“What do you mean?”
“Step into your regal airs.” He chuckled.
I laughed. “Is it that false?”
“No! Not to most people. But I have long known otherwise, and I find it amusing.”
I pretended to have a scolding expression and said, “You mock me, Lord Jarik.”
Jarik laughed and sat down, as did I. “I do not mock you at all, and you know it. But I see how tense you are, and any inspiration to your laughter is a blessed one.”
As always, he had hit the mark. I was trembling and holding my hands tightly together to avoid showing it. I wondered where Kurit was. I wondered when he would come to me, or if I was expected to go to him. I wondered what would be said, what would happen, and I was wary of every outcome. My stomach churned, and there was an unpleasant burning in my chest.
“Do you wish me to leave you to your thoughts?” Jarik asked softly, and I realized I had been staring at my hands in silence for a few moments.
“No!” I said quickly. “Don’t go. I shall go mad if I sit here alone too long.”
“Very well, then I shall—” he began but stopped speaking when we heard a movement from Kurit’s workroom. It sounded as if someone had just entered and closed the door behind them. Jarik and I sat in still silence for a few moments. “Aenna, are you ill?” Jarik eventually asked. “You’ve gone quite pale. Shall I pour you something to steady your nerves?”
I shook my head, my eyes still transfixed on the door between the workrooms. “I must keep a clear head.” Why isn’t he coming to see me? I wondered. Is he even in there? Is he sitting there, waiting for me?
“There is a water pitcher, if you wish.”
It took me a moment to comprehend Jarik’s words. I looked at him and shook my head again. “No, thank you. I shall be fine. If you put a glass of anything in my hand, I’m likely to spill it all over myself.”
We sat quietly again for a few moments until finally there was a soft knock at the door linking the workrooms. I rose to my feet and said, “It is unlocked. Enter.”
The door opened slowly, and there stood Kurit. He stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. He looked very different than the last time I had laid eyes upon him. His face was freshly shaved, quite a difference from his usual scruffy, drunken chin. His skin and hair seemed more alive than I recalled, though I could tell by the way his hair sat upon his head that he had been running his hands through it nervously. He was not dressed very formally, but his clothes were new and clean. I noticed that his tunic was my favourite deep blue.
When he looked at me and smiled nervously, I noticed the most significant difference of all: his eyes had become alive once more. There was no dullness, no waver in his glance, and certainly no anger or disapproval in the manner in which he regarded me. The clear differences in him astounded me such that I was briefly stunned, and when he spoke it almost startled me to hear his voice.
“Welcome home, Aenna. And Jarik,” he said, nodding politely to each of us in turn. I glanced to the side briefly and noticed that Jarik was standing as well. “I trust your journey was without difficulty,” Kurit said, sounding very diplomatic.
I looked at him and nodded, completely unable to speak.
Just before I fell into shame at my speechlessness, Jarik once again saved me by breaking the awkward silence. “The journey went well, thank you.”
“Raelik is in his nursery,” I blurted, needing to say something and not having anything better in mind.
Kurit smiled at me warmly. I had not seen that smile in so long that I had forgotten it. My knees felt weak.
“And he is well also, I trust?” Kurit asked.
“Oh, yes, he is quite well,” I said quickly. I wondered if either of the two men were aware of just how close I was to shaking into pieces upon the floor.
“Then I shall see him soon, after we’ve had a chance to speak,” Kurit said. His voice trembled on the last few words, and his happy smile had been replaced with the nervous one again. He turned to Jarik and politely said, “Jarik, may I please have some time to speak with my wife?”
Jarik looked to me to approve the request. I nodded to him. He turned back to Kurit, gave a polite bow, and left the room quietly.
“He protects you well,” Kurit said, still looking at the door. His hands were clasped behind his back as though he did not know what else to do with them.
“Yes, he does,” I said, feeling rather anxious to know that those words had been spoken before. I prayed that it was not a premonition of a fight, as had happened the last time.
Kurit turned his eyes to me and confidently said, “He shall not have to protect you from me again.” When he saw that I could not think of a reply, he added, “I am still in disbelief that I could …” He hung his head and sighed. “I cannot believe I sank to that depth.” He sighed again and then looked at me intently. “I am sorry, Aenna. I am deeply, entirely sorry for what I did to you. And not just for striking you, though it is that crime that causes me the most anguish. I am sorry for every cruel word, for every time I pushed you aside, for every negligence and every other mistake. But you should believe none of that.”
I was startled by his last words. “Why not?”
“Because I’ve apologized too many times before, and they were meaningless. You told me so yourself, and you were right. This time the apologies are real, but I have given you no reason to trust in that, and so you should not. You should make me earn your trust, for I fully intend to do so.” He pointed an open hand to the chair behind me and said, “Sit, please. I have many things I need to try to explain. I might have to pace about a bit, but there’s no reason why you should remain standing.”
As he requested, I took a seat. I noticed small beads of perspiration on his forehead, though the room was not overly warm.
“After I left the cottage—you did know I came to the cottage to find you?” he asked quickly. I nodded. “Right. After I left and returned home, I went immediately to Tash. I told him that I needed something to make me stop needing to be drunk out of my mind at all times. He said, ‘Living.’ I sneered at him and said I wanted medication to make me stop wanting alcohol and not flippant remarks. He said there was no such medicine and added that he was not being flippant. He said that my only hope was to return to the land of the living, and then he walked away from me. I was furious. Then I cried in a most unmanly fashion. And then I did the first truly intelligent thing I have done since you were taken away from me: I sent an urgent messenger to Cael and asked him to come to my aid in Endren as soon as he could.”
Kurit sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “It took Cael four days to arrive. So determined was I not to take a drink during that time, I ordered myself to be secretly locked in the dungeon until Cael came to let me out. Officially, I was recuperating from a cold in my chambers. Tash protested the plan, especially when I really did become ill. I had visions of horrible things—not coherent things, but moving shadows and hidden monstrosities that yearned to harm me in my sleep. I was convinced for several hours one afternoon that something was going to eat my legs. But there I remained, locked in that cell, until Cael arrived and had me dragged out.
“After several dunkings in a bath to wash the filth and vomit and dungeon stench from me, I slept. When I awoke, Tash force-fed me a bitter gruel while Cael watched, stone-faced. By the next day, I was coherent enough to speak with him.
“I told him everything, Aenna. Every morbid thought, every misdeed, every paranoid delusion, everything.” Kurit sighed again and rubbed his forehead with both hands.
“And what did he say?” I asked.
Kurit chuckled unpleasantly. “Oh, Aenna, he was furious. Absolutely furious. He said he had known there were problems. He said that you had come to him in tears for assistance but that he had thought you to be overly anxious. He cursed and berated me for some time and then cursed himself for giving you what he now saw as foolish advice, though he would not tell me what that advic
e was.
“Then finally he sat back down and told me the only remnant of my honour was my desire to set things right. We spoke at great length, well into the night, of what had gone wrong in my mind. I bared my soul to him in a very unmanly manner, I admit, and he helped me to understand the tricks my own mind was playing on me.”
“Cael is a wise man,” I said.
“That he is. He is to the mind what Tash is to the body. A physician of thoughts, if you will. He helped me to realize that I was angry with you. I had been telling myself that I was not, even when I acted as though I was.” He stood and shook his head and hands. “No, wait. I’m not making any sense. Let me start from the beginning.
“You were taken from me. After the first few days, I believed you to be dead. I couldn’t imagine that anyone would have taken you away and not demanded some sort of ransom unless they intended to kill you. I suppose that’s why I didn’t really suspect Sashken—I could have imagined her doing cruel things to you, but killing you? That was too much to believe.
“I could not fathom that a woman with child—even a strong one such as yourself—could survive any ordeal for long. So I grieved for you. I grieved madly, furiously. I broke things. I screamed out your name in the night. I did not behave as a man, and though I was shamed by my ridiculous behaviour, I was unable to stop myself.
“But the brutal part of it began to subside over the weeks and gave way to a very quiet loneliness. I slept most of the days and sat alone in darkness by night. I laid myself in your bed and held your pillows. I was not over the loss of you—not the least bit—but I became quiet and forlorn in my grief.
“Then suddenly, there you were, and with my son in your arms! Aenna, I was ecstatic! I thought my every prayer had been answered. For those first few hours, my mind was filled with delight and joy. Then the gravity of your situation struck me. By the Gods, you were so thin and so weakened. It broke my heart. And then to hear you tell of what you had suffered, Aenna, it was as if my very soul was torn from me.
“For I knew that you had suffered while I grieved. As I wept pathetically in my soft bed, you rescued yourself. I should have rescued you or at least tried harder than I did. And so again I grieved for you. I grieved at first for what you had endured, but then the grieving became as it had been before you returned.”
Kurit paced, looking at his hands as he spoke. “I know it’s mad, but I was still grieving your death while you stood living before my very eyes. And madder still,” he said, chuckling wryly, “is that somehow I managed to resent you as an interruption to my mourning. It was only when I spoke of these things to Cael that I realized how absurd my thoughts were.
“You must understand that it’s not that I wished you dead. Truly, that’s not what it was at all. I loved you as much as I always had, and I love you still. I was angry with you for things that were not your fault, such as surviving despite my grief. I was angry that you had the strength to rescue yourself. Then I became angry because while I wallowed away my hours in misery, scantily hidden by matters of state and copious quantities of alcohol, you lived. I was barely alive, and you lived. You raised my son. You laughed with Jarik and your friends that worked with you on your marketplace. And the marketplace! Aenna, I seethed with anger and jealousy that I was drowning myself in drink while you were rebuilding Endren!
“Somewhere in my mind lurked the knowledge that you were undeserving of my anger. But instead of dealing with that truth rationally, I convinced myself I was angry at you for trivial things. For an interruption while I was supposedly concentrating. For whatever reason my mother gave me.” He laughed again and said, “Can you believe, I even convinced myself you were having a love affair with Jarik, just so I could justify my anger towards you?”
I suppressed a shudder by digging my fingernails into my palms.
“And as for my mother…” He smiled wryly and shook his head, his hands on his hips. “She certainly did not help matters. I would be furious at her for belittling you but unable to coherently refute her because I was feeding on her hateful words to justify my own madness. But I grew angry with her nonetheless for her vehemence against you. I could not confront her, though. Throughout my entire life, Aenna, I have wanted to just …” Kurit clenched his fists and snarled. Then he dropped himself sadly in a chair and put his face in his hands for a moment. “But I could not speak to her as I wanted to. I could not send her away. She is, after all, my mother, and what sort of wretched son would I be if I defied her so?
“So I took my anger for her out on you. I was deliberately cruel, Aenna. I admit that now. Yes, I apologized for it, and I suppose I was sorry, but I was not sorry for having intended it. Because I did intend it, almost every time. Being cruel to you was the only sense of control and power I felt. My mother worked me as though I were her puppet. The Council paid me heed only out of civic duty and not of respect. The people loved you and only you. And as for you, you could barely tolerate me at that point. Understandably so, perhaps, but that didn’t ease the feeling of powerlessness.
“Ah, but when I was cruel to you and saw the pain in your eyes, I knew that I had power over you, and I liked it. I’m a miserable wretch for it, but I must be honest with you, because Cael advised that I must be honest in all things henceforth, and I consider that sound advice indeed. I took a certain pleasure in lashing out at you, and then I would loathe myself for it hours later. And the more I loathed myself, the angrier I was at you for being so much more than what I was. On it went, doubling back on itself again and again.”
He rose from his chair and went to the table across the room where there stood a pitcher and glasses. I was so used to his reach for alcohol that I wasn’t even surprised by his move until I realized he was pouring water. He looked at me to offer me a glass as well, but I shook my head at him. I knew I was still too unstable to hold anything that might fall and break. I just watched as he took his water and sat back down.
“Cael was enormous help in these things. And to go further, he ensured that all alcohol was removed permanently from any room that I frequented and ordered that it was never again to be served to me at a meal. Though I must admit, I was so determined in my guilt to not become a drunkard again that the only time I was even tempted to seek that particular escape was, in fact, last night when I was informed that you would return today. I trembled nervously for hours and almost paced a path through the rug in my bedchamber. I was so afraid that you would return only long enough to say you were leaving Endren permanently.”
Kurit looked at me sheepishly. “I’m still afraid of that, though I would understand it and not blame you in the least. Cael has offered for you to live in Staelorn, if you do not wish to remain with me in Endren. Or, if you wish me to go, he has said I am welcome there as well. These things are entirely up to you. I shall do whatever you ask, Aenna.”
I wondered if I was as pale as I felt. I had not even considered sending him away, and my only thoughts of leaving had been to go with Jarik if Kurit had not changed, which clearly he had. My insides quivering, I managed to stammer, “I don’t want to leave. I don’t want you to leave either.”
He nodded and smiled, though he did not look relieved. “I’m glad, Aenna. Thank you for that. But I have to tell you that you’re free to change your mind on that. If you feel that I do not properly earn back your trust, you must feel free to send me away, despite any sense of civic duty you may have. I offered long ago to give up my crown for you, and I meant it. In my repentance now, I would effectively do so again. I’d go and only keep the title to preserve the nation.”
“Your mother wouldn’t hear of it,” I blurted angrily and then promptly wished I could grab the words out of the air and stuff them back into my foolish mouth.
Kurit, however, did not appear angry. In fact, he laughed a little and said, “My mother is no longer a concern. I spoke with her two days after my long talk with Cael. I intended to reason with her, to tell her sincerely that she was hurting me more than you with he
r vehemence. But do you know what she did? Before I could even speak, she began to spew her venom and tell me how very improper it was of you to go running off in the night on some sudden vacation. Of course, she did not know that I had harmed you. The only people in the palace who knew of that were Cael and myself. She muttered about how scandalous it was for you to run off with Jarik and accused you of being in his bed.”
Again I put my fingernails into my palms. A shudder took me nonetheless, and Kurit saw it. He rose and came to my side, his eyes filled with a tender concern that I had not seen in a very long time. “Aenna, don’t be upset. I didn’t believe her. In fact, I became furious with her, and it was not the fiery wrath you have seen between us before. It was a deep and cold anger, and I told her in a very low tone that I had had enough of her words. I actually told her to close her wretched mouth, if you can believe it.”
He stood and began pacing again. “She was stunned, of course. I said, ‘Keep your mouth closed from now on where Aenna is concerned. She is my wife, and whether or not you approve, she is your Queen.’ I told her that I wouldn’t listen to her hateful words any more, and that if I ever heard her speak against you again, I’d banish her from Endren, if not from all of Keshaerlan.”
Kurit looked at me seriously and said, “Her face went dead, and she swept herself out of the parlour. I have barely seen her since. She keeps herself in her chambers at most times. I don’t think she’ll ever bother you again, Aenna.
“I expected to feel a horrible guilt for speaking to her that way, as I usually do after fighting her. But you know, Aenna, I didn’t. I felt almost joyous,” he said, laughing. “I felt relieved of a great burden. The thought of having to make good on my threat made me queasy, but having told her to close her mouth—do you know how many times I have wanted to say that? In my life, hundreds, nay, thousands! And never before have I done so. It was the most liberating experience of my life! I knew then that I had the strength to make things right, and with Cael’s help, I have spent the remainder of your time away seeking to do just that.
Sorrows of Adoration Page 48
