In the Distance

by Eileen Griffin

  “Bottom line. You need to fucking sort this shit out. If you’re not willing to do that, you definitely don’t deserve him.”

  I whispered, “What do I do if he still won’t talk to me?”

  “Then you walk away.”

  Panic set in at the thought. Not too long ago, I’d told Tyler I’d do it. Actually, I’d told him it would have been better for me to walk away, because just like the needy motherfucker I was, I hadn’t been able to do it. The realization was finally sinking in that if I thought it would have hurt then to walk away from him, walking away now was going to kill me. I reached for my drink, but overshot the distance and ended up wobbling on the stool. Ethan shoved me back into my seat, and I stared at him in real fear that I might lose the one person I could really care about.

  “Now you know how I felt.” Compassion was a foreign look for Ethan but at the moment I was glad I wasn’t alone. For a couple of minutes we just sat there, both of us lost in thought.

  “How did you know Jamie was the one?”

  Ethan grimaced. “He so owes me for this.” He paused and glanced down at his wedding ring, idly turning it. When he spoke again, his voice quiet and thoughtful, I knew he wasn’t bullshitting me. “Jamie is the best person I know. He makes me want to be a better person when I’m around him. I knew I was in love with him when I decided I’d do anything to make sure he was happy. Even when it meant we weren’t going to be together.”

  “But you weren’t happy. And he was miserable.”

  “We were both miserable. I made my decision without thinking about what he wanted and took away his choice. I regret every second we were apart.”

  I cleared my throat. “You know I’m sorry for everything, right?”

  “Yeah, I know. You and I are never going to be buddies, Trustfund, but I respect you for manning the fuck up and making things right.”

  “I don’t know what to do here,” I groaned as my temple started to throb.

  “Try to forget about focusing on what you want and think about what Tyler deserves. He’s had a hard fucking life and he needs people around him who are always going to be there for him, not just when it’s convenient.”

  Ethan pushed back his chair and stood up. “Come on, Trustfund. Grab your stuff. I’ve been commanded to park your drunk ass on our couch.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I have a room upstairs.”

  “I told Jamie that but he insists I should ‘make sure you’re okay.’” He made air quotes, then shrugged.

  “But—”

  “Grab your shit. Now. I promised. And heaven help me if I break a promise to Jamie for your sorry, drunk ass.”

  * * *

  I didn’t even remember falling asleep, but when I opened my eyes again, the bright light coming through the open curtains made me groan. My head pounded and my mouth tasted like death. The couch and the stuff around me weren’t the ones from my hotel room. After my head stopped spinning, I gingerly sat up and recognized Jamie and Ethan’s condo.

  My head felt like it would split apart and I waited for my roiling stomach to settle. When my head finally stopped spinning, I spotted a bottle of water on the coffee table with a sticky note stuck to it. Scrawled in what I assumed was Ethan’s chicken scratch was, Go to 34546 University Place, Ballard. You’re welcome, asshole.

  As much as it galled me that Ethan might be right, I had to make things right with Tyler. No matter how easy it would be to get out my checkbook and write a check for every single thing in Tyler’s life, I couldn’t just throw money at this and make it all better. His fierce independence made him that much more amazing. Tyler wasn’t a Jamie 2.0, someone I could swoop down on and save from his past. His parents might be total douche bags, but they’d raised an incredible son. It was a fucking shame they couldn’t see that. Not the boy they thought they knew. Not the boy who pretended for so long just to be accepted. But the young man who had the balls to stand on his own and make his own way in this world.

  More than that, Tyler wasn’t just another warm body for me to lose myself in for a few hours only to be tossed aside when I was done. I wanted more than that. A helluva lot more than I ever wanted with Jamie. For years, I’d passively sat by and waited for Jamie to realize I wanted us to be more than friends, never taking the risk of telling him in case it backfired. What I felt for Tyler scared the ever-living hell out of me, but the thought of watching him walk away without a fight was too painful to even imagine. He challenged me to be better. Sure, once I confronted him, he could very well tell me to go to hell. But I wasn’t letting him go without a fight.

  Chapter Thirty

  Tyler

  After weeks of cold, wet weather, the warm sunshine on my face made me glad I’d signed up for today’s morning shift. It wasn’t the same as working with the kids through the elementary school gardening program, but the community garden in Ballard was a close second.

  The plots assigned to A Greener Youth served to educate local youths on getting more involved in a greener attitude, besides providing fresh fruit and vegetables to local food banks.

  Two hours in and I’d already worked up a sweat. I nodded to the older gentleman working next to me, grabbed my water bottle and headed over to the children’s garden. I’d seen pictures of it online when I’d scoped out the best bus route to get here, but the pictures hadn’t done it justice.

  The garden was designed for aesthetics instead of food production, with wildflowers, wild ginger, a couple of maple trees dotting the perimeter and a medium-sized white oak in the very center. I walked through the garden, twisting and turning out of the way of some kids playing chase along the paths that cut through the plants. Even with the kids running around, it was peaceful. I sat on one of the benches at the back, my eyes closed so I could enjoy the sun on my face for a few minutes. Just as I settled back to get my second wind, a shadow fell across my face. Seattle weather was always temperamental.

  I sighed and opened my eyes, fully expecting to see a bank of clouds rolling in. I blinked, then blinked again to convince my brain I was really seeing what I thought I was seeing.

  “Sorry. I would have called, but I didn’t think you’d have your phone handy while you were working.” Trevor didn’t add “and you probably wouldn’t have answered if I’d actually called,” but we both knew it was true.

  Even with sunglasses on, Trevor looked exhausted. He had more scruff on his chin and jaw than I’d ever seen on him and his naturally tan skin looked pale. He was still handsome in his gray turtleneck and black slacks, but the natural energy he always seemed to possess wasn’t there.

  When a full minute passed of us just staring at each other, Trevor gestured toward the bench. “Mind if I sit? I won’t stay if you don’t want me to, but I’m dead on my feet and really, really need to sit before I fall over.”

  If Trevor had shown up a week ago and asked the same question, my answer would have been an unequivocal “no.” But I was tired of pushing him away. I’d been thinking a lot about what Claire, Ethan and Jamie had told me over the past few days. Thinking about how much of this fiasco Trevor and I found ourselves in was because of him or because of my tenuous ability to trust, really trust, the people around me. I could only blame my parents disowning me and my time on the streets for so much before I finally had to come to terms with my own insecurity and accept I was as much at fault as he was for the way things had gone down. I nodded and scooted over. We sat side by side for a few minutes, both lost to our own thoughts, before Trevor broke the silence.

  “This place reminds me of a park near my grandparents’ house my mom always took me to when we visited them over the summer. It wasn’t a garden like this, but it was sectioned off from the main park by a white picket fence. There was an archway covered in ivy you had to walk through in order to get to this enormous wooden play fort. Every time I walked under that arch I
imagined I was a knight going into battle to save my prince from the evil dragon.”

  After the week of brooding and introspection, it felt good to laugh. “Prince? Don’t you mean princess?”

  Trevor’s lips quirked into a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes as he glanced at me from the corner of his eye. “Nope. Prince. Even at the ripe old age of seven, my parents and I all knew the odds of me settling down with a princess were slim.”

  I could easily imagine a young Trevor running around claiming the fort for him and his rescued prince. “I bet you were a handful growing up.”

  “I still am.” He shifted on the bench to face me and took in a deep breath before answering. “Tyler, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when all the shit went down with your parents. You have no idea how much I want rewind that night and change it all so none of this ever happened.”

  “You couldn’t have.”

  He stared at me for a few seconds, his smile completely disappearing.

  “You couldn’t have made it so it never happened. I should have told Jamie and Ethan about school, not you. And my parents? They were going to be assholes no matter what you did or said. It hurt like hell, still does, but no one could have prevented that. Should you have talked about me to Jamie after I asked you not to? No, but if I’m being honest with myself, you did me a favor.”

  Trevor looked up at me, regret still etched on his face.

  “I just wanted Jamie to see you for who you really are. Something your parents could never do, but I knew he and Ethan could if they only knew what you wanted. Jesus, Tyler. Jamie was going on and on about what a great head chef you’re going to be and, I don’t know, I just kind of blurted out they might want to talk to you first. That you might want different things. No, that you deserved the things you wanted.”

  Overwhelmed, I was barely able to get a thank-you out before I fell silent again. I’d assumed Trevor had been swapping stories with Jamie without a care in the world who it was about or how personal it was. Instead, Trevor had told Jamie because he wanted more for me, because he wanted them to help me achieve my dreams rather than for me to keep them hidden and locked away. It was more than my own family had ever done for me. Hell, it was more than I’d done for myself.

  It was all too much. I needed time to sort all of this out, but I couldn’t with him sitting there. Before I could stand, I heard Trevor let out a deep breath.

  “When we first went out, I told myself I was trying to give you what you deserved, to draw you out of your shell and let you have some fun. I could tell you loved being at the restaurant with Ethan and Jamie, but I told myself, ‘I bet I could make Tyler laugh, get his mind off working so hard all the damn time.’ But the more I’ve thought about it, I’ve realized I was wrong. The stupid, fancy dinner and crazy text messages weren’t me giving you what you needed. They were my feeble attempt to make you want me as much as I wanted you. You’re not the only one who’s afraid of letting people in. But I thought if I could make you want me, really want me, I’d finally feel safe enough to admit I cared about you. Because if you were in as deep as I was, I wouldn’t have to be so damn scared you’d walk away and never look back. I convinced myself I was being a nice guy and giving you what you deserved—my trust and honesty about how hard I was falling for you—but all I was really doing was trying to find a way to keep my heart safe and still get my happily-ever-after fantasy, complete with a killer condo on Fifth Avenue and Sunday strolls in Central Park with our two point five dogs. After loving Jamie for all those years without him ever loving me back, I swore I’d never be in a relationship where I didn’t have the upper hand. I know I’ve fucked up and broken your trust, but if you don’t believe anything else I’ve ever told you, I’m asking you to please believe that I care about you more than you know and it kills me that I’ve destroyed whatever we had between us. Because I miss it. I miss you.”

  His confession floored me. It was everything I’d been craving to hear, and yet, it terrified me to my core. From the moment my parents had kicked me out, I’d been terrified I’d never find anyone to love and accept me for who I was. For Trevor to admit he’d been just as scared of trusting me to care about him as much as he cared about me was more than I could process right now. I wanted to believe it. With every fiber of my soul, I wanted to believe every word he said, but my fear of getting hurt again kept me silent. We stayed like that for a few minutes, neither one of us speaking, until my phone’s shrill alarm interrupted us. I silenced it and stood, disappointed the moment was ruined.

  “I need to head back. I promised them three hours before I head into work.”

  Trevor stood and looked out over the garden. “Would you like some help?”

  Help? No, I wanted answers to all the questions swirling around inside my head right now. I knew, with everything in me, I missed him, too. But mingled with the pain of missing him was the fear of getting hurt again.

  So with a levity I didn’t quite feel, I deflected. “You do know there’s dirt involved, right?”

  Trevor’s lips quirked into a slight smile as he nodded. “I might have heard a rumor or two about that.”

  “And there’s kneeling. In the dirt.” I eyed his black slacks.

  “I’m pretty sure there’s a dry cleaner in Seattle that’s cleaned dirt from clothing before.”

  I pointed to his shoes, which were shiny and tassled, and most definitely not work boots. “And you do know those shoes, which probably cost more than I make in a week, will be toast after today.”

  With a sigh of exasperation, Trevor pushed his sunglasses on top of his head and fixed me with his gaze. “I couldn’t give a damn about the dirt, or my pants, or my shoes. If you’d rather me not stay and help, just tell me. I’ll leave.”

  Without his sunglasses, Trevor looked more exhausted than I’d originally thought. His deep brown eyes were bloodshot and ringed with dark circles. He was in no condition to do any gardening, and staying only meant more time for me to face the big, fat, pink elephant in the garden, but I found myself saying, “We can always use the extra help.”

  His answering smile was radiant. For the next forty-five minutes, we worked side by side, the conversation superficial and mostly driven by the two other volunteers working with us. I was amazed at how easily Trevor adapted and fit in, how easy it was for him to make small talk, when I always found it so much easier just to keep to myself.

  When it came time for me to put up my tools and head for home, Trevor walked with me to the bus stop located at the end of the parking lot. I looked at the dark stains around his knees and shook my head.

  “I don’t envy the dry cleaner who tries to get those stains out of your pants.”

  Trevor brushed off some more dirt looking completely nonchalant. “It was worth it.”

  “I’m sure Nathan will get a kick out of it tomorrow morning when I tell him you even sacrificed a pair of loafers to make sure you got all the tomatoes planted.”

  “You’re back here tomorrow? Aren’t you working a double at the restaurant today?”

  “Yeah, but it’s not that bad. Ethan’s a little grouchy with Jamie gone, but he’s mellowed a lot since they got married. I don’t have to work tomorrow, so I volunteered to help make sure all the plants made it into the ground before the end of the weekend.”

  Trevor opened his mouth to say something, but just then my bus pulled up. Even though I knew we had so much more to discuss, I wasn’t ready to be alone with him in his car. Not wanting to make our goodbye more awkward than it already was, I waved and quickly hopped on the bus, calling out just before the doors closed, “Thanks for today.”

  It was chickenshit to bail on him like that, but I needed time to figure out what I wanted with Trevor. Claire had told me I deserved someone who was willing to put in the effort to be with me. Trevor had laid everything out there for me. Every fear and
feeling he’d had since the beginning. I could still walk away, ensuring I’d never allow him to hurt me again. The question was, was that really what I wanted? Or would I be walking away because I was too scared to let him back in?

  * * *

  When I got to the potting shed the next morning, a note from Nathan that was tacked to A Greener Youth’s shelves: Left to get some supplies. Shouldn’t be gone long, but if the weather turns nasty, please lock up the toolshed.

  I poked my head outside again to gauge how long I had before the skies opened up and was met by a gorgeous set of brown eyes.

  “Hey. I ditched the loafers this time.”

  Trevor in dress clothes was a sight to behold, but Trevor in casual clothes was stunning. He wore a long-sleeved T-shirt, jeans and some Chucks that looked so new, it made me wonder if he’d gone out and bought them just for working in the garden. The thought of him doing that made my heart tighten.

  “From the look of the weather, we’re probably going to get soaked soon.”

  He leaned against the door of the shed as I turned around to dig out some tools. “I had too much fun with you yesterday for a little rain to scare me away.”

  I looked back at him, handing him a hand shovel and trowel. “You have an odd definition of fun.”

  His tone all but willed me to believe him when he replied, “Hanging out with you is my definition of fun.”

  I should have said something, but my throat suddenly felt too thick to breathe. I’d stayed up all night turning our conversation from yesterday over in my mind until I didn’t know what I wanted. Although a part of me still wanted to protect myself and push him away, another part of me wanted to pull him inside the shed and kiss him with everything I had.

  “I’ll understand if you want me to go.”

  I shook my head and got to my feet. “I want you to stay.”

  His smiled widened. “I’m glad.”

  Trying to get a handle on what was happening between us, I pointed to the sky. “We might not even get anything done before it starts pouring.”