He stopped laughing and in a serious voice tinged with the sweetness of fond memory said, “But in your eyes was a fire unlike I had ever before seen in a woman and only very rarely in men who have been deeply wronged and were seeking justice. You asked who the Prince was, and, to protect Kurit in worry that you may have sought to strike at him, I stood and claimed his name. Of course, you fell to your knees and told us of what you had heard.
“When you told us how you had run to us without rest, I was awed by such endurance and bravery, all for a man you could not even identify. Then, your story told, the fire left your eyes as your mission was accomplished and fatigue hit with full force. I saw then in your eyes not a plea for reward or even help as I expected, but instead a concern for me, eyes like that of a worried friend, even though you did not know me. My heart was stolen by that look of concern. I was touched in a way that I had never before felt or imagined possible.
“Then you actually begged our forgiveness for a rude intrusion, and I was in disbelief that a bedraggled peasant woman could be so brave, so strong, and so noble as to display such courtesy at such a time.” He looked deeply into my eyes as he spoke and touched my cheek fondly. “I know much of this is known to you, but I must explain my thoughts and feelings.
“Your energy drained and your body weakened, you turned to the wall beside you for support and tried to leave instead of looking to us for assistance as was your right as a woman and as an obviously loyal subject. My poor Aenna, so weak and yet so noble. You could not find the door. When I saw that, an aching began in my chest that was utterly foreign to me. I was compelled to care for you.
“I went to you and started to lift you, and with your last ounce of strength you told me to not waste my time on a peasant girl but to leave for the safety of a friendly town before it was too late, and then you fainted away in my arms. In that moment, my Aenna, being close to you, touching you, hearing your brave words, I suddenly understood the literature and songs that speak of an instant flame of love that burns in the heart. I was enraptured by everything that you were, which I shouldn’t have been. What I should have been doing was doubting you and wondering what trap you might be laying, trying to get the Prince out in the woods, perhaps having bandits in ambush.
“I should have been pondering such possibilities, but I didn’t until much later, when it would have been too late anyway. For I loved you already, and I lost all objectivity and sense because I was unprepared to ever feel that way, especially since, as you have pointed out, I did not know you. In any objective sense, it was madness to have feelings for you at all. But the words in my mind were ‘I love this woman’, and that, to be honest, frightened me.
“Of course as you know, we decided to leave, knowing that we would be outnumbered and the threat that you had described could come at any moment. We considered that perhaps you did not wish to be taken with us, but we surely could not leave you unconscious there to be slain. So Kurit and I decided to take you with us and knew that, when everything was sorted out later, we could ensure that you were taken anywhere that you wanted to go. But of course, in my mind, I had no intention of letting you slip through my fingers so easily,” Jarik said, smiling at me for a brief moment.
“That is when I realized that I should have been more wary of you. Although I couldn’t bring myself to disbelieve you, it was my duty to be certain, so I mounted my horse and searched the area around the outpost to see if I could lure out any ambush. Of course there was none, so I returned, found that Kurit had placed you in the cart with Gilaela, and we left.
“As you know, we eventually saw the outpost burning and decided to split company before the assassins could catch up to us. I offered to be a decoy, and took Kurit’s crested cloak so that anyone who saw me pass would think it had been the Prince. I had not anticipated that you would so adamantly refuse to slow me down, especially since Gilaela was with me anyway. I admit, I was suspicious of you at that moment, but the sound plan was still for you to think that I was the Prince and let me ride into whatever ambush you may have had planned.
“When all was said and done and I returned to the palace days later, I did so with the hope that you had not yet left. Had you been gone, I would surely have set off to find you and request the pleasure of knowing you. I learned you were in the palace when I found Kurit and embraced him, glad of course to see that he had returned in health. He told me how one of the assassins had eluded our justice and learned that they had chased the wrong man, which led the fiend to lie in wait for his return to Endren. Then he told me how you had once again saved his life, that time taking a bolt meant for him.
“I was shaken badly by that, but then he said that you were alive and recovering, and that Tash had said you seemed healthy and would certainly live. I went to the chamber where you slept, sat beside your bed, and held your hand.” Jarik’s eyes grew wistful, and I thought perhaps he might weep, but he did not. “Your hand, Aenna, I felt that it was rough with peasant’s work. I told myself that the moment you woke, I would ask that you would allow me to court you, and if you agreed I would ensure that you never laboured as a peasant again.”
He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it softly. I smiled at him as he continued.
“I wondered if somewhere you had a family, because for all that we knew, you might have had a husband somewhere waiting for your return. A small part of me did fear that you would turn out to be unpleasant or not very bright or some other such thing, but I could not believe that anyone who would risk their life as you had could be anything less than kind and noble. I was desperate to know more about you and thereafter to pursue you romantically, perhaps even to wed you. I could not believe that I was thinking such things, but I was. I knew that I was not the same man I had been before and was surprised to realize that I did not regret the change.
“I sat there for some time. Eventually, Kurit entered and asked quietly if you were not a remarkable woman. Of course, I agreed, and on the edge of my breath was an admission that I was enchanted by you and intended to court you. Then Kurit told me that he had pledged his love to you and that he intended to ask you to be his bride.”
Jarik’s face fell. “Kurit continued to speak, I think perhaps telling me the tale of how you both had unexpectedly fallen in love on your journey, but I heard none of it. There was a rushing sound in my ears, and it took all that I had not to lose my temper to frustration and pain. Had he been any other man, I would have challenged him on the spot to fight for your love, even though I had no reason to think that you would even desire me. I know, it’s perfectly ridiculous, yet still the truth.
“But this man who said he had won your heart was my cousin, my dearest friend, and my Prince to whom I was loyal in all things. So I said nothing as he told the tale. I simply sat there as that new self I had become was crushed into nothingness. What was left was not the man I had been before but yet another man, determined to do my duty by my Prince and now future Princess. I knew that the only way I could endure the heartache and resentment would be to love you as the wife of my cousin and perhaps, in time, as a friend. It occurred to me that, as a Princess, you would require a Champion, and I knew then and there that that role would be mine to claim.
“I had thought that my yearning for you would fade, since it was in fact an infatuation based on scant knowledge and your pretty face. I assumed that once you settled into a life with Kurit, my head would sort itself out and I would once again become the man I had been before knowing you. But that did not happen. I became increasingly obsessed with you as time went on. Your goodness, your sharp mind, and all of your other qualities validated my love. My desire for you has yet to relent.”
Jarik pulled me close to him and stroked my hair gently. “When I searched for you after you’d been stolen away from us, I felt a most terrible emptiness. I longed for a woman that I knew I could never have. I felt a heart-wrenching guilt, for I knew that I had failed you as a Champion. Oh, I know you shall tell me I did not fail you, but I did. I was not
watching you when I should have been, and that was deliberate. I had begun to think improper thoughts of you on a nightly basis, and I was ashamed. By the very Temple, you were carrying my cousin’s child, and all I could think of was taking you to my bed! I avoided you when the guilt overcame me, as it had that night. That’s why I went to listen in on the Council—not because I gave a whit as to what those arrogant lords had to say, but because I was too guilt-ridden from my lust to be near you when Kurit was downstairs.
“And so as I searched for you, I had to cope with the knowledge that it was my vile lust that had allowed this to happen to you, albeit indirectly. I thought many times of taking my own life, for I felt dishonoured and thought that only the punishment of death could restore some semblance of my honour. As I rode, I could not help but imagine what vile predicaments and unspeakable tortures you were enduring. It was only the thought of you in pain that held back my suicidal hand. The notion that somewhere you might be praying for your Champion to rescue you kept me going. I could not let you down out of my own selfish need to die.”
He kissed my head several times and sighed unhappily. “When you tried to take your own life, Aenna, I was horrified to know you had felt like that. I have known that pain, and it breaks my heart to know that you have suffered it. It tears at me to know that you felt that alone. That is why I am here with you now, though it costs me my honour as a cousin, friend, and subject to your husband to do so. It is more important to me that you know you are loved, that you are needed, and that you must never feel so empty and alone again. And I shall hold you every night until we return to Endren, if that is what you desire.”
His mention of the fact that we were betraying Kurit filled me with guilt, but I again managed to push the feeling aside. I needed what he was giving me too much to taint it with guilty tears. I needed those arms wrapped around me. I needed his love, and I needed very much to give him love in return. Right or wrong, I knew that I’d slip back into my mad depression without him.
Yet I could not stop myself from asking, “And what shall we do when we return to Endren?”
Jarik relaxed his embrace so that he could once again look at my eyes. “I don’t know, Aenna. That depends on Kurit. I wish I could look into the future for you, that I could use that knowledge to protect you from all harm to body and soul, but I cannot. All I can do is promise that I won’t let him hurt you any more, and that I will not come between you if he is capable once again of loving you as he should.”
I lifted my head from his arm to kiss his mouth tenderly. It was a short kiss, just to tell him that I loved and appreciated him. Then I snuggled back into his embrace and drifted into a troubled sleep.
Chapter 23
FOR THE SHORT time remaining of our stay at the cottage, Jarik held me every night until I slept. Eventually he would quietly return to his own room, always afraid of being found with me in the morning. To be honest, though, I think everyone in that household except Raelik knew that something was afoot between Jarik and myself. Thankfully, they seemed to keep their tongues still about it.
When my bruise had healed and there was no longer any clear reason to remain at the cottage, I sent word to Endren that we would return home. I specifically requested that both royal coaches be sent under the guise of having too many people and too much luggage for one coach. Though that was not entirely false, the real motive behind my request was to spend a few more hours alone with Jarik.
I spent most of the ride home with my head resting on his strong shoulder, his arm around me. We did not speak often, but the silence was not uncomfortable. As always, I felt safe in his presence and was comforted by his touch.
Yet as we entered the last half hour of our journey, I grew restless and fidgety. I sat very straight upon the bench, which made my back ache, what with the bumping and jostling of the coach. Jarik moved his hand gently upon my back in an effort to relax me but to no avail.
“Aenna, we have to believe Kurit will have changed,” he finally said, breaking the silence.
“And if he hasn’t?”
“Then as I told you before, I shall take you away from Endren. Either way, you shall be safe, I swear it.”
I sighed but did not relax. “And what of our intimacy? We have betrayed him. I have transgressed in the eyes of the Gods.”
“I want to regret what happened, Aenna, but I confess, I cannot,” he said.
“Should we tell him?”
Jarik sighed. “I have been pondering that myself. On one hand, my honour dictates that I confess to him all that I have felt and said and done, and to allow him to do what he feels is just in return. On the other hand, to grovel in honesty before him and save what little remains of my own honour is to condemn you as well, and that goes against everything in my mind and heart. I cannot put you in danger of his condemnation, his wrath, and least of all, his legal right of punishment.”
“So then we shall not tell him?” To be honest, I didn’t know what I wanted to do, and I was hoping Jarik would decide for me. In most things in my life, having decisions made for me was at best tiresome, at worst infuriating. But there was an awful consequence to either side of this decision, and I felt truly unable to make it for myself. Perhaps I thought that Jarik making the decision for me would alleviate some of my guilt.
“I think,” he said slowly, “it would be best not to tell him for the time being. Let us see first how he has changed, or not. If he is well again and the kind man we both knew and loved, then perhaps we shall go to him together in time and confess our guilt. The Kurit we knew before would be hurt by such an admission, but I think he would respect our reasons and our honesty, and it would be something we could, in time, heal amongst ourselves.
“But if he remains the wretch who struck you, or is quick to become that wretch again, then we shall simply leave and not confess a word. After all, what would be the point of confession then? Our affections would be obvious in our flight and likely justifiable in the eyes of those left behind.”
It seemed a decision to not make a decision, but I was perfectly pleased with that. I still sat bolt upright in nervous tension as we approached the city, for the issue of Jarik and I aside, there was still the trepidation of which Kurit awaited my return.
In an effort to keep my mind from such worries, I blurted, “You know, Jarik, you really ought to find another woman to love. It’s quite unfair of me to continue to cling to you when I can never be yours, assuming, of course, that Kurit is well again.”
Jarik slipped his arm around my waist and pulled me towards him. I was unable to completely relax, but I did allow myself to lie back against him. He wrapped his other arm around me snugly and said, “Would you then condemn an innocent woman to marry a man who loves and serves another with his entire heart and soul? That would be most unfair to such a woman.”
“I do not wish for you to be alone. That thought breaks my heart.”
He chuckled softly and kissed the top of my head. “Aenna, I am not alone. You are still in my life. So long as I am allowed to remain your friend and Champion, I shall be near you almost every day of your life. I shall be able to see you, to speak with you, to hear you laugh, and, if need be, to hold you when you weep. And the memories of our kisses and longings will warm my heart in my lonely bed. Don’t fret for me. I can quite easily lead a happy life so long as I can be near you and see that you are well in body and soul. I will not lie: I shall long for you at times, and I shall dream of things that cannot be. I am but a man in that. But honestly, I neither require nor wish your pity.”
I turned myself in his arms to look up at him. “I don’t pity you. I love you.”
Jarik touched my cheek softly and said, “I know. And you love Kurit, your husband. These are both good things that I deeply cherish.”
“If Kurit has changed his ways, then I cannot ever kiss you again as I did at the cottage,” I said bluntly.
“I know,” he said, nodding.
“Do you not long for one last kiss,
then?” I asked. I had been hoping to hear his romantic words requesting it, but when they had not come, I felt compelled to make the offer.
He smiled beautifully. “If you would grant it, my dear Aenna, I would certainly wish it.”
So we kissed again. It was gentle and soft, lingering but not fiery. I was barely aroused at all, in fact. What I did feel was a sweet warmth spreading throughout my body as our lips slid lovingly against one another. It had the sweet sorrow of a good-bye kiss, the pleasant hopefulness of promised affection, and the comfort of a kiss from a loved one. While other kisses in my life have been wonderful and memorable, it is only that kiss that remains so vividly imprinted upon my memory that there is no lost sense of time. To this very day, I can still feel that kiss lingering on my lips, and it soothes my soul in times of anguish.
* * *
Though there was a pleasant welcome awaiting us at the palace, Kurit was not among those who stood in wait. After brief words had been exchanged and we went inside, I whispered sadly to Jarik, “He’s not even here to welcome us.”
“Did you not see him on the parlour balcony above?” Jarik asked in surprise. When I shook my head, he said, “He stood there smiling down upon you until he noticed that I was looking at him. He gave me a polite wave and went inside. I suspect that he shall make an appearance before you quite soon.”
“Then perhaps I should make myself available to him,” I said quietly and then more loudly added, “I shall be in my workroom. Lyenta, do please take Raelik up to the nursery.”
“Very good, Majesty,” said Leiset in the proper, official tone she used whenever we were in public. “I shall attend to your belongings in your chambers.”
“Thank you, Leiset,” I said in my own formal tone. I turned again to Jarik and said, “You may accompany me to my workroom if it is your wish.”
“Indeed, Majesty,” said Jarik as he led me to the door. Once we were inside, he smiled and said, “You do that far too well.”
Sorrows of Adoration Page 47
