasures therein.

  “I had no desire to marry, though. I found love songs sung by bards to be silly, for what a waste it seemed to swear to be only with one woman, when there were so many others out there bearing gifts of exotic pleasure. And so, I was quite careful to never seduce a woman myself, lest she try to snare me into a marriage thereafter. I simply made myself available in the presence of women and all
owed those who were desirous of my attentions to seduce me. Only once did I make the mistake of bedding a virgin, though fortunately she had no desire to wed a ‘brutish’ fellow as myself, or so she said. And never did I have relations with a married or betrothed woman. Until now, I suppose.” He looked at me guiltily.

  I smiled at him and touched his face. “Jarik, this has hardly been a purely sexual relationship.”

  “I know,” he said quietly, pulling me towards him tightly for a moment. “And not all of them were either. Not that I compare you to them in any way; that you must understand. I did not love them. But there were some that I considered to be good friends.

  “There was one woman in particular who teased me by calling me her ‘plaything’, though I knew she respected me. She was widowed very young and had spent many years sampling other men as a result. She was much older than myself and taught me how to pleasure her in a variety of exotic fashions.”

  I found myself wondering if that was where he had learned to do what he had done for me by the lake, but I did not want to interrupt his story with yet another indecorous question.

  “I cared not for any woman’s station or family name. I cared only for the woman herself, be she a lady of the court, a daughter of a lord, or a servant girl. So long as she was pleasant, at least reasonably intelligent, clean, and, of course, willing to seduce me to her bed, I was interested. And that’s who I was; that was how I lived, and I rather liked it.

  “Then one evening I found myself at an old outpost because my dearest friend and cousin Kurit had fled there in anger over yet another fight with his meddlesome mother. And in burst this girl, and, my dear, your face may have been pretty, but you were a mess!” He laughed as he spoke, as did I. “Your clothes were torn, your hair entangled and even holding a bit of a dead leaf whipped there by the strong winds, your entire self dusty from travel and sweating from effort.”